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The next morning I couldn't recall the dream I'd had only that I'd been upset. Eon informed me I'd been having nightmares for a while off and on. I wondered if that was why I was so tired. He got me up and dressed and we did some exercises with my legs and hands. He got me some food to eat, some scrambled eggs.
I used to like them but I wasn't hungry. He wouldn't let me pass it up thought. He reminded me I hadn't eaten anything before we left the hospital yesterday and I'd only had a few sips of hot cocoa. I didn't want to eat but he kept encouraging me he promised if I ate half we'd go for a walk outside and look at the horses. I barely managed a few bites. It was still hard feeding myself. Holding and lifting up spoons. He took over after a bit and fed me… I didn't make it to half but I got close. I wanted to stop and he let me.
He checked my temperature and then gave me my morning meds. He put a sweater on me and helped me to my wheel chair. I used the chart thanking him for everything. I cried wishing I could repay him. He signed me being here being alive...was enough for him. He also teased it was nice to be the on taking care of people...that after his accident he'd felt powerless. He liked helping someone. He said when I got better we could do things together but I never owed him anything.' We touched foreheads together again and we went for a long walk around the ranch.
The morning sunlight on my face felt nice. Looking out at the horses and smelling the fresh air did something to me. I started to feel better. Eon ran his fingers through my hair. It was still so short but it felt nice. I don't know why but staring out at the land around me, I felt peaceful. I felt like in time everything was going to work itself out. I felt that one day I'd find my footing again and be able to put this whole mess behind me. Eon put his hand on my shoulder and I managed to slightly grasp it. It was the lightest grip ever but a grip none the less.
We stayed out for a little longer then came. I was cold no so I took a hot shower. Eon helped me put on a dress he'd picked out for me. Mr. Nix was trying to get my things back from the police but he wasn't sure how long that was going to take. Until then the ranch had some clothes that had been donated.
We stayed in the room for a while and then noticed it was a community lunch. Rooney was making everyone sandwiches. He heard I wasn't feeling very well so he cut my sand which up into tiny cubes. He suggest I eat it little by little. That sometimes things could seem like a lot all at once but if I just focus on one cube at at time...little by little I could take on something big. I considered what he said and took cube. It took some effort but through out the afternoon I managed to eat an entire sandwich. Eon was so happy for me.
A sketch artist came in the evening and Eon helped me describe Mr. Jaids brother in law and the layout of his cabin..I also recalled signs and various place I had seen on the way back to the city. Mr. Nix called was able to file a lot of different things. He got my statements dismissed and secured a restraining order again Janika Hones and her team. He also filed a slander suit against her show.
Detective Bisk had also been removed from my case and was on a leave pending investigation. He gave us some upcoming dates and he would need from me. I had to do a proper statement but he'd gotten it moved to video. A few days later we got it done in an afternoon. A new police officer on my case also asked me several questions. Mr. Nix sat with me and made sure all questions were acceptable.
About a week later while I was eating some soup I caught Eon and Mr. Nix talking things over. He said Mr. Jaids had been brought in for questioning and had gotten a lawyer. He was still denying everything and refusing to make a statement. They were going a head with the charges and had formerly arrested him after one of the stills showed a birthmark that matched up with his. He was released on bail but his lawyers were saying he wasn't fit for trail. He was suffering from a dissociative disorders and couldn't recall having an association with me.
He had some medication to back up some of his claims. He'd been let go from his job and hospitalized for evaluation. He admitted even if they could get him fit for trial things weren't going to be easy apparently there were discrepancies everywhere. The prosecutors were having problems with hostile witnesses and tampered evidence. He thought Detective Bisk was trying to destroy the case because Mr. Nix had got him under investigation and other things had come to light. He was now under a major investigation separate from out case.
Eon caught me reading their lips and they didn't bring up things after that. I knew he was trying to protect me but I wanted to know what was going on. I continued to work on my recovery. I got stronger at walking and was able to start signing some but a lot of signs were difficult and not fully formed. I used the char still but not as much.
I got another surgery to help with some scar tissues and that really opened up a lot of movement in my hands. My hair grew out and a lot of my injuries began to scar over and I even managed to put on some weight. When it came to my body...I was slowly beginning to accept it again. It became clear his cuts were going to remain scars. Those girls that had helped me Judy and Reign came over and helped me put together some cut hair styles and make up. Both of them had taken some classes in make up but Reign was really good at it she considered becoming a make up artist as a fall back. She showed me what concealers I could use and suggested I could also get some wicked tattoos to cover things up. I considered it but for right now I was just trying to get used to things.
Judy and Reign came over more and more and I think we became friends because they started learning sign language and sometimes we'd play games or just chat. One day Mr. Nix came to drop off some paper work and he and Reign immediately hit it off. Mr. Nix made it clear nothing could happen until after things went to trial as it might bias the jury to have both witness be in a relationship with people they associated with. We found out Judy and Chad had been hooking up.
Reign was a bit disappointed that she and Mr. Nix couldn't hook up but I later saw her at his car giving him her number. He took it and I could tell from his expression and body language he was interested. He was single and joked his love was the law but I think Reign might have been changing his mind.
Eon and I had a very simple relationship. In the mornings he worked on the ranch and in the afternoon and evenings he was with me. We'd converse, hold hands and hold each other. Sometimes we'd kiss and things would get a bit heated but we were both weary of going any farther.
Chad stated teaching Eon how to drive but he had to go a solid year without having a seizure to get his licenses. He wanted to be able to take me on dates and to doctors appointments. I learned to ride and help car for the horses. I got in at the free clinic and was able to continue with various treatments.
Sometimes I sat in on group therapy but mostly listened I saw other people ever now and then but game them their space. A lot of them were dealing with PST and various traumas. Some were there for help with drugs, a few were getting over the lose of a loved one.
On my 21st birthday I was surprised a gift to get my teeth fixed. I'd been to a dentist for some minor things but a non profit one had heard my story and gave me a set of veneers. I found a fund had been started to help with medical bills but I didn't think they were going to be gone anytime soon. Mr. Nix wanted to sue Mr. Jaids for the cost.
At one point Mr. Jaids lawyer wanted to depose me. He had someone serve me at the ranch and I had to go to some office buildings downtown. I was suppose to go in the morning but our car wouldn't start. Mr. Nix had to pick us up. He made sure it was still okay to push the time and thought it would take the entire afternoon. They had a lot of questions to ask me. It was clear they were trying to get me to admit I made things up or at the very least took liberties with what had really happened. Mr. Nix kept having to interject more then once. They had sent the questions before hands but some of them weren't quiet what they said they'd be.
At one point while I was answering a question everyone's head in the room suddenly turned and I followed suit. The room we were in had a long table and was surrounded by glass walls. We could see out into the work area and a bunch of people were working at their desks. I saw Mr. Jaids standing outside the room staring in at me. His eyes lit up almost like the first time I'd ever saw him and I gasped...I realized this...this was the first time I'd seen him in person since….since-
The room exploded into chaos around me but I couldn't take my eyes of Mr. Jaids. I felt locked in his gaze...my chest sinking in...my heart beat rapidly as I felt frozen. I felt like at any minute he could break through the glass wall and get me. The assistant to Mr. Jaids Lawyer appeared at his side and began moving him. It broke our gaze Mr. Jaids quickly began signing. "Why are you lying Song. You're destroying my life when all I've ever did was try to help you."
An expression of anguish fell across his face...He was still keeping up appearances. Acting like he was innocent. I clutched my chest feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. Eon was out of the room now and coming at Mr. Jaids. The poor lawyers assistant was doing all he could to keep them back. Eon was yelling. What are you doing here! Don't you sign to her! Don't you even look at her! You sick bastard!'
Mr. Jaids looked hurt...confused as more people came and pulled Eon back. In the room. My lawyer was livid. He said this was witness intimidation. He shouldn't have been here. A tear escape my eyes as I realized my eyes were watering. I could barely read the other lawyers lips as he claimed it was a misunderstanding we were suppose to be here earlier we were suppose to be done by now. I felt sick, cold, scared and confused…
A part of me seeing Mr. Jaids just now… had felt a surge of adrenaline a rush. I didn't know what to do with that. How to react to it. What was wrong with me. I burst into tears as my lawyer got my coat. I put it on and saw Eon was slowly being pulled back. His…alarm was going on and suddenly he began seizing. I quickly pulled from the lawyer and rushed out of the room. I struggled to get to get to him.
I dropped to my knees as other people let go of him unsure of what to do. I turned him on his side as Mr. Nix got everyone to back up. I counted the second in my head and readied myself to grab his medication. Eon had it in his jacket but I also had one on me as well. I waited if it wen on much longer I'd need to admister it but at about three minutes he stopped coming out of it. He laid there for several minutes as I massaged his arm…
They wanted to know if he wanted an ambulance. I put my hand up asking them to wait. I needed to see how he felt when he came out of it. It was slow but we were able to get him up and sit him down. Someone got him some water and an ambulance did show up. They checked him out he was grumpy angry, he just wanted to go. They let him go and Mr. Nix took us back to the ranch. He told us we didn't need to worry about it that something like this would not happen again he'd make sure of it.
He was going to see about getting a restraining order. I wondered why we hadn't sought one before but I didn't ask. When we got home Eon was quiet. I knew it was a bad one he just wanted to lie down. We took a nap. When we woke up I brushed his hair and heated up some soup for him. He was still quiet. I asked him what he could recall and he just remembers him walking into the area and this blinding rage consuming him. He felt back he wouldn't be able to gt his licenses now. I encouraged him to keep trying if it took longer it took longer. He asked if was okay and I signed I was but I thought it might be time to see someone. I had a lot of emotions some unexpected.
I started to talk to the on site therapist the next day. She made time for me in her schedule and I saw her several times a week at first. I caught her up on my life story and how I felt about everything…. sometimes I'd feel sick...sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes I hated Mr. Jaids...sometimes I thought it was all my fault.. Sometimes I miss how he could make me feel...make me forget. She pointed out I sounded like missed the feelings he gave me and not him. She told me all my feelings were valid. It was important to recognize how I felt and give myself permission to feel them even if I didn't always understand them.
She was an older woman and kind of reminded me of my grandmother with how she spoke. During one strong session I opened up more about Mr. Jaids and my relationship how it had first started. We tried to avoid anything too dark. She explained from what I was telling her, he'd done a form of emotional manipulation on me. He got me to open up to trust him. Because I trusted him I told him things I wouldn't have otherwise.
However, once he knew my weak spots he had exploited them to his advantage. She said I was vulnerable to abuse, condition at a young age by my mother's handling of me. She had punished and rewarded me, I had sought her love and approval and it had given me a longing for approval and acceptance of otherwise unacceptable behavior. We discussed my mother and how it was okay to be made. That I could understand her reasoning and how he might feel but it was okay to understand how I felt, for her rejecting me, hurting me and abandoning me in more then one way.
I realized I had gotten into a similar pattern of abuse with him, longing for his acceptance, the reward, the punishment. I asked if this explained why I was a masochist. She said she didn't like to label sexuality that it was a complex thing. There was nothing wrong with being a masochist but she didn't believe Mr. Jaids and my relationship fell under a sadist's and masochist's bond. Because even in this community there was a level of trust.
Safe words, expectations and understanding of basic care and decency. Overall trust was a key factor. She pointed out how time and time again I had drawn a line and made my boundaries clear to let Mr. Jaids but he had not respected them. He'd took it as an affront of his control over me. He pushed past my lines and broke down my boundaries to exert his power and control over me.
Some of the behaviors fit that of narcissists taking advantage of others to inflame their own ego and sense of self. Exerting control over me an ownership, made him feel empowered. Making me into a thing, objectifying me made it easier not to see me as a person, with thoughts and feelings and wants as their owns. As long as I fit his narrative he kept me around but when I tested his power, tested his over all sense of self by denying his demands and threatening to leave, it infuriated him to the point of retaliation. If I wasn't stroking his ego then I was the enemy, a bug to be squashed...trash to be thrown away. I didn't understand a lot of it but I hoped one day I would.
There were days when I was left crying or thinking a lot. She helped me realized I just kept bottling things up, pushing them away but I admitted I didn't know how to fix them. It was easier to push them aside because I felt like when I tried to untangle the mess I'd made I just got knotted up inside. She said it was important to explore my feelings but I shouldn't focus so much on the past but on the present and future. How did I want to feel vs how had it made me feel. What did I hope to accomplish rather then asking myself why over and over again. It was important to set goals and look forward.
A lot of it seemed beyond me but I hoped one day I would be able to recover and move on. Some people made mistakes and learn from them to grow into better people. I felt like this mistake was going to haunt me for the rest of my like. It wasn't just the media or the fact that he'd hadn't been arrested yet but the fact that he'd left scars. His actual worlds on my body. I could cover them up but they'd always be there. Filth, slut, whore. tramp. Open hole, hoe, cum bucket, pussy, bitch, broken cunt...sloppy slut...dumb slut. Every times I looked I swear there were more. Every times I stared at my naked I felt like he owned it and had disgraced it. I was grateful he had left me my face alone then angry...that I was grateful for such a thing...none of it should have every happened.
She wanted to work on my self talk, on the way I saw myself. I admitted to her at points I'd got off on being degraded made into a doll. That I wanted...to just be...and feel nothing but pleasure. She said we could work on it. Work on positive associations. That I could still feel pleasure but didn't need to be broken down or abused to do so.
I continued to improve, continued to get better and slowly bur surely my surroundings did as well. Eventually my story became old news and people stopped reporting on me and coming up with lies. I was no longer front page in tabloids and the news barely mentioned me. I was actually able to go out some with Chad and Eon.
One day Judy and Reign surprised me with a girls day out. They took me shopping at a flee market and I found some nice clothes. We got some lunch together and I felt like we were getting close. Like we were really friends. I'd only ever been close with Eon when it came to actual friends. It was so nice to have more Judy and Reign were both a blast. They'd tease each other tell jokes and include me.
At one point we were walked around together and I saw some cool bracelets. I was examining them when I felt a gust of winds. I looked up to see where the girls were and in the distance I thought I saw Mr. Jaids staring at me. He was in a dark hoodie his head shaved close, he almost looked like someone else but I knew that glare. He was no longer keeping up appearance...not like on the TV or the Lawyer. I knew he wanted to hurt me, I was so freaked out I peed myself and back into one of the displays sending bracelet and beads everywhere.
Judy and Reign rushed over to me and I slowly signed what happened to them. Judy was able to get it. Reign gave me a sweater to hide the fact that I peed myself. The shop keeper was mad about me knocking over her display but Judy gave her some money and we just left. When we got home Eon saw I was upset. He wanted to know everything I told him I was just looking at bracelets and thought I saw him but I began to have doubts what if I'd imagined it. His hair was different...I guess.
Eon called Mr. Nix and he looked into it. Apparently he had an alibi that he was out of town. Still if I ever saw him I needed to message him at once...it would help to have witness. They'd gotten a restraining order but someone would need to catch him violating it to be arrested.
I wanted to believe I didn't see him there that after everything he wasn't following me...but I didn't know. I couldn't trust myself. I told Eon I was so unsure but he told me whether he was there or not it was okay to feel upset. I was embarrassed I peed myself. Eon told me it was nothing to be embarrass about he did it sometimes with his seizures. He was amazing...so kind and sweet to me, he was such a my pillar through all of this. Honestly I don't know what I would have done without him. I tried to support him and help him the best I could.
I began to help out around the ranch. One day the police gave my family some of my stuff back. My brother brought it over along with some mail my family had been keeping. There were some letters from my mom. I didn't open them but I didn't tear them up. I just put them in a drawer. I opened my other mail and learned I'd just barely passed my my equivalency test. The drug trial Eon was on wanted him to take more tests.
He'd missed some chances already and they were talking about removing him from the trail if he couldn't give them more data. We found out when the next one was coming up and I helped him study like mad. He got into the next test and a few weeks later we found out he'd passed. We were so happy we all celebrated. We began to talk more about what we wanted to do once I had recovered enough.
Chad visited often and mentioned he had some family who had a beach practice. Maybe we could all take trip for the summer. I'd never been to the beach and thought it would be a great idea. Maybe we could look for jobs there. We decided to make a week long tirp. Chad said Judy and Reign wanted to come. Reign was hoping Mr. Nix would join us and even asked him. His ears turned a bit red and he said he'd check when his next vacation time was. I thought it would be nice to be with them all and just have a great vacation. Eon said it would be the first of many to come.
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