The next morning I woke feeling refreshed and for the first time in a long time, I was actually looking forward to the day. Dr. Cole hadn't even been here a week and this place had already gotten so much better. I made my bed and tidied up my room before Nurse Violet and an orderly came to get me. Since we were in a different area of the asylum I was taken to a smaller washroom. There were only a few toilets, tubs and sinks. Sadly this bathroom had also been striped of the stalls, mirrors, curtains and all but one sink handle as well.
I didn't let it get me down. I simply did my business, washed my hands and went to breakfast.
I ate everything quickly, realizing I was suppose to go to the library after this. However after I finished eating, I learned the library wasn't ready for patients yet. I was given the choice to go back to my room or the new common room. Even thought my room was still new, I choose to go to the common room. I knew I'd get plenty of room time in the evenings.
I was the first one in and I got to touch the radio. I looked for someone talking about the news. I kind of wanted to hear about the events of the world considering I'd be out of here soon enough. I heard a weather report and then talk of a water main that had busted, in Old Creek. I had no idea where Old Creek was but to be fair I didn't know where this place was either.
I listened to the radio announcer intently as he said emergency crews had been working on the water main all morning. An orderly came over after a few seconds and turned the radio to some music. He informed me I wasn't allowed talk radio. I was slightly disappointed but at least I now knew we were near Old Creek or at least within radio distance of it. I took a seat by the window and enjoyed some light flute music for a while.
Eventually other patients trickled into the room. I kept looking outside and saw the garden was really beginning to take shape. I got excited thinking I'd get to roam around the grounds soon enough. Maybe I could find another way out of here but I probably wouldn't have to anymore. At the rate things were happening I might get out any day.
It started to rain and I moved to work on the puzzle I'd been playing with yesterday. I connected a few more pieces then took up a pack of playing cards, the pack was missing a lot of cars but I didn't mind. I only wanted to see if I could stack them. I managed to get almost three cards high but my stack kept collapsing.
Margret started loudly talking to herself. She was older woman with frizzy red hair. I didn't know much about her. We'd been on the same wing for years but like me she mostly kept to herself. She seemed quite agitated today. She started rambling about her pills having been taken away. She madly paced around the room saying she could hear the voices again. She asked if we could hear them, when no one would respond to her she started pushing tables and chairs. She flipped the table I'd been doing my puzzle on and pieces went flying everywhere. There were four other patients in the room and they began to get upset by her sudden outburst.
I got up and moved to the far corner of the room, trying to put some distance between us. This wasn't the first time I'd seen someone get upset. I knew it was always better to steer clear of them if you could, not just for your own safety but theirs as well. It took a few minutes but two orderlies came rushing in and subdued Margret, taking to the ground. A nurse came up with a syringe and gave her something before they hauled her away.
When things had calmed down again I helped clean up. I righted some tables and chairs before picking up all the scattered puzzle pieces. I heard two patients talk about how they'd gotten their medicine taken away as well. They soon compared notes with a third patient and realize everyone had gotten their medicine taken away.
It was interesting to see them put it together. I had noticed when they were no longer handing out medication at meals, though I suppose it was just an assumption on my part, up until now. This proved I was right. They asked if I still got my medications and I shook my head. I wondered why they'd taken everyone's away. Personally I didn't need medication but I knew some people.
After I cleaned the puzzle up, I watched the rain for a while and then an hour or so later I was taken to lunch. I noticed a bunch of other people seemed quiet or moody. I bit my lip and assumed it was the medication thing again, everyone must have been going through withdraw. After I finished lunch, I went back to the common room. I didn't feel like cards or puzzles, the sun was out so I just sat by the window watching the clouds for a while.
Eventually I noticed one of the other patients, Arnie I think, was drawing with colored wax and some paper. When I found out we could do that I quickly grabbed some paper and began using the colored wax. Unlike my new set these were bits and pieces but I didn't mind. I drew until it was time for dinner. Tonight was spaghetti and it was actually hot for once. I had to let it cool down but I didn't mind not really wanting to go back to my room just yet.
At one point I saw Dr. Cole, he only picked up an apple for dinner and tossed it in the air before catching it. He seemed pretty happy with himself and turned in my direction. I waved to him and he paused for a moment. He took a few steps towards me and it looked like he might come over but then he paused again. He stood there for a moment then just nodded to me before leaving the room. I found it a little strange.
After dinner I did my reflection time. I wrote three things down in my journal then drew a few more sketches of my friends. Dr. Cole's nightly announcement eventually came on and I listened to him talk about hard work and positive attitudes before wishing us all a good night. When the music came on, I dances to a few songs before climbing into bed. When lights out came, I hit my pillow and pleasantly drifted off to sleep within a few minutes.
At one point I woke up during the night. I wasn't sure why but I sat up and looked around. My room was so dark I couldn't see a thing. There must not have been a moon tonight. I yawned then laid back down. I thought I heard footsteps a few seconds later but was too tired to care. I figured some orderly was just walking past my room and fell back to sleep.
The next day, I was able to visit the library after breakfast and was so excited. I hadn't been to a library in years. The one we had back home was in someone's house. It didn't have many books but I used to love picking out different ones to see what they were about. I liked to think I loved books in every life. There was something magical about the written world that could grasp hold of you and pull you in sometimes to other places or even times.
I began to recall several other libraries from different lives. There were some that had been small, some that had been several stories high and even one with a tree growing in the center of a large room. Now that would have been something to see but I think it was a private library. I tried not to get too distracted or excited about Meadow Booke's library, considering this was an asylum but I was still eager to go some place new.
Suddenly it occurred to me, that one day I could possibly recall this life in another life. It was a wild thought but if I could recall other lives why not this life, of course it probably wouldn't be a pleasant memory. Who wants to remember they'd been locked up in a mental institution? Still, I hoped things would change soon just because things started off rocky didn't mean they couldn't end well.
When I finally got to the library I found it was still being set up. The room wasn't as big as the cafeteria or the common rooms but it was still bigger then the big washroom. They had set up five large book shelves and had three tables. A few of the shelves were still empty but I could see unopened boxes on the ground, perhaps there were more books inside.
I wanted to explore but found I had to sign in first. The orderly escorting me took me to a desk with a nurse behind it. She informed me of the rules. I'd have to sign in and out every time I used the library. I was allowed to look at any book but it would not leave this room and if I damaged a book I would not be allowed to return, this would be my one and only warning. I agreed to the rules and signed in.
The orderly left me alone and I was allowed to wander around the room. I saw besides the table and chairs they also had some cushioned chairs and couches. I recognized Dr. Phillipston's couch by a window and was surprised. I wondered why he hadn't taken it with him when he retired. Perhaps he no longer needed it or had been in a rush after Dr. Cole had kicked him out. Whether he left it on purpose or not I knew I wasn't going to be sitting on it. Even though I liked sitting by the window I despised that couch. I despised anything that had to do with Dr. Phillipston.
I moved on and looked at the bookshelves. I noticed all the books were worn and after a few shelves I quickly spotted several that belonged to me. I realized they'd added my books to the library's collection. They were all here except for the one I hid my secret drawings in. I quickly took them and went to the nurse at the desk. I told her the books were mine but it didn't matter. I wasn't allowed to take them. I didn't think that was fair but what here was truly fair. I put the books back and realized all of these books must be from patients rooms. It was sad, we had so little here and to have it taken away was wrong.
I went back to the bookshelves and kept looking, hoping to find the only book I really cared about. The book that held all my secret drawings. I might not be able to remove it from the library but I needed to find a way to get those drawing out without anyone noticing. I scanned each and every book several times but again it wasn't here. I looked at the boxes of books but doubted it was in one of them, considering the others had already been put out. I had a bad feeling about this. I bit my lip, worrying my secret might have been discovered or worse, they'd destroyed the book and all its contents.
I kept looking but eventually picked a book from the shelves hoping to distract myself. I knew if...if I had already been found out or the book had been destroyed there was nothing I could do about it, right now. I attempted to read for a while but I was just too worried. When my library time was up, I put the book back and signed out.
Then an orderly took me to the washroom before taking me to lunch. I was surprised to find there was an actual line today. They must have been letting more people eat in the cafeteria. I wasn't a fan of what they were serving today, liver, beans and orange custard. It sucked we had to eat all our food now. I stomached what I could but hid most of it in a napkin. As I was finishing up, I looked around the room and noticed more people were sitting at each of the tables.
I looked at my own table and wondered where my other two people were. Had they not made blue yet or did they eat at another time. I didn't recognize the names on the placemats but I didn't know every patient here. All I knew was I hadn't seen them once and from the look of the placemats I seemed to be the only one that ate here.
After lunch, I was taken to the common room. I sat on a bench and looked out the window. I saw they had made some more progress outside. The overgrown bushes were now taking shape and they had cleaned some of the walkways and gates. I wondered how many more days it would be until we could go outside. It had been so long since I was out and about. It was amazing how many things one could take for granted. As a kid I used to be able to go outside all the time whenever I wanted but now it had been years, far too long and to think some people had been inside even longer then me.
After common room, I was taken to the washroom and then dinner. It was grill cheese sandwiches, with potato wedges, strawberries and tomato soup, I quite enjoyed it! Once I finished everything off I was taken back to my room. I wrote in my journal during reflection time. I mentioned how excited I was to go outside and how much I loved dinner. Just before bed I was taken to the washroom then it was time for Dr. Cole's nightly announcement. Tonight he talked about cleanliness and kindness. I only half listened. Once he was finished the music turned on and I drifted off to sleep.
That night I dreamt of sitting in the kitchen with my love. We were in a high rise apartment and it was day. The sun was shining through our balcony window as we drank coffee and talked. I can't remember what was said but I remember looking at him as he sat backwards in a chair and thinking I really liked him, no loved him. I really loved him. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me asking "What?"
"Oh nothing," I said with a pleasant sigh.
"Just thinking,"
"About."
"You,"
"Oh," he said leaning over the table. I also leaned and we met in the middle. We shared a soft sweet kiss and it was so nice. I swear I could really feel his lips against mine. I felt so happy and relaxed. I wondered if I'd ever get back to a place like that in this life. Would we every get to share coffee and stare at each other lovingly.
I woke before the alarm bell feeling a little sad. It was a nice dream but it made me miss him all the more. I wrote down my dream in my journal but tore out the page not wanting anyone to see it. I hid it between my mattresses then waited for Nurse Violet to take me to the washroom. After I relieved myself I was informed it was my day to shower. It was awkward getting undressed and then showering without a curtain. Thankfully Nurse Violet had a newspaper she was reading. I quickly showered and dried off. I worried she might tell me I needed to do it again but she just handed me a new set of clothes.
They looked like they were actually new! Most the clothes here were old and had stains or holes in them. I usually wore a loose hospital gown and underwear. She handed me a new white hospital gown that almost looked like a dress the way it was cut and underwear that tied on the sides. After I finished changing I went to breakfast and found all the patients were in new clothes. The girls wore the dress hospital gown like me and the boys wore loose white shirts and pants.
After noticing the patients attire I took a second look at the staffs. I hadn't realized it but their clothes had changed to. The orderlies now wore blue instead of white and the nurses no longer a wore black dresses with a white apron but a blue dress with a white a white apron. I guess Dr. Cole had changed the hospitals attire.
I stood in line for breakfast and found today was caramel cinnamon toast with baked apples and milk, it was quite tasty. I noticed the food was definitely improving. When I was finished I thought I'd be going to the library next but Nurse Violet informed me it was time for my appointment with Dr. Cole. We went to his office and found the door was already open.
When we stepped inside he was having a cup of tea as he sat on his couch. He had a notebook in his lap and was jotting down notes. I glanced at his desk and noticed he had my old journal out along with my new one. He must have got it from my room. I wondered why he had bother journals out and if...if he had read my old one yet. I bit my lip thinking he probably had or at least read Dr. Phillipston's notes on it. I was so focused on the journals that I didn't hear Dr. Cole speaking to me until Nurse Violet pinched me.
I pulled from my thoughts as he called out to me "HANNAH!"his voice sounded agitated.
"Yes?" I said," Yes sir."
He let out a heavy sighed, then waved Nurse Violet off. She gave me a look then left the room. He took a sip of his tea before he started shuffling his notes about. He stood and went to his desk setting everything down. His face looked strained as he took a seat behind his desk. He seemed to be in a less then pleasant mood right now. I wondered if something had upset him. After a minute or two, he adjusted his sunglasses and I noticed the curtains were drawn in the room. I wondered if his eyes were bothering him.
"How are you doing today, Hannah?" He asked. His voice came out a little gravely. He cleared his throat when he was finished speaking.
"Nice." I said trying to be cheerful. "I'm loving all the changes and I'm looking forward to going outside soon."
"Hmp, I'm glad someone appreciates them. Please sit." he said gesturing for me to take a seat.
I sat down on the couch again. He picked up his notebook and I expected him to move to a closer chair, like last time but he didn't leave his desk. Again, something just felt off about him today. He cleared his throat once more then asked. "Now, where did we last leave off?"
"I'm not quite sure." I said.
He licked his lips then looked over his notes, "Ah yes, yes, let's see, after the accident you had a dream, you thought was real?"
"Oh yes, but I realized later it was just a dream."
He grimaced then snapped "I want to know what you thought at the time, not later."
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yes, why?"
"Uh well you seem kind of moody, today"
"Moody," he repeated, his face scrunched up like he'd eaten something bitter, "I'm just tired, now answer the question, please."
I was so focused on his mood that I'd completely forgotten what he'd asked me. "What was it again?"
He let out a heavy sigh. He removed his sunglasses and I perked up hoping to see his brown eyes for myself but he had his eyes shut tightly. He neatly set the sunglasses on his desk before rubbing his temple. "Tell me about the dream you had, while you were in your coma. What was it about?"
"Oh, I well, it's silly really," I said trying to downplaying it.
"I still want the details."
"Well, I was married and I had kids."
"At fourteen?"
"NO!" I said shaking my head, "In the dream I was much older, my late twenties I think, maybe even early thirties. The dream covered several years."
"And?"
"And eventually I woke up, a little confused,"
"A little confused," He repeated scratching his head. He put his sunglasses back on then turned to some paperwork he had off to the side. He flipped through several pieces of paper before he said "It's says you woke screaming and were aggressive. You bit a nurse."
"I did?" I said surprised. I hadn't really recalled that part. I knew that I had fought and they had to sedate me and strap me down but I didn't remember actually hurting anyone.
"Yes." he said, still looking down at the paperwork, "What about being married and having kids was so jarring to you?"
"Well it- it wasn't that. In the dream you see there was this man. At one point my family had been in a car crash and the man driving the other car started stalking me."
"I see." he said jotting down some notes. "A car crash? Like your crash on the bridge with your mother?"
"No this was different. We were coming back from a sporting event. There was no bridge. My husband was driving and the kids were in the backseat. We had made it back to our small town and it happened around a stop light, I think?"
"A what?" he said looking up from his notebook.
"A stop light?"
"Yes what is that?"
"Oh it's well... it's a light you stop at?" I said furrowing my brow.
"Why?" he asked tilting his head. "To what end?"
I tried to think back as to why but I couldn't recall just now. I knew that the lights changed colors and everyone had to stop at them but as for its reason...it was lost to me. "Sorry I don't recall at the moment."
"Hmp," he said looking back at his notebook. He jotted down some more notes then said. "Anyway, you were saying about this man?"
"Yes, he followed me around town. At first, I thought maybe I was just more aware of him, after the crash but he started to be everywhere. He began to harass me and my family and friends."
"Harass how?"
"Well he followed me everywhere and would say and do weird things. He took pictures of me and he talked to my kids, like he didn't know them but knew their names, which was creepy. And at one point he sent grotesque pictures and video to our youngest's birthday party but luckily my husband caught them, oh and he tired to sued some of my friends and family."
"So this harassment is what set you off, when you woke from your coma?"
"No, he- After a while we couldn't take it anymore like we got a restraining order but he kept breaking it."
"What is a restraining order?" asked Dr. Cole. I could see him furrow his brow.
I squinted my eyes trying to recall. "We, well we had to go to court for it. It uh, makes people stay away."
"Stay away." he repeated, "Elaborate just how does a restraining order make people stay away?"
"Uh, well the court ordered it and like the man was suppose to stay away from us and not contact us in any way. If he did he would get locked up."
"I see," he said rubbing his jaw. I wondered what he was thinking, "Okay so you got some court order that made him stay away but he kept breaking it."
"Yes and we couldn't take it anymore! Like he'd break the order and go to jail but then he'd get out and do it again. He even got put in a place like this but still managed to call me. I asked him to stop but he wouldn't."
"Why?" Dr. Cole asked. "Did he give a reason?"
"Yes, he thought we were suppose to be together or something. Like he didn't know me at all but said he just knew I was the love of his life and there could be no other. No matter what I said he wouldn't listen to reason and was adamant that we would be together. I- it was upsetting." I said before biting my lip.
"Why?"
"Why?" I repeated, giving him a look.
"Yes, why was it upsetting?"
Was he even listening to me? "Uh, I was married and had kids. I loved my husband."
"Hmm. Did you say anything to this man or perhaps do something to entice him?"
What! "No, not at all!" I said shaking my head, "I was friendly at first but I made it clear, I wanted nothing to do with him."
"So you led him on?" said Dr. Cole.
"What?" I said surprised by his statement.
"You said you were married and yet you were friendly to another man."
I was nearly speechless. I opened and closed my mouth several times before I said "I was friendly to most everyone. It was a small town, plus a lot of times it was part of my job."
"Job, you worked?" said Dr. Cole as if this was the most shocking part. "What kind of husband would allow that!"
"We both worked. We had three kids to support." I said
"That doesn't make it any better." scoffed Dr. Cole. He looked like he was disgusted.
"Well, it was perfectly acceptable where we lived."I said thinking there was nothing wrong with it.
"Right, perfectly acceptable, in your "dream." he emphasized dream and chuckled to himself as if it could only happen in a dream. Then he jotted down notes for a good minute or so before asking "Tell me does your mother work?"
"No." I said quietly.
"Do you know any women that do?"
"Yes," I said perking up. "Why Nurse Violet!" I pointed out. He let out an exasperated sigh as if he were annoyed I'd been able to name someone or perhaps he didn't approve of her working.
"Fine," He said pushing up his sunglasses. "A married women?"
"Surely some of the other nurses are married."
"Not on this staff," said Dr. Phillipston.
"What about Mrs Mara?" I asked.
"As you know, she no longer works here. That being said, she was a widow given special permission to work from the director that came before Dr. Phillipston."
"Oh, well still, she was once married."
"Once yes but do you know any currently married women that work?"
I glared at him. I felt like he was refining the question until he could get the answer he wanted. "No, but I don't know many people being stuck in here."
He smiled, "Yes, well even if you did, you would not find any. Most women still need government permission to work and the law clearly states married women are not allowed to work for anyone save their husband."
I didn't know all the laws but if that really was a law, then I thought it was a stupid one, especially with how expensive things could get when you had kids. Even with both of us working things had been tight at times. I wiped my mouth then admitted, "I didn't know."
"Of course," he said, his tone was smug as if he had won something, "I am sure there are a lot of things you don't know, given you were a child when you first came to Meadow Brooke." I didn't like how this conversation was going. Dr. Cole was starting to sound condescending like Dr. Phillipston. He adjusted his sunglasses then went on, "Now then where were we, so this man kept trying to engage with you and then what?"
"We left." I said crossing my arms. "After he called one night, I answered and broke down. My husband and I decided we'd had enough so we packed what we could in our car and left with the kids, in the middle of the night." I knew this had all happened so long ago but it felt like only yesterday. I held myself and stared off into the distance for a second, recalling how upset and yet hopeful we'd been.
"And," Dr. Cole said when I didn't continue.
"We started over and things got better."
He sighed clearly annoyed, good that made two of us. "I do not see how this corresponds with your aggressive outburst after your coma."
"I'm getting there!" I hissed. It wasn't my fault he kept interrupting. He pursed his lips but didn't say anything, "I- well, one day there was a storm and I went to bring the kids inside. I found out my daughter had run off after a cat we'd gotten her. There was some woods behind our new house and I went looking for her. When I found her, the man had her and I said I'd go with him, if he'd let her go. He did and I told her to run or go home I can't remember but when I knew she was safe, I fought back and that is when I woke from my coma. When I was fighting the man. I was disoriented and thought I was still in danger."
Dr. Cole tapped his pen against his desk and was silent for a long moment. I rested my hands on my laps and sat back on the couch as I waited for him to respond. When he finally did his voice sounded stern."So let me get this straight. You were married and said you'd go off with another man?"
Seriously! Of course that is what he TOOK from this. I threw my head back."Are you even listening to me!" I spat getting upset now. "I didn't mean it! I SAID I'd go away with him so he'd let my daughter go. The man was deranged he could have hurt her!"
"But he didn't."
"Because of what I said!"
"Alright, alright" he said rubbing his temple "So he let her go and then what? How did you get into a fight with him?"
"Well once I knew she was safe, I pretended to fall. Then I threw dirt in his eyes and went at him with everything I had."
"Did he attack you before you threw the dirt in his eyes?"
"No but he was going to!"
"How do you know that?"
Again did he even listen! "I told you he was deranged! He'd been stalking and harassing me and my family for years!"
"But was he ever violent?"
"What?"
"You never mentioned any violence. You said his behavior was weird and that he took pictures, sued people but did he ever hurt you or anyone for that matter?"
"I don't know." I said slowly trying to think "No wait! YES! We think he killed our daughters cat."
"We?"
"My husband and I."
"Hmm, so he killed the cat that was lost in the woods? The one your daughter was looking for?"
"No! She, my daughter had taken in a stray before the cat we gave her. My husband found it dead on the porch one day. It wasn't a natural death. My husband said it looked bad and that no animal had done that."
"So your husband saw this other man do this?"
"No but we assumed."
"Yes, you assume a lot." he said.
"What does it matter! If he killed the cat or not! If he was violent or not! He still stalked and harassed us for years! He made our life a living nightmare!"
"It matters Hannah." he said, "So far I do not like what I am hearing. You think it is okay to assume someone is guilty without having actual proof. You think it is okay to lie to get what you want and most abhorrent you believe it is okay to attack someone you simply assume is going to attack you."
"I didn't assume he was going to attack me! I knew he was! And after everything he did to us! I had ever right to defend myself!"
"What you're describing isn't self defense. If anything you attacked him and he only naturally fought back!"
I looked at Dr. Cole like he was crazy, "Are you seriously defending him!"
"No, because HE does not exist Hannah. This entire situation does not exist but you actions and more over your reactions are very concerning."
"What about you!" I protested.
"What about me?" he asked tilting his head.
"Well what about your actions and reactions!" I said throwing my hands in the air. "I feel like you're not really listening to me but cherry picking and twisting things."
"I have been listening very carefully." said Dr. Cole, "And as I have said I do not like what I am hearing. Even if it is just a dream your moral code is very disconcerting. And if anyone is twisting anything it is you, Hannah. You tend to say one thing yet clearly do another."
"I do not!" I said standing up.
"Sit down," said Dr. Cole.
"No!" I snapped back. "I don't want to!"
"Here is yet another fine example." said Dr. Cole leaning back in his chair. He gestured to me, "You say you want to get out of here yet you will not listen to me, your doctor, the one who decides if and when you will or will not, be released. Now if you want to continue this conversation, you will sit down at once."
"I don't know if I want to continue this conversation!" I snapped.
I defiantly stood there and realized I was super agitated, more so then I think I had been in a long time, if ever. I just felt so so so frustrated! Last session Dr. Cole had seemed nice enough but now he appeared to be a condescending, misogynistic jerk! If anything, telling him my dream had been very disconcerting to me! I didn't like the questions he had asked or the things he had said.
"Hannah!" he barked. I could see he was losing his patience.
I wanted out of here but I didn't want to keep talking to him right now. He was already in a bad mood when I got here and had now set me off! "What," I snapped crossing my arms in front of my chest. "What do you want from me!"
"Once again, what I want, is for you to sit down so that we may continue our conversation and I may finish my assessment. Right now, I am trying to determine if one bad dream, is enough to make you violent."
"I'm not a violent person. I never meant to hurt anyone. I honestly thought I was being attacked!"
He let out a heavy sigh, "Yes Hannah, I know what you thought but can you understand that in both cases you were not!"
"NO!" I said shaking my head. I understood how attacking the nurses and doctors were a mistake but "That man was a monster! I am not assuming anything! I know what he was going to do! After I got the jump on him I was winning and he stabbed with a syringe! I ran off but he caught me and I realized he'd drugged me! Tell me! Why would he have a syringe full of drugs, unless he was planning on using it at some point! Also after he caught me he tore-"
Dr. Cole suddenly pounded his fist on the desk and stood up. "IT WAS A DREAM HANNAH! A NIGHTMARE! IT WAS NOT REAL! NO ONE HURT YOU! NO ONE WAS ATTACKING YOU! NOW SIT DOWN OR I WILL CALL AN ORDERLY AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR BLUE STATUS!"
I froze caught off guard by Dr. Cole's sudden outburst. I realized things had spiraled out of control. I...I had admittedly gotten caught up in the past. I had to remind myself to Dr. Cole, this was all just a dream but I knew it was real. I had lived every second of it and had relived it in my coma.
A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. I did not want to sit down but I also didn't want an orderly to come and to lose my status. I reluctantly sat down as there was a knock at the door. A second later Hogan popped his head into the room and looked around.
Dr. Cole adjusted his tie and said, "It is fine, everything is alright."
Hogan nodded to Dr. Cole then left shutting the door. Dr. Cole smoothed some wrinkles out of his clothes then calmly sat back down. In protest, I refused to look at him and turned my entire body away from him.
"Now then," he said clearing his throat. "You believed you were being attacked so that is why you lashed out at your nurses and doctors."
"Yes." I bitterly spat.
The grandfather clock suddenly chimed and I let out a sigh of relief, happy this session was over. I stood up again and said, "Well I guess we'll have to finish this up next time."
"No," said Dr. Cole. "The clock does not dismiss you, I do. Now sit back down." I let out an audible groan but slowly dropped back down on the couch. He adjusted his sunglasses then continued, "Given we had to stop short last time, I've cleared the entire morning for you."
"What!" I said leaning forward on the couch! He'd cleared the entire morning! I didn't want to be here another second let alone hours. I pulled back on the couch and threw my head back in frustration.
"Now then let us continue. Do you understand that what happened after your coma was unacceptable behavior. It is not alright to get upset or lash out because of a dream."
"I know that." I said staring up at the ceiling. I was tired of going over this again and again. I had gone over it with my doctors when I'd first woken from my coma, then Dr. Phillipston and now Dr. Cole. I swear I made one mistake five years ago and they didn't let me forget it. I really did feel like I was back at square one having to explain myself all over again "It only happened the one time and given I had just woken from a coma, I think it was perfectly understandable that I was a little disoriented."
"That is not a justification and you were more then a little disoriented." said Dr. Cole. He sat back in his chair and intertwined his fingers, "Your medical report says you didn't know who you were for quite some time."
I let out a heavy sigh and closed my eyes, "I forgot myself for a little while but-"
"Have you ever forgotten yourself again?" he asked.
"What?"
"Were there any other times, since the accident where you thought you were someone else?"
"No." I said slowly.
"So there were no other times where you believed you had been someone else?"
I paused for a moment thinking over what he'd asked. It took me a moment to realize he was asking two different questions. One question was asking if I ever thought I was someone else as in the present and the other question was asking if I had ever believed I had been someone else as in from the past. I felt like he was trying to entangle me in some elaborate web.
I bit my lip and opened my eyes. I looked at my old secret journal on his desk. He had to have read it. "I...after I recovered from my accident I never forgot who I was again." I said. He opened his mouth to speak but I kept going "For...for a time, I did believe I had been other people in different lives but I know that is not possible."
I felt like I was going in circles yet again. He just wanted the same thing Dr. Phillipston had wanted for me to admit none of it existed and that it was possible. I knew the truth in my heart and soul but once again would say whatever I had to in the end all that mattered was getting out of here.
Dr. Cole didn't say anything. Several minutes passed as we just sat there in silence. I wondered what he was doing if he was thinking or what? Eventually he pulled his hands apart and adjusted his sunglasses. He wiped his mouth then leaned forward in his chair and asked. "Do you really believe that Hannah or is it what you think I want to hear?"
I sat forward on the couch surprised by his statement. It WAS what I thought he wanted to hear but he couldn't know that, not for certain. This was probably another test. Besides what else could I really say...the truth. The truth was never going to get me out of here, no, not in a place like this. What mattered was what they believed to be true.
"Hannah." he called, when I'd failed to answer.
"I really DO believe what I am saying. I am not saying it for your benefit, honestly."
"Really," he said placing his hand on my old secret journal. He lifted it up and continued "Do you know what this is, Hannah?"
"Yes," I said somberly. "It's my old journal, I wrote in it when I was trying to figure things out."
"But you are done with all that, right? You know the truth now and no longer need to "figure" things out?"
"Yes, I'm done figuring things out." I said before biting my lip. It wasn't a total lie per say. I knew who I was now and knew who I had been. I also knew what I wanted do. I would find the others but first I had to get out of here.
Dr. Cole just sat there for another long moment before asking "Then what is this?"
He opened one of his desk's drawers and pulled out the book I'd been hiding my secret drawings in. I gasped realizing he'd found out. I had hoped it had been overlooked but at least now I knew for certain, it hadn't been destroyed. He opened the book and then flipped it releasing all of the loose pages onto his desk. I hadn't realized I'd hidden so many, no wonder it had been found, it was so obvious. Perhaps I should have spread it out over multiple books.
"Well!" he demanded.
Even though I was shocked I reminded myself I had planned for this moment. I sat up properly and casually said, "What is what?"
He shook his head, "These," he said. He put the book down and lifted up several off the drawings.
"Nothing," I said, "Just doodles. I spend a lot of time in my room. I get board so I draw,"
"Hmp, really," he said, "So why hide them?"
"I wasn't," I said, "I just liked to keep my room clean. They fit so well in that book so I used it as storage," That sounded logical...right?
Dr. Cole sat there for another moment then rubbed his temple again. "I really had hoped we could work together, Hannah but if you're going to continue to be difficult, we wont be able to make much progress."
"What!" I said acting offended. "I'm not being difficult."
"From our very first session, I asked you to be honest with me, to tell me things in your own words, yet time after time, you have been evasive, manipulative and lied directly to my face."
"What, no," I blatantly lied. It was kind of funny but now wasn't the time to laugh.
He scoffed then sighed, "I'm going to have to take your blue status away, Hannah."
"WHAT! BUT WHY?" I asked sitting on the edge of the couch, things had suddenly gotten very serious.
"As I have said, I asked you to be honest and work with me and you are being uncooperative."
"I am not!" I protested, "Honestly, I don't mean to be. I want to cooperate."
"Then I will ask you one last time, what are these drawings?"
"Nothing, I told you just doodles."
His voice got stern, "Please do not treat me like I am a fool! I told you I am not Dr. Phillipston, these drawings, these places are from your dreams! Several of them match up with the descriptions in your old journal."
"So I wanted to draw them, so what?" I shrugged.
"If it's not big did, then why didn't you just say that."
"They are still just doodles! What does it matter what I draw?"
"Again it matters! You are lying Hannah! You have been lying! To me and yourself, you are not going to get better as long as you are in denial."
"I am not in denial." I said shaking my head "I might have been mistaken at one point in my life but I know what is real and what is not, now. I really do.
"I...do...not...believe...you." Dr. Cole said slowly, emphasizing each word.
Things were definitely beginning to feel like before with Dr. Phillipston. He hadn't believed me either but I knew what to say and how to act now now. I knew what they wanted, didn't I? I began to second guess myself as Dr. Cole pushed a button on his desk then feverishly jotted down notes. A moment later the door opened and Hogan returned. I looked at Hogan and then back at Dr. Cole. I bit my lip knowing this couldn't be good.
Dr. Cole continued taking notes for a minute or two longer before he set down his pen and said."You'll be happy know I've finished my assessment."
"Really," I said. Some small sliver of me was still hopeful.
He shut his notebook then said, "Yes." He sat up straight and intertwined his fingers once more, placing his hands on top of the desk. "I don't think you're going to be ready for release anytime soon, if ever."
If..If...if...ever. If ever.. IF EVER! My heart caught in my throat for a second before I shouted "NO! NO!" I stood up getting upset. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"
Hogan stepped up to me but Dr. Cole waved him off. "I can and I just did." he said lifting his head to look up at me. A smile spread across his thin lips before he continued "As I said, Hannah I gave you every opportunity to be truthful and you chose to lie."
He didn't know anything! He didn't know what was true to me! Without thinking I stammered "I...I did not! I haven not lied once!"
Okay... as soon as I blurted that out, I knew it was a BIT of an overstatement but I was never good when I was put on the spot. I know I'd told a few little lies here or there and altered some things but I didn't' think I'd changed anything majorly. Either way at this point I figured I had to go all in. I mean it wouldn't look good to admit to some things being blatant lies because he might just lump everything I said together.
"Really." he said rubbing his jaw, "I beg to differ. That's not what your medical reports are telling me."
"I- I know what they say but a lot of that is THEIR opinion." I said struggling to think of an excuse. "You- You asked for things in my own words, in my own truth, just because it differs from what they said doesn't mean it's a lie. I remember my grandfather saying people could have a difference in opinion. That two people could agree to disagree, with neither of them being wrong or right but-"
"Okay," he said catching me off guard. I didn't expect him to agree so easily. I stopped talking and he crossed his arms as he continued. "You say you haven't lied once! That these medical reports are just opinion! Well tell me how is your withdraw going? You know from the medications you've been taking? Now that you've been off them for a while, you should have problems sleeping, feeling cold and shaky and what about blurred vision?"
"I never felt any of that when I got off them!" I said without thinking.
A big smile spread across his thin lips once more, "AH HA!" He said, "And just when did you stop! Clearly not recently! I've been observing you these past few weeks for the actual side effects and you've had none. There is a different Hannah, between opinion and FACT!"
He'd been watching me? When? I pulled back and knew it was pointless to argue. He had caught me in at least one lie I couldn't refute. Shit! I should have pretended to have side effects but given I'd gone off all my medications at once, I didn't know what withdraw had gone with which pills. All I knew was I'd been miserable as shit for a few days, then after a week or so I started to feel better.
I also hadn't felt any of the withdraw he'd mentioned, blurry vision maybe but not cold or shaky if anything I'd been hot and tied.
"Well, Hannah?" he boasted, "What do you have to say for yourself."
"I-" I bit my lip and decided to be honest with him. "I didn't like how they made me feel and I didn't think I needed to take them because I'm not crazy."
"Didn't like how they made you feel. Hmp. Well I'm sorry to tell you Hannah, there are a lot of things you are not going to like." Dr. Cole nodded to Hogan and he suddenly moved towards me again. Dr. Cole pulled out a green hospital band from a draw in his desk and continued "It looks like you're not going outside anytime soon."
"NO! NO! NO!" I screamed. I got up on the couch refusing to give up my hospital band, at this point everything felt like it was exploding. I was already in so much trouble so what did it hurt to fight back, "I WANT OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT CRAZY! I'M-"
I tried to go around Hogan, hoping to jump from the couch to the floor and get to the door. Once I was outside this room I wasn't sure what I would do. I'd never been in this part of the asylum but maybe I could find a way out. I moved to jump off the couch but Hogan caught me midair. I thought he would just grab me and pull me to the floor. However he quickly lifted me up and then moved me into a strange position before body slamming me down on the floor.
He knocked the wind out of me and I violently coughed, gasping for air. Hogan pinned me down as Dr. Cole came around his desk, with scissors and a new hospital band. It wasn't green or yellow but red, the second to the last. I wanted to scream but couldn't catch my breath enough to speak.
Dr. Cole dropped to his knees beside me and roughly grabbed my arm. I was suddenly reminded of the Shadow Man from my dreams. My eyes rolled back in my head as I recalled how he had someone… a henchman, who would do his bidding! Yes! Yes! He was the Shadow Man's confidant and most loyal follower! This...this henchman ultimately did whatever the Shadow Man wanted and without question, including pinning me down so that the Shadow Man could rape me!
I turned my head to the side and closed my eyes as they filled with tears. I knew...I knew that wasn't happening right now but I recalled what it felt like to be pinned down and be absolutely...utterly helpless. I whimpered as I felt Dr. Cole cut the band from my wrist. He attached the new one then called out to me.
"Now Hannah!" I barely heard him still reeling from the memory, "Hannah, look at me!"
I refused, I just wanted to curl up into a ball but felt Dr. Cole grasp hold of my chin. He forced me to turn my head in his direction. I opened my eyes but couldn't see his expression through my tears. I felt his cold touch grow softer and one of his fingers brushed my cheek as a tear rolled down it. He wiped the tear away then brought his hand to his mouth and froze. Suddenly all at once, he let go of me and jerked away. He got to his feet and rushed to the other side of the room, where I couldn't see him anymore. I trembled with emotion and finally managed to cry out as I got my breath back.
A moment later I heard Dr. Cole shout, "GET HER OUT OF HERE!"
Hogan lifted me in one swift motion. One second I was on the floor and the next I was on my feet. He hauled me to the door and Dr. Cole called out after him his voice wavering. "HOGAN! I could see Dr. Cole now, his back was to us as he was standing in front of a window, the curtains still drawn. He raised his hand up still not looking back and hissed "Give her. Give her some time to "reflect!" I didn't like how he emphasized reflect. I didn't know what that meant but it couldn't be good.
I struggled against Hogan as he pulled me from the room. I knew it was pointless to fight him, he was bigger and stronger then me had no patience for my disobedience but I couldn't help myself. I kicked and screamed as he carried me through the halls like I was nothing. We turned down several hallways and went up and down some stairs before I realized where we were. We went through a set of double doors that I knew all too well. QUIET TIME! Hogan set me down and an orderly sitting at a desk perked up, when he saw us. He quickly got up and grabbed a straight jacket from a rack.
"NO!" I cried please, "I'LL BE GOOD! PLEASE NO!"
"SHUT UP!" Hogan snarled. He forced me into the straight jacket and locked it up tight before the orderly said, "Three is free,"
Hogan jerked me to the other side of the room that was just a wall of doors. He opened the third door and tossed me into the room. I fell to the floor and he hissed, "REFLECT!" Before slamming the door shut. I laid there in the dark and began to madly sob. I realized "reflect" was just another name for "quiet time!" I hated this place and hadn't been here in over a year. This truly did feel like a nightmare!
It took me a while but I managed to calm myself down. Then I struggled like an inch worm. I tried to get up or get to a wall so I could sit against it but it had been a while since I'd used my stomach muscles so intensely. In the end I settled for rolling over onto my back. Tears streamed down my face hitting my ears as I kept replaying what Dr. Cole had said, 'I don't think you're going to be ready for release anytime soon,' "If ever… if ever...if ever…if ever." I madly whispered to myself. I couldn't take it here! I couldn't take another year of this, let alone the rest of my life! I knew...I knew if I didn't get out of here soon, I really WOULD go mad!
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