For the first time in years I didn't know how things were going to go from now on. I found myself tossing and turning in my sleep as I realized I'd gotten used to the routine of this awful place. I wondered if Dr. Cole was going to keep things the same or change them up? Either way I wondered how it would affect me getting out of here. Would I really have to start back at square one or would he read Dr. Phillipston's notes and release me soon?
Eventually the morning alarm bell sounded waking me up. I suppose that was a sign that things hadn't changed just yet. I got up as I did every morning and made my bed. I put on my slippers and then waited for an orderly to unlock my door. Once they had I stepped out into the hall with a bunch of the other girls. My entire wing of the asylum was just females. While they let us mingle with the other sexes in common room we didn't share any of the same housing or bathrooms.
A few orderlies stood around while a nurse with a clipboard walked down the hall marking each one of us off. I think her name was Lee but I wasn't sure. After a while names, dates, weather, none of it really mattered. It all just blurred together in this unending nightmare.
Once we had all been accounted for the nurse took us to the large washroom. The orderlies would wait outside while the nurse stood just in the doorway. It was up to us to relieve ourselves and take care of our hygiene. Most of us did, while others just liked to mess around with the soap and water. They'd make a big mess that often times wouldn't get cleaned up for days or even weeks. If things ever got too rowdy, we'd just get one warning before the nurse called the orderlies in and we'd all be punished.
Once we were done in the washroom we were taken to the cafeteria. From there we waited in line to get our breakfast and medication. Morning medication was the only dose of pills I still had to take. I was given three different kinds in a small little cup. Thankfully, the orderly that handed out the morning medication was usually too tired to watch us physically take them. He usually just handed us the cup and zoned out.
I'd get my food and eat, once I knew I was done, I'd hide the medication in what was left over. Even if they insisted I eat more I could always spit it out into a napkin and throw it away. So far it had worked every time. I picked a random table to sit at and once again ate by myself. People pretty much sat anywhere they liked during breakfast, save for the staff table. Some would sit alone like me but a lot of patients would group together. I didn't like that because if there was a ruckus at the table, like in the washrooms everyone would get in trouble whether they were involved or not and I couldn't risk that. No, it was better to stay by myself and focus on getting out of here.
A few minutes into my meal I noticed Dr. Cole come into the cafeteria. He had a rather large orderly with him I'd never seen before. He must have been new. There was also a young nurse I'd never seen before as well. She kept her hair up in a tight bun high atop her head. Dr. Cole looked about the room and didn't seem happy. He spoke to the two as they flanked him. He moved his hands about gesturing to various parts of the cafeteria.
I saw them shake their heads in response. I wondered what they were up to? I found myself watching them closely, to be fair not much happened around here so anything new was really something. I looked around and noticed several other patients were also staring as well. When I looked back Dr. Cole's head was facing my direction. It felt like he was looking directly at me but I couldn't be certain.
I don't know why but I suddenly got nervous and stared down at my plate. When I'd had enough of my stale cinnamon toast and lukewarm porridge, I neatly shoved my pills into the porridge. I showed the cafeteria monitor my tray and they didn't even look at it, they were so focused on Dr. Cole moving about the cafeteria. They waved me off and I dumped my tray with ease.
I made my way to the common room next as we usually spent our mornings there. It was another large room just a room over from the cafeteria. It was the only time we were allowed to walk ourselves. The common room didn't offer much, there were a few couches, tables, chairs and benches but they were all bolted down or very flimsy. We shared one radio we weren't allowed to touch and an assortment of board games, puzzles and cards that were all missing pieces. We had a few books but those too were missing pages. Still it was some place to go other then our cramped rooms and it had windows.
You could walk about and socialize... I guess but again I mostly kept to myself. I liked to stare out the windows even though they were covered in metal mesh and bars, so no one could break them or escape but I could still see outside. We were on the second floor, I liked to stare off into the distance and daydream about the day I would be far, far away from this place. I hoped that day would be soon, so very, very soon.
As I approached the common room's doors, I noticed several patients were being shuffled out by the new orderly that had been with Dr. Cole. Once everyone was out, he shut and locked the common room's double doors. Then he waved a hand about gesturing to someone. I turned around and noticed half a dozen nurses and orderlies. They looked tired like they had just been woken up. They stepped up to us and I watched a nurse take Sally, who liked to pull her hair, away. Bob was next as an orderly stepped up behind him and simply guided him away. I wondered what was going on as several others were also taken away.
An orderly soon approached me and said, "Follow me."
I nodded and then followed him. Admittedly I got a little excited, wondering where we were going but quickly became disappointed, when I realized he was just taking me back to my room. The orderly had me step inside and then locked me in. I wondered why it was different from usual. I didn't like not knowing what was going on and spent most the morning fretting in my room. Eventually I read my books and drew a little, to calm down but kept wondering if this was the new normal or if something else was going on.
When it was time for lunch, the slot in my door opened and they pushed a tray of food into my room. It was pineapple, beans with melted cheese on top and a roll. It wasn't the first time I had been fed in my room but it had been a while. They usually only made you eat in your room if your were super sick or in trouble. I found myself worrying even more. I picked up my tray and slowly ate it in bed. Then I went back to drawing.
After a bit there was a knock on my door and I assumed they'd come for the tray. The door opened before I could get up and the new big orderly stepped into my room. He had had two other orderlies with him. I froze thinking I must be in trouble but what had I done.
The big orderly's voice was gruff as he instructed me, "Get up and go to the empty corner." I did as he told me, then he said, "Face the corner and put your hands on the wall, palms down," Once again I did what he wanted, then without warning, he approached me and began patting me down. I didn't understand why, I had got patted down when I first arrived years ago but not since. His hands moved over the outside of my clothing and then he ordered me to, "Maintain the position."
I held the position as they began tearing up my room. I moved my head about and watched them though the corner of my eyes. I saw them take my things and put them in a box on the floor. The big orderly lifted up my mattress then checked all about my room. I swear he went over ever crack in the walls. I watched as he he found my various stashes of colored wax. I knew I was suppose to maintain my position but I felt so violated.
I didn't own much and they seemed to be taking everything from my room, my paper, colored wax and even my books. When I saw them taking my book with the secret pictures in it, I flew into a panic. I pulled from the position and turn to face them. I shouted "WHAT IS GOING ON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY THINGS?"
The big orderly was having none of it, he shouted back at me, "RETURN TO YOUR POSITION AND BE QUIET! I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN!"
I could tell he meant business, like when my father got really mad and threatened to get his belt. I didn't want them taking my things but there...there was nothing I could do. I had no control! I returned to the position and helplessly watched out of the corner of my eyes as they took everything away. Once it was all packed and the box was shut, they wrote on it and took it to a cart in the hall. I had to really strain my neck to see it.
The big orderly did another once around the room then stepped out of the room. I was only left with my bedding now. I wondered if they'd take that too but a few seconds later the big orderly called out to me, "As you were."
I turned around just as he was shutting my door. A moment later I heard him lock it. I rushed about my room, checking to see if they'd left me anything but they hadn't. I wondered what I'd done! It had taken me years to get everything. I'd come here with nothing and had to trade or steal to get anything. Why were they doing this to me? I sat down on my bed to think but heard someone else screaming and shouting. Then one of the alarm bells suddenly rang. I went to my door and looked out the tiny window.
I saw several orderlies rushing down the hall. A few seconds later, I saw them carrying Crimson as she cursed them out at the top of her lungs. She tried to fight them and even bite at them as they carried her down the hall but they wouldn't let her go. Once she was out of sight, I moved so I could see the door to her room. It was open and the orderlies were taking stuff out. I quickly realized it wasn't just me they were doing this to everyone!
I pulled back from the window and returned to my bed. I didn't know what to think now. Why were they emptying our rooms? Was this part of Dr. Cole taking over or was something else going on? Were they looking for something perhaps? Eventually, I pulled from my thoughts finding I had to pee.
Usually I'd be in the common room around this time and have access to a nurse, who could just take me to the smaller washroom. I wondered what I was going to do now.
I stepped up to my door wondering if I should bang on it, to get the orderlies attention but I didn't really want the big orderly to come back. I bit my lip, then walked around in a circle a few times before I recalled my room had an intercom. Each room had one, but we weren't suppose to use it, unless it was important. I was pretty sure the intercom was more for the staff then the patients, still I pushed the button and waited.
A female voice soon responded, "Yes?"
"I uh I have to pee," I said pushing the button again.
"It is not your assigned time." said the woman.
"What?" I said. Since when did we have assigned washroom times!
"Your assigned time is before meals and bed."
I waited for her to continue and when she didn't, I pushed the button yet again."I really have to pee like very badly. I might have an accident."
There was a long pause before she responded, "I would advise against that."
I furrowed my brow thinking no shit. I pushed the button a few more times but she didn't respond after that. I wondered what time it was and began pacing around my room, trying to distract myself, I didn't think I'd make it but after a while I no longer needed to go. Some time passed and eventually someone came to get me. My door opened and I saw it was the new nurse that wore her hair up in a tight bun, atop her head, she had an orderly with her.
"Come now!" she spat, snapping her fingers.
They escorted me to the big washroom and the orderly waited outside while the nurse came in with me. That was how it usually worked, only there were usually a dozen or so of us at a time. When we got inside, I found things had drastically changed since this morning. They had removed all the stalls and the toilets were now visible for everyone to see. They'd also taken the curtains away from all the bathtubs and removed all of the mirrors. I also took note of the sinks and saw they'd taken the handles off every sink but one. I bit my lip and couldn't help but wonder why?
"Well," said the nurse crossing her arms, "I thought you were going to burst."
I realized she'd been the one on the intercom earlier. I didn't really want to go in front of her but it didn't look like I had a choice in the matter. I quickly turned to the nearest toilet and relieved myself. I kept my eyes on the floor the entire time not wanting to make eye contact with her. When I was finished, I quickly washed my hands at the one working sink then went to dry them on a nearby towel but the nurse got in my way.
She shook her head and put her hands on her hips, asking, "What do you think you are doing?"
"I need to dry my hands." I said.
"First you actually need to wash them." she hissed.
She gestured for me to return to the sink, then proceeded to show me how to lather up my hands, how long to keep the soap on and the proper way to rinse. Once she was finished, she even showed me the proper way to dry before insisting I copy her. I did as she wanted and then we left the washroom.
I was hoping we'd go to the cafeteria next but they returned me to my room. I found my dinner had already arrived and I ate in my bed once more. It was mashed potatoes, with a cold meat patty, applesauce and bun. I ate it all super slow as there was nothing else to do. Eventually someone came and collected the tray, then I paced around my room until lights out and went to bed.
The next morning I was taken to the washroom then had breakfast in my room. It was a bit tricky, it came with my morning pills and they expected me to take them right then and there. I pretended to but then hid it in my cheek until they were gone. Once they were, I spat them out and place them in the remainder of my food. I spent all day inside my room once more eating lunch and dinner in my bed. I was only let out to use the washroom once before bed.
The next day it was the same and the day after. I don't know how many days this went on but it felt like forever as I ate every meal in my room and was only allowed to use the washroom twice a day. I felt like I was in quiet time, only the walls weren't padded. Several times I thought I was going to lose my mind it was so boring with nothing to do. I spent most my days staring at the various cracks in the walls or playing little games in my head.
One day things thankfully changed. I had breakfast and lunch in my room but after I had my evening washroom time they escorted me to the cafeteria. I was so exited to get to go somewhere else. When we got there, I saw it had changed as well. The room had been repainted and the tables had been moved around. There were lines of tape and writing all over the floor. I saw some places where temporary wall dividers had been put up and there was maybe a handful of people eating. I quickly realized they were only bringing people in one at a time.
The new nurse and orderly went with me to get my tray of food. Once I had it, the nurse took a clipboard off the wall and looked over several pages. After a second or two, she nodded to herself, then put the clipboard back on the wall. She gestured for me to follow and we went to the upper left corner of the room. As we passed by tables, I began to notice they had paper placemats taped to them and each placemat had a name written on it.
We went to a table in the very corner of the room. It had three placemats on it, one of them had my name written on it. The nurse gestured to the seat in front of my placemat and I sat down. Once I was settled, the nurse tapped the table with her fingers nails and I finally noticed how long they were. I'd completely missed it earlier when she was washing her hands.
"From now on, this will be your seat, when you are allowed to eat in the cafeteria, you will eat here and ONLY here, understand."
I nodded, then she and the orderly left me to eat. I ate my meal slowly thinking all of this was so weird. I looked around the room and wondered what was on the other side of the wall dividers. I wondered if that was where the new staff section would be. I noticed none of the staff were eating it was all just patients.
I continued to look around the room and noticed multiple orderlies walking about the cafeteria. Usually we only had one food monitors and an orderly, sometimes it was just the one orderly and a lunch lady, to monitor. The big orderly suddenly stepped into the cafeteria drawing my attention. I noticed Dr. Cole was with him. He stepped into the cafeteria and the big orderly followed Dr. Cole like Dr. Cole used to follow Dr. Phillipston. It was weird seeing Dr. Cole in front for once. He seemed to be settling right in to his new position.
They talked while they walked and got their trays of food. Then I noticed them coming over my way. I quickly pretended to be interested in my food as they passed by me. Through the corner of my eye I watched as they sat down at the table right next to mine. I tried to listen in on their conversation but they didn't speak while they ate.
After a few minutes I decided I was done with my dinner. I wasn't a fan of chicken dip night at least that is what I called it. They dipped the chicken in batter then didn't cook it all the way so it was always wet and would run into the mash potatoes. I liked the big buttermilk biscuit that came with it but barely touched the carrots and green bean mix as they were usually gross. I had one last spoonful of mash potatoes and thought that would be enough to make the required amount.
I stood up and an orderly started to approach me but Dr. Cole lifted his hand. "I'll take care of this one."
The orderly nodded and went back to walking around the cafeteria. Dr. Cole stood and approached me, a second later the big orderly followed his suit, coming over as well.
"Did you need something Hannah?" asked Dr. Cole.
"No, I'm done eating." I said, I felt a bit awkward having them standing in front of me. 'I was just gonna dump my tray."
"There is still food on your plate." said the big orderly.
"But I'm full and they usually only make us eat half" I said.
"That rule no longer applies." said the big orderly.
"Waste not what not. You must finish your tray from now on." said Dr. Cole. "It's important to get your full nutritional value."
"Oh." I said thinking this sucked. "Okay."
I didn't really want to eat anymore but I sat back down and took another spoonful of the mash potatoes. Dr. Cole nodded at me and then returned to his seat. The big orderly glared down at me for a second longer before he returned to his seat as well.
I looked around as I reluctantly forced myself to finish off my tray of food. I couldn't help but wonder what breakfast was going to be like with my pills. I was going to have to be careful and sneak them out of here since I couldn't hide them in my food and toss them with the trash. I noticed some other patients were also being told to finish their food as well. Anyone who protested too much was practically carried out of the room. I also noticed several carts with trays of food being wheeled out of the cafeteria. I guess some people still had to have their meals in their rooms.
When I was finally finished eating I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't know if I should get up again or not. I looked around the room some more and saw Dr. Cole and the big orderly had finished eating at the same time. They stood up and dropped off their empty trays. The new nurse rushed over to them and they chatted for a moment before Dr. Cole turned in my direction. The new nurse nodded and Dr. Cole and the big orderly left the room.
A moment later the new nurse came over to my table. She looked at my tray and then gestured for me to get up. She took me to drop off my tray then got the attention of a near by orderly. He came over and she requested I be returned to my room. Back in my room I paced around a bit before laying down on my bed.
I stared off into space for a while and then suddenly heard the intercom speaker in my room crackle. I soon heard Dr. Cole's voice as he made an announcement.
"Hello, and good evening to you all. This is your new Director, Dr. Callum Cole. Some of you may have noticed a change in your normal routines. As I take charge of Meadow Brooke Asylum, I will be making some much needed updates. Please listen to your nurses and orderlies and do your best to behave during this trying time. Thank you all and good night."
I sat up on my bed thinking about what I'd just heard. Dr. Cole was making some much needed updates. I wondered why? I knew he might change some things but thought he was going to mostly keep things the same. At least that is what I got from hearing him and Dr. Phillipston talk the other night. So far it felt like Dr. Cole was changing a ton of stuff.
I heard several patients scream and yell in obvious protest of Dr. Cole's announcement. It went on for a few minutes but eventually died down. I daydreamed a little then found myself wondering where all my things were once again. Mostly I worried if my sketches were safe. They were the closest things I had to pictures of my love and our friends... my true family. I hoped I'd get them all back, when Dr. Cole finished with whatever he was up to but I couldn't be sure, nothing was ever certain here.
I bit my lip as I heard heavy footsteps in the hallway. A few seconds later someone started yelling, it sounded a lot like... Dr. Phillipston! "YOU CAN NOT DO THIS TO ME! THIS IS STILL MY ASYLUM! HOW DARE YOU!"
"You'll find I dare many things." A man responded, I didn't quite recognize his voice.
I quickly rushed to my door and looked out the small window. I saw Dr. Phillipston being dragged down the hall by the big orderly. Mrs. Mara was not far behind him, with two orderlies escorting her. She had her head down and looked to be sobbing. The new nurse was a few steps behind her and she had a cruel smile on her face. Dr. Cole was at the very end of this sudden parade of staff. He had his hands behind his back. As he passed by my door, he suddenly paused and turned his head in my direction. I wondered if he could see me... watching. I quickly stepped back from the door.
"YOU CAN NOT DO THIS TO ME! WAIT UNTIL THE BOARD HEARS ABOUT THIS!"
"Who do you think sent me here in the first place." said Dr. Cole.
"NO THEY WOULD NOT! THEY WOULD NOT DARE!" Dr. Phillipston bellowed.
He continued yelling but it became hard to understand. After a while he was so far away I could barely hear him. I wondered what was going on? He didn't seem happy about this at all. I know I should probably be freaked out or something but seeing him upset, yelling and being dragged down the hall like that, brought joy to my heart. How many times had the orderlies drag me through the halls, at his order! How many times had I cried, screamed and protested that he couldn't do this to me! He never listened to me! He always knew what was best! No matter what I said, he was always right and I was wrong! I guess this time he was wrong!
HE was no longer in control, this was no longer HIS asylum and just like that, he was being dragged through the halls. To who knows where or why? What did I care? He sure didn't care about me the other day, when he chose to leave me in here and retire. I smiled falling back on my bed. I guess some of these changes weren't so bad.
The next few days passed ever so slowly. I'd get up in the morning, be taken to the washroom, then led to my spot in the cafeteria. I was worried about my morning medications at first, considering I had to eat everything but found they weren't giving them out right now. After I finished eating, I'd be taken back to my room to wait for lunch and then dinner. Then some more washroom time before Dr. Cole made his nightly announcement and finally it would be lights out. I'd go to sleep and then the day would start up all over again.
Things inside my room were quite uneventful but outside things were happening. I'd hear noises at all hours of the day and night and began to notice more changes, every times I was let out of my room. I saw staff and construction workers, painting, putting up chicken wire and steel partitions. They started closing certain areas off and breaking up others with check points and more security gates. I thought security had been tight before but now things looked like they were going to be even tighter.
One morning I woke up, went to the washroom and had breakfast like normal but when I was done, I wasn't taken back to my room. Instead I was taken to another section of the asylum. One I'd never been to. I was led down a long hall and up some stairs before we came to a door with Dr. Cole's name on it. I realized this must be his office. I just figured he'd be taking Dr. Phillipston's old one but apparently not.
The new nurse was escorting me all by herself. She knocked on the door and I heard Dr. Cole say "You may enter."
The nurse opened the door and we stepped inside. Dr. Cole was sitting behind a desk doing paperwork. Behind him was a large window that took up most of the wall and looked out on the asylum's courtyard. I was taken in by the trees and daylight for a moment. The windows were just so big and didn't have mesh or bars on them. I couldn't recall the last time I'd looked through an actual window.
When I finally managed to looked away, I glanced around his room and saw several nice black leather chairs in front of his desk, along with a leather couch against a wall near the door. The walls were also lined with bookshelves and dozens if not hundreds of books. I had never seen so many outside of a library.
All of his stuff looked so new and I wondered where it had come from. I realized Dr. Cole must have brought it, when he arrived. I supposed he had brought his home furniture, when he moved into the asylum so why not bring his office furniture as well. I took a longer look around the room and had to say his office was a lot nicer then Dr. Phillipston's. He definitely looked more put together… everything seemed to have a place.
I heard a chime go off and saw an ornate grandfather clock, to my right. I'd missed it on my first pass off the room as it blended in with the bookshelves. I watched it chime again and various parts moved about before it grew quiet. I wanted to examine it but the new nurse blocked me, when I tried to walk up to it. She got in my face and I backed up until I hit one of the chairs in front of Dr. Cole's desk.
"You will touch nothing! Now sit down and behave!" She gave me a scathing looked and I quickly sat down nearly falling into the chair. Once I had complied, she turned to Dr. Cole and put on a pleasant expression and voice, "Patient Hannah Greene."
"Thank you, Nurse Violet," said Dr. Cole not looking up from his paperwork.
Nurse Violet, I realized that was the new nurse's name. She nodded to Dr. Cole then left the room. I sat there for a moment looking around the room some more. I noticed some art work as he jotted down notes. I wanted to get a closer look at them but as soon as I stood up, Dr. Cole lifted his head. "And how are we today, Hannah?"
"Okay," I said. "You have a really nice office."
"Yes," he said, putting his pen in the front pocket of his doctor's coat.
"I really like your window."
"Yes, it is quite something. You can look out it, if you'd like."
"Really?" I asked surprised.
"Yes," he said sitting back in his chair. His gestured to the window. "Please be my guest."
I quickly stepped up to the window, a bit more excited then I should be but it was a real window! I could see so much but it was mostly the asylum grounds. I tried to look beyond the buildings and walls. I saw some distant forest and sky before I suddenly noticed Dr. Cole was standing behind me. I saw his reflection in the glass. I hadn't even heard him get up. I turned around and he was inches away from me. Without a word he stepped to stand beside me and looked out the window. I turned back around and for a few seconds we both just looked outside.
Eventually he broke the silence saying, "It is a rather nice view, isn't it?"
"Yes," I said. "It's been a long time since I've looked out a window without bars or mesh."
"Yes, while I aim to fix that. Now, if you would please take a seat, we can begin our first session" He turn and gestured to his desk.
"Does it matter where I sit?
He smiled slightly and said "Please sit, wherever you'd like."
I looked at the chairs but chose the couch. It looked so comfy and I was correct. I sat down and ran my hands over the black leather. There were several dips in the couch where the fabric had been brought in tight. Unlike Dr. Phillipston's old couch this looked pristine. I wondered if it had ever been used before Meadow Brooke Asylum.
Dr. Cole picked up a notebook from his desk then turned one of the chairs in front of it, to face the couch and sat down. He seemed more at ease now, perhaps it was because this was his personal space and he was no longer under the thumb of Dr. Phillipston. I noticed he was wearing a similar blue tie, perhaps even the same one from our first meeting. For a moment I stared at it and again, I was reminded of the blue rose maze garden, from my nightmares. I turned away after a second not wanting to cause trouble again.
"Is something wrong?" He asked.
"No."I lied.
"Is it my tie?"
"No," I lied again.
"I can take it off, if you'd like."
"That's okay." I said.
He paused for a moment then slowly reached up to his neck and removed his tie. I don't know why, he didn't have to...Dr. Phillipston never would have. I watched him slip the tie into the pocket of his doctors coat before he smiled at me and said, "There, better?"
"I guess," I said facing him once more
"Do you not like the color?" he asked.
"No, I love the color it's just-," I stopped myself
"Just what? Why the aversion?"
"Not so much an aversion, I just….well, it reminds me of something unpleasant."
"Yes." he said, "And what would that be?"
"A nightmare."
"Tell me about it?" He asked crossing his legs.
"It's nothing really, just a nightmare."
"I don't think so."
"Please, I don't want to talk about it."
We sat in silence for a moment, I thought he was going to keep pushing me, Dr. Phillipston would have but after a minute or so Dr. Cole let out a deep sigh and said, "Why don't we start again."
"Start again?" I repeated confused.
"Yes." He said. "How are you doing today Hannah?"
"Okay, I guess," I said slowly, thinking this was weird.
"Good," he said. He gave me a soft smile, then said. "Now Hannah, what I'd like to do with our session today, is pretend this is your first session."
"It is our first session." I pointed out with a chuckle.
"Yes, but I'd like you to pretend this is your first therapy session ever. Pretend that Dr. Phillipston doesn't exist and that before me you've never seen another psychiatrist. Pretend you have never talked to anyone about your problems and that I know nothing about you. As of now Hannah, you have a clean slate, no past, no labels, nothing beyond this moment here and now, with me."
"A clean slate." I said, surprised.
"Yes, now can you do that? Can you pretend?"
"I suppose." I said.
"Good, now, why do you think you're at Meadow Brooke Asylum?"
"What?" I said confused. "Why do I think I'm here?"
"Yes."
"Well my parents sent me her-"
Dr. Cole put his hand up and I stopped talking, "Let us go even further, shall we and take your parents our of the equation. I do not want to know why they or anyone else said you should be here. I want to know why YOU think you are here."
I paused for a long moment and considered what he said. Why did I think I should be here? I didn't think I should be here! This had to be some sort of trick question or something but I played along. I bit my lip then said, "Well um, given what you said, then I don't know why I'm here."
"You don't know why you are here?" he asked
"Yes, not really. I mean when you take out all that other stuff, then I don't think I should be here."
"Why is that?" He asked folding his hands in his lap.
"Well, I'm not crazy." I said cautiously.
"Alright, define crazy," he said leaning back in his chair.
"I don't know... someone who is mentally unwell or disturbed."
"I see." He unfolded his hands and opened his notebook. Then he pulled the pen from his white coat and began jotting down notes. "So if you are not crazy then why else are you here?"
"Like I said, I don't know." I said. "When I first got here I kept trying to tell people, I don't belong here that it was just a misunderstanding."
"I see." he said, he tapped his pen on his notebook before jotting down more notes. I wished I could see what he was writing. I bit my lip and felt like I was walking into some sort of trap. He noticed my uneasy expression and asked. "What are you thinking right now?"
"Nothing?" I lied.
He let out a small sigh then set his pen down in the notebook. "I'm going to be straight forward with you Hannah. Can I be straight forward?"
"Yes," I said. "Please."
"Alright well, honesty is important to me. It is important you are honest with me and in turn I'll be honest with you."
I doubted that but said. "Alright."
"Now, what were you thinking just now?"
"I guess, I feel like I might be stepping into a trap."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because I don't know, Dr. Phillip-"
"I'm not Dr. Phillipston." He interrupted. "As I said he no longer exists. Right now, it's just you and me and I need you to trust me."
"It's hard," I said.
"Why?"
"I don't know…it's complicated."
"Well let's uncomplicate it. Why do you think I would be setting a trap for you?"
"Because maybe you want to keep me here and are looking for... reasons." I shrugged. It sounded kind of silly and paranoid, when I said it out loud but I remembered how Dr. Phillipston had said things. He said he was my friend and wanted me to trust him, yet once I broke down, he used it against me to keep me here.
"Am I." he said picking up his pen. He jotted down some notes.
Again I wished I could see what he was writing. "Yeah. I guess, that is your job."
"My job is to treat people who are unwell and help them to get better. Right now, I'm honestly trying to asses your difficulties, to see how and if I can assist you."
"Right." I said.
"Do you not believe me?" he asked. He looked up from his notebook and titled his head.
"No, I just, it doesn't seem like that at least Dr. Phil-"
"As I've said, I am not him. I'm not trying to keep you here Hannah. I'm just trying to assess what help you might need, in order to become a functioning member of society."
"Right... well, I don't think I need any more help. I mean opening the door so I could leave would be nice."
He let out a small chuckle then said, "Yes, well this is only our first session, let's give it a few more before we start heading for the door."
"Alright." I said. So far he was easier to get along with. He had yet to call me a liar or insist I was crazy. He just wanted to know why I thought I was here but to what end, I still wasn't sure.
"Okay, let's go over what we've learned so far." he said flipping through his notes, I hadn't realized he'd taken so many. "You don't know why you're here. You don't think you should be here and the only help you need is me showing you to the door, does that sum it up."
"Yes." I said smiling.
"Alright," he said. He tapped his pen on his notebook then looked over his notes again. He nodded then continued. "Let's take a moment to talk about your incident."
"Incident?" I asked.
"Yes, I heard you drove off a bridge."
I what! I dropped my jaw in disbelief, the way he said it, sounded like I'd done it on purpose! Had Dr. Phillipston told him I'd done it on purpose! Knowing him probably, he always like to come to his own conclusions and twist thing to fit his assessment! "I- uhh-" I adamantly shook my head. "NO! it wasn't an incident it was an accident! I didn't drive off a bridge! I mean I did but not on purpose!"
"Please, tell me about it." he said.
I sucked on my lower lip a bit hesitant. I was finding it hard to trust doctors in this life but at least this one was giving me a chance. Dr. Phillipston had just read my parents letter and my journal before making his own determination. I couldn't believe he thought I drove off a bridge on purpose! I furrowed my brow in anger.
"Hannah?" called Dr. Cole.
"Sorry," I said, "I was just thinking."
I took a deep breath then began to slowly tell him about that day. I told him as much as I could remember, from my breakfast and chores, to how eager I was to drive. He listened as I went on about my mom giving me the keys and how everything had seemed to be going good until the bridge. I told him about the chicken truck, checking if I should go over the bridge with my mother and then the silver sports car that appeared out of nowhere. I made it clear, I had veered to avoid a collision, I'd hit the bridge's railing, the car broke through and went over into the water. He jotted down notes every so often but mostly listened.
When I was finally done he adjusted his sunglasses and said, "My that does sound like quite the accident. What happened after you fell into the water?"
"Well, I don't remember much after that." I said looking up at the ceiling. I thought I'd skip over the memory part. "But eventually I woke up and was told I'd been in a coma."
"I see." he said tapping his pen on his notebook, "When you first woke up, how did you feel?"
"I- Well it was a lot to take in. I guess I felt a bit out of sorts."
"How so?" he asked.
"Well it all happened so fast for me, one second I was in the water and the next waking up in a hospital. I didn't know where I was."
"Okay, so you woke up out of sorts and then what happened?"
I paused thinking back, I vaguely recalled screaming and attacking my nurses and doctors. I didn't mean to before I had woken up I was fighting for my life and hadn't realized I was no longer in danger but I WASN'T going to tell him that it sounded so bad. I swallowed then said, "Well, eventually, things got sorted out and they let me go home." Yeah that sounded way better. It wasn't really a lie either I just glossed over things. I mean things DID eventually get sorted out enough that they let me go home.
"What happened when you got home?"
"Well things went on as they usually did."
"So nothing happened out of the ordinary, at the hospital or home." he said. I watched him purse his lips.
"Well," I felt like he was testing me. He had to know. "I mean stuff happened but it was little things really, just peculiar."
"Peculiar? How so?" he asked jotting down some notes.
"Well, I had new interests. I also knew how to do things that I hadn't before. Like I knew how to tie this crazy knot and play the piano."
"Yes, well," he said looking up from his notes, "The mind is rather amazing. Not everything is fully understood just yet especially when it comes to injures, the mind has a lot of ways of bouncing back. There was one study I read some years ago about a young man, waking from a coma, after a serious head injury. He was suddenly able to to speak another language."
"REALLY!" I said. "So I'm not alone! Wait! When was this?" I asked, thinking this person might be one of the others.
"Some years ago," said Dr. Cole slowly. He brushed off my question and seemed more interested in what I had said, "What do you mean you're not alone?"
Oh boy, I'd slipped up."Well," I said scrambling to think, "Others having...having abilities, after a head injury. Like it didn't just happen to me. It's proof it happens."
"Did you injure your head?" He asked. "You said you went into the water but you didn't mention injuring your head."
"Well, I think I did I mean I was in a coma but I'm not sure, I mean I remember hitting the water and going under, I think I hit something, at some point because there was blood in the water."
"Hmm." he said tapping his pen on his notebook. He rubbed his jaw for a moment then looked over his notes and asked, "Did anything happen while you were in your comma? Did you have any dreams?"
"Yeah," I said slowly. He no doubt knew all about it. I felt like he was playing some sort of game with me. Technically I guess we were, he said we were pretending this was my first session yet he wasn't playing by the rules. I was pretty sure he HAD to have read my journal and Dr. Phillipston's notes, if he knew about my dream. I really felt like he was setting a trap for me but I wasn't falling for it. "I had a dream but I know now, it didn't mean anything."
"Yes but at the time you seem to think it was real." he said.
I pursed my lips for a moment, "Yeah but I thought we were pretending this was my first counseling session ever. Like it's just suppose to be you and me, here and now, not any other information right?"
He paused for a long moment then responded, "Not necessarily. We are pretending this is your first session ever but as your psychiatrist, I would have access to your medical information. And I would review it before our first session so I could see how to better assist you."
"Well, if you have my medical information, you know what it says so why ask me?" I asked crossing my arms.
"Because I want to hear what you have to say about it."
"Why?" I didn't get it. If he'd already made up his mind why play this game with me?
"Because I think it's only fair." he said. "The doctors that treated your comma had their say, as well as your parents and Dr. Phillipston but have you had yours? The reason for this little exercise is to give you a chance to tell me your side of things, in your own words. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, Hannah. While I know about your past from records, I can always correct those records, if they turn out to be inconsistent."
"Really." I said. Was he saying he would believe me over everyone else. No surely not I had to be misunderstanding him.
"Now, at the time of your accident you had a dream?"
"Yes." I said before licking my lips.
"Did you think it was a dream at the time or something more?"
I bit my lip, he was giving me a chance here. I suppose I could give him one. I admitted, "At the time it had felt real." I really hoped this wasn't a mistake.
"I see." he said he flipped through some pages in his notebook. "And what about this stone?
"Stone?" I asked perking up.
"Yes what significance does it hold?"
"I'm sorry I don't understand? What stone are you talking about."
"Your mothers said you had a stone with you, you didn't want to take it off at first, after you did, you kept asking for it back until they sedated you?"
"I did?" I said confused I didn't remember that part. I clutched my chest pausing for a moment, "I guess, I don't remember everything that happened after all."
"Hmm," he said then jotted down some more notes. The grandfather clock chimed and he grimaced as if he were annoyed. He turned his head towards it then let out a little sigh before turning back to me "I'm sorry Hannah but we'll have to leave things here for now. Our time is almost up and there are a few other things we need to discuss."
"Okay," I said, hoping we'd be discussing my release.
Dr. Cole, closed his notebook and folded his hands in his lap. "Now that I've taken over Meadow Brooke Asylum, things will run on a new system. From now on, there will be levels of wellness."
"Levels of wellness?" I repeated, confused.
"Yes, I believe each patient here has a unique set of difficulties. Rather then lumping everyone together, I've decided to separate patients into select groups. Based on their needs, safety, levels of trust and overall cooperation with their treatment plan. Each level of wellness will afford or deny access, to different areas of the asylum."
"Different areas of the asylum." I repeated. "I've been here for years and have only seen, maybe five or six rooms."
"Yes." he said, "Dr Phillipston, greatly under utilized this facility but I mean to rectify that in time. Now let us discuss your level of wellness, Hannah. After spending some time with you and reports from other staff members, I think you are well behaved, save for the little incident when I first arrived, you seem safe and willing to cooperate with your treatment."
"Oh yes, I've very willing," I said eagerly. "I want to get better so that I can go home."
"Yes, it is good to have goals." said Dr. Cole. "But as I was saying, you've been well behaved during this trying time and should thus be afforded more trust." He stood up and returned to his desk. He put his notebook and pen down before opening a draw. He pulled out a blue hospital band and brought it over to me.
He offered his hand and I took it. I couldn't help but noticed how cold his skin was as he put the band around my wrist. "Blue is the highest level of wellness, congratulations, you're off to a good start. Please keep this on at all times so that the orderlies and nurses, will know your level of wellness. We're still in the process of updating things but eventually various areas of the asylum, will have colors painted on the doorways. You will be allowed to go anywhere that has been painted blue inside the doorway."
"Oh, wow." I said. "Will I get to wander around the asylum on my own?" Maybe I could find a way to break out.
"No." he said in a flat tone. He finished putting on my band and then sat back down in the chair. "In between approved areas, you must always be accompanied by a nurse or orderly. Eventually I'd like to have a map that shows you where you can go or a set of rooms that are connected but that is further down the line."
"Oh okay." I said, "What areas will there be?"
"Well, so far we've opened up a secondary common room, for blue and green bands. It will eventually allow access to the outside, once the grounds have been cleaned and secured."
"Oh wow," I said, realizing I hadn't been outside in years. "I haven't been outside in years."
"Yes, some patients haven't been out in decades."
"Really?" I said. I was surprised and then saddened decades was a very long time. I hoped I would not be here in decades.
"Yes, but I'm hoping to change that, studies show exercise, fresh air and sunlight are very beneficial. Speaking of change, we've also moved your room."
"My room?"
"Yes, after our session, you'll be taken to your new room. You should find some things on your desk, specifically a personal schedule and a journal. I'd like you to write in the journal everyday, be sure to tell me how you're feeling and remark on three things you did or saw that day."
I hadn't kept a journal since my last one was used against me. I had no doubt this one would be used as well. Still I wondered "Does that mean I get, writing utensils like colored wax?"
"You are a blue so you can use writing utensils. I'd prefer you to use a pen rather then wax when it comes to keeping a journal. Wax is more for art. Oh and you'll also be allowed utensils when eating. However if you misuse them or try to take any out of the cafeteria the privilege will be revoked"
"OH WOW!" I said excitedly. This was a big deal." I wasn't too thrilled about keeping a journal again but I liked the other stuff. Speaking of stuff. "Uh, my things were taken, can I have them back?"
He took a moment to answer but eventually said "In time. Everyone had their items taken so they can be properly assessed. We're a bit backed up at the moment. Was there any specific item you needed returned?"
"No, I mean it would be nice to have it all back. I was just curious."
"Yes, well if your items are deemed safe, I'm sure you'll eventually get them back."
"Oh, okay." I said.
I worried more now then ever that someone was going to find my secret drawings. Maybe… since they had so many things to look through they might miss them but I doubted it. They were probably going through everything with a fine tooth comb, surely they were going to run across them eventually. I bit my lip thinking I was definitely going to have to use lie my lie about them being random doodles. I furrowed my brow wondering if Dr. Cole would believe me or if he'd know I was lying. Perhaps if I pretended they meant nothing to me, he wouldn't give them a second thought. I nodded to myself.
"Since we touched on your dreams in today's session, please feel free to add any dreams you might have to your journal, along with any questions you might have."
"Okay," I said.
"Do you have questions now?" he asked.
"Yeah a few dozen," I said.
He let out a soft chuckle before glancing at the grandfather clock. He stood and returned to sit behind his desk. He neatly organized his things and then said, "How about we start with just three."
I decided to get straight to the point. "When do you think, I could get out of here?" I asked.
"Well that depends," he said rubbing his jaw. "Right now, I'm just settling in and getting everyone sorted out. Once I'm able to properly assess your needs, I should be able to give you a proper answer."
"How long will that take?" I eagerly asked. "To assess my needs."
"It shouldn't take more than week or so" he said. "Now that was two. What is your last question?"
I paused, trying to think, what else did I really want to know, right now. I perked up recalling the other night. "What's going on with Dr. Phillipston and Miss Mara. I saw them in the hall the other night and they didn't seem happy."
"Yes," said Dr. Cole, a smile spread across his lips. "Well as you know Dr. Phillipston retired. It turned out he needed some extra help "moving." As for Miss Mara, she simply decided to retire as well."
"Really." I said. I felt like there was more to it but he was being purposely vague. "But who will run art therapy?"
Dr. Cole, stiffened for a moment "Art therapy, has been canceled, permanently!"
"Oh," I said surprised. While I didn't get to paint what I liked, I'd still enjoyed doing something. It broke up the endlessness of this place but I suppose things were changing now.
"Yes and that was four questions, Hannah. I think you owe me a question."
"Oh," I said. I didn't realize I'd owe him if I asked over my limit.
"Yes, now, I've read your treatment notes." he said glancing down at his desk. "How have your medication withdraws been treating you?"
"Ohhh," I said, right the pills, I wasn't getting them anymore. I had gone through withdraw ages ago and didn't recall what it had felt like.
"Do you feel okay?"
"Yeah," I said slowly. "I mean things were rough at first but I'm starting to feel better."
"I see," He paused for a moment as if he was waiting for me to say more then nodded, "Alright then, good."
I was a little worried there for a second but things seemed to be okay. He pushed a button on his desk and it made a buzzing sound. The door opened and the big orderly came into the room. I swallowed hard suddenly feeling a bit nervous. The room had seemed so big when I'd first entered and now with him here, it suddenly seemed smaller.
"Hannah, you know Hogan, I'm not sure if you've been properly introduced. Hogan is now in charge of the orderlies and overall security at Meadow Brooke Asylum. Please allow him to show you to your new room."
"Okay," I said. "It was nice talking with you."
"And you." said Dr. Cole.
I thought our first session had gone quite well. At least it had ended way better then Dr. Phillipston's and my first session. He had pretty much interrogated me until I broke down then locked me up and electrocuted me. Dr. Cole was way better, so far he wanted to hear my side of things and had even told me how long my assessment would take. I hoped I'd pass and he'd give me an actual release date but I tried not to get too far ahead of myself.
I tried to focus on right now and wondered where my new room would be and if it would be any different from my old one. I started getting exited as Hogan and I left Dr. Cole's office, we walked down the hall, took some short half stairs then turned left. As we passed the first door, Hogan stopped walking. I realized this was it, my new room was only a few doors and half a floor, down from Dr. Cole's office that was close.
Hogan took out a set of keys and unlocked the door. I noticed my new door was made of wood instead of metal. The window on the door was also larger. It reminded me more of an office door then a room door. When I got inside, there was a proper sized single bed. The ones we usually got were a hard box with a thin mattress on it but this bed actually had two mattresses and a pink bed spread, with sheets and a fluffy looking pillow.
This room also had a desk with a chair that rolled! I ran my hands over the desk and noticed some things on it but only glanced at them. I was more interested in the window. I was to have a window! I rushed up to it excitedly, the window had bars on it but no mesh. I could see trees and other parts of the hospital from it. The window could also open! I watched Hogan lift it up some and prop a wooden block under it, to keep it open. Fresh air soon came rushing into the room and I swear I felt the wind caress my cheek. I held my face thinking it was such a lovely sensation. One you never really thought about until you hadn't felt it in years.
I spun about in place so glad to have a window that opened, sometimes rooms could get really hot or smelly. This room had definitely needed some fresh air. I could tell it had been freshly painted and there was this other lingering smell that reminded me of Mrs. Mara's perfume. I wondered for a moment if this might have been her office. Were they turning offices into rooms now and why?
Hogan gave the room a once over before he gave me a stern look and left the room. He locked the door behind him and I was left alone to explore. I looked all over practically jumping up and down. I ran my hands over the covers then bounced on the bed before I looked at all the walls. I found my rooms intercom and it looked a lot nicer then my last one.
I ran my fingers over it before I went back to my window for a bit then finally checked out the things on my desk. I found a hair brush. I quickly picked it up and ran my fingers over the bristles. They were the soft kind like a horse's tail. I didn't have much hair they only let me grow it out to my chin before cutting it but still it was so nice to brush it. I ran it through my hair a few times before I looked at some other things.
I saw a stack of loose papers and a whole set of colored wax in every color. They were all brand new. I danced my fingers across then then noticed the other writing instruments, three pens to go along with my new journal. It had my name on it and I also found a slip of paper tucked inside the first page that had my new schedule on it. It listed my washroom and meal times, along with the days I would shower and change clothes.
I saw that in the mornings I was suppose to have library time. This place had a library! I couldn't believe it! Why had Dr. Phillipston been hiding all this amazing stuff. I saw afternoons were common room time, then evening was reflection, working in my journal. I saw another item and realized it was a small wooden clock. It was...eleven o'clock! IT WAS ELEVEN O'CLOCK!
My eyes lit up, for the first time in years I knew what time it was, "Eleven o'clock," I said lifting I up. I spun around the room with it before setting it down in the middle of my desk against the wall. I checked all the draws in my desk then hoping I got my others things back but as far as I could tell, everything here was new. While this was a pretty great setup, I reminded myself it was temporary. I wasn't staying here for much long. I nodded to myself making sure not to lose sight of my goal. I missed all the pictures of my love and our friends, my family. I did a few new sketches in my room and then looked for some places to hide them away.
When it was time for lunch, I was taken to the washroom and then the cafeteria. After I finished I was taken to the new common room, with so much going on I'd forgot. The room was large with a turquoise tiled floor I hadn't seen before. The walls were freshly painted and there were tables and chairs with games and puzzles. I got excited for a moment thinking they were new but quickly found they were just the old ones. It made me wondered what the old common room had now and if it was even still open.
I continued looking around the room and saw we had access to the radio. In the last common room they kept it up high in a bird cage. I wanted to play with it but another patient was already turning the dials. I moved on taking notice of the large windows, they didn't have bars on them for once and each window had a nice bench in front of it. I saw two large doors that were chained shut and wondered if that was how we'd eventually access the outside.
Oh, I almost couldn't wait to step outside and found I wasn't the only one. I saw several other patients step up to the windows and longingly look outside. One patient even put his hands on the glass.
The woman playing with the radio, Patti I think, found some music and started dancing to it. A few other patients also joined in, dancing as well. I considered dancing myself but eventually went to one of the benches by the windows. I put my knees on it and peer outside. I could see an overgrown garden and part of the courtyard, several men were working on cleaning it up. Again I was so excited, I'd been so worried about changes but all these changes were so nice.
After a while I picked up one of the jigsaw puzzles and started putting it together. I didn't think it had all the pieces but it was something to do. A few patients started played cards and I listened to them argue over the rules. When it was time for dinner, we were called out one at a time. When I got to the cafeteria I noticed there were more people there and they were all wearing blue hospital bands. We were allowed to get in line on our own, get our trays and go to our seats. For the first tine in years I got a fork and spoon and I noticed there weren't a ton of orderlies around as well. I guess they really did trust us to behave.
After I cleared my plate, I was taken back to my room and wrote in my journal. I talked about the changes and how I was really looking forward to going outside. That night Dr. Cole made another nightly announcement and I wondered if this was going to be a regular thing.
"Those of you that are well behaved and follow the rules, have been rewarded today, with blue hospital bands. Blue is the best you can be at Meadow Brooke Asylum. Tomorrow I will be handing out green bands, green is acceptable but notes there is still work to be done. Yellow, will be passed out the day after green's and should be taken as a warning of things to come, if your behavior does not improve. Those that receive red in a few days from now, will be resigned to their rooms and if any of you receive white...you'll be moved to the basement."
Basement! This place had a basement? When Dr. Cole had started mentioning what each color meant, I'd jotted it down in my journal. As I added the last color, I wrote white, basement and underlined it twice. I didn't even know this place had a basement but from Dr. Cole's' tone, it didn't sound like the place you wanted to be.
There was a momentary pause in Dr. Cole's announcement, which seemed to add an air of tension in my opinion before he continued. "Do your best to get blue's everyone and have a good night."
I thought that was the end of his announcement, things got quiet once more and I looked over what the different colors meant. I expected to hear some shouts of protests from the other patients but everything was just so quiet. I wondered if all the blues were now in the same wing or if my new room just had thicker walls but I doubted it. My last walls had been made of cement these new ones seemed to be just wood.
A second later Dr. Cole came back on, "This following announcement, is for blue rooms only as a treat for you, some nightly music."
I heard some crackling before light classical music began to play. It was like having a radio in my room. After a few seconds, I couldn't resist and stood up. I began to sway and dance about until lights out. It happened so suddenly I froze finding myself completely in the dark for once.
My old room never got completely dark because of the red light bulb that came on at night. I swear sometimes it almost drove me mad. This new room had no extra lights save for some moonlight pouring through my window. I could barely see my hand and it took me a second or two to navigate to my bed. I was sure the music would cut out but it didn't, it kept playing. I crawled under my fresh new sheets and laid my head down on the fluffiest pillow I'd ever had and allowed the music to lull me to sleep.
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