PerversionsPower

Perversion's Power

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I dipped my paintbrush into the bright red paint and ran it across my canvas. I cleaned the brush off then added some bright orange followed by a bright yellow. I took a break from my rainbow to work on the sky next. I put some more bright blue on then added white puffy clouds. I stepped back after a few minutes and looked it over. I suppose it was happy enough but I wasn't sure if it was too.. over the top.

"What is this?" asked Mrs. Mara, stepping up to me.

I paused my painting and moved aside so she could see. Mrs. Mara was an older nurse who doubled as our art therapist. Art therapy was a rather new concept. The paintings were suppose to be a reflection of a patient's mindset. The more use of bright colors and happy art, meant the healthier they were, where as dark or dismal paintings meant they were mentally unwell.

Mrs. Mara adjusted her tiny spectacles and took a moment to admire my painting, "Lovely, oh yes, very lovely. I like the use of color and those little clouds."

"Thank you." I said giving her one of my best fake smiles.

"Yes, yes," she went on, "Now this is what we like to see, happy healthy thoughts. You've been doing very good, very good indeed, Hannah."

I continued to just stand there and smile until she moved on to the next patient. I watched her examine their painting and heard her say the exact same thing she'd just told me. I let out a heavy sigh and slightly turned. I paused noticing someone was standing on the other side of the glass.

The art room had one wall with observation windows. The glass was encased in a metal mesh so it couldn't be broken and allowed people in the hall to look into the room and observe. Of course, everything here allowed for observation. We were all constantly being monitored and assessed for any "unusual behavior." Which was no pressure right! I'd like to see how "casual" they acted under constant scrutiny.

I tried to pretend I hadn't noticed, Dr. Cole standing there and went back to my painting. He was the newest additions to the asylum's staff. He'd been here for a bit now, a few months maybe longer, I couldn't be certain. I kept a small tally in my room of days gone by, with some stolen colored wax but it kept getting washed away.

Dr. Cole's arrival had been something of an event as nothing really happens or changes around her. It is also quite rare to get a new doctor especially one at his age. He wasn't young but also wasn't older then dirt. Given how remote this place was it was surprising. Most asylum's were out of sight, on the edge of towns well beyond city limits but Meadow Brooke was a whole world away, deep in the country side up near the mountains. Another patient once said the nearest town had to be two hours away.

Given all that they mostly got older doctors who lived nearby in their country homes or in the asylum itself. Most younger doctors still had lives and ambitions and chose to live in the city or close to one. I couldn't help but wondered why he or anyone for that matter would want to work in asylum, let alone live here, in near isolation.

Dr. Cole was still a bit of mystery to me, other then my standard investigation, I hadn't really been able to size him up as I had the other doctors. Given I hadn't had much contact with him and mostly only saw him in passing since the first day we met, it was understandable.

Oddly enough it was during art therapy that I first met him. I'd been working on another "bright and happy" bullshit painting, something to do with clouds, I think. I remember painting the blue sky and then trying to make an aerial view. I'd closed my eyes and tried to recalled how it felt to fly high above the clouds or just float. Oh how I longed to float in the sky again one day.

So far my powers had still yet to appear in this life. If they had I would have been out of here a lot sooner. I couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't use them. Perhaps it was this body or world I lived in, I knew that could be a factor. Sometimes I wouldn't get my powers at all but usually it was because I didn't have my memories. I had a lot of memories now but still no powers. It was rather frustrating.

Eventually I opened my eyes and saw I'd made my cloud a little bigger then I'd intended. It didn't matter of course, nothing really mattered as long as I was trapped in this fucking cage. I just had to make it look bright and happy, everything my life was not. I dipped my paintbrush in more white when I'd suddenly heard Dr. Phillipston talking to someone out in the hall. I perked up honing in on his voice.

"As I've said I think you'll fit right in. I've made things very inclusive. I'll have to admit I am going to miss this place when I go. I've made a lot of progress over the years and built Meadow Brooke into a fine institution, some might say it's been my life's work. Very few people know just how important this work is. I trust you'll do your best to maintain all I have done."

"Of course, I realize what an honor this is. I can only hope to be half as successful as yourself." said another man. I didn't recognize his voice. He must have been new.

"Ah to be so young and full of promise. Come, come let me show you our newest addition, art therapy room." said Dr. Phillipston. I heard footsteps as the men stepped into the room. "I know art therapy is a rather new concept but I find it's like having a window into the mind. From what the patients create, you can clearly see just how damaged their minds are."

I turned slightly until I could just see them, they were nearing a clay structure Bob was working on. Bob had been here since before I came. I didn't know too much about him only that he didn't like to be touched and liked to be left alone. He was also allowed to sculpt clay while most of us had to paint pictures. Given he'd made such a mess of the paints, Mrs. Mara found clay much easier to clean up. Right now he was making a giant hand with several hands coming out of it.

"Why look at this, for instance. Robert here, has a disturbing fixation with hands and it clearly shows." Bob didn't say anything, he just continued to work as Dr. Phillipston went on. "You can see, from his failure to create a regular hand that his view of this world is quite skewed."

I didn't agree with Dr. Phillipston's assessment, art was an expression not a diagnostic. If Bob wanted to make a hand with other hands on it so be it. He should be able to do what he wanted without someone dissecting his reasoning for it. I once made a dragon out of clay because I thought it would be cool but Dr. Phillipston just pointed out how unpractical I was. That it proved I lived in a world of fantasy and thus could only create fantasy creatures. I could have molded a fucking apple but that was boring and I'm sure he would have said some bullshit about it as well. 'Your fixation on an apple means you wish to be healthy but are unable to attain such heights as an apple in a tree, is just out of your reach' or some bullshit like that.

I watched them move on to Crimson like me, she was painting. The two men stepped up behind her as she moved her paint brush around wildly, "Ah yes," said Dr. Phillipston putting his hands on Crimson's shoulders, from behind. "Another good example right here. Crimson here, has an unhealthy fixation with fire and as you can clearly see from her painting-"

"Fuck off!" hissed Crimson. She brushed Dr. Phillipston's hands off her shoulders and turned to the men. She practically spat on them. "And stop crowding me, pervs!"

I froze as Mrs. Mara rushed over to her, "THAT IS ONE MISSY! You get one warning and then you are out of here!"

"Oh, gee whiz, whatever will I do if I get kicked out of art therapy. My life will truly be over!" she exaggerated her facial expressions and put the back of her hand to her forehead.

I struggled not to laugh as Dr. Phillipston snapped at her "You will drop that attitude right now, young lady, unless you wish to have some."quiet time."

Crimson fell silent at that. She'd only been here for a little while but had already spent half her time in "quiet time." I too had my fair share of quiet time especially when I first got here. They'd put you in a straight jacket and then lock you up in a tiny padded room. I never knew which was worse, to have the light on or off, either way it could feel like an eternity. Sometimes they'd only leave you in "quiet time" for a few hours but there had been rumors about people being forgotten for days.

Dr. Phillipston beamed with pride at Crimson's surrender. Mrs. Mara went back to her rounds and Dr. Phillipston continued once more "As you see, we don't take disobedience lightly here. Now as I was saying. Crimson here has an unhealthy fascination with fire and you can clearly see it reflected here in her painting of flames. It reflects how she wants to set everything on fire."

"No," said Crimson, "If you'd look, you'd see butterflies are rising up from the flames. I wish to rise from the ashes of this dump."

I never saw Dr. Phillipston's jaw drop so fast. I had to bite my lip not to burst out laughing. He took such pride in this place and here he was, showing off and showing someone new around, only to have her defy him so. It took a minute but Dr. Phillipston managed to collect his jaw, then shook his head, "My apologies this one is still quite new and clearly delusional. It would seem I need to increase her "treatments." I'm sure that is something she can think about during quiet time."

He snapped his fingers and Mrs. Mara rushed back over as if she'd been summoned. He pointed to Crimsons's painting and she quickly snatched it up. I wanted to get a look at it but it wasn't turned towards me and I didn't dare draw Dr. Phillipston's ire. I simply pretended to keep painting.

"HEY!' shouted Crimson, "I WASN'T FINISHED!"

"You are now." said Mrs. Mara taking her arm. She pulled Crimson to the hallway, where an orderly quickly came and took her away, to "quiet time" no doubt. I could hear Crimson cursing down the hall as Mrs. Mara rushed back to Dr. Phillipston and his guest, "Oh I am so sorry, things aren't normally like this. Patients are usually very well behaved under my watch. I always keep a close eye on them."

"It's quiet alright." said the new guy.

"Don't you worry yourself Mrs. Mara you do a fine job, a fine job indeed. Crimson is a special case but we'll get her in line, soon enough," said Dr. Phillipston."It's sad but sometimes we have to teach the patients matters on top of everything else. Young ones these days have no respect."

I swear respect was on of his favorite words to use. I watched Mrs. Mara shuffle about and move Crimson's painting to the scrap pile. Any painting that wasn't allowed would be painted over so someone else could paint on it. I managed to catch a small glimpse and she had real talent. It was far better then anything I'd ever painted. Sometimes I wished I could get to know her better but I couldn't afford to get in trouble right now, not when I was so close to getting out of here.

Crimson was still in her rebellious phase. She still thought she could fight the system and get free, but the truth was this place was a prison, not just for the body but the mind as well. If you didn't comply they'd just slowly break you down. The only way out was to play by their rules and comply until they released you.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dr. Phillipston and his guest, were coming my way. I continued to paint, pretending I hadn't been observing them.

"Now here is one of our success stories. This here is Hannah Greene, she came to us some years ago after a car accident, left her brain damaged and delusional. She had a nasty tendency of lying and making up elaborate little fantasies but we've put that overactive imagination of hers to use, here look at that nice bright colors and peaceful clouds. A healthy painting reflects a healthy mind."

"Yes," I said turned to him. "I feel very healthy, thanks to you."

"I can't take all the credit," he said but I noticed him beam with pride. "You've been doing a lot of hard work."

I forced myself to smile at him and then turned to his guest, taking him in. I saw now that he was another doctor. He had on a white lab coat like Dr. Phillipston. I could tell he was much younger then my doctor yet older then me. How old exactly I couldn't quite tell. He had on thick black circular sun glasses which I thought was strange. I couldn't see his eyes but made out his long nose, a defined jaw line and thin lips. His face was cleanly shaven and he was wearing a suit under his lab coat.

His blue neck tie caught my attention. It was such a shade of blue, the likes I'd never seen before-NO! I had seen this shade! For a moment I was reminded of blue roses and recalled a maze garden full of them, from my nightmares. I'd run twisting and turning through tall hedges, trying to make my way through before the Shadow Man caught me. Yet no matter how fast I ran or how well I knew the maze, I knew there was no escaping him because he'd built the maze. Yes it was a cage! To keep me in and torment me. Without thinking, I stepped up to the new doctor's tie and dabbed it with my wet paint brush, wanting to blot it and the memory...the feeling, out.

The new doctor didn't move. He just stood there and let me paint his tie. Dr. Phillipston put his hand on my shoulder and shook me as he shouted. "HANNAH!" I pulled from my stupor and gasped realizing what I'd just done. I looked to Dr. Phillipston as he scolded me. "Now why would you go and do that!"

"I- I'm sorry," I sputtered, "It- it was a mistake!" I really hadn't meant to do that just now I just did it, without thinking.

"What have I said about lying." said Dr. Phillipston.

"I'm so sorry, really!" I said. "Honestly I didn't mean to!" I really didn't know what had come over me. I'd just saw the color and it made my mind flashback to the garden from my nightmares, to the memories and inescapable feelings.

Mrs. Mara quickly rushed over with a glass of water. "Here! Here is some water, it might help."

The new doctor finally moved. He loosened his tie some, then pulled a clean handkerchief out of his pocket. I saw that it was initialed as he dabbed it in Mrs. Mara's glass of water and then used it to wipe the paint from the tie.

"Oh I hope it doesn't stain." said Mrs. Mara, "It's such a lovely tie."

"It's alright, I have others," said the new doctor. His voice was steady and calm, unlike Dr. Phillipston and Mrs. Mara, he didn't seem bothered.

"Yes, even so you can't let the patients walk all over you." said Dr. Phillipston. "Apologize to Dr. Cole, Hannah."

I'd already apologized twice but quickly lowed my head to the new doctor and did it again, "I'm so very, very sorry, sir."

"As I said, it's quite alright." said Dr. Cole. He cleared his throat and finished cleaning off his tie. "Hannah is it?"

"Yes." I said looking up at him. I realized he was quite tall or I was just short. "Hannah Greene, sir"

The new doctor opened his mouth like he was going to say something but before he could, Dr. Phillipston, turned me to face him. He still had his hand on my shoulder and gave me a disappointed look,"Yes, well we shall have to discuss this at our next session, Hannah."

"Yes sir, sorry sir." I said hoping this hadn't set me too far back but at this point I was lucky he hadn't sent me to "quiet time" with Crimson.

"Now then," said Dr. Phillipston. He took his hand off my shoulder and rubbed his hands together, "Shall we continue our tour, Dr. Cole. There is still much we have to cover and discuss before we get you settled in."

"Of course," said the Dr. Cole, nodding. He readjusted his tie then said, "Thank you for the water, Mrs. Mara."

"Oh it was nothing," said Mrs. Mara blushing slightly.

Dr. Phillipston began to walk away and Dr. Cole followed after him, putting his arms behind his back. Once they had left the room, Mrs. Mara clucked her tongue and shook her head at me."That wasn't very nice of you, Hannah. You ought to watch your step and be nicer to the new director. First impressions matter and you don't want to get off on the wrong foot"
"New director?" I questioned.

"Yes," said Mrs. Mara, "Dr. Phillipston is retiring soon and Dr. Cole will be the new director of the asylum." She let out a heavy sigh then continued, "I don't know how we'll ever do without him."

This was the first I'd heard of it. I had no idea Dr. Phillipston was retiring. Hopefully he wouldn't be stepping down until after my release. I wanted to ask her just when this was happening but she rushed off to take care of Micheal. He was a forty something year old man, who hadn't talked in decades and had a knack for eating things he shouldn't. Sometimes I wondered how he was still alive at this point. Mrs. Mara rushed over to him practically screaming as he picked up some paint. He wasn't allowed to touch the paint that came in the tubes. It was suppose to be toxic.

"Don't you eat that paint Micheal! Do you want them to pump your stomach again! DON'T YOU DARE MICHEAL! I've warned you! If you put one more thing in your mouth you're done with art therapy, for good! I mean it!"

He ignored her popping the cap of the paint with his teeth. He swallowed it and she blew her whistle. An orderly that was out in the hall came rushing in. Mrs. Mara pointed to Micheal and the orderly tackled him to the ground. There was a struggle and Micheal squeezed all the paint out of the tube. It got all over both men and on the floor but the orderly managed to get him under control.

As the orderly dragged Micheal into the hall, I turned and saw Dr. Cole looking into the room just as he was today. I tilted my head at him wondering why he was still there. I soon heard Dr. Phillipston calling to him, "Sorry about that, it was just my wife calling to see if I'd be late to super. She makes a home-cooked meal for me every night."

"How fortunate." said Dr. Cole still looking into the room.

"Yes, yes I'm quite the lucky man,"said Dr. Phillipston.

He beckoned Dr. Cole and I watched Dr. Cole tilt his head in my direction one more time before he stepped out of sight. A sudden chill ran up my spine and stayed with me well into the night. Of course, I was immediately suspicious of Dr. Cole... but to be fair, I was of most new people. Given that my love was somewhere out there in the world, I also knew the Shadow Man must be as well. I always had to be on the look out for him. I hoped he wouldn't find me or that I would at least find my love first. Perhaps we might be able to have some semblance of peace before his inevitable return or find some way to stop him.

Over the next few weeks I low key investigated Dr. Cole as much as I could. It was kind of hard given he was in a different area of the asylum then me. I mostly only saw him in the halls or cafeteria, eating with the other staff members. From my various observations he seemed to be getting along with everyone well enough. However he also seemed reserved and a bit of a push over.

I remember the Shadow Man having some amount of charisma. In my coma dream he'd been weird but also able to navigate most situation until his crazy was full blown. Dr. Cole didn't seem to talk much, he mostly listened and let others step in front of him in lines or drop loads of files on him while he was trying to eat. The way he also followed Dr. Phillipston around and doted on him was sickening.

I didn't think Dr. Cole could be the Shadow Man because he never served anyone but himself and even though I despised the Shadow Man, I also knew he'd never follow around a louse like Dr. Phillipston...even he had standards. The Shadow Man was also suppose to be somewhat intelligent. I suppose being a doctor you had to be smart but given Dr. Phillipston, I couldn't be certain. The Shadow Man was also often rich and powerful, possibly because he was charismatic and smarts.

However Dr. Cole didn't appear to be rich. He wore suits like the other doctors but was said to live in staff housing. Usually only nurses, orderlies or the older doctors who had medical issues, lived in staff housing. If he was rich why live in staff housing? I suppose not every life was the same perhaps he could be different in some.

However one thing I was certain of, over everything else, were his eyes. The Shadow Man always, ALWAYS had ice blue eyes. They were unlike any I'd ever seen before and it was like his signature or something. It took a bit but I found out Dr. Cole had brown eyes, under his dark sunglasses.

I verified it several times though various sources. Mostly I listened to the nurses and patients talk about him. Apparently he wore the dark sunglasses because he had an eye defect, degeneration or something, either way I heard his eyes weren't so good. I overheard one nurse say he wanted to be a surgeon before coming to Meadow Brooke but due to his eyes sight, he had to go into psychiatry. I suppose, thinking about it now, I guess it could explain why he was here of all places. Though he was rather young he had something wrong with him and a lot of places didn't want to hire people with defects.

At least growing up I'd seen plenty of people discriminated against. My own father had wanted to hire some extra hands for harvesting one season and a man with only one arm had tried to get hired on. The other men mocked him and laughed at him. He said he was fully capable of doing the work but my father wouldn't hire him saying he needed more hands not less. The man ended up having to move on. Then again, I did come from a small town perhaps it was different in the bigger cities or maybe they were more accepting or not, I didn't know. In the end I closed out my investigation and was relieved to know Dr. Cole wasn't the Shadow Man.

I pulled from my thoughts and tried to focus on my current painting. I was suppose to add another color of the rainbow but something came over me. I began to feverishly paint, turning my blue sky darker, I did away with the rainbow, and turned the white clouds into dark stormy ones. I painted a dark silhouette of an ominous castle with a green maze gardens below. I was adding little dots for the blue roses, when Mrs. Mara suddenly stepped up beside me.

I'd completely spaced out and lost track of time. I realized she must have already done her turn around the room. She lifted up her little spectacles and examined the alterations I'd made to my painting. At once she began clucked her tongue in disapproval. She shook her head as she said, "Oh what is this, Hannah! What have you done to your lovely painting. I thought you were painting a rainbow but you've gone and ruined it. And here I was going to hang it out in the hallway."

She let out a heavy sigh, then took my canvas away without another word. I did my best to hide my disappointment. I wasn't finished with the painting and I hadn't gotten a good look at it. I really wanted to keep it but I knew the rules... only happy paintings. As always I had no control over anything here. I watched her put it in the rejection pile with Crimson's latest fire painting. Today she'd been making a volcano that was erupting flaming birds. It had looked good but I knew both paintings would soon be painted over. What a shame.

I glanced back to see Dr. Cole was gone. He must have moved on. I turned back to my empty easel then looked around the room. For a moment Crimson and I made eye contract. She was on the other side of the room and halfheartedly smirked at me. I shrugged my shoulders as Mrs. Mara brought over a new blank canvas. After she set it up, she stepped back and said "Do it proper now."

She gave me a stern look then turned on heels and moved on to her next victim. I really didn't feel like painting rainbows anymore but knew I had no choice. I had to do what they wanted or I'd never get out of here. I lightly sketched out the sky and the position of the rainbow before I set up the paints once more. I began to recreate the "happy" painting as before until it was eventually time to clean up.

Mrs. Mara blew her whistle and I put my things away, washed up and waited in line to be taken to the cafeteria for dinner. I couldn't wait to get back to my room so I could draw the castle painting I'd just made but would have to wait. Writing utensils, weren't allowed in common areas as it wasn't "safe." We weren't even allowed to use utensils and had to eat our food with our hands. Of course, every now and then I'd snuggled a piece of colored wax back to my room and hide it. While they might be able to find some of them they had yet to find all of them. Honestly, the orderlies didn't often care and just overlooked it, having bigger things to worry about.

When everything was to Mrs. Mara's liking, she blew her whistle again to get our attention, then lead us down several halls with the help of some orderlies. When we got to the cafeteria, we had to grab an empty tray and wait in line until it was our turn to be served. Tonight's dinner was cold mac and cheese with cold green beans and a stale roll. Sometimes it could take a while to get served, each patient had to be checked off on a list and some patients had to take pills with their food. The line wouldn't move on until each person had taken their medication.

Once I got my food I found a nice quiet table and sat by myself. For several minutes I picked at my food not really feeling hungry. I noticed Dr. Phillipston end the cafeteria with Dr. Cole in toe. They skipped the long line of patients and grabbed their trays, while talking. Once they had been served, they took a seat at the staff table and continued their chat. I watched them for a while but eventually stared down at my food and began eating.

My mind slowly wandered back to my earlier thoughts and I remembered how upset I'd been, learning Dr. Phillipston was retiring and I couldn't wait until out next session. When we finally sat down, I'd straight out asked when he was retiring and he'd just said someday but not any time soon. He was just starting to train a replacement and given what he did, it could take years. I didn't care how long it took as long as I got released before he checked out.

I hadn't been working my butt off all these years for nothing. I'd been here since I was fifteen and last date I managed to get, put me at nearly twenty. I tried not to think about it, given how depressing it was but I'd lost almost five years to this place and didn't want to lose a moment more. Especially when I could be out there finding my love and our friends... my real family.

I began tearing at my stale bread as I glared at the green beans, I didn't want to touch them but knew eventually I would have to. You had to eat at least half of your plate and a little bit of everything or you'd be written up. It was just yet another dumb rule among so many that I had to follow. Sometimes it was dizzying, keeping track of them all. I couldn't wait until I was free of all this. I kept telling myself I just needed to jump through a few more hoops.

I whispered to myself. "A few more hoops."

Why just this week, Dr. Phillipston had called my parents to tell them how well I was doing. After what they had done to me I wanted nothing to do with them. They wrote to me a little while after I'd been here but I'd just ripped up their letter and when they called, I refused to speak to them. I just felt so betrayed. I knew no matter what anyone said I wasn't crazy and even if...if I was somehow, to send me away to an asylum, wasn't right.

I knew what it was to be a mother and have children. I knew if what had happened to me had happened to my kids, I would have gone to the ends of the earth to try and help them. At no point had I hurt anyone or myself. I just believed in something they didn't! What was so wrong with that? Even if I didn't understand my kids I'd never send them away or put them in a place like this.

I grumbled to myself still so pissed off. As part of my "treatment" I had to talk to my parents on the phone and tell them how I was doing. I had to say I loved them and missed them. It was a struggle to sound like I meant it and that I wasn't hurt. I so badly wanted to yell at them the truth or just hang up on them. Talking to them always left me in a sour mood but this week...this week, Dr. Phillipston had told them we might be able to have a sit down soon and discuss my release. Finally, after all this time it was something.

I didn't look forward to them coming but at the same time I needed them to. Mostly I was worried about how I'd react if I'd be able to act "appropriately." It was one thing to lie to them on the phone and another to lie to their faces. Their faces...had probably changed they hadn't come to see me once in five years. I knew we were poor and they lived so far away but it just made the sting of their betrayal hurt all the more. It really did feel as if they had thrown me away...

I tried not to think about it or them and just focused on my release. I was one step closer now, it was just a matter of months maybe even weeks. I smiled to myself and finished enough of my food to show the cafeteria monitor. They decided I'd had enough to eat and I was allowed to dump my tray. From there I stood in line and waited for an orderly to walk me back to my room.

Once I was alone in my room, I quickly drew the castle and maze with some colored wax. I started at it for a moment then hid it in one of my reading books, with my others drawings. So far I'd been able to keep my drawings a secret. If I was ever discovered, I planned to lie about them and just say they were doodles. Even if they didn't believe me there was only so much they could get from a rough drawing.

I never wrote anything down anymore, not since Dr. Phillipston had tormented me with my secret journal. I could still recall how he'd gone through each and every page. He'd scrutinized and twisted everything I'd written and picked me apart until I'd broken down. I often wondered how he'd like it, if the tables were turned. I bet he'd love me going through his private journal and pointing out how sick and wrong he was at every turn. If anyone was a psycho here it was him. He loved to lock people up and push them to their limits. Then once they cracked, he electrocuted or doped them up for years on end.

I knew the Shadow Man had done something similar in a few lives. I had seen it in several of my dreams. At one point, I did wonder if Dr. Phillipston could be the Shadow Man. While he was old I suppose the Shadow Man could be any age. Of course, I did an investigation, while Dr. Phillipston had "similarities" thankfully they were few and far in between. He also had green eyes. I knew I despised the Shadow Man with every fiber of my being but if he had been Dr. Phillipston, I think I really would have lost my mind.

I laid down on my bed and thought of my love for a while. It was stormy outside and for some reason storms always made me think of my love. I think his powers had something to do with storms or lighting. Yes, I recalled several dreams where he'd been out in a storm. I wondered where he could be and just what he was doing right now? Had he eaten dinner yet? Was he free to move about? Did he even know about me? Was he looking for me right now?

When it was time for my usual appointment an orderly came to get me. Dr. Phillipston was sitting behind his large desk, having his evening cup of tea as he jotted down notes. I noticed his office looked cleaner. Usually he had a stack of files everywhere but one or two stacks seems to be missing, along with some books and awards.

When I sat down on his old worn our couch, he looked up from his notes and asked, "How are you doing this evening, Hannah?"

I usually responded much better but tonight I said, "Good."

"That's good, that's good." he nodded before taking a sip of his tea. He set the cup on his desk then jotted down a few more notes. He then cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair. We usually just ran through my day to day stuff, any difficulties I might be having and how I could improve. I saw him three nights a week so not much really went on. "Today's session is going to be a little different."

"Oh?" I said perking up.

"Yes, you asked me a bit ago when I would be retiring."

"Yeah," I said slowly, "You said someday but not anytime soon."

"Yes, very good memory, well someday it seems has come sooner then expected."

"What?" I said, confused. What did he mean it had come sooner then expected?!

“Well, I’ve been wanting to retire for some time now but only if I were to find the proper replacement. Someone that would be able to appreciate the foundation I’ve built at Meadow Brooke Asylum and keep the status quo. Dr. Cole, you’ve met him.”

"Yes," I said.

He continued "Well I think he will do nicely here. I've been training him for some time now and it's time we begin transitioning. I'll still be around for a few weeks or so, tidying up loose ends here or there and making sure things go smoothly but as of tomorrow, Dr. Cole will be the new Director of Meadow Brooke Asylum. The Mrs. and I are looking forward to doing some traveling and I might write that book I've been talking about and I have a few-"

He lost me at as of tomorrow, Dr. Cole will be the new Director of Meadow Brooke Asylum. He was retiring tonight! TONIGHT! I didn't care what this old wind bag planned to do when he retired. I needed to know what I was going to do! I interrupted him. "But you said I was to be released soon? Will you be signing off on my release before you go?"

He stopped talking and tapped his pen on his desk thinking. After a moment he leaned back in his chair. "I think you're headed in the right direction Hannah, but you've still got quite a ways to go,"

Quite a ways to go? QUITE A WAYS TO GO! SINCE WHEN! He made it sound like I'd be released soon! He called my parents to possibly have a sit down! How were "soon" and "quite a ways to go" even in the same hemisphere! I had been busting my ass for a years, trying to get out of here! I denied my gut, forced myself to repeat their lies and complied with almost all their demands! What more did he want from me!

"I think I've done a lot!" I burst out. "I can see how when I first came here I was unstable but I know, what's real and what's not and I think I'm ready-,"

"Yes well it doesn't matter what you think." He interrupted me this time. I could tell he did not agree with me. "You have done a lot Hannah, yes and I'm glad you have a positive attitude about things but there is still work to be done. Why just the other day you had that "incident" with Dr. Cole's tie."

He was still going on about that! "I, that thing with Dr. Cole, it really was an accident!"

"Come now Hannah, we both know that isn't true, I watched you purposely step up and paint his tie. It wasn't nice. Do you even know why you did it? Or was it just a compulsory act?"

"I-I..." I sputtered tying to remain calm but I really wanted to jump up and lash out at him. Instead I looked off to the side and tried to come up with other logical reasons I could give. "The color- The color of his tie was just so striking. I'd never seen a shade of blue like it and wanted to see how close my blue sky was to it. I thought...perhaps I could match the color but I slipped."

He looked at me skeptically but gave me the benefit of the doubt."Well, if that is the case that is not how one goes about it. Mrs. Mara also tells me you destroyed your painting today."

"I didn't destroy it I just got another idea!"

"Yes, well it's a clear sign of inconsistency."

"I just thought it would be better to have a more detailed background. I was still going to do the rainbow."

"Yes, well a nice background would have been a meadow or a pond, not some drab castle from one of your little fantasies."

Uhh! It gutted me when he said "one of your little fantasies." If only he knew how condensing that was! I remember when I first got here, how he twisted everything I said. He trivialized my thoughts on lives, saying I had an overactive imagination and that my "childhood fantasies" were just my way of coping with the trauma of my crash.

He refused to even consider the possibility that I could be right and that I wasn't crazy. Oh how I longed to disprove him one day and show him proof but knowing him he wouldn't accept it. Even if I found the others and we stood before him. He'd probably just write it off as mass delusion. He always had some clinical diagnoses for everything... then again I suppose that was his job.

I let out a heavy sigh as he began shuffling his paper work about. He slid it into a folder as there was a quiet knock at the door. He perked up and said "Oh, that will be him."

"What?" I said furrowing my brow.

"Dr. Cole."

"Why is he here now?"

"I know you've met but not properly. I'm personally introducing him to all the patients before I go, to help with the transition. After today he'll be in charge of your care. Now I want you on your best behavior, let us try to make a better second impression, shall we."

I didn't say anything, the way he spoke sounded like after today I wouldn't be his problem anymore or maybe I was just projecting. I found myself at an all time low as he got up and opened the door. I sat there bitterly sucking on my lower lip as Dr. Cole stepped into the room and Dr. Phillipston "properly" introduced us "Hannah Greene, this is Dr. Callum Cole, your new doctor and the new Director of the Meadow Brooke Asylum."

I sat there for a moment then reluctantly looked up at Dr. Cole. I took notice of how stiff he was. I didn't get up but he didn't seem to mind. He took a seat in a chair on the other side of the room. Once he was settled, he crossed his legs and adjusted his sunglasses, pushing them up higher on his face. Then he turned his head toward me and curtly said, "Hello Hannah. Do you remember me from earlier?"

My eyes were starting to water as I lowered my head. He must have meant the tie incident as it was our only interaction. It really wasn't the best start, given he was now in charge of my freedom. I still couldn't believe this was happening! I felt blindsided even though I knew...I knew there was a possiblity but Dr. Phillipston had said he wasn't retiring anytime soon, so much for someday. I furrowed my brow then sniffled and quietly said, "Yes, sorry about your tie."

"It's fine." he said his tone was flat. "Is everything alright?"

He must have noticed how upset I was...still I lied not wanting to get into it with him "Yes."

"Forgive Hannah." said Dr. Phillipston as he returned to his desk. "I've just informed her I'll be departing and she isn't taking it well."

It took everything not to snap. "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR OLD ASS LEAVING! THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS GETTING OUT OF HERE YOU DUMB FUCK! I'd already wasted FIVE years of my life locked up, when I could have been out in the world looking for the others. I FELT FUCKING CRUSHED! I felt like I'd had a carrot of hope dangled in front of my face for the last-

"Would you like to discuss what you are feeling right now, Hannah?" asked Dr. Cole, pulling me from my thoughts for a moment.

HA! He wanted to know what I was feeling right now. I looked at him then down at my hands, I clutched them tightly as I pursed my lips. I tried to appear normal. Perhaps if I didn't explode with emotions, he would think me sensible and I could gain some footing with him. "It just feels sudden." That sounded practical, logical... right?

Dr. Cole looked like he was about to say something but Dr. Phillipston interrupted. He let out an exasperated breath and said "Yes but I've mention retiring one day for quite some time now."

"One day, yes." I said quietly "But I suppose, I assumed it would be after my release."

"Release?" asked Dr Cole. He turning his head towards Dr Phillipston and seemed surprised.

"Yes, Hannah has been making great strides and I think in time, she might be able to acclimate into society once more."

"I see," said Dr. Cole. "I'll take that into consideration."

“Yes, yes, of course. I’ve left you all that you’ll need in my notes. I’m sure they’ll be very helpful in keeping you on tract, going forward. Of course, if you ever need guidance or any assistance I’ll be around some as you know and we can, of course, continue our correspondence through my new P.O. box. Did I give it to you?”

"Yes," said Dr. Cole. "Several times."

"Good, good." said Dr. Phillipston leaning back in his chair.

GOOD! I struggled not to scoff at this utter bullshit! My nose was running and I sniffled, trying to keep it under control. It took everything not to freak out right now. I was so close and had worked so hard! I had lied so much and denied my very being to please this asshole but it was all for nothing! I felt like I was back at square one with a new gatekeeper.

Dr. Cole wiped his mouth then suddenly stood and stepped up to me. I lifted my head surprised by his sudden approach, even Dr. Phillipston seemed surprised. Dr. Cole reached into his pocket and offered me his handkerchief. I took it and blew my nose. He stood there for a moment then went back to his chair on the other side of the room. Once he was seated he asked, "Do you have any questions for me, Hannah or anything you'd like me to know?"

I couldn't help but notice how delicate Dr. Cole's handkerchief was. The fabric was so soft and clean. Once more I noticed his initials on it. I ran my fingertips over the embroidery, CC. It was so strange to see a man with such a handkerchief. My father's had been made of a scratchy material that didn't tear easily. It was nearly worn out last time I'd seen it and was stained with various oils from our farm's machines. My mother's been made of linen and so had mine. She had given me one when I eleven and it had no initials on it. I wondered where it was now. Without thinking I brought the handkerchief up to my nose again. This time I smelled it and realized there was this soothing smell of peppermint.

"Hannah." Dr. Phillipston called drawing my attention.

"Yes." I said pulling from my thoughts. I lowered the handkerchief and Dr. Phillipston shook his head, disapprovingly.

He turned to Dr. Cole and said, "She does this sometimes. She is taken to flights of fancy and will just sit there, if you don't nudge her along." I thought it was rather rude of him to say. I wasn't taken to "flights of fancy," sometimes I just got a little caught up in things. He turned back towards me and said, "Now then, Hannah, Dr. Cole, asked you a question."

Oh right he had! It took me a moment to recall then I turned to Dr. Cole and answered "No." I clutched the handkerchief in my hands still feeling upset. I was so embittered that I worried I might say something I'd regret. Plus I'm sure if Dr. Cole wanted to know anything about me, he could just check Dr. Phillipston's "notes." Still I suppose Dr. Cole was nice enough, after all Dr. Phillipston, had never offered me a handkerchief before. I raised the handkerchief and added, "Thank you for the handkerchief."

Dr. Cole simply nodded but I noticed his thin lips curl up slightly, on one side. Dr. Phillipston didn't seemed pleased with my response. He looked at his pocket watch then said. "Alright Hannah, sorry to cut your session short today but Dr. Cole and I have much to do before the night is through. It really was a pleasure working with you and I wish you the best in your recovery."

"Thank you, you too," I said in a dull tone not looking at him.

"You can return to your room now, Hannah," said Dr. Phillipston pushing the buzzer on his desk.

"Okay." I said.

I got up and noticed Dr. Cole stood once more as well. I looked at him curiously as Dr. Phillipston looked down at some paperwork on his desk. Dr. Cole quickly moved to get the door for me and as I passed him, I thought I heard him breathe in deeply. I paused and he took note of it, "Yes?"

"Oh, nothing." I said turning to him. Then I realized I still had his handkerchief. I quickly offered it back to him and he took it, "Thank you again and goodnight."

"Goodnight, Hannah" he said.

I turned and continued out the door. An orderly met me in the waiting room as always and walked me back to my room. Once I was alone I collapsed on my bed thinking this sucked. After a minute or two, I took a book off my small shelf and flipped through the papers, I'd hidden inside. I traced my fingertips over the pictures I'd drawn of my love and friends until lights out.

I used the glow of the red light bulb to put my book away then climbed under my covers. It was hard not to be disheartened by this sudden turn of events but I vowed once more as I did every night, that one day, I would get out of here. I would find the others and we would be together again.

11/21/2024

Still in recovery. I don't know if I mentioned this was first surgery. I can now get in and out of bed on my own! Woot!