I wanted to believe Becket wouldn’t come back and that it was really over...for now. That all it took was Casey having a few words with him. Yet I knew him, whether he was aware or not, he couldn’t’ stay away from me, for long. Almost two weeks passed, two hesitant but blissful weeks. I began to have doubts...that I was right. Maybe, just maybe, this time I was wrong.
The dark clouds that had been hanging over my head for so long, began to brighten and part. For the first time in six years the light was breaking through and rays of light weren’t just rare but constant. We painted our bedroom and redecorated the living room. Mostly we just moved things around but it felt like a good change.
The first week Casey walked me to and from work everyday. He would ask me, did he come back and when I said no, he’d get this smug smile on his face. I could just hear him saying, see, see, without him uttering a single word. The second week he let things go back to normal. He’d walked me to work, but only home sometimes, when it was convenient for both of us.
Sometimes he could work late and I’d be left to my own devices, for hours on end. He’d have a repair that might need more attention. Or he might need to hunt down a part, they needed for the next class, so they could keep working on a car. Sometimes, he’d talk with a student or two, who needed his support. I got it, having had him show up for me in the institute had been everything at one point. You needed consistency when you were in a vulnerable place.
One kid in particular had a lot going on, Leo. Casey had told her a few things but didn’t go into too much detail. He just said that the kid hadn’t had the best start in life. He was barely fifteen going on forty-two. He was smart but quiet. He had problems showing up. He’d withdraw into himself and disappear, for days even weeks at a time. Casey was hoping to reach him and get him back on track. He’d come over to the house for dinner once or twice and when he needed to chat with Casey.
One morning, in our third week, Casey was in a hurry and couldn’t walk me. Leo’s parole officer, needed Casey to put in some good words, to the judge that was overseeing Leo’s case. Casey left for court early, taking the car and I walked to work on my own. I spent the morning putting things away. I got into a nice rhythm and realized I liked being able to do things my own way. The owner was happy as long as I kept track of the merchandise and it got put on the shelves.
I also did some cleaning later in the morning. I found if I let it go too long things built up so I tried to do a little everyday before lunch. I dusted, swept and scrubbed. At one point the bell on the door rang, while I was sweeping up some bugs. I dropped them into the bin then turned to greet the customer.
“Helloooooo.”
I froze when I saw it was him and he clearly didn’t look well. His clothes were wrinkled and his eyes had dark circles under them, like he hadn’t been sleeping. He looked at me with such intensity that I just wanted to shrivel up and die, right then and there. I knew that look… had seen it before in other lives... he was manic!
I quickly moved to the front counter, wanting to make sure there was something between us...should he ‘attack.’ He walked right up to me and slammed his gloved hands down on the counter. “So you think I’m after you!”
Shit! He knew! He moved his hands to his waist then began madly pacing back and forth. I realized Casey had told him but he said he hadn’t. Had he lied to me or had Becket found out...some other way? Did someone else tell him or...or was he waking? I cursed under my breath, knowing that was neither here nor there. No matter how he found out… He had found out!
He got upset at my lack of response. He stopped pacing and turned to me once more. “Is that why you slit your throat!” He gestured to my throat and I instinctively grabbed it, worrying my turtle neck was out of place, but it wasn’t. He went on. “Is that why you did it! Slit your throat in the hall that day! Because you thought I was “after you!” He did air quotes with his gloved hands then moved them about erratically. He was all over the place.
“I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU BACK THEN! I STILL DON’T KNOW YOU! But not a day has gone by since what you did, doesn’t cross my mind. You are crazy! You are so messed up! You did that because of me! BULLSHIT! You…YOU!” He began madly pacing again. “YOU DON’T KNOW ME! You’ve never met me! I’m not after you!”
He was spiraling, I’d seen it and done it myself enough times, to know what the signs were. One of my doctors called it a stream of consciousness, where you just blurted out what was on your mind. I had yet to say a word to him but was already feeling the tears well up in my eyes. He just kept pacing in front of the counter, demanding a response. I suppose I could have held my tongue or asked just what he knew, but instead I was honest with him.
“I know you.” I bitterly spat, narrowing my eyes. “I know you.”
He stopped pacing and acted like I’d straight up slapped him. He got this astonished look on his face, like he was beyond blown over, by what I’d just said. He gasped. “You. You are deranged! You! YOU ARE DELUSIONAL!” He shook his head.
I let out a sigh then put my knuckles on the counter “So prove me wrong!” I said plainly. “Prove I don’t know what I’m talking about! That I’m just crazy. Walk out of here, right here and now and don’t ever come back. Don’t talk to me. Don’t search me out. Be done with me and never see me again, then I will be the fool.”
His face twisted in disgust. He looked like he was going to be sick. Like he despised me with his every breath and yet I notice he didn’t leave. “I don’t have to prove anything to you or anyone. I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!”
“So go!” I insisted.
“I live here! I’ll do as I please without your say.”
“Fine,” I snapped “Do as you wish, do whatever you please, just stay away from me!”
“Do you have any idea what you did to me! What you have done to me all these years! What seeing that sort of thing does to a person!”
I bit my lip, knowing what I had done and where I had done it, had traumatized a lot of people...him included, I guess. It felt wrong...apologizing to ‘HIM’ of all people but I did it none the less. “I’m sorry.”
I looked away from him and a long moment of silence passed between us. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet. “Why? Why did you do it?”
“To escape.” I said simply.
“To escape! To escape!” He repeated. That set him off again. “I’M NOT AFTER YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH!” He burst out “I’M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM!”
I furrowed my brow and looked back at him, my voice emotional... desperate. “Then please go! Please Becket! Go and don’t come back! Live your life, forget about me, forget about everything that happened! Just go!”
“Again don’t tell me what to do!” he snapped pointing his finger at me. “You...you make me sick! Forget about you! Forget everything that happened! That day has haunted me! You haunt my dreams! And you did that because of me! Because you think I’m after you! Why? WHY DO YOU THINK I’M AFTER YOU?”
My eyes widened that answer was... complicated. I didn’t expect him to ask that. I knew he wanted to know why I had slit my throat... but to know why I thought he was after me. I bit my lip knowing I shouldn’t say anything.
“Come on!” he demanded snapping his fingers. “TELL ME! You owe me that at least!”
I stayed silent for nearly a minute pursing my lips. “Can you just go.” I said. Hoping he’d leave.
“I wont. I wont leave until you tell me. Why do you think I’m after you.” he demanded crossing his arms. I could see the determination in his eyes he really wouldn’t go until I gave him a reason.
I closed my eyes and debated what I should say. I thought about lying but there was a chance he’d see through me and just get more upset. I wasn’t a good liar. The truth though... was pretty crazy. I knew he wouldn’t understand. It was pointless to explain just like with Casey. He was just going to think I was crazy but maybe that’s what I needed right now. To seem crazy. If he didn’t believe me he’d just write me off and leave...at least I hoped.
He kept glaring at me on the other side of the counter. I looked down then ripped the bandage off. “You...we knew each other.” I said turning my head to the side. I looked at some stuff across the room.
“I DON’T KNOW YOU!” he madly cackled. “You are absolutely crazy!”
“SO! SO WHAT IF I AM! I snapped back tears streaming down my face. “JUST GO!
“NO! YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Now answer the question?
“I just did!
“BULLSHIT!
“IT’S NOT!
“I never saw you before that day!”
“In this life.”
“What’s that?” he said whipping his head to the side. “SPEAK UP! SAY THAT AGAIN! He put his gloved hands on the counter, turning them into fists. “What did you just say?
“In this life!”
“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN! In this life.”
“I knew you,” I said finally done with it, “In another life.”
“ANOTHER FUCKING LIFE!” He shook his head, flared his nostrils and went off like a rocket, rushing around the store. His muscle tightened and I could see he was excited and angry.
He suddenly burst into mad laughter “YOU DID THAT BECAUSE OF ANOTHER LIFE! BECAUSE YOU ‘KNEW’ ME IN ANOTHER LIFE!”
“Yes!” I spat emotional.
He stopped laughing and his eyes shifted from side to side as if he were calculating something. He looked around the store, then back at me. He turned and looked like he was going to leave. Good! I hoped he went and didn’t come back! I hoped he thought all of this was just crazy. I messed up...kept messing up. I shouldn’t have say anything! I shouldn’t even be talking to him. All of it was too risky! He walked away then came back. He walked up to the door then froze for a long moment and came back.
He turned to me and his eyes lit up as he quietly said, “Were we lovers.”
My face went red. I felt like my insides were boiling! I tried to process what he just said. He watched me closely...carefully waiting for my response. Thankfully, something happened. The bell on the door rang and a customer came in. I didn’t realize how close he was standing or how I’d been staring into his eyes and hadn’t been breathing. I sucked in air taking a deep breath. He stepped back but I could see he wasn’t done. I knew I’d fucked up again letting us converse like this.
I wiped my eyes and turned to the customer as he put his back to me and started looking at a rack of post cards. The customer could clearly see something was going on and I was upset. She gave me a look and whispered. “Are you okay?”
I lied and said, “Yes, allergies.”
I helped the customer find some stationary, and a few personalize name tags as Becket was practically vibrating in the corner of the room. He looked at the snow globs for a while. He shook a few and it looked like he wanted to chuck them against the floor. Again the woman asked if I was okay. I just nodded and rung her up. I wrapped the gifts and she was slow to leave, giving me another look of concern.
I didn’t wait to be left alone with him. I went into the back, grabbed my things and went out the back door. I know I shouldn’t have left him in the store alone but I could not stay in the room with him for another second. I didn’t care if I got fired because I quit. I couldn’t come back here!
He knew things, he shouldn’t. HE KNEW TOO MUCH! It was over! It was over! My hands were shaking as I took an unusual route home. Just in case he had heard me leave, I took the street one off from mine so he wouldn’t be able to walk out, look down the road, and see me walking. I called the manager, saying I was very, very sick and that I left someone in the store. I was sorry but I might be having an emergency. She said she was on her way to the store. She sounded worried, I told her I’d call her when I knew something more.
Then I shut my phone off and went home. I think it was still morning, I debated calling Casey but what if he was still in court. I couldn’t pull him away...for this. I got to the street I needed to turn on, I did then looked down the road. I could just barely make out the shop in the distance. I couldn’t see if he’d come outside or not. He might still be inside, waiting for my return...a return that would never come.
I dropped the keys as I tried to unlocked the door. I managed to get them in the lock on the third time and opened the door. I shut it behind me then locked it before I dropped to my knees and screamed at the top of my lungs. I just screamed and screamed, my entire body felt like it was on fire. I felt so much tension fear and...and fury.
I wanted to make this stop. I wanted to hurt myself to feel something other then this but I promised Casey. I’d promised him I wouldn’t hurt myself so I curled up tightly on the floor and rocked myself as replayed everything in my head. The way he spoke...the way he looked at me and the last thing he’d said, “Were we lovers. It was all so intense...too intense...where had he gotten that from. No! I knew where...but he wasn’t awake...unless he was waking up before my eyes.
I replayed the way his eyes had lit up with realization. He spoke so softly, not really asking a question but more as stating a thought that had just crossed his mind, ‘Were we lovers. Were we lovers.’ I closed my eyes and whispered to myself. “Were we lovers.”
I curled up even tighter to the point where I almost hurt myself. I did not want to go there. I did not want to go there. Yet the words lit a fuse in me. My entire being was on fire. For years, I didn’t know and then...when I did I had tried to deny it. When my nightmares first started, when I realized they were past lives. I thought ‘HE’ had only ever been my enemy, life after life, horribleness after horribleness. He was a monster! I knew that through and through. I knew left from right, right from wrong, good from bad, up from down, where the line was between love and hate then one day, I didn’t know anything.
I remember the exact moment it happened...when everything began to fall into place. I was still at the institute. I looked out my window and saw a man waiting for the bus. I thought he was going somewhere but when the bus pulled up a woman rushed off and quickly embraced the man. They shared a long kiss before they walked down the street hand and hand.
It triggered something inside me and I recalled one life...when he seemed almost normal. He smiled at me...and it didn’t strike terror in my heart. He had these thick black rimmed glasses and dressed like an office worker white shirt and a tie. We were friends at first. I worked with him or near him and we’d have lunch together. We’d ride the bus home. He was kind, sweet and funny. He was always making me laugh and smile. I was pretty sure I was falling in love with him.
For a moment I was confused. I didn’t know what to make of it. Perhaps I was mistaken, but no I knew those eyes of his, it was him! Yet the feelings I got...if only briefly, didn’t make sense. I recalled him waiting for me one day, to get off the bus. It was stormy and he had an umbrella and I kissed him in the rain. I could still remember that kiss and the look in his eyes when we pulled apart. It was clear he was in love with me and I...the way I felt-
I thought I was going to be sick. How could this be the same person, I hated! I thought I must have misremembered or it was a one off, you live enough lives I suppose anything was bound to happen, even being in a relationship with the enemy. Yet the memory opened a flood gate of others, memories, dreams, lives... where...where we had been lovers.
It...it didn’t happen all the time but the fact that it happened at all was unacceptable! I gasped on the floor realizing, I’d been holding my breath. For so long I’d been trying everything to push it away...to deny it. I took in a deep breath and began to sob on the floor. I felt things I didn’t want to... saw things that should make me sick and yet they didn’t. This man I hated with every fiber of my being, feared with all my soul and despised with all my mind was... had also...sometimes been... someone I loved with all my heart.
It wasn’t just a one off...a mistake to be written off or an accidental twist of fate. No it...happened too many times... there were so many memories, times when I- we were more. I HATED IT! HOW! HOW! I tried to bury the memories and the feelings that came with them. I wanted to set them of fire. I didn’t know how to handle this...these things. I still didn’t. I didn’t want to see...accept!
Since that first memory of us. I kept searching for answers. Had he forced me to love him? Sometimes... but could you really force someone to love you? You could keep them captive but could you make them have feelings for you other then fear or hate. Had he brainwashed me or battered me so much that I was sick in the head? Again sometimes... but what about all the times he hadn’t! Had he manipulated me with his lies or had I just been a fool. Had I let my guard down? Had I not seen it coming? Had he somehow corrupted me after so many lives?
I felt so confused and betrayed! I felt like my mind had purposely kept this from me and my heart was so twisted up, perhaps it was even broken. How...how could I ever love such a monster! Back when I first found out I pressed on wanting to know everything and then I didn’t. I did not want to know...but by then it was too late. I saw things...knew things that couldn’t be taken back.
There were times when he could be soft, kind, gentle, thoughtful and oh so charming. A lot of times it was sex. He knew me better then myself, inside and out. He also knew my darkest desire and greatest fears. My need for pleasure and pain. There were ways about him...looks I could not resist. He could take my breath away, sweep me off my feet and leave me begging for more. He played me like his violin and together we made such horrific music.
I saw so many lives. Sometimes he was so normal, sometimes he was everything but. Sometimes he was so damaged and deranged but still I loved him. I loved him when he was at his highest and even more when he was at his lowest. I loved him when he hated me. When he betrayed me and hurt me and the ones I loved. It was gut-wrenching, to know that no matter what he did, a part of me would always love him...worst of all he knew.
He used and abuse me, teasing and tormenting me to no end. He was like poison on my lips. A rose with thorns. He made me bleed and sometimes I loved it. He lived for the chase and I loved to run. We played endless games of cat and mouse...sadist and masochist. Who was who…at times I couldn’t tell you. Only that things could get so twisted.
There were times it felt like we were dancers in the dark, spiraling around faster and faster. We cared not what became of us or those around us, only living for this dance of ours. I loathed every memory of us. I hated myself for ever loving him. Perhaps it was part of my curse to love the man I hated most. Perhaps it was the same for him.
There were times when he was tormented and beyond obsessed. He thought of me a weakness he could not afford. He’d try to break me down and destroy me, rather then admit he loved me and needed me...no wanted me. It was one thing to need someone and another to want them. It would seemed we were doomed to hurt each other time and time again. We were tangled in such madness, love, hate, and obsession.
I remember one life when it consumed us complete. We were both so tired that neither of us fought, this things between us. We sunk into seclusion and died in each others arms, unable to pull away from one another. It wasn’t beautiful...it was tragic.
I couldn’t undo the past but I refused to repeat it...even if I was cursed to! As soon as a memory or feeling I didn’t like, would pop up, I’d push it away and squash it as best I could. I hated him. Truly hated him! I hated him and that was all there would ever be to it! Were we lovers...Were we lovers. It repeated in my head again but I took care of it like all the others. I pushed it away, squashed it down and buried it deep inside me.
“No!” I said stoking the fire of my hate for him once more.
I wiped my eyes and sat up. I felt so...so overwhelmed. All of this was just so overwhelming! To know about everything with Becket and then to think of everything with Casey. I felt like I was forever torn between the two. We were always struggling against one another, when we should be working together to end the curse. Perhaps again this was part of it. This endless friction between us.
I ran my hands over my face as I shook my head. I just wanted to be with Casey, now and forever. How many lifetimes had we fought for our love? How many times had other things or people gotten in the way? I recalled lives where we were at odds, lives where we argued and didn’t communicate properly. There had been so many assumptions and misunderstandings. There were times when he left or I pushed him away because I thought he’d be better off. Yet he would always come back to me because he loved me just as much as I loved him...if not more so.
He didn’t give up on me, on us. I didn’t think I was worth it. There were times when I hated myself. When I had done things...unforgivable things and thought I was a monster like Becket. There are times I wanted to destroy myself and become nothing but he would save me...even from myself. I bit my lip recalling once more, how we met, in this life.
He told me about it once and only once. He’d been down the hall, talking to students and I had dropped my things. It made him look over and when he saw me raise the knife, he couldn’t move fast enough. He got to me as the blade left my neck and he didn’t think. He just moved, grabbing hold of my neck. He wouldn’t let me go. He... wouldn’t... let... go.
He’d catch me when I fell, carry me when I couldn’t walk. He was the light in the dark. He’d loved me even when I had no love for myself. I loved him so much. There were times when I had sacrificed myself for him, times when I fought on for him, when I didn’t give up long after I should have. I believed in him, even when he didn’t or lost hope. I would ease his heart and hold him in my arms, when he needed comfort and a place to rest. Rest sounded good right about now. All of it was just so much to take in and so very, very tragic. I suppose that is why they called it a curse.
I got to my feet and went to the bathroom. I looked through the medicine cabinet and found something. The good stuff, Casey jokingly called it. It was for when I was having a really bad day. It was prescribed to knock me out and calm me the fuck down. I felt so overwhelmed. Most of this wasn’t anything new but it felt like reopening an old wound.
I looked at myself in the mirror touching my neck. Everything had been a lot lately and right now I’d rather be sedated then deal with all these emotions boiling within me. I went into the bedroom then took the recommended dose. I centered myself on the bed and laid there until it kicked in. I think I fell asleep because I woke to Casey yelling. He’d gotten a call from Sheri and she told him I’d left work that it was some sort of emergency.
He tried to reach me but I was already out of it and my phone was in the living room. He checked the security camera’s and saw I’d come home upset and taken pills. I hadn’t thought about how bad that might look. He’d rushed home and burst into the bedroom.
He shook me, trying to wake me. “NONA! NONA!”
I groaned opening my eyes.
“WHAT DID YOU TAKE! WHAT DID YOU TAKE!” He demanded trying to keep me awake.
I tried to tell him but he saw the bottle laying next to me. He saw what it was then poured the entire bottle out on the bed. He began madly counting the pills. When he saw I’d only taken the normal dose he let out a sigh of relief. He dropped down on the bed then, burying his head in his hands. For the longest time he just stayed like that as I drifted in and out. I think he thought I’d hurt myself again.
I lifted my hand and put it on his head, “I promised.”
He lifted his head and I could see he was crying, “You did, you did,” he said reach out to me. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing much,” I said feeling very calm, mellow. Nothing was too big right now. Everything was okay, I was just a breeze.
“Nona?” he said, seeing I’d zoned out, “What happened?
“Oh nothing...nothing just world ending... have to quit my job.”
“Why?” He said furrowing his brow.
“He came back,” I sighed.
He looked confused then concerned “What?
I just smiled. I knew this was all inevitable...only a matter of time, but in this moment I didn’t care. I felt so light and free. I don’t know why but I started to imagine a washing machine, the water, soap bubbles and the rhythm. It all went around and round sloshing and whooshing. Whoosh. Whoosh. We were like a washing machine going around and round. We just kept going around and around, life after life, like a washing machine. Whoosh. Whoosh. I think I started to make the sound. Casey let out a long groan followed by a heavy sigh. He probably knew he wasn’t going to get anything out of me, anytime soon.
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