It took a few hours for the good stuff to wear off. It was only suppose to be a temporary calm, in a moment of intensity. It was just what I needed. I took a nap and when I woke up, Casey was there, handing me a glass of water. I sat up and drank it as he ran his fingers through my hair.
"What have you been up to?" I asked.
"Not much," he said, "I made some calls, cleaned the house and made some dinner."
"Oh what did you make?"
"Cheese sandwiches and soup."
"Oh my favorite."
"I know." he said
When he saw I could handle the water, without spilling it, he took my glass and left the room. He returned a second later with a tray of soup and sandwiches. I ate a little before we got into things.
He sat on the edge of the bed with his arms crossed and asked, "Are you up for taking?" I nodded dipping my sandwich in the soup. He ran his fingers through his hair let out a heavy sigh then said, "Okay, what happened?"
"Happened." I said foggy for a moment.
"With the store today."
"Oh...OH!" it came flooding back to me like a ton of bricks.
I sat silently for a moment and he sighed. "You know, I thought you were doing better."
"I am!" I insisted.
"Doesn't feel like it lately. You've been getting worked up a lot. Is it because of your degree? I know you were excited to pass but sometimes it can be hard to accept success, just as much as failure."
"No." I said sighing."You know what this is about…What it's always going to be about."
Casey hung his head and let out a sigh. "Becket."
"Yeah, is Sheri okay? Did she get him out of the store?"
"So he was the one you left in the store?"
"Yeah." I said as Casey rubbed his jaw. He seemed to be thinking about something. "What? What is it?" I asked. I had a feeling something was up.
"Nothing now tell me what happened."
"You first!" I said.
"After."
"No." I said "I asked first.'
"Technically, I asked first, when you were out of it." He was right but I pursed my lips. He sighed, "It's nothing she assisted him and he left."
"That's it?"
"Yeah, he was a little concern, which was understandable."
"Concerned how?"
"Its not a big deal, Nona. He just wanted to know how to contact you, to make sure you were okay."
"Sheri didn't give him our information, did she!?"
"No," said Casey, "Sheri's not just going to give your information out to anyone who asks."
I let out a sigh of relief. I didn't want to think of what would happen, if he knew my phone number or worse my address! What if he came here! What would I do? Awake or not I didn't want to talk to him anymore.
"Now," said, Casey "My turn. What happened? I want to know everything." I could tell he was getting impatient. I didn't really want to go over it again but knew he'd been waiting.
I stopped eating no longer feeling hungry, "Well, I got to work like normal and went about everything like usually. At one point I was cleaning something up," I said running my fingers through my hair, "And he just comes in all ampt up and angry. I think he was manic. He also didn't look like he got a lot of sleep. But he just started yelling at me."
"What?" said Casey looking at me skeptically, "Why?"
"Somehow, he knows I slit my throat because I thought he was after me. Did you tell him?"
"What? No. I told you what I told him."
"So you didn't tell him?"
"No, I told him you were unstable and to not come back. How many times do I have to say it."
"Then how did it find out?" I asked really hoping it wasn't the other way. I bit my lip worrying.
"I'm not the only one that knows what happened. Maybe he found out from someone else. Now tell me what he said exactly."
"I don't remember everything." I didn't want to. "But like he knew I slit my throat because of him and that I thought he was after me. He was really upset. He told me I didn't know him and he'd done nothing wrong."
"Yeah, okay, I can see that," said Casey, nodding.
""See what?" I asked confused.
"I can see why someone would be upset over something that affects them. Say someone cut off their toe because of you. You'd have a reaction, wouldn't you?"
"Yeah, I guess," I said. I hadn't really through about it. I suppose he had every right to be upset...in that case.
"So he yelled at you. Then what? Did you say or do anything?"
"Yeah I, well-," I looked off to the side, knowing he wasn't going to like this. I looked down now feeling stupid. Maybe he was just upset about finding out I'd slit my throat because of him but that didn't explain the last thing he sai-
"Nona!" Casey called, pulling me from my thoughts, He crossed his arms waiting for me to go on.
"He...well, he said I didn't know him and I said I did."
"Seriously, why? You don't."
"I do... did."
"Don't start, just what did you say."
"I just said I knew him,"
"He got more upset said I was deranged, crazy, all that."
"Yeah."
"And I said so prove me wrong."
What?
"Yeah, I said something like, prove I don't know anything, walk out now and don't ever come back. Never see me again, and I'll be the fool and he just kept looking at me, like I was crazy."
Casey nodded like it was a fair response. Again, I suppose, if I didn't know anything about this stuff and someone told me, I'd think they were crazy. I looked out the window.
"Then what?" Casey asked.
"Well he told me, not to tell him what to do, I told him like forget about it and everything. Just go. He said I had affected him a lot and stuff. I haunt his dreams."
Casey let out a heavy sigh, "Trauma can affect everyone in different ways."
"Yeah, I know. I told him I was sorry. Then at some point he asked why I thought he was after me."
"And what did you say?"
"Well at first, I told him to go, like I told him to leave a lot during the conversation but he wouldn't. He said he wouldn't go until I told him."
"And."
"Well, I told him I knew him from another life."
He threw his head back and looked up at the ceiling. "You didn't."
"I did," I said knowing this was bad on so many levels. I should have never said anything, especially to 'HIM!' But I'd gotten caught up in the moment, I realized that now.
"And then what?" groaned Casey when I didn't continue.
"Well, he yelled some more. He didn't believe me. I thought he was leaving but then he came back and said...some more shit." I decided not to tell Casey that last part. I didn't want to repeat it and I hadn't told Casey that the man I'd been terrified about for years... had also been my lover. That was just a lot to unpack and everything I'd already told him-
"Okay," said Casey pulling me from my thoughts. He looked back at me, "He said some shit and!"
"And… a customer came in, so I helped them and just walked out of the store after. I called Sheri and then came home and was really upset. I didn't want to do anything bad so I took something to calm down and now I'm calm."
"Eat," he said pulling his phone out of his pocket.
"What?"
"Eat!" He said again "Just eat your dinner, I'm gonna make some more calls."
"To who? About what?"
"It doesn't matter we'll, talk about this later. Just eat your dinner and do some mental exercises."
I had a feeling he was up to something but didn't push it. I picked at my dinner some more and peaked out into the hallway, every so often. I heard him talking to someone in the kitchen then he flipped through the phone book for a while. He jotted some notes down then made another. It was a short call followed by another call as he wandered through the living room. I think he was talking to Sheri but I couldn't be sure. Eventually he went back into the kitchen, grabbed a beer, then made another call or two outside.
When I saw he was coming back, I jumped into the bed and acted like I hadn't been spying. He put my tray off to the side then let me know what he'd been up to, "I called Sheri, you're going to take the rest of the week off. I also called your doctor's emergency number and he'll fit you in first thing tomorrow morning."
I usually only had to see the doctor once a month just to keep up with my medications. I wasn't looking forward to an unexpected visit. "I guess I could catch the bus."
"I'll take you." He sighed.
"But you have work." I pointed out.
"I took the rest of the week off too. We're gonna see your doctor, get your medications adjusted and figure things out. Then in the afternoon, Angie is gonna come over and spend some time hanging out."
"What! Why?"
"I'm going to meet with Becket and clear things up. Clearly he's been talking to someone and is upset and everything with you didn't help. I'll touch base with him, make sure he understands and remind him to stay away from you again."
"But what if he follows you home?"
"He's not going to follow me how!" scoffed Casey.
"But please! What if he does? He'll find out where we live!"
"We're listed."
"No we're still listed at our old address, I checked."
"Well eventually this address will be. Now, you're not doing your self checks and self care, Nona. You know these thoughts are wrong. You're feeding into your delusions. You needed to start stepping up, especially if you ever want to get married and have kids."
"With you!" I said perking up.
"Or anyone." He insisted, "Now let's go over it again, the promise."
"I promise not to hurt myself." I said.
"And I promise to be here. I wont let anyone hurt you. Honestly Nona, this is just a big misunderstanding with this guy."
Casey made things seem so simply...maybe he was right. I closed my eyes, "No! No! this isn't some misunderstanding! What if he wont back off?"
"Don't." he said
"Just answer me that and I'll drop it."
He let out a long groan but answered, "Then I'll keep my promise and take care of it, like I take care of everything, okay."
"Okay," I said, "And I do take care of a lot of things."
"I know you do," he said running his hand over his face, "I'm sorry, I'm just stressed."
"How did court go?"
"Not so great, he didn't show up. He's missing again."
"Oh,"
"Yeah,"
"I'm sorry,"
"It's okay, I'm sure they'll find him. It's just going to be harder going forward." I knew a lot of things were going to be harder going forward but I bit my lip and didn't say anything.
"Alright," he said clapping his hands together, "I want you to do some mental exercises and get into a good head space, nothing stressful until after we see the doc."
"Right, right, you have dinner?"
"I'm not hungry," he said then went to shower.
I sat in bed for a long moment. I felt even worse about how I handled today, given his day wasn't going so well. I wondered where Leo was and if he was okay. I didn't know him all that well but I knew Casey cared. He cared a lot about others. I felt guilty for not doing the same. I was always on edge thinking of my impeding doom. I still felt like we shouldn't be here...like we should get out of the city or something. Maybe if we couldn't move we could go on a mini vacation.
I got up and knocked on the bathroom door. "Hey since we both have a few days off why don't we do something, go somewhere."
"Nona!" He cried.
"What! This has nothing to do with paranoia! I'm just saying we could do something. Might as well since we wont get to later," I paused realizing how bad that sounded. It was true but still I quickly added, "with, with us using our vacation time and all! We wont get to do things later because we're taking time off now."
"I don't feel like going anywhere right now. I'm tired. Okay."
"Okay," I sighed leaning against the hallway wall.
I slid down to the floor and sat. I guess it didn't really matter, if we went somewhere or not. I rubbed my arms up and down knowing it wouldn't do us any good. I felt like not matter what we did, we were just swirling around a black hole, unable to escape a collision.
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