That night when I got home I considered telling Derek what had happened yet again but nothing really had. Roan had simply apologized. I know after he'd acted a bit strange. He didn't think his apology was enough. But he was probably just surprised I'd actually accepted it. Perhaps he thought I'd be more upset. Honestly I thought I would be too.
If you had asked me before the reunion if I would ever accept an apology from Roan Attley, I would have thought you were crazy. I know if I told Polly I had, she'd probably check my temperature to see if I was delirious. However, seeing him with his family, hearing the sincerity in his voice, I couldn't deny he was different now.
For years now, I'd been trying to move on, trying to let go of the past so that I could focus on the future. Roan was probably just trying to do the same. It was strange empathizing with him. Trying to understand his point of view was almost sickening.
All through dinner I found myself lost in thought. Derek kept making silly faces at me and telling lame jokes to get my mood up. I was grateful he didn't ask what was wrong, that he didn't push me to tell him. When we went to bed that night, he held me closely and I felt oddly calm. Perhaps this was what closure felt like…
The next day I half expected Roan to show up again but graciously he didn't. It was a quiet morning and I didn't have to work it alone. On Mondays I liked to focus on my managerial duties. I had my new hire, Jessica, work the counter. I kept an eye on her, helping out every so often. I made up next month's schedule, checked on the payroll checks, accepted new deliveries, went over inventory and threw out any expired products.
Jessica got off at two. I told her she was doing a good job and then worked the counter until Ben arrived at four. He was still in high school but he was my best closer. We closed at eight so he didn't stay out too late. I liked that I could always trust him to clean everything properly and lock up on time.
When I got off I was a bit tired. It was always a long shift on Mondays but I gave myself Tuesdays and Wednesdays off. Of course, I was always on call in case they needed me. There was talk of hiring a second manager but we didn't really need one. At this point I could handle most things with just four employees. If there was anything I couldn't handle, I knew the cafe owner Bonnie could.
I decided to do some shopping and made spaghetti that night. Though I was tired I found I was in a much better mood knowing I had the next two days off. Derek was in a nice mood too. We ate and then watched movies until bed. We even made love that night. It was a bit awkward with his cast. We had to be very careful and in the throes of love it could be easy to forget.
Thankfully, the next day we went to the doctor. They checked out his arm and he was able to get his cast removed. We celebrated with dinner and a movie. The next night we went to a party at Polly's. Derek barbecued on the balcony and we stayed out a bit too late, drinking. Come Thursday, I was a little hung over but didn't have to be to work until two. I always closed Thursday's and Fridays.
I got to work fifteen minutes early. Brenda asked if she could take off early, so I let her go. She quickly clocked out and left. I put my things away in the back and put my apron on. I checked on the status of the coffee and what things I needed to make for the display case. I jotted down that we were running low on chocolate chip cookies, jelly donuts, crescent rolls and apple pie. I heard a chair move and looked up to see someone getting up from a table in the seating area. I quickly discovered it wasn't just someone but Roan.
I failed to hide my disappointment, frowning as he made his way over to me. I wondered how long he been here. From the look of his table, I could see several empty bags and a large coffee. Had he been waiting for me? The thought unsettled me. I wish I hadn't sent Brenda home so quickly now. Perhaps I could have asked her how long he'd been here. If not at least I'd have had another person with me.
While I frowned at the sight of him, he smiled. He seemed to be in a good mood as he cheerfully said, "Hello."
"Hello." I said flatly. I'd had a feeling I might see him again but not so soon. It was getting a little ridiculous. He'd apologized. I'd accepted. We were done. So why, oh why, was he here?
"How are you today?" he asked.
"What do you want now? I asked back. I wasn't going to be polite this time.
He stopped in front of the counter and said, "I wanted to finish our conversation from the other day."
I sighed, folding my arms in front of me, "I thought we did."
"No," he said, "You never told me what I could do to make things up to you."
"As I recall I said it was fine. Your apology was enough."
"It isn't," he insisted.
I breathed deeply, finding myself annoyed. "We went over this yesterday. I'm not going to do this again. I am working."
"We could talk after. When do you get off?"
Fuck no, fuck no, no, no. There was no way I was telling him when I got off. I didn't want him waiting for me like when we were kids. I didn't want to see him outside. I didn't want to see him at all. "No," I said clearly, "I would prefer we didn't associate."
He looked at me confused, like he didn't understand why. Then he looked hurt, taking a step back from the counter. He ran his hand over his mouth and then stepped back up to the counter. "I apologized, Kiri. I told you I've changed. I got treatment but I can't move on until I make amends for what I did to you. Please," he pleaded desperately, "Let me make it up to you."
I sighed heavily. I could see he really, really wanted to make it up to me. I wondered if this still wasn't part of his treatment. I recalled something about alcoholics. When they were working there steps, I think one of them was supposed to be apologizing to the people they hurt and making up for their past misdeeds. Maybe he was a recovering alcoholic. I didn't know. I didn't know a lot of things about him but I didn't want to. Still... I had to do something to get him to leave me the fuck alone.
"Okay," I said exasperated, "What do you think would be enough? What would make things right between us?"
He smiled back at me, "Well what do you like?"
"What do I like?"
"Yes what makes you happy? I am happy and want you to be happy too. I caused you so much pain, I figure if I can make you happy, perhaps that would make amends."
I laughed at the mere insinuation that he could ever make me happy and then said, "I am happy."
He scoffed, like he didn't believe me.
"Okay." I said, rolling my eyes. What did I care, what he thought.
"Perhaps," he continued on, "We could get to know each other. Maybe we could do something together, see a movie… have dinner...maybe even, become friends."
I couldn't help it. I burst into laughter right then and there. Was this...was he serious? Really fucking serious? Did he think we could ever, EVER in a million, bazillion years be...friends? He looked at me as if he meant every word. I shook my head and responded coldly. "I have enough friends."
"No one can ever have enough," he quickly spat back with a smile.
I shook my head, "Are you seriously kidding me, you want to be friends? Fucking friends?!"
His smile widened. It sickened me. It reminded me of when he was a kid. I could see it now, that cruel and twisted grin. Oh...he was clearly just fucking with me. It enraged me, "Get the fuck out!" I said losing it.
"Kiri,"
"NO" I shouted, "YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY IF YOU THINK AFTER EVERYTHING YOU DID TO ME THAT WE COULD EVER BE FRIENDS!"
He looked at me. pursing his lips and shaking his head, "I knew it! You didn't forgive me...you didn't accept my apology."
"I did!" I said, widening my eyes. Was this some sort of test? "I do...but wanting to be friends...that is too much."
"It's not," he said, "If you forgive me, really truly forgive me for what I did to you, then why couldn't we be friends?"
I was beyond exasperated. "What...why are you doing this?"
"I'm serious, Kiri. This is important to me. I want to make it up to you. I want to set a good example for my children. I want them to know that when you do something wrong, when you hurt someone, you take responsibility for your actions and do all you can to make up for it!"
I stood there staring at his self-righteous ass. He wasn't fucking with me. He seriously...wanted to be friends. He seriously thought he could fix things between us. I closed my eyes and apologized, "I'm sorry, Roan. I accept your apology but we...we can't be friends. Not now, not ever. There is just...there are just some things you can't...fix."
"Let me try," he insisted, "Please... I won't give up!"
The bell on the door rang and a couple women came in laughing. They paused when they saw Roan and me staring at one another. I looked at Roan and pleaded, "Please go and don't come back."
He gave me an intense look but said nothing. He just turned and left. The women looked at each other and then asked if I was okay. I wasn't. I really wasn't. I was on the edge of tears...but I held them back.
I just...I needed him to go. I needed this to be over. I knew he was sorry. I knew he'd changed. But every time I saw him it just brought on all this pain. I forced myself to smile and apologized, "Yes, sorry, I'm fine really. What can I get you?"
The women looked at each other again but gave me their order. I quickly filled it. When they left I got to work on making all the food we were low on. It kept me busy for which I was grateful. I knew I needed to do something about Roan now but at this point there was nothing I could do but get through my shift.
When I got off that night I walked home slowly, knowing it was time to tell Derek. I considered talking to Polly about it first but she'd just tell him anyway so I might as well be the one to tell him. I just... I wanted to handle this on my own. I didn't want Derek to think of me as that kid who needed protecting. But I also couldn't ignore this. I couldn't have Roan coming by every other night wanting to be...ugh, friends. I'd nearly exploded at work and that was something I could not do.
I needed advice on what to do about- I paused as someone stepped up to me, blocking my path. I'd been so focused on my thoughts that's I'd completely zoned out. A bouquet of blue roses was practically shoved into my face. I looked at them and then to the one holding them. Roan stood there sheepishly, smiling at me. "These are for you."
I just stood there, frozen. Flashbacks of him waiting for me outside school flooded me. Alarms sounded in my head as I stumbled back, "Wwwwhat…"
"I'm sorry about upsetting you earlier."
I was barely taking in his words as I was struck with panic. Seeing him here...now...it was too much. At work, with the counter between us, I'd been able to maintain some sense of security. But out here in the dark on my way home... He stepped closer, noticing my distress, "Kiri, Are you okay? I'm sorry if I frighten-"
I couldn't think. I lashed out uncontrollably, shoving him away from me. It was an overreaching but in that moment I didn't care. I pushed him as hard as I could. He stumbled back but caught himself. Without a word I turned and ran off. Normally I didn't like to go through the park at night but in this case it was safer then the sidewalks.
I ran as fast and as hard as I could, not slowing for a second. I kept expecting to hear footsteps behind me, feel his hands wrap around me and tackle me to the ground. I shuddered at the thought and it made me run faster. By the time I got home I was winded. I panted, practically stumbling into the elevator door. I pushed my floor and made sure the doors closed. Then I fell back again the wall, trembling.
I...I couldn't live like this….this...I could feel it happening again...all over. When the doors opened I stumbled to my door. I struggled with the key and then quickly got inside, shutting the door behind me. Derek was on the couch playing a video game, enjoying the full use of his arm once more. When I walked in what had happened must have been all over my face.
He dropped his controller and got up from the couch. He quickly came over to me and asked, "What's wrong?"
"Do we have any juice?" I asked, making my way to the kitchen table.
"I...uh...I think so," he said before quickly rushing to the fridge.
I threw my bag down on the table and pulled out a chair. I took of my coat and sat down as he poured me a glass of apple juice. As soon as he set it on the table I drank the entire glass. "Kiri," he asked, growing impatient with my lack of answers.
"I'm sorry," I said, still feeling like I was running. "I just...I ran the whole way home,"
He pulled up a chair and raised an eyebrow, "Why did you run home? Was someone chasing you?"
"No," I said, "Would you just...give me a minute and I'll tell you everything."
He nodded and then waited for me to calm down. He took up one of my hands, massaging it. When I'd settled some I finally began, "You know how...how I saw Roan at the reunion a few week ago?"
"Yeah," he said slowly. I could feel him tense up immediately as he realized this had something to do with Roan. "Did he do something to you?"
"Would you just listen?" I said. I wanted him to know all of it before he got too upset. "I don't know if Polly told you but his wife, Alison, approached her at the reunion and said he wanted to apologize to me."
Derek scoffed, pulling back. He shook his head as Polly and I had.
"Well, last Saturday, he and his family came into the cafe."
"And you didn't tell me?!" said Derek, raising his voice.
"I...I don't think it was on purpose." I said, trying to calm him down, "I don't think they even knew I worked there. Nothing happened. They just ordered something and left."
He looked at me knowing there was more.
"Well, the next day he came back by himself," Derek squeezed my hand. "And he apologized."
"Did you tell him to eat shit?"
"No," I said, trying to explain, "He...He sounded very sincere. After seeing him with his family I just, I said, alright."
"Okay," said Derek. I could see he was confused by my response.
"I just...I'm tired of holding onto it," I said, "I just want the past to be the past... to move on."
"You don't need to explain your reasoning to me." he said, calming down some. "It's your choice," I squeezed his hand and he continued, "But what does any of this have to do with you running home?"
"I'm getting there." I said. "After I accepted his apology he told me he doesn't think words are enough. He wants to make it up to me."
"How exactly?" he said, just as confused as I was.
"He came back tonight and I told him it wasn't really something he could fix but he's insists he wants to make me happy and be...fucking friends."
"What the fuck," Derek said more to himself than to me, shaking his head. "Tell me this time you told him to fuck off."
"I yelled at him and made it very clear that wasn't ever going to happen. Some customers came in and I asked him to leave and not come back. But on my way home tonight he just showed up out of nowhere with flowers. IT FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT! I...I pushed him and ran the whole way home,"
"That son of a bitch!" said Derek. He took his hand from mine and ran both his hands through his hair, thinking. I could tell he was pissed off. "You told him to leave you alone and he kept bothering you,"
"Yes...but...he swears he's just trying to make amends. He want to set a good example for his kids."
"You," said Derek, making sure I was looking him in the eyes, "Are not some example...some fucking lesson for his kids. He's still making this about himself. If he was really serious about making amends, he'd leave your ass alone and never bother you again."
"That would be nice."
"It will be nice," said Derek, getting to his feet. He began to pace in the kitchen. "He's going to leave you the fuck alone. You're done talking to him." said Derek. Stopping mid pace, he turned to me. "From this moment on if he approaches you shut him down. Don't talk to him. If he comes into the cafe, you kick him out. If he won't leave then call me or the police. Make it damn clean you won't stand for this!"
"I…" I wasn't sure if we were overreacting. He'd only approached me three times. Well, four if I counted the time with his family but he was with his-
"KIRI," shouted Derek getting my attention, "We're shutting this down now before it escalates,"
"Okay," I said.
"Kiri," he said, hearing my uncertainty. He dropped down on his knees before me and took up my hands, "This isn't on you. He might be trying to make amends...but that doesn't mean you have to let him into your life."
"Right," I said, "I just...I don't want to make this a thing."
"He's making it a thing by not leaving you alone."
"I know. It's just that he's changed and he's just trying to-"
"People like him don't change, Kiri" said Derek, "He's just got a new angle. If he approaches you outside of work, get somewhere safe and you call me, Polly, anyone. You don't have to talk to him. You don't have to have anything to do with him anymore."
I nodded and bit my lip. "I just….I want this to be over. I want to just keep moving forward."
"And we will," said Derek. He brushed a strand of hair from my face and then pulled me in for a hug. He held me for a few minutes and then said, "Why don't you go take a hot bubble bath and let me make you dinner?"
"Mmm, what frozen dinner will it be?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood. I knew he didn't like to cook.
He pulled back from me, faking offense, "I'll have you know I can use an oven."
"The dinners are still frozen for that as well,"
"True…pizza...is still pizza."
"Hmmm, when did we get pizza?" I said. Pizza did sound nice. He let go of me and got to his feet.
He opened the fridge and pulled out my favorite pizza. He spun around with it once and then set it down on the counter. "Believe it or not, I can shop."
"Oh la la," I said. "You are quite handy, aren't you?"
"Yes," he said. "For the pizza is not all that I got thee,"
"Really?" I said, getting up from my chair.
He winked at me and then grabbed one of our wineglasses. I raised an eyebrow as he opened the fridge again and poured something. When he turned around he had a wine glass full of chocolate milk.
I gasped and went to him, "A man after my own heart."
"Always," he said. "Allow me to test its quality, madam."
He brought the glass close to his mouth like he might take a sip and I took it from him, "No, no, I trust you chose a good vintage." I took a sip, laughed and then said, "I love you,"
"I love me too," he teased, "Oh, and you as well. Now go to the bath before your pizza is oven fresh."
I turned and rushed off down the hall. I made myself a hot bubble bath and slowly sipped my chocolate milk. I hadn't looked forward to telling Derek about Roan but was glad I had. I needed to remember I wasn't alone. I had people who loved me and things, things would never be like they had before. Derek was right. Just because he wanted to make amends didn't mean I had to let him into my life. I smiled to myself and sunk down into my bath. Closing my eyes, I relaxed for the first time all day.
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