I continued to linger on the past as I made my way home. So much had happened that year. When I finally came back to school, after Roan had gone, I was greeted by so many friendly faces. My classmates started coming up to me and talking to me again. For the first time in years I'd been accepted.
A few of them just wanted to know what had happened that day but most didn't push. They were just friendly and invited me to things. At first it was strange having conversations and getting invitations to things. I kept expecting Roan to pop out and put a stop to it but he didn't.
I was able to hang out and make some friends but nothing like Polly. She was my best friend. We were closer than ever after that and did almost everything together. She understood me more than any other. She had stuck by my side from the very start and had even gone through some of it with me. Those few months were so precious to me. They were the best of my childhood. When the school year finished, I found I couldn't wait for summer to be over. I had so many things to look forward to next year, however that summer we moved.
I didn't want to, I wanted to stay with my friends now that I finally had some but my mother sat me down and told me she didn't have much longer. She made it clear it was nothing I'd done that her illness had just finally run its course. It was hard accepting that and even harder saying goodbye to her a few months later.
For the longest time she was all I had. When things were really hard she was the only thing that got me through each and every day. My aunt took me in after that and I got counseling. My aunt did what she could to improve my self-esteem, what little of it there was. She encouraged me to try out for sports and take self-defense classes, after what had happened. She didn't want me to be afraid of the world but to experience it to the fullest.
Polly and I wrote to each other every week. I made a few friends in high school but none of them really stuck. I found it hard to trust and share my past with them. It was something I just didn't talk about. I put up a lot of defenses and kept people at a distance. After graduation, I went to college and Polly and I lost touch with each other. After a year or so I found college wasn't for me. I worked off and on and did some traveling. I went to a few places my mom had talked about when I was a kid. I liked traveling well enough but felt lonely and a bit lost.
One day when I was online I got a friend request from Polly. We caught up and she invited me to come visit her. I found out she was married and going to have a baby. A few weeks later, I got on a plane and went to see her. I enjoyed being around her so much that I decided to stay in the city for a while. I got a job and rented a small apartment.
I learned Derek was going through some hard times. He'd recently gotten a divorce and wasn't really taking care of himself. I found out Polly went over to his place once a week to clean it and made sure he had food. With the baby coming, it got harder for her to do things. I offered to help out and started going with her to clean his apartment.
It had been a while since we'd seen each other but my feelings for him hadn't faded. He was still my hero and I loved him. At first, I worried my feelings might just be gratitude, given all he'd done for me but the more I got to know him, the deeper I fell in love with him.
I didn't know if he felt the same way about me and kept a healthy distance. I was a little worried he might only think of me as his little sister's friend. Plus with everything he was going through I didn't want to push things. I settled for just being his friend. I did what I could to be there for him and help him as he'd once helped me. I cleaned his apartment, made him meals, and even got his butt off the couch. We became running buddies and would run together most mornings and weekends. Over the years we both dated other people off and on but maintained our friendship. At one point, when we were both single, Polly decided to become matchmaker and set us up, on blind movie dates. We found it a little strange when we both showed up to the same movie and quickly realized Polly had set us up with each other. We laughed it off and gave her a call, letting her know she'd been caught.
She pointed out the reason the two of us might not have worked out with anyone else, was because we were meant for each other. We went to the movie anyway but just hung out like we always did. After it was over we got some dinner and then decided to meet up again. We ended up getting together a lot and before we knew it, we were actually dating.
After a few months we realized we were spending almost all our time at each other's places so we moved in together. Last year he asked me to marry him and I said yes. He admitted when we first met up again, he still thought of me as a kid who needed protecting. That it took him a while to see the person, I'd become and realize that was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
That day was one of the best days of my life so far. I swooned just thinking about it and glanced at my engagement ring as I got off the bus. I heard something faint and realized my cell phone was vibrating. I realized I'd must have turned off the ringer at some point.
I picked up and saw it was Derek, "You know, I was just thinking about you."
"Really? What got you thinking about me, was it the ten or so missed calls?" he asked, his voice a little strained.
I pulled my cell phone back and saw several missed calls. "Oh Sorry," I said, "I kinda spaced out."
"Yeah, Polly called me," he said.
"She shouldn't have," I said, "I'm fine. I'm on my way home. I- shit."
"What!?" he said alarmed.
"I'm going to the wrong home." I said, realizing I was on the wrong street. "I'm going to our old apartment." I heard him cackle madly on the phone and hissed, "Don't laugh, it's not funny!"
"No, no, I'm sorry. I was just wishing we had Panja's. How close are you to the old place?"
"Close enough that I can get Panja's." I sighed.
"Alright, get us some Panja's and then get a cab home. I don't need you getting lost again."
"I'll have you know I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am. It's just not where I intended to be."
"Or is it? Perhaps you read my mind about Panja's."
I shook my head. "Uh, the usual?"
"Times two," he said, "I want Panja for days."
"Alright," I said, "I love you,"
"I love you too," he said.
I hung up and turned around. I was only a few blocks away from Panja's so it didn't take long to get there. I ordered it and then caught a cab home. When I got there Derek opened the door before I even put my key in.
"Were you just waiting by the door this entire time?"
"No." he said and then beckoned me in with his good hand.
I stepped inside and saw he'd done some unpacking, "You're an idiot, you know that? You're supposed to be resting. You broke your fucking arm in two places!"
"Yes but believe it or not I discovered I have two arms." he said looking down at his arms as if it were quite the realization. I chuckled and kissed him before he shut the door. I went into the kitchen and saw he'd unpacked some candles for a romantic Panja's dinner.
He quickly rushed over and lit them. "I would have had them lit when you got here but who knows how long you could have been? They might not have been candles anymore."
I chuckled imaging the wax overflowing onto the table. "That would have been fun to clean up."
I was reminded of the night he'd asked me to marry him. He'd lit candles all over the apartment and after we'd celebrated and had sex there was a mess all over the place, wax for days. Some things they neglect to tell you in movies.
I started to unpack the Panja as he got us plates and silverware. I took off my coat and remembered the gifts I'd gotten him. "Hey," I said as he was already dishing himself up.
"What?" he said.
"I got you something," I put down the magazine and pulled out the jerky.
"When did you get all this?" he asked, tilting his head.
"When I was picking up some wine for the party."
"Did you bring any of that home?" he asked with a smirk.
"No, I doubt it would have gone good with your medication. Speaking of which, did you take it?"
"Why do you think I'm in such a good mood?" he said with a wicked grin.
"Am I and the Panja not enough for you?" I said dramatically.
He sighed and set down the food. Coming over to me he said, "You, you are always enough and then some."
I wrapped my arms around him and we embraced. I kissed him again but this time longer and when we pulled apart I let my lips linger over his. Then we pressed our forheads together and just stood there for a moment or two. I heard his phone go off and he threw his head back. "Who dares interrupt our Panja's!"
"I got it." I said. I let go of him and looked around for his phone. I found it on the couch and answered it.
Before I could say a single word Polly called out, "Is she home yet?"
"Yes, yes she is." I said.
"Kiri-"
Before she could ask if I was okay I answered, "Yes, I am okay." She let out a sigh and I asked, "How about you, you still there?"
"Yes," she said, "I'll probably leave in a few minutes. I heard Patrick Milner is supposed to be here,"
"Patrick, your middle school crush, oooooo?" I teased.
"Shhh," Polly shushed.
Derek stepped up, overhearing me and took his phone. "I'm sure your husband, Denny, would love to know you're meeting up with your middle school crush."
I heard Polly cry out, "DEREK!"
"Get your married ass home," he said, "And stop interrupting our Panja's."
He hung up and I recalled what she'd asked me to do. I quickly hit him up side the back of his head. He looked at me and said, "What? It's going to get cold,"
"Not that!" I said, "She asked me to hit you upside the head and tell you to be more careful."
"Hmm, well next time you see her, punch her and tell her she shouldn't be eyeing other guys while her husband's away."
"Will do," I said, knowing I probably wouldn't.
We sat down and ate dinner before watching some TV. Derek looked through his magazine but was unhappy about an interview he read. One of his favorite players was considering retiring. It was all he talked about while we got ready for bed and I almost regretted buying it. When we finally got into bed, it took us a few minutes to find a new snuggle position, given his arm. Once we were all snuggled up the room was silent for a few minutes before we finally discussed...tonight.
"You know I'm here for you, if you ever need me, for anything." He said.
"I know," I yawned, "But I'm okay, really." I had said that so much tonight I was hoping it would eventually be true.
"Yeah, but it's okay not to be," he said, "It's okay to be upset."
"I just…" I let out a heavy sigh. "It's silly I got so... so...uh. I haven't seen him since then and we were just kids but I...it still feels so raw, like it happened yesterday."
"It's not silly." said Derek giving me a squeeze. "It doesn't matter how long it's been and I don't care how old you were, age isn't an excuse for what he did."
"I know, I know," I said. "I guess... what upset me the most was, I didn't even recognize him, like I asked him about wine at the market, like he was anybody but he's not, you know." My eyes were starting to water. I didn't want to get upset again. I didn't want to think about it or him. "I just I want the past to stay in the past."
"I know," he said giving me another squeeze.
I knew he was trying to be supportive but I didn't like talking about this. I stared up at the ceiling for the longest time thinking. Eventually I decided I wouldn't let Roan steal another second of my happiness. I meant to tell that to Derek but before I could, I found myself drifting off to sleep. I guess relieving the past wore me out more then I'd realized that and a belly full of Panja's.
/
My first alarm went off at four am. We both groaned and rolled over. My second alarm went off five minutes after that and I sat up. I yawned and picked up my phone, turning off my third alarm before it had a chance to go off. There was nothing like getting up at four in the morning on a Saturday, especially when you had someone trying to coax you back to bed.
"Come back to bed," Derek urged pulling on me.
"I can't." I said, yawning yet again.
"Call in sick," said Derek, sleepily rolling onto his back."Or better yet, take a vacation."
"I can't." I said yet again.
"You can," he said with a sleepy smile and then raised his good hand waving it through the air like he was casting a magic spell. "And you will."
"I won't," I chuckled before I leaned down to him and kissed him.
He hummed with delight and gave up the fight quicker than normal. It was something we went through every weekend. Derek would call me back to bed and sometimes even pull me back in. We'd playfully argue and while I would be tempted to stay, I would ultimately get up like always.
I was opening and would be the only one until two. I got up and gathered my things for a quick shower. When I was finished I put on a nice pink sweater and tan pants that admittedly made my ass look amazing. I took a moment to look at it and wondered if anyone else ever admired themselves. I knew people could easily find flaws in themselves but did they ever stop to stare at all their wonderful things?
"Nice," said Derek from the bed. I blushed a bit embarrassed he'd caught me staring at my ass. I was surprised he was still conscious.
"You should get some sleep," I said before starting in on my makeup.
"How can I sleep without you?"
"I thought you gave that up,"
"Never," he chuckled, "One of these days I will get you to come back to bed."
"What you'll get me is fired." I said shaking my head.
He yawned and then groaned, "Aren't you a manager or something? Can't you make your own schedule?"
"I can and I do."
"So why do you open every fucking weekend?"
"Because no one else likes to and they have families."
"You do too. We're a family." he hissed.
"We are but they have kids, and kids like to do things on the weekend."
"Hmmm," he said. I could hear him plotting away. "So, what you're saying is if we have kids, you'll sleep in with me on the weekends."
I scoffed, "Honey, if we have kids we're probably never sleeping in again."
"Drat." he said, pounding his good fist on the bed.
I checked the time, then got my socks and shoes on. With a few minutes to spare, I went over to the bed and gave him a quick kiss. When I pulled back, he reached out and grasped hold of my arm. He pulled me into the bed for a longer kiss, like I knew he would and I smiled. When I eventually pulled back his smile was even bigger.
"Get some sleep," I said, "Take your medicine and don't forget we have leftover Panja's"
"Not for long," he chuckled.
"Text me if you need anything." I said and left the room.
I grabbed my coat and bag before setting off to work. The new apartment was much closer, I could walk there in maybe twenty minutes or thirty, if I leisurely strolled through the park. The sun was just barely coming out as I locked up and left. There was something about the early morning that always filled me with a sense of calm and magic. I felt like anything was possible in the dawn of a new day.
When I got to work, I clocked in, checked for messages and then began setting up, like I normally did. I baked all our in house pastries and cookies that had been set up the night before. Then brewed the standard coffees and set up for the specialty ones before I checked on supplies. I jotted down a few notes then flipped all the chairs off the tables.
The delivery truck arrived as I was putting out the sugars, straws and napkins. I made small talk with the driver, Tony and signed for the goodies we had shipped in. I unboxed all the goodies, made sure they were all there and up to standards before setting everything up in the display case. I moved a few thing around and changed a few names and prices as needed. Once I was done I turned on the display case lights and gave it a good once over before setting out a few samples.
With a minutes or two to spare, I checked on the bathroom and made sure we had enough toilet paper and soap. Then I did my final walk around. When it was time, I flipped the closed sign to open and turned on the outside and seating area lights. I wrote down our special in chalk, on a sign, then set it up outside with some tables and chairs, making sure to chain everything down. I took a moment to myself then, to look around and breathe in the fresh morning air. There was a lot to opening but I always found myself quite satisfied when I'd finished. I walked back inside, washed my hands and then got behind the counter and waited.
It didn't take long for my first customers to arrive and soon enough things were in full swing. The normal rush of customers came and went. I filled their orders with a smile, cleaning up as I went and made sure to restock when things were slow. Around ten or so I was pleasantly surprised by Polly and her daughters, Mara and Candice. Mara was nearly four now and Candice had just turned two. Polly looked tired, wearing large sunglasses. She had Mara step inside and then pushed a stroller into the cafe, with a sleeping Candice. When they were inside she lifted up a large coffee from the stroller and took a big swig.
I finished wiping down a table and teased, "Who brings coffee to a coffee shop?"
"I do!" she hissed, "You never make mine strong enough. That and I wanted to talk, not watch you work."
"What's up?" I asked and then I remembered last night. "Oh, did Patrick Milner, ever show?"
"No," she said taking a seat at a nearby table. "Total waste of time. And you can tell Derek next time he hangs up on me I'll shove his phone-"
"Mara," I said, cutting her off, "How are you this morning?"
"Fine, thank you," she said. She was always so polite.
"I like your dress," I said, noticing she was wearing a pink jumper with a white overcoat.
"Thank you." she said, "It's my jelly bean dress."
"Jelly bean dress?" I asked, looking to Polly.
"Don't get her started," said Polly sipping her coffee.
Mara smiled up at me, "I keep my jelly beans in the pockets." She took out two tiny handfuls of jelly beans and showed them to me.
"She doesn't eat them," said Polly with a sigh, "She just keeps them."
"Oh, well that's nice." I said, noticing some looked rather old. "Can I get you anything?"
"Donuts," said Mara, happily putting the jelly beans back in her pockets, "Or cupcakes."
"No," said Polly, "You can give her a raisin muffin. It will give her something to play with."
"Okay," I said. I got Mara a raisin muffin as she took a seat at the table. Polly motioned for me to sit down as well.
"I'm working, you know."
"So if anyone gets up you can help them. It's not like the managers are going to walk in on us."
"True." I sat down wondering what she wanted. "Okay, what is it?"
Polly took a deep breath and I just knew it was about HIM. "So, after you left I hung around for a few hours. Billy Corner owns his own boat house and travels the world. Bonnie Tulner also has a bazillion cats, I'm not kidding. She owns like some sort of sanctuary, showed us photos most of the night. You didn't miss much."
"That's good to hear," I said, waiting for her to get to the point. I could read her well.
She licked her lips and sighed, "I didn't talk to 'you know who' but his wife came up to me after a bit."
She intertwined her fingers on the table. "She claimed she knows everything that happened and that he's not the same person anymore. Apparently he got help, completely changed his life, and is now a 'good man'. He works at some bank or something. They just moved here last month."
"Oh," I said, not too excited to know he'd moved here, of all the places in the world. It was enough that he existed on the same planet as me. To be in the same city and have a chance at running into him again, I cringed.
Polly let go of her coffee to take up my hand, "It's okay."
"I know. Was there anything else?" I asked.
She seemed hesitant to continue, "Yes, she was hoping I'd pass on a message."
"What?"
"That he's sorry and would like to apologize."
Her bitter tone matched the taste in my mouth. I hadn't expected this. HE wanted to apologize? That was the last thing I thought he'd want to do if I ever saw him again. We both looked at each other and shook our heads.
"I don't care how much 'help' he got." said Polly, "I doubt anyone could change that much."
"Seriously," I said, still mulling it over. "What did you tell her?"
"I wanted to tell her t off," said Polly, spelling the word out. She glanced at Mara who was happily tearing her muffin apart and scooting the raisins all over the table. I was happy I'd cleaned it off. Polly continued, "But seeing as she was there for her sister and all, I just said I'd pass it on and I have."
"Hmm," I said, sighing.
"Seriously, I don't know what she's expecting. Like you'd forgive his ass in a million years."
"Yeah." I said, "Honestly, I just don't want to think about it, the past, him, any of it."
"That's a good mindset to have," said Polly, proud of me. "You're done with him. Whether he's sorry or not, it doesn't matter."
"It really doesn't," I said.
"So, how's my brother?"
"Good. I got him Panja's,"
"You give him my message?"
"Yes," I said, recalling his reaction, "He had a message of his own but I won't repeat it. When is Denny coming home?"
Polly looked at her watch and then laughed, "Now. We were on our way to pick him up."
Denny had been gone for the last two weeks on a fishing trip with his buddies from the Navy. They tried to do it at least once every year. "And you stopped here?" I said.
"His boat's always late coming in and they have to dock and unload."
"Still, you should get going," I said.
"Yeah, yeah, I will. I just wanted to check in and well, tell you."
"Yeah, thanks," I said.
"I love you, take care of yourself," she said getting up.
"Always," I responded. "I love you too."
She called for Mara and I waved goodbye. I watched them go and then cleaned up Mara's mess. I found one of her jelly beans in the mix and laughed. Then I thought about what Polly had said and what Alison had wanted me to know. I didn't really feel anything about it either way. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but I did wonder if it really was possible for someone to change that much.
/
The next few weeks went on as they normally did. Derek and I slowly finished unpacking the new apartment. Well, I mostly did the unpacking but he offered moral support as his arm recovered. We had dinner at Polly's and Denny showed us some photos from his trip. I didn't think about the reunion or about seeing Roan again. For the most part it graciously fell to the back of my mind. In time I hoped to forget ever seeing him again altogether.
However one Saturday as I was pulling a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven, at work, I heard the bell on the door ring. I went up to the front counter and saw a family had come in. It took me a second to realize it was HIS family. He was wearing a nice leather jacket and had on a green shirt. Again he looked like he'd popped out of a freaking fashion magazine. His wife, Alison, had on a long tan coat and dress. They had two children with them, a boy and a girl who looked close in age.
I breathed in wondering what they were doing here of all places. I recalled Polly telling me that Roan wanted to apologize. I was suddenly filled with dread, wondering if this was it. If Roan had brought his entire family to my cafe so he could apologize. I really hoped not. I swallowed and tried to keep my calm. I reminded myself that I was the manager and needed to remain professional. I forced a smile on my face and tried to greet them as if they were any other customer.
"Hello,"
They greeted me back and their little girl ran up to the display case. She pressed her small face and hands up to the glass and said, "I want a jelly doughnut!" He brother quickly came up beside her, pressing his face against the glass as well and adding, "I want a truck full of jelly donuts!"
I admit, they were adorable. They must have only been four or five. Even if they were HIS kids, it still got a genuine chuckle out of me. Their mother quickly rushed up to them and said, "No, no, hands and face off the glass. It's not nice." She gave me an apologetic look and said, "Sorry,"
"It's fine," I said. "Can I get you anything?" Please, oh please, so that you can just get out of here. I tried to just focus on the wife and the kids and pretend he wasn't even there at all.
"Yes." Alison said after a moment. "Sorry, it's our first time here."
I know...I know and I hope it is your last. I just stood there smiling. I watched Alison look at the menu behind me as the kids continued to talk about how many jelly donuts they would each eat. It was getting up to the size of a planet when Alison seemed to make a decision, "We'll take four jelly donuts,"
"Four," cried the kids, disappointed.
"Now, now, four is plenty," I heard Roan finally speak.
My throat felt like it might collapse in on itself but I managed, "Will that be all?"
"No," she said, licking her lips, "We'll take two small hot cocoas for the kids. I'll have a caramel latte and what kind of cookies are those that I smell?"
"Peanut butter. They're fresh out of the oven."
"We'll take four of those as well," she smiled. I began ringing it up, thinking that might be it but she turned to him and asked, "Honey, what would you like?"
Honey? Someone actually called that monster honey? I cringed internally and almost rang up the cookies wrong.
Roan cleared his throat and I just stared at the register, waiting. "I'll take a large coffee, double cream, double sugar."
I added it to the order and again asked, "Will that be all?"
"Yes." he answered.
I added it all up. "Your total is twenty three eighty seven."
I hoped she was paying but alas I watched her just lean over the display case looking at our various pastries. I bit my lip as he handed me his credit card. Again I didn't look at him, I just reached out and took the card. Our fingers brushed and I jerked my hand back. I tried to play it off like it was normal and quickly slid the card. It cleared and then I handed it back to him. The receipt printed and I instinctively asked, "Would you like your receipt?"
"Yes," he said quietly. The fuck! Who seriously wants their cafe receipt?
I tore it off and again reached in his direction. This time, thankfully, we did not touch. I felt it pull away from my grasp and then I turned sharply, focusing solely on the order at hand. It was a wonder I even remembered it I was so rattled. I felt this surging of adrenaline and tried to calm myself down. I focused on my breathing and repeated the order in my head. Grabbing a bag, I carefully grabbed four jelly donuts. Then I collected four fresh peanut butter cookies in another bag. I closed them both up and set them on the counter. I pulled out a cardboard cup holder and then began mixing the drinks.
Two small hot chocolates for the kids as I was mixing them I swear I could feel his eyes boring into me. Instinctively I looked up and he wasn't even looking at me….talk about paranoia. He was calmly staring out the window with his hands in his pockets rocking on his heels. I focused back on the order. I put the kid's cocoas in the drink holder, then made the caramel latte and his large coffee. As I was pumping the cream I swear I heard Polly hiss. "Spit in it." I smiled to myself but didn't dare do such a thing. I hated him but I loved my job more.
When everything was done I genuinely smiled knowing they would go. Alison stepped up to get the order and smiled back at me. She paused then and looked at me strangely as if she suddenly just realized who I was.
"Oh, it's you!"
I looked at her, confused. Had she seriously not recognized me? Did he not? Surely! I mean they'd come here on purpose right? Yet from her bewildered expression, it was clear it wasn't intentional that, or she could act.
"Yes," I finally responded, "Small world."
"Yes. Do you work here?" she asked. She must have been rattled as well because she'd clearly just saw me working here.
"Yes," I said slowly, "I'm actually the manager,"
"Oh, very cool," she said. It was clear things weren't just awkward for me. She seemed unsure as she shifted her gaze and tried to be polite, "H..How are you?"
"Good," I said trying to be polite back. "And you?"
"We're good." she beamed, "We just moved to the city, so we're scouting out all the best places and getting familiar with the area."
"Ah, yes, this is a pretty cool city," I said. "There is always something to do, especially on the weekends."
"I bet," she said, "We're pretty excited. Do you know any good spots for the kids?"
I swallowed finding my throat dry. It was one thing to be polite but I didn't want to have a full on conversation with her. I didn't want anything to do with her because of HIM. Still, I was working and didn't want to be rude. If she were any other customer I would have suggested something. I chewed on my lip and wracked my brain for something, anything I could suggest, "Um there is a puppet show sometimes in the park." I knew Polly had taken the girls there a few times.
"Oh, thank you," she said. She actually sounded grateful. "We'll have to look into it."
The bell on the door rang and thankfully a large group was making their way in. I watched Roan move and collect his children's' hands so they wouldn't be separated. It was strange, seeing him be someone's dad. For the most part the kids looked healthy and happy and his wife was friendly enough. Again, how…how did someone like HIM end up like this? I had no choice but to admit maybe just maybe he had changed after all.
"Well, it looks like you're getting busy. Maybe we'll see each other around," she said with a smile.
"Maybe," I said, turning away from Roan but I hoped not.
I watched Alison grab the two bags in one hand and the tray of drinks in the other. I wasn't sure if she could manage it all on her own but she did. Roan led the children out of the cafe and then helped his wife carry the drinks. A customer stepped up to my counter, blocking my view of the family. I moved on and proceeded to take the next order.
There was a small rush after that one customer after another. It was kind of nice. It didn't leave me time to think about what had just happened. However my chest felt tight for the rest of the day, even when I got home. I considered telling Derek he'd dropped by but I thought better of it. I knew it would just upset him that it upset me.
I went about my evening and went to bed early. The next morning I woke before my first alarm even went off. Somehow I managed not to wake Derek. I considered leaving without saying goodbye but knew he'd be upset to wake and find I'd just gone. I gently woke him and gave him a kiss goodbye. He quickly fell back asleep and I left for the day.
There was an early morning rush but by mid morning it was pretty slow, which was standard for Sunday. I found myself looking for things to do to keep myself busy. The bell on the door rang and I looked up to see Roan. He was by himself this time and it was just me in the café. I really...REALLY did not want to be alone with him but what choice did I have? He was a customer and as a manager, it was my job to make sure every customer was treated equally. I clenched my teeth and tightening my jaw but managed to fucking smile. It was one shit eating grin, mind you but a grin nonetheless.
He stepped up to me and we made eye contact. His ice blue eyes looked vulnerable behind his thick rimmed glasses, his brow furrowed. He gave me a weak smile and quietly said, "Hello."
I breathed in through my nose, flaring my nostrils but curtly responded, "Hello. A large coffee, two creams, two sugars?"
His smile grew more confident, "Yes, you remembered."
"I remember a lot of things." I said, glaring at him.
His smile weakened once more and his gaze shifted off to the side. I could tell he was uncomfortable. GOOD! GET OUT OF HERE! He shifted his weight, cleared his throat, and then asked, "Do you have a moment?"
"Not really. I am working," I said plainly. If I wasn't working, I wouldn't give him the time of day.
"I well, I was hoping we could speak." He scratched his head, continuing. "About what happened when we were younger. I am not proud of it." He said, shaking his head. "What I did to you, there's no excuse for that."
I breathed in deeply, hearing his words as he spoke carefully. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to burn with rage at the sight of him but he was making things hard. For the first time I found myself conflicted. He admittedly sounded sincere. Standing before me now, he looked more like a man full of regrets than the monster who had tormented me for years. My chest ached as so many emotions rippled through me. My eyes started to water and I shifted my weight uncomfortably. I crossed my arms in front of my chest trying to keep my guard up.
We made eye contact again and he spoke slowly."I am truly sorry, Kiri."
I wiped my eyes not sure how I felt. Some people dreamed of this moment, longed for the day their bully would realize what they had done and apologize. Yet there was so much pain, I'd been carrying so much weight for so long, I didn't realize how much until now as it all boiled to the surface.
I stood there for a long moment trying to hold myself together. He didn't take his eyes off me, waiting for my response. I chewed on my lower lip and took several deep breaths. I knew what I was supposed to say. He wanted to be forgiven but I wasn't sure if I could ever truly do that. I supposed I could say, 'thank you' but the mere thought made me queasy. In the end I simply said, "Alright."
He stood there for a second taking in my response. He repeated it under his breath, "Alright, Alright." He let out a breath of air and nodded. "I want you to know I truly have changed, Kiri. Each and every day, I strive to be better person. After what happened between us I got the help I needed. It allowed me to realize just what I did and I really am no longer that person."
"Okay." I said. I wasn't really sure what else he wanted me to say here. He'd apologized and I accepted. As far as I could see we were done. Yet he looked at me like he expected something more. I shrugged my shoulders and said "I understand and am glad you got the help you needed. I accept your apology."
He just stood there with the strangest look in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it, simply nodding. I nodded back and figured that was that. I remembered he'd ordered coffee so I rang him up. He paid in cash and I gave him his change. Then I made his large coffee, two creams, two sugars. I popped the lid on top and set it down on the counter before him but he didn't take it. He just looked at it and then looked at me."Is there anything, I can do to make up for what I did?"
"What?" I said.
"I, Is there anything I can do to make up for what I did?" He said, earnestly.
Again, I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure what he was looking for here. This...THIS wasn't really something that could be made up. Yet he looked at me eagerly, waiting. I opened and then shut my mouth. I licked my lips and tapped my fingertips on the counter, feeling awkward as fuck. "The apology was enough. The fact that you changed that...that is something."
He wiped his nose and pushed up his glasses. He seemed to be getting frustrated. "Right, right, but I- What I did. I just- I want you to know how sorry I am. I just feel words aren't enough."
No, oh no they weren't, but they would have to do. "It's fine," I said as the door opened, the bell rang and finally, THANKFULLY another customer came in.
"Have a nice day." I said, scooting his coffee closer to him. I gave him another shit eating grin.
He looked pained but reluctantly took his coffee and stepped aside. He stood there for a moment and then took a seat at one of the tables. FOR THE LOVE OF! I found myself internally cursing yet somehow managed to keep my composure. He seemed to be thinking or waiting. I really didn't want to talk to him anymore and tried to focus on the new customer.
I filled their order and then quickly darted into the back. I decided to reorganize all the coffee filters and take inventory yet again. I took my time checking everything twice and thankfully when I came back out front for another customer he was gone. I let out a deep sigh hoping that was it but I had a feeling he'd be back.
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