That night when I got home, I considered telling Derek what had happened yet again but nothing really had, Roan had simply apologized. I know after he'd acted a bit strange. He didn't think his apology was enough but he was probably just surprised I'd actually accepted it. Perhaps he thought I'd be more upset. Honestly I thought I would be too.
If you had asked me before the today, if I would have ever accepted an apology from Roan Attley, I would have thought you were crazy. To be fair he had put me a bit on the spot asking me at work. Still if was over now...I wished there was someone I could talk to about it but I know if I told Polly I had, she'd probably check my temperature to see if I was delirious. I guess seeing him with his family and hearing the sincerity in his voice, I couldn't deny he was different now.
For years now, I'd been trying to move on and let go of the past so that I could focus on the future. Roan was probably just trying to do the same. It was strange empathizing with him. Trying to understand his point of view was almost sickening. All through dinner I found myself lost in thought. Derek kept making silly faces at me and telling lame jokes to get my mood up. I was grateful he didn't ask what was wrong, that he didn't push me or ask me to tell him. When we went to bed that night, he held me closely and I felt oddly calm. Perhaps this was what closure felt like?
The next day I half expected Roan to show up again but graciously he didn't. It was a quiet morning and I didn't have to work it alone. On Monday's I liked to focus on my managerial duties and had my new hire, Jessica, work the counter. I kept an eye on her, helping out every so often. I made up next month's schedule, checked on the payroll checks, accepted new deliveries, went over inventory and threw out any expired products.
Jessica got off at two. I told her she was doing a good job and then worked the counter until Ben arrived at four. He was still in high school but he was my best closer. We closed at eight so he didn't stay out too late. I liked that I could always trust him to clean everything properly and lock up on time.
When I got off I was a bit tired. It was always a long shift on Mondays but I gave myself Tuesdays and Wednesdays off. Of course, I was always on call in case they needed me. There was talk of hiring a second manager but we didn't really need one. At this point, I could handle most things with just four employees. If there was anything I couldn't handle, I knew the cafe owner Bonnie could.
I decided to do some shopping and made spaghetti that night. Though I was tired I found I was in a much better mood knowing I had the next two days off. Derek was also in a nice mood, he kept singing and dancing about. After we ate dinner, we watched movies until bed and even made love that night. It was a bit awkward with his cast. We had to be very careful as it was easy to forget about it in the throes of love.
Thankfully the next day we went to see the doctor and he was able to get the cast removed. The doctor even said he'd healed up quiet nicely. I almost couldn't believe it was already time to get it off. I swear it felt like they'd just put it on him. How had we been living in our new apartment for over a month? With everything that had been going on lately it felt like no time at all. His arm was a bit stiff and smelly once it was off but he was so happy as it had started itch.
We celebrated with dinner and a movie. The next night we went to a party at Polly's. Derek barbecued on the balcony and we stayed out a bit too late and drank way too much. Come Thursday, I was a little hung over but didn't have to be at work until two. I always closed Thursdays and Fridays. Which of course made opening Saturdays and Sundays fun. Derek swore I was a masochist given I made the schedule.
I got to work fifteen minutes early and Brenda said it was pretty slow. She asked if she could take off early and I let her. She quickly clocked out and left. I put my things away in the back and put my apron on. I checked on the status of the coffee and what things I needed to make for the display case. I jotted down what we were running low on, chocolate chip cookies, jelly donuts, crescent rolls and an apple pie. I heard a chair move and realized someone was in the seating area. I hadn't heard anyone come in so they must have already been here. I looked up to see it was Roan.
I failed to hide my disappointment, frowning as he got up from his table and made his way over. I wondered how long he been here. From the looks of his table, I could see several empty bags and two large coffee cups. Had he been waiting for me? The thought unsettled me. I wish I hadn't sent Brenda home so quickly now. Perhaps I could have asked her how long he'd been here. If not at least I'd have had another person with me.
While I frowned at the sight of him, he smiled. He seemed to be in a good mood as he cheerfully said, "Hello."
"Hello." I said flatly. I had a feeling I might see him again but had hoped not so soon. It was getting a little ridiculous at this point. He'd apologized and I'd accepted. We were done. So why, oh why, was he here?
"How are you today?" he asked.
"What do you want now?" I asked getting straight to the point. I wasn't going to be polite this time.
He stopped in front of the counter and said, "I wanted to finish our conversation from the other day."
I let out a heavy sigh, folding my arms in front of me, "I thought we did."
"No." he said, "You never told me what I could do to make things up to you."
"As I recall I said it was fine. Your apology was enough."
"It isn't." he insisted.
I breathed in deeply, finding myself beyond annoyed. "We went over this the other day as far as I am concerned, the matter is closed. I'm not going to do this again. I am working."
"We could talk after. When do you get off?"
FUCK NO! NO! NO! No! There was no way I was telling him when I got off work. I didn't want him waiting for me like when we were kids. I didn't want to see him outside the cafe. I didn't want to see him at all. "No," I said clearly, "I would prefer we didn't associate."
He looked at me confused, like he didn't understand why. Then he looked hurt and took a step back from the counter. He ran his hand over his mouth and looked off to the side for a second thinking before he stepped back up to the counter. "I apologized, Kiri. I told you I've changed. I got treatment but I can't move on until I make amends for what I did to you. Please." he pleaded desperately, "Let me make it up to you."
I let out another heavy sigh. I could see he really, really wanted to make it up to me. I wondered if this was part of his treatment plan. I recalled something about alcoholics, when they were working their steps, I think one of them was supposed to be, apologizing to the people they'd hurt and making up for their past misdeeds. Maybe he was a recovering alcoholic? I didn't know. I didn't know a lot of things about him but I didn't want to. Still, I had to do something to get him to leave me the fuck alone.
"Okay," I spat dropping my arms to my sides. "What do you think would be enough? What would make things right between us?"
He smiled back at me and excitedly asked "Well what do you like?"
"What do I like?" I said furrowing my brow.
"Yes what makes you happy? I'm very happy and want you to be happy as well. I know I've caused you so much pain, I figure if I can make you happy perhaps that would make amends."
I struggled not to scoff at the mere insinuation that HE could ever make me happy and said, "Thank you but I am perfectly happy."
He loudly scoffed like he didn't believe me.
"Okay." I said rolling my eyes. "Whatever."
"Look! Perhaps we could do something together." he said putting his hands on the counter. "We could get to know each other. Who we are now. Maybe see a movie, have dinner and in time, maybe even become friends."
I couldn't help it, I burst into laughter right then and there. Was this a joke? Was he being serious? He wanted me to spend TIME with him! Did he actually think I would even and that we could, ever, EVER in a million, bazillion years become friends? He looked at me as if he meant every word.
I shook my head and looked at him as if he were crazy before I bitterly responded "I have enough friends."
"No one can ever have enough," he said smiling back at me.
I shook my head again seriously, dumbfounded, "Are you seriously kidding me, you want to be friends? Fucking friends!"
His smile widened and it sickened me. It reminded me of when we were kids. I recognized him now. I could see that cruel and twisted grin of his that had haunted my nightmares. Oh, he was clearly fucking with me, he had to be orhe was delusional, either way it enraged me!
"Get the fuck out!" I said losing it. I knew this wasn't professional but I couldn't help it. I felt like my skin was on fire and I just wanted him to go away.
"Kiri,"
"NO!" I shouted and made myself very clear, "YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY, IF YOU THINK AFTER EVERYTHING YOU DID TO ME THAT WE COULD EVER BE FRIENDS!"
His eyes lit up and he shook his head, "AH HA! I KNEW IT! YOU DON'T FORGIVE ME! YOU DON'T ACCEPT MY APOLOGY!"
He pointed at me like he'd caught me in a lie. WAIT! Was this all some fucking test. I pulled back from the counter crossing my arms again. "I did. I did accept your apology but wanting to be friends that's asking to much!"
"It's not!" he spat back upset "If you forgive me, really TRULY forgive me, for what I did to you, then why can't we be friends?"
I was beyond exasperated with him. Seriously! What was his deal? What didn't he seem to get. I wanted nothing to do with him!
"I'm serious, Kiri." he said with a look of determination "This is important to me! I want to make it up to you. I want to set a good example for my children. I want them to know that when you do something wrong and hurt someone, you take responsibility for your actions and do all you can to make up for it!"
I just stood there staring at his self-righteous ass. He wasn't fucking with me. He was trying to be an "example" for his kids! He seriously wanted to be friends. He seriously thought he could fix things between us. I closed my eyes and apologized. "I am sorry, Roan. I accept your apology but we can't be friends. Not now or ever, there is just too much, too. There are some things you can't fix, please accept this."
"NO! You have to let me try," he insisted, "I won't give up!"
I opened my eyes as the bell on the door rang and a couple of women came in laughing. They paused when they saw Roan and me staring at one another. They must have picture up on the tension. I looked at Roan and pleaded with him, "Please just go and don't come back."
He gave me an intense look but said nothing. He just shoved his hands in his pockets, turned and left without another word. The women looked at each other and then asked if I was okay. I wasn't. I really wasn't. I was stressed out and on the edge of tears but I held them back. Somehow I held myself together. I just... I needed him to go. I knew he was sorry. I knew he'd changed and wanted to set a good example for his children but every time I saw him it just brought on all this pain.
I forced myself to smile and apologized to the women, "Yes, I'm sorry, I'm fine really. What can I get you?"
The women looked at each other again. I could see they didn't believe me but thankfully they didn't push it. They stepped up to the counter and gave me their order. I quickly filled it. When they left I cleaned up Roan's mess and then got to work on, making all the food we were low on. It kept me busy for which I was grateful. I knew I needed to do something about Roan now, especially if he wouldn't get the message and leave me alone. I needed to come up with a plan of action. However at this point there was nothing I could do but get through my shift.
If felt like forever but eventually I was able to close up and head home. I walked home slowly, knowing it was time to tell Derek. I considered talking to Polly about it first but she'd just tell him anyway so I might as well be the one to tell him. I just... I had wanted to handle things on my own this time. I didn't want Derek to think of me as that kid who needed protecting. I knew I could take care of myself but I also knew I needed help, advice. I couldn't have Roan coming by every other night wanting to be...ugh friends. I'd exploded at work and that was something I could not do.
Maybe I could- I paused noticing someone had stepped out of the alleyway and was blocking my path. I'd been so focused on my thoughts that's I'd completely zoned out. Before I could react, a bouquet of blue roses was practically shoved in my face. I looked at them and then to the one holding them. Roan stood there sheepishly, smiling at me. "These are for you. I know they are your favorite, you used to draw them all the time in your notebooks"
In my notebooks... the ones he used to steal, after chasing me home from school. I stood there, frozen as flashbacks of him ripping my bag away flooded my mind. My heart began to thunder in my chest and alarm bells sounded in my head.
Somehow I managed to stumbled back and stammer. "Wwwwhat are you-"
"I'm sorry about upsetting you earlier." he said still holding up the roses.
I barely took in his words as I was struck with such panic. Seeing him here and now, it was too much. At work, with the counter between us, I'd been able to maintain some sense of security. But out here in the dark on my way home.
He stepped closer, noticing my distress, "Kiri, are you okay? I'm sorry if I frighten-"
I couldn't think, I lashed out uncontrollably, shoving him away from me. It might have been an overreaching but in that moment I didn't care. I pushed him as hard as I could. He stumbled back like when we were kids but caught himself. Without a word I turned and ran off. Normally I didn't like to go through the park at night but in this case, it was safer then the sidewalks.
I ran as fast and hard as I could, not slowing for a second. I kept expecting to hear footsteps behind me and feel his arms wrap around me as he tackle me to the ground. I shuddered at the thought and it made me run even faster. By the time I got home I was winded. I panted, practically stumbling into the elevator door. I pushed my floor and made sure the doors closed behind me. Then I fell back against the elevator wall, trembling.
I...I couldn't live like this. I could feel it happening all over again. When the doors opened I stumbled to my door. I struggled with the key and then quickly got inside, shutting the door behind me. Derek was on the couch, playing a video game and enjoying the full use of his arm, once more. When I walked in what had happened must have been all over my face.
He dropped his controller and got up from the couch. He rushed over to me and asked, "What's wrong?"
"Do we have any juice?" I asked, making my way to the kitchen table.
"I...uh, I think so," he said before quickly rushing to the fridge.
I threw my bag down on the table and pulled out a chair from under it. I took off my coat feeling overheated and sat down as he poured me a cold glass of apple juice. As soon as he set it on the table I drank the entire glass.
"Kiri," he asked, growing impatient with my lack of answers.
"I'm sorry," I said, still feeling like I was running. "I just... I ran the whole way home."
He pulled out a chair from under the table, turned it and sat on it backwards. He raised an eyebrow looking me over and asked. "Why did you run home? Was someone chasing you?"
"No, I don't think so." I said. I really hoped not. I didn't want him to know where I lived. "Could you just give me a minute and I'll tell you everything."
He nodded and then waited for me to calm down. After a few seconds he took up one of my hands and started massaging it. When I'd settled down some I quietly began, "You know how...how I saw Roan at the reunion a few week ago?"
"Yeah," he said slowly. I could feel him tense up immediately as he realized this had something to do with Roan. "Did he do something to you?"
"Would you just listen?" I said. I didn't mean to get snappy but I wanted him to know all of it before he got too upset. "I don't know if Polly told you but his wife, Alison, approached her at the reunion and said he wanted to apologize to me."
Derek scoffed and pulled back shaking his head as Polly and I had.
I continued "Well, last Saturday, he and his family came into the cafe."
"And you didn't tell me?!" said Derek, raising his voice.
"I...I don't think it was on purpose." I said, trying to calm him down, "I don't think they even knew I worked there. Nothing happened. They just ordered something and left."
He looked at me intently knowing there was more.
"Well, the next day he came back by himself," Derek squeezed my hand. "And he apologized."
"Did you tell him to eat shit?"
"No," I said, trying to explain, "He...He sounded very sincere and I was at work and after seeing him with his family I just, I said, alright."
"Okay," said Derek. I could see he was confused by my response.
"I just, I'm tired of holding onto it." I said, "I just want the past to stay in the past and move on."
"You don't need to explain your reasoning to me." he said, calming down some. "It's your choice." I squeezed his hand, grateful that even if he didn't agree with me, he still supported me. He continued."But what does any of this have to do with you running home?"
"I'm getting there." I said. "After I accepted his apology, it wasn't enough for him. He told me he doesn't think words are enough. They aren't but I told them they were. I just wanted him to go and he did after some customers came in."
"And you still didn't tell me?"
"I'm sorry I didn't come to you sooner. I thought I could. I wanted to handle this myself."
He rubbed his jaw but didn't say anything. I continued "Well, when I started my shift today he was already there. I think he might have been waiting for me but I don't know. He wanted to finish our conversation and I told him it was over as far as I was concerned but he kept insisting, he needs to do something more, to make amends. I told him it wasn't really something he could fix but he's determined to try."
Derek raised his eye brow once more and ask "And how's that?"
"He wants to make me happy."
"By leaving you the fuck alone?"
"No. He wants us to hang out and get to know each people we are now. He wants to be friends."
"What the fuck!" Derek said more to himself than to me. I could see his jaw tighten with anger "Please tell me, this time you told him to fuck off."
"I did! I sort of lost it and yelled at him. I made it very clear that wasn't ever going to happen."
"Good," said Derek nodding, "Then what happened?"
"Well some customers came in and I asked him to leave and not come back."
"Good. That's right," he said giving my hand another squeeze "You should have said that from the beginning. He has no right to talk to you, apology or not, he needs to leave you alone."
"I know," I said, looking off to the side. "But he swears, he's just trying to set a good example for his kids."
"HEY" said Derek. He jerked my hand and made sure I was looking him in the eyes. "You are not some example to set, some fucking lesson for his kids. He's still making this about himself. If he was really serious about making amends, he'd leave your ass alone and never bother you again. He can find some other fucking example for his kid. Now again, what happened to get you running home?"
I bit my lip but finally told him "Well tonight, when I was on my way home, he showed up out of nowhere, with flowers. It reminded me of how he used to wait for me after school and I freaked out. I pushed him and ran the whole way home."
"That son of a bitch!" said Derek. He took his hand from mine and ran both his hands through his hair, thinking. I could tell he was really pissed off now. "You made yourself clear. You told him to leave you alone and he keeps bothering you. This is gonna stop right here and now!"
"That would be nice." I said but worried it was only the beginning.
"It will be nice," insisted Derek, getting to his feet. He began to pace around in the kitchen. "You're done talking to him!" said Derek. He stopped mid pace and turned to me. "From this moment on if he approaches you, shut him down, immediately! Don't talk to him no matter what he says. If he comes into the cafe, you kick him out. It's your right to refuse service to anyone and you're the manager. If he won't leave, then you call me or the police. Make it damn clean you won't stand for this!"
"I…"Now that I had calmed down some. I wasn't sure if we were overreacting. He'd only approached me three times. Well four, if I counted the time with his family but he was with his-
"KIRI," shouted Derek getting my attention, "We're shutting this down right now before it escalates."
"Okay," I said. I wasn't in the mood to argue and I'd already failed. I'd told him to go away twice and yet he'd still surprised me tonight.
"Kiri," he said, hearing my uncertainty. He dropped down on his knees before me and took up my hands in his. "This isn't on you. He might be trying to make amends but that doesn't mean you have to let him into your life."
"Right," I said, "I just, I don't want to make this a whole thing."
"He's making it a thing by not leaving you alone."
"I know. It's just he's changed-"
"No! People like him don't change, Kiri" said Derek, "He's just got a new angle. If he approaches you again, get somewhere safe and call me, Polly or the police. You don't have to talk to him. You don't have to have anything to do with him anymore."
I nodded then bit my lip before saying . "I just want him to go away."
"And he will," said Derek. He brushed a strand of loose hair from my face and then pulled me in for a hug. He held me tight, for a few minutes and then said, "Why don't you go take a hot bubble bath and let me make you dinner?"
"Mmm, what frozen dinner will it be?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood. I knew he didn't like to cook.
He pulled back from me, faking offense, "I'll have you know I can use an oven."
"The dinner will still be frozen for the oven."
"True but pizza, is still pizza frozen or not"
"Hmmm, when did we get pizza?" I asked. Pizza did sound nice.
He let go of me and got to his feet. He opened the fridge and pulled out my favorite pizza from the freezer. He spun around with it once and then set it down on the counter. "Believe it or not, I can shop, madam"
"Oh. la la," I said. "You are quite handy, aren't you?"
"Yes," he said. "For the pizza is not all that I got thee,"
"Really?" I said, getting up from my chair.
He winked at me and then grabbed one of our wineglasses. I raised an eyebrow as he opened the fridge again and poured something. When he shut the fridge he had a wine glass full of chocolate milk.
I gasped pleasantly surprised and went to him, "A man after my own heart."
"Always," he said. "Allow me to test its quality, madam."
He brought the glass close to his mouth like he might take a sip but I took it from him, "No, no, I trust you chose a good vintage." I took a sip, laughed and then said, "I love you."
"I love me too," he teased, "Oh, and you as well. Now go to the bath so you can be out when your pizza is oven fresh."
I turned and dramatically rushed off down the hall with my wine glass. I made myself a hot bubble bath and slowly sipping my chocolate milk. I hadn't looked forward to telling Derek about Roan but was glad I had now. It hadn't gone as bad as I thought it might. I needed to remember I wasn't alone. I had people who loved me and things, things would never be like they had been before. Derek was right, just because Roan wanted to make amends didn't mean I had to let him into my life. I smiled to myself, closed my eyes and laid back, relaxing for the first time all day. |
