Gwyne woke to sunlight pouring through large, unfamiliar, windows. The last thing she could recall was the carnival... no walking back to the truck. Yeah, they had gotten back to the truck and had a heavy talk. Then she turned on some music and curled up at his side. She'd looked out the window, at the headlights, on an endless road, and only meant to close her eyes for a second. She'd felt so safe and peaceful that she must have drifted off to sleep.
She stretched and rolled about in the bed. She found the stuffed animal Corrie had won her last night. He must have put it next to her while she slept. He also must have undressed her as she found she was naked. The blanket felt so nice and clean. They must have arrived at the cabin. She looked at the large windows, then rolled on her back and saw a skylight above the bed. Oh she wished she had stayed awake so she could have seen the stars last night, but she quickly realized she'd get another chance tonight, and the next night. She smiled happy to be here…somewhere, anywhere that wasn't with Dawson.
The nightmare still ebbed at the back of her mind. It didn't feel as powerful as yesterday, but she still felt unsettled. She sat up in bed and yawned. She had no idea what time it was, but the sky was so bright and beautiful. The clouds were just perfect. She laid back down, realizing she could just lay here, and watch the them go by. She had nothing she needed to do, and no place she needed to be. She let out a pleasant sigh as she watched the clouds and wished her place had a skylight. Of course she was on the second floor so it wouldn't look out onto the sky but her upstairs neighbors apartment. She laughed as she imagined it, then lifted her hand and let the sunlight pour through her fingers.
After a while, she let out a pleasant sigh, and decided it was time to get up and look around. She sat up again and ran her fingers through her hair. She yawned then stretched before getting to her feet. She heard noises coming from outside, and saw some balcony doors. She opened them and found she was on the second floor as she stepped outside. The noises she'd heard were from Corrie chopping wood.
She smiled then leaned over the balcony railing, and watched him work for a few minutes. From where she was, she had the perfect view of him. He was shirtless, only wearing his jeans and boots. His muscles were well defined, from working, and his skin glistened with sweat in the sun. She watched him put chunks of wood, on a slab, then chop them into pieces. Every so often, he'd pick up the pieces, and stack them along the side of a shed. She watched him set up another chunk of wood, and chop it into pieces, in one solid swing. He was strong and looked so hot right now. She couldn't help but give him a sexy whistle.
He looked up and smiled, when he saw her, "Morning, sleepyhead!"
"Morning," she said going into a big stretch.
She lifted her arms into the air as far as they would go and moved to stand on the tips of her toes, stretching everything out. She heard a few snaps and cracks, then a light breeze caressed her skin. She realized she was naked again. She looked around, a little worried someone might have seen her, but the view was breathtaking. There was a large lake, and trees as far as the eye could see. She saw a house or two, but they were far enough away that they pretty much had the area to themselves.
She smiled, then leaned back over the balcony railing, and said, "The view is amazing!"
"Yeah, I can't complain." said Corrie looking up at her. He gave her a big grin.
She scoffed at him, then asked "Did you take my clothes off, or did I?"
"I thought you'd be more comfortable." said Corrie setting up another chunk of wood.
"Really, aren't I suppose to make you work for it." she teased.
"Hey, I was respectful and nice. I could have woke you, but instead I carried you up to bed, got you comfortable, and even tucked you in. And I'm working now, aren't, I chopping firewood so we can have a nice fire, tonight,"
"Oh my." she said putting her hand to her chest, "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said. Then gave her another big grin, before he chopped the chunk of wood, into pieces.
She covered her nipple rings as she realized the sunlight was reflecting off them. She looked down at them, for a second, and realized for the first time, they were different from the ones she normally wore. They had little blue stones on them, matching her clit ring. She gasped and panicked for a second she, worrying they wouldn't be able to come off, like her clit ring. However, she was able to undo one, and let out a sigh of relief. She left it on, and couldn't help but wonder, when Dawson had changed them out.
She groaned then told herself it didn't matter. She didn't want to think about him right now, or fuck, ever again. She hoped this feeling would last, and that when they went back, she really would be done, but she didn't trust herself. She let out a heavy sigh, and closed her eyes, trying to push it all away. She didn't want it to ruin her time here.
She looked around once more, and smiled at the beauty of this place. She made a vow to herself, right here and now, to be present, for however long they were here. She didn't want to think about the past, and definitely not the future. She nodded then looked down at Corrie again as he was setting down another chuck of wood.
"How long have you been at this? Did you chop down an entire tree or what?"she called out.
"A tree or two," he said, then swung his ax.
"Are you allowed to do that?"
"Certain ones, yes, I did some time in forestry, in college. Did I tell you that."
"No, I don't think so. I thought were born a firefighter."
"I was but needed some certifications, and my uncle suggested I take a few college courses. Did you know if you take enough, they give you a degree."
"Wowee." she said. "Knew that already, remember I went for like a semester...well almost."
"Maybe you could go back." Corrie suggested.
"And study what?"
"Whatever you wanted. What were you originally going for?"
"I was just glad to be going at all. I don't even remember, right now. What time is it anyway?
"Let's see." he said looking around. "It's day."
She fake applauded. "So helpful!"
"I don't know. I got up at sunrise." He said then looked for the position of the sun. "It's about noon, maybe later."
"You could have woken me."
"Nah, I had a bunch of boring shit to do."
"Like?"
"Well, we aren't staying her for free. I'm suppose to fix some things up."
"Like?"
"That's what I was looking at this morning. I wandered around the property and made a list of what needs doing, and what needs getting, then I started working on firewood and after that, well here you are."
"Busy morning. Aren't we suppose to be getting away from all the hustle and bustle of the city?"
"We are. This here is relaxing lake house work."
"Right. Work is still work. You need me to do anything?"
"Yeah, but you're probably not going to want to."
"Try me! What do you need me to do?"
"Relax."
She waited for him to continue, when he didn't, she wondered just how hard this task was, if he needed her to be calm before he told her. "I'm good. I'm calm. Now what is it?"
"I just said it, that's it." he said. "Relax. R...E...L...A...X! You looked completely overwhelmed yesterday, and I just want to make sure you get some actual rest."
"Says you, who never rests!"
"I rest, in different ways."
"Right. Tell you what, I'll 'relax' if you do." She put her hands up before he could speak, then continued "At least some time. I know you always have to be doing something so give me an hour a day, where you're just chill."
"An hour." he said rubbing his jaw. "I think I could manage that."
"Really."
"Yeah!"
"Okay, you need anything else?" she asked "Coffee, breakfast,q or I suppose lunch."
"Nah I'm good, feel free to finish waking up and look around."
"Oh I plan to," she said. "I can already tell this place is something else."
"Really?" he said
"Yeah the air, light, lake, woods and you. All of it feels like a dream. I feel like I'm dreaming right now."
"Well don't worry, you wont wake up any time soon, so have fun dreaming."
"Oh I will," she said giving him a big smile.
She blew him a kiss, before she turned and walked inside. This time he gave her a sexy whistle. She laughed as she shut the balcony doors behind her. She looked around some more, and found out the bedroom was a loft. She took a small staircase down to the first floor, and saw a large open room. It doubled as a living room and kitchen, and had a gorgeous fireplace. The bathroom was directly under the bedroom. It had a long counter, with double sinks, a big claw foot tub and a walk-in shower.
The guy who owned this place must have been rich. When Corrie had told her where they were going, she'd imagined some small shack in the woods, not these nice digs. There was another skylight above a couch set, that sat in front of the fireplace. She watched the clouds pass for a few minutes then found her bag. She threw on some jeans and a half shirt.
Her stomach rumbled so she looked for something to eat in the kitchen. They had plenty of dishes and beer, but no actual food. She wondered if Corrie knew that. She grabbed herself a glass of water and it tasted great. She took it with her as she went outside. She immediately regretted not having shoes on. Her feet weren't used to the gravel and woods chips. She dashed back inside, dropped the glass of water off in the kitchen, then put on some shoes before she ventured out once more.
She found the cabin had a nice overhang. There were some chairs under it, along with a hot tub, covered by a tarp. She checked it out and saw it was empty. She wasn't sure if it was broken or not. It had been a while since she'd been in a hot tub, and it would be nice to get in a soak or two, while they were here.
She saw a nice garage and some large trees. In the distance, there was a long dock that led out onto the lake. She walked up to it, and saw a rowboat was tied to it. She watched it bob up and down, in the water, for a few seconds. She liked the sound it made when it hit the dock. It was peaceful.
Some light pierced through the threes, and a gust of wind made the leaves sway. The breeze felt nice, honestly this whole place felt nice. She kept thinking it wasn't real. It was just too perfect. She'd grown up in the city, and spent most her life there. The only time she had really ventured out, was when Tawnie and her, went on their sexcapades. All this nature, reminded her of a few festivals they'd gone to, deep in the woods. They would party all night and wake up to such splendor. She took in a deep breath, thinking she had definitely needed this...something different.
She came around the cabin full circle and saw Corrie was stacking some firewood. "Who did you say your friend was again?"
"An older guy, he used to work at the firehouse. He retired a few years after I started, and became a building inspector, invested well."
"Yeah he did," she said looking around again.
"Let me finish up here, and we'll drive into town for some supplies. I need to get some stuff to start making repairs.
"Yeah and some food," she said, "Did you know there isn't any? It's just all the beer you could ever dream of."
"Indeed," he said with a smirk, she had a feeling he'd already had some.
She yawned then stretched and said, "Well I'm in no rush, take your time, let me know if I can do anything, while I "relax."
"Sure will." He chuckled.
She watched him chop wood for a bit, and wondered how much he thought they needed? Just how long were they staying here? After a while, she walked around the place some more, and ventured out onto the dock. The water was so clean and calm. She took in a deep breath, thinking everything here was just so beautiful. She couldn't imagine this being her life, everyday out here amongst nature. It was also weird to think everywhere used to be like this, until it wasn't. She couldn't imagine her city as a forest.
She watched several birds fly overhead, and lifted her arms up into the air, like she could also take flight. A gust of wind suddenly blew across the water. It was strange she somehow felt connected to it. Like she could just cast out her hand and the wind would follow. She did just that and watched as the water was no longer calm. It rippled as the wind picked up more and more.
She spun about, and the wind whipped around her lifting her hair. It all felt so magical. She must have been caught in a draft of something. She looked up at the sky, and paused, when she saw the clouds were beginning to swirl above her. She stopped spinning, and worried a storm might be coming, but the clouds quickly dispersed. The sky and water were calm once more. She listened to the birds, and watched some deer take a drink, before she slowly headed back down the dock.
Corrie smiled, when he saw she had returned, "You look like you're enjoying yourself."
"I am." she said walking over to him. "It's weird. I feel so light and free right now."
"Its the air! It can be intoxicating. It's so fresh and clean." He breathed in deeply. "There is nothing quite like it. They say you need good sleep, good food and fresh water, but fresh, clean air, is also vital."
"I guess I never realized how much." said Gwyne. She looked around then asked "Are you sure I can't help stack wood or something? I'd like to help."
"You got any work gloves?"
She ran her hands over her jeans, "I don't even have pockets babe."
He chuckled and beckoned for her to come over. She walked up to him, and he wrapped his arms around her. They shared a quick, delightful kiss, then he pulled his work gloves out of his back pocket, and handed them to her, "You can use mine."
She slid them on, and realized just how much bigger his hands were then hers. She didn't really notice as their hands fit so perfectly together, when they held hands. She looked around, then went over to the nearest piece of wood. She carefully picked it up by one end, and walked it over to the wood pile, against the shed. Corrie watched her place it and sighed. He picked up five pieces with ease and brought them over.
She smirked when she saw him, and hissed, "Show off."
He smiled back at her, then showed her how to properly stack the wood so that it wouldn't fall over. She nodded, and was reminded of when he'd taught her how to ride a motorcycle. Again she liked the way he taught. If he wasn't so in love with firefighting he definitely would have made a good instructor.
He went back to chopping wood and she picked up two pieces on her next go. After four of five trips, she even managed three at one point. They were decent sized pieces at that, and her stacking skills were pretty decent. She felt like she was actually helping and getting a work out to boot.
Eventually Corrie put the ax in the chopping block and said, "I think we're good."
"So how long is this suppose to last us?" she asked, taking off his gloves. She had an itch on her nose that she was just dying to scratch.
"Should last us until were ready to head back."
"So forever!" She said with a big grin.
He chuckled then put an arm around her giving her forehead a kiss. "Maybe a week or two at best."
"We could always chop more!" she said excitedly.
"We could." he said, "Maybe next time I'll let you handle the ax."
"You'd seriously trust me with an ax?" she asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah," he said, then paused and added "After I showed you how to use it, of course."
"Of course," she chucked, then rolled her eyes, "Your funeral."
"What! You can't be that bad at it."
"I'm just saying me and heavy equipment, don't mix."
"An ax isn't heavy equipment, besides you handled the motorcycles just fine."
"Motorcycles are an exception, but an ax is heavy, at least for me. I draw the line at anything more then a blender."
"An ax is probably safer and easier to handle then a blender."
"You keep that opinion until you see me swing it. I'd much rather have a blender swung at me then a massive blade on the end of big stick."
He paused, picturing it for a moment, then shook his head and said. "I swear you are so silly sometimes."
"Sometimes, I guess you need to spend more time with me." she teased.
"I guess I do." He said.
He gave her this look, and she didn't know what kind it was. It seemed new, yet familiar somehow. His eyes were brighter, and his smile was fuller. It made her feel as if everything were made of light. She couldn't resist leaning in and kissing him. It was a soft gentle kiss. After a few seconds, they pulled apart slightly, only to linger over each others lips, and kiss again. This time they didn't part for a good minute, and she felt this sudden rush of elation.
When they parted, he brushed something out of her hair and asked "You feel any better?
"Yeah," she said. "A lot. Thanks"
"For what?"
"For this?"
"You don't have to keep thanking me, if anything it's my pleasure." He wrapped his arms around her.
"About that view, we were discussing earlier." she said.
"Yeah?"
"I can't complain," she smirked, then pulled back taking in his muscular arms and chest.
He laughed, "Let me shower and change, then we'll go into town."
"Can I join you?" she asked, drawing a finger down his chest.
"You're not that dirty."
"Or really?" She bent down, and dipped her fingers into some mud, before smearing it onto her face, "Now I am."
He chuckled, then shook his head and grabbed her around the waist. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up!"
He lifted her up, and over his shoulder, and she squealed with delight as he carried her into the cabin. They went to the bathroom and quickly undress, getting into the shower. It was so much bigger and nicer then hers. She couldn't help but think how cramped it had been, when they'd made love after that storm. She paused for a second, thinking that felt like it was ages ago, but it really wasn't. Just a lot… "A LOT" had happened in between. She had done "a lot" of people. She groaned and tried not to think about it.
Instead she admired the shower. The shower head was directly above them, and was like a waterfall. She realized after a second or two, there were no walls and that the entire bathroom was just one big shower. She laughed thinking it might be bigger then Dawson's, if that were possible. She shuttered then, thinking of him again. She quickly purged him from her mind as she washed Corries back and arms.
After a minute or so they switched, and Corrie soaped her up. As he ran his hands over her, he got a closer look at her body. It had been dark, when he'd undressed her, and he'd noticed some makeup on his hands afterwards, but hadn't thought much of it. However, now he could see it was all over her body. He soon saw what it was covering up as it washed away. He'd noticed some marks and bruises before, but this was beyond what he ever could have imagined.
Gwyne noticed Corrie had stopped lathering her up. Her eyes were closed, and her back was to him. She opened her eyes and turned to see he was looking at her. She looked down, and gasped realizing she'd forgotten about all the makeup. It could take some water, but not a full on shower. It was all washing off! She tried to pull away, but Corrie grabbed her wrist...harder then he ever had. He wasn't letting her get away!
"GWYNE!" Corries voice shook with anger, and his eyes grew intense as he demanded, "WHAT IS THIS!"
She bit her lip then swallowed before she tried to play it down, "It's nothing really."
He glared at her, then suddenly his eyes widened as he noticed something. He reached out and rubbed the makeup from her face as it fell away, his eyes looked pained.
"Gwyne." he choked with emotion. He let go of her, and looked like he was going to be sick as he pulled back.
It gutted her...to have him look at her like this. She froze like a deer caught in headlights. She had no idea what she was going to say, 'Oh this...well this is from me fucking a bunch of men, in a public restroom. We got more then a little rough.' The soul-crushing look he was giving her, was getting to be too much. She couldn't look at him. She turned away knowing she had to say something.
She bit her lip again then went for it. "I- This- I know it looks bad, but it's nothing really."
"This is nothing." he said quietly. She almost couldn't hear him over the shower.
"It doesn't hurt, honest." she said "I know it looks bad, but it's really not!"
"How! How is this not BAD! Look at yourself in the mirror Gwyne." he said pulling back even more.
She had looked. She knew what she looked like. She wondered how he'd react, if she told him she'd seen worse. The day of her 'photoshoot' she'd been seriously jacked up. She turned away from him, not wanting to think about it, let alone talk about it. "Please can we just-"
"NO!" he said, refusing to let her shut down this time. This had to be the worst it had ever been. If he didn't address this here and now, he worried they might never address it. "I want to know what's going on, Gwyne. I need to understand!
"Understand," she repeated her eyes getting misty. "I don't even, really understand it, sometimes. I...like it rough."
"This is more then fucking rough and you know it!" He spat.
"Alright, I'm a masochist!"
"Since when?"
"For a while now, I guess" She said rubbing her hand up and down her arm.
"For a while now." he repeated, furrowed his brow. "Before or after this married guy?"
She perked up, knowing this wasn't going to sound great, "After."
"Does he hit you? Did he do this to you?"
Corrie looked at her with such intensity. He was practically shaking with fury. She hook her head, "No. You don't understand. I did this to myself."
"Gwyne." he said reaching out for her. She pulled back, not wanting to be touched right now. Her skin suddenly felt like it was on fire. He pulled his hands back, but went on, "I've heard this before, you're not alone. A lot of people feel like this is their fault but it-"
"I'm not an abuse victim! Trust me it's not like that. I could leave whenever I wanted, but I didn't want to. I chose to stay. I stayed because...it feels good. I like this."
"You can't even tell me what THIS is!"
"Cause I know you wont get it! I wanted him to hurt me! I wanted him to wreck me!"
"Wreck you?" his eyes went wide again, "How long have you been feeling like this? Have you had a lot of these thoughts?"
Great he was on to suicide now! She could see he was scrambling, using his go to guidebook on how to handle this, but she wasn't a victim of abuse, or suicidal. She was just a crazy, sexed out freak! No she knew that wasn't it either! She never wanted to have this conversation with him or anyone. It was hard for her to explain...even to herself.
"Can we just not! I'm ending it, okay! I'm not going to see him anymore! Everything, my nightmare and yesterday's talk, I'm done, okay. I've been wanting to end things for a while now, and I'm going to. Can we just leave it at that!" He looked at her shaking his head. "Please," she pleaded, grabbing hold of his arm, "Can we please just go back to relaxing."
"HOW!" He snapped, pulling his arm from her. "HOW CAN I RELAX GWYNE, WHEN I KNOW SOMEONE HAS BEEN HURTING YOU!"
"No one's been hurting me, things just got out of control. They went too far and I'm ending it. I swear to you, this is not abuse!"
"If it was? Would you even tell me?"
"I would!" she lied, knowing she wouldn't. She'd want to handle it on her own.
"Does Tawnie know about this shit?"
"She does." It was only a half-lie. Tawnie knew about Dawson... just not everything.
"And she's okay with this? Your best friend is okay with this?"
"She knows I'm into fucked up shit!" She shrugged.
"Into fucked up shit. So tell me that burn on your ass, were you really 'drunk' was it an 'accident' or was it you being a masochist?"
"No," she said quietly looking of to the side.
"No what, to which one? All of it?"
"Please."
"TELL ME!" he demanded, "TELL ME, GWYNE!"
She felt like she was going to be sick, "He sprung it on me okay! He thought I'd like it. I didn't but-"
"What did he do? How did he burn you?"
She bit her lip. She kept telling herself this wasn't bad, but that was...this was so bad. She closed her eyes, and shook her head "I can't"
"Why not?"
"You'll take it out of context!"
"Gwyne" He grabbed onto the side of her arms and shook her, until she opened her eyes. He looked at her, really look at her.
She let out a sigh and answered."He did it with a cigar."
Corrie looked like he was about to erupt. He let go of her, and threw his hands into the air. "He put a cigar out on your ass, and this isn't abuse!"
"CORRIE PLEASE! PLEASE! I'M ENDING IT!" She said trying to grasp hold of him.
"I'M ENDING HIM!" Corrie roared walking in little circles. He refused to calm down.
"IT'S NOT HIM CORRIE! IT'S ME. YOU DON'T KNOW THE THINGS I DO! THE WAY I AM!
He stopped doing circles and looked at her. "I know you."
"You really don't." she said. "Sometimes I get these dark urges. I crave things you just won't understand. I don't even fully understand it."
"Try me!"
"Sometimes, I go out looking for trouble. Sometimes I just want to hurt."
"When? When does this happen? Did it happen before him?"
"It's happened since...since I can remember, long before him... even before you. I don't know what it is, but some part of me I just- I feel- I do things, because deep down, I loath myself. I hook up with guys, I get rough, I get off on, my own pain and humiliation and-"
"I don't believe this!" said Corrie shaking his head.
"Believe it! I've don't things, a lot of things."
"Not things like this!" he said, "He's brainwashed you!"
"It's not just him, Corrie! All Dawson did was put a name to it and open my eyes, to what I was already doing."
"Dawson, is that his name?"
Her eyes shot wide as she gasped, and covered her mouth. She hadn't been thinking. She nearly slipped jumping into the air and coming down again, "NO! DON'T!"
"WHAT!" said Corrie looking confused. "Gwyne."
She realized she'd fucked up! She had messed up on so many level! All of this just looked so bad. She wasn't explaining it right, or maybe she was, and it really was this bad! Her instincts kicked in. She didn't want to keep talking about tore out of the bathroom, nearly falling again as her wet feet slipped across the floor. She looked for some place she could run and hide behind. She couldn't dash outside like she normally did when she was upset. She found a door to a storage room and hid inside, shutting the door behind her.
"Gwyne" Corrie called chasing after her. He tried to open the door, but she put all her weight against it, slamming it shut.
She screamed."PLEASE CORRIE! STOP! JUST DON'T!"
He stopped trying to push the door open, and just stood on the other side of it."Gwyne. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just, I swear if anyone hurt you. I don't know what I'd do." I'm not worth it, she thought, but didn't say anything. He went on "Please Gwyne, let me in, you got to talk about this, if not with me, then someone. You can't keep it inside."
"I will. I will talk to someone." She said, but wasn't sure if she actually would. "I just wanted to get away. I just wanted to escape for a little while, with you, please can we not ruin this!"
She heard Corrie pound his fist against the door. It rattled slightly and he sighed before saying. "You'll break up with him, and you'll talk to Tawnie, or a councilor! Just anyone, if you can't talk to me, but I'm always here to listen! If you like this...this sort of thing, fine, but there has to be better ways of doing it! Safer, if not more controlled. But from what I'm seeing and hearing, Gwyne, this thing between you and him…it doesn't sound like masochism."
She knew that. She had a feeling they'd gone way past that a while back. Still she choked. "And you've seen everything right. Know it all." Several tears streamed down her face. She sniffled and wiped them away.
Corrie didn't respond for a good minute, when he did, he spoke softly. "I have seen a lot, Gwyne, in my line of work, and it's not adding up. It sounds like there were things you weren't okay with. I think you need to take some time and sort some stuff out."
"I'm going to." She said, but felt so hallow saying it. How many times had she tried to, 'sort herself out,' to no avail.
"Would you come out?" he asked. "You still have soap in your hair."
"I'm good," she said. "I just need a minute." Or forever.
She felt absolutely mortified. She hadn't wanted to address everything with Dawson...not with Corrie. Tawnie maybe someday...but not Corrie. She didn't want him to know what had gone on. She let her head fall back against the door. Her stomach felt like it was twisted in knots. Everything had been so perfect, wonderful until she had ruined it with her rot. Some of her rot had spilled out and he saw, and now she felt sick. She was such an idiot. Why hadn't she realized the makeup would wash off, because she...she hadn't wanted to think about it. She'd covered it up in the first place so she wouldn't have to look at it and recall what she had done. What she was.
"Gwyne."
"I'm coming, you go finish." she said her voice cracking with emotion.
"Not without you."
"Please Corrie! I just need a minute!"
"Then we'll take a minute. We'll take all the time you need."
"You can't help me!" she spat. "No one can help me! I'm too far gone, too damaged, and disgusting!"
"You're not!"
"I AM! If you knew some of the things I've done. Corrie. I've been with load of guys… sometimes at the same time. In bathrooms, outside. I'll fuck anyone." she admitted burying her head in her hands, "I let anyone do what they want because it feels good, to be used and abused."
"I don't care!" he said. "Whatever you've done or who with, I don't care! I only care about you!"
"No you don't! You just feel sorry for me. You just want to save me, but you can't save me Corrie. You can't save me from myself. I'm no good. I'm rotten, I'm hallowed out. I'm just a hole that sucks everything in."
"Where are you getting this shit from?"
"I ruin things Corrie! I ruin people! I ruin everything! Ever since I started spreading my legs!"
Fuck, ever since she was born, she was no good. She could still hear her father say she was a mistake. She used to hide in the closet, whenever he was on a bad streak. He didn't hurt her, but the things he'd say about her and her mother, were awful. She didn't understand most of it, but she knew it was bad. She used to put her hands over her ears and curl up tight in the closet, until she learned to run out of the apartment. She wouldn't go far just the staircase. It had been forever since she recalled that memory. Maybe that was why she always ran so she wouldn't have to hear awful things.
"You don't ruin things! I'm not that asshole! Forget whatever he said to you." said Corrie.
She took in what he said and dropped her hands from her face. She sniffled and said "No, you're not like him, like any of them, you're better, you deserve better then some worthless, hallowed out, nothing hole, like me."
"Gwyne I'm going to rip this door off it's hinges, if you don't let me in that fucking closet."
"It's not a closet. It's a storage room." She said looking around.
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" He said pushing on the door. "NOW LET ME IN!
"Why!
"Because- Because- BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND I CANT BARE TO HEAR ANOTHER NASTY LIE, COME OUT OF THAT BEAUTIFUL MOUTH OF YOURS!"
"What? she said as she pushed the door open. She turned to him as he stood in the doorway, "What did you just say."
"FUCK!" He said as if he hadn't realized.
Of course, she looked down he hadn't meant it. He probably only said it, to get the door open.
"I said I loved you."
"It's okay I know you don't mean it."
"I do," he said grabbing her arms.
He looked at her again with such intensity. She didn't understand. "Then why'd you just curse?"
"Because I never wanted you to know."
"Bullshit!" She said furrowing her brow. She was so confused. Her heart began to beat rapidly. Did he- Could he have meant it? "Since when?"
"Since I don't know before the riverside."
"BEFORE THE RIVERSIDE! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THEN!" She looked at him, thinking he was just trying to stop her from freaking out on him, but the way he looked at her.
"I don't know. I was still struggling with it. After our fight, you were gone all the time. Bea kept asking me to help her, with her car, and you know me I help everyone. She told me about all this stuff that was going on with her, and she needed a drink. I wanted to be supportive. It was before I knew she was a psycho. I took her to get one, but quickly found out she wanted more then a drink. I turned her down, and I walked back to your place, because I was drunk. You weren't home. I got in your bed and I just, I missed you so much. I smelled your pillow and like since our fight, I was worried. I just wanted to make up. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I smelled your pillow and it smelled like you, and everything... everything just clicked. I realized what this was, and it scares the shit out of me, because I know I can't be feeling this way."
She grabbed the sides of Corrie's face, from the way he was talking, she knew this wasn't bullshit. Her heart nearly exploded in her chest. She lit up realizing it had finally happened! Corrie had fallen in love with her! The moment she'd been waiting for all these years, had finally happened, and she hadn't even been there.
"You love me! You really love me!"
"I really do but I CAN'T, this can't-" He said grasping her hands.
"Shut up." she said.
She kissed him again and again and again. Each kiss she cried and shook, not from the cold, but from the rush of finding out he loved her! This was some day, some rollercoaster of a fight. First he'd found out about her shit, then they got into it and he admitted he loved her and meant it! Fuck it, this fight was a rocket ship and right now they were blasting off into infinity. She nearly burst into the air with elation. She knew she wasn't making much sense right now, but she didn't care. She just kept kissing the man she loved, who loved her back.
"Gwyne I can't!" he said pulling away. "You know I can't afford this, to be in love with you."
"You can," she said beaming, "You can, we'll figure this out together. You really love me." She couldn't say it enough.
"I do," he said pulling in close again. "So this guy, this fucking guy and all this shit! You mean so much to me! I don't know how it happened! I don't know what I'm going to do but don't you ever say you're nothing! Don't you ever let anyone even yourself demean you! Because you're the person I love, Gwyne. The only one I've loved since my parents."
She held her hand to his chest and nodded. They embraced then, holding each other for a long moment. When they pulled apart they went back to shower. The water was still warm. They rinsed off and everything felt so different now. They kept kissing and caressing each other as the water washed over them. Gwyne had never been so happy. After they turned the shower off, Corrie leaned into her.
"I don't want to hurt you, Gwyne. I'm so worried I'm going to hurt you. This is going to change a lot of things."
She could see he was distraught. She assured him. "It is going to change things, but that's not a bad thing. Change can be good Corrie, and you're not alone. We are in this together. We'll take it one step at a time. You think I'm a wizard at this? This is all new territory for me. I know what it's like to fall in love with my partner, but to have them love me back. It's more than I could have ever hoped for, but I worry too. I worry I wont be enough for you."
"You are, but if anything happens to me!"
She put her fingertips to his lips. "If anything happens to either of us, then at least we'll have had this moment, this certainty that someone truly loved us and that we loved each other."
She touched her forehead to his, and could tell he was still resistant, but the fact that he loved her, and told her at all, was enough for her. She didn't care how much time he needed. She'd wait. Her chest swelled with such love, but for a moment, that part inside her, the darkness that dwelled within her stirred. 'You think this is going to last.' 'You think anyone could really love you.' 'Do you think for a second, Dawson is just going to let you go!' He'd have to! She wouldn't give him a choice.
She nodded to herself then pushed all her fears and doubts away, if only for this moment. She kissed the man she loved… the man who loved her! She beamed once more as they grabbed a towel and began to dry off.
She couldn't help but say. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."
He wrapped the towel around her and said it back. "I love you."
They dried each other off, then went upstairs to the bed and laid down. They didn't have sex or talk, they just looked at each other lovingly, like no one else existed. Everything from here on out was going to be different. She vowed she was going to change as Corrie had. She was going to learn to love herself as much as he loved her. She ran her fingers over his cheek and he took hold of her hand gently kissing her wrist. She just wanted to stay here forever, but eventually she groaned and let out a heavy sigh.
"We need to get food." She pointed out.
"We don't," he said. "We'll just stay here, live off sunlight, nuts and berries."
"Not on your life," she said sitting up. "I'm sure I saw a grill outback, since you're fixing this place up, it would be a waste not to try it. You know, to make sure it works, and doesn't need fixing."
He smiled sitting up, "Yeah have to make sure and all."
They lightly kissed and she cooed, "You don't have to be scared or worried. I'm going to take care of things, when we get back. As for us, don't think about tomorrow, don't think about an hour from now, just be here with me, from moment to moment. I'm in no hurry to sort all this out."
"You're taking this better then I thought," he said.
"Of course, I fell in love with you a long time ago."
"You shouldn't have," he said.
"But I did." she said.
He turned away from her. "I just feel like an ass now. A few month ago I hurt you, the shit I said and now just to go back on it-"
She reached out grasping hold of his chin. She turned him to face her as she spoke. "The shit you said was then, this is now. Even if someday you don't love me anymore. You love me now, and that is more then I could have ever hoped for. I- I know how much, how hard this is for you, to let anyone in. I respect that."
He nodded then pulled away. He sat on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands. He let out a heavy sigh, then ran his hands over his face, and said, "I just feel sick now, because I don't know what I am going to do. I had a plan. I wasn't going to tell you, and now that's all gone out the window."
"A plan? Really," She said crossing her arms. "What was it?'
"It doesn't matter anymore."
"Love can do that," she said crawling over to him. She hugged him from behind and continued. "Love can make you throw all your plans out the window. Trust me, there were times when I told myself to do one thing, and my heart made me do another. Sometimes love has no reason, is just is."
"I'm sorry," he said.
"What for?"
"All of it...everything. I just feel I've failed you on so many levels."
"You didn't fail me at all. Nothing has really changed yet, it's going to"
"No. I realized now, it started changing a while ago. Why didn't you tell me about any of this before?"
"Why didn't you tell me you loved me before this?" she asked.
"I wasn't planning to."
"Ditto."
"But this is different. You're- What's been going on."
"Please," she said pulling away. "Can we just not."
"I will stop just tell me, tell me, Gwyne."
She sighed but asked. "What exactly do you want to know?"
"Everything."
"I can't remember everything."
"Seriously." he said getting up.
"Seriously," she said back "I-" She sighed, "Sometimes I was on shit."
"I want his full name."
"Don't."
"Why!"
"It wont help! Not all of it was bad. Some stuff I wanted to do, some shit got crazy, but I still did it anyway. I- I made a lot of choices Corrie, or in some cases I didn't. I just let things happen. Which is also a choice, I guess."
She looked away, knowing she had also said no sometimes. She had even tried to get away, but Dawson still forced her to do it, anyway. Of course she wasn't going to tell Corrie that. If she did, he'd want to know why she kept hooking up with him. If she had told Dawson no, if she had asked him to stop and tried to get away, then why did she go back to him, time and time again. She laid back on the bed and looking up at the ceiling. She knew why, because no one could make her feel like he could. Pleasure...pain, she took it all. She had become addicted to it. The thrill of it.
She let out a heavy sigh, "What I'm saying Corrie, is I'm not a victim here. I made the choice to hang out with him, even when I knew what he'd do to me."
"So what!" said Corrie crossing his arms. "It doesn't matter if you chose to hang out with him. Any time he did something you weren't okay with, anytime you wanted to stop or said no that mattered. He had no right! Consent even in BDSM, always fucking matters."
She sat up and ran a hand across her mouth before she responded. "It's not that simple. Things weren't always black and white, yes or no, Corrie. There were a lot of gray areas, times when lines blurred and got confusing. Some stuff...I honestly don't know how I feel about it. I got caught up in the moment."
"Well you need to start thinking about it, Gwyne. How you really feel. You need to deal with it. You can't keep pushing it away and denying it. Whatever happened, whatever he did to you, whatever you've done, we can deal with it together, but you need to be honest with me...and if not then at least be honest with yourself. This isn't okay Gwyne. Look at you."
She ran her hands over her face and through her hair. Again things had been worse, but she didn't tell him that. "I am being honest. I want to be, but it doesn't matter right now. None of it matters. I'm ending it. It's over. So let's just leave it at that for now, okay."
"How exactly are you gong to end it?"
"When he calls, I'll tell him it's over and hang up."
"And if he calls back?"
"I wont answer."
"And if he comes over?"
"I doubt he would, but if he does, I wont answer the door, and if it escalates, like with you and Bea, I'll go to the police. You know I'll take care of it, like you are."
"I am going to take care of that!" he insisted. "But right now this is about you and Dawson!" Gwyne instinctively flinched, and covered her face, when she heard Corrie say his name. Corrie noticed, "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," she said taking her hands away from her face.
"No! What is it?"
"Its nothing."
"Tell me!"
"Okay, he doesn't like his name said."
"What? Why not?"
"I don't know." She lied
"Gwyne," he hissed.
"What! He doesn't want others to know it. I guess since he's married maybe... I don't know. It's just a thing with him."
Corrie gave her a stern look but let it go. He started getting dressed as he said, "When we get back, I want you to break it off with him immediately! I want you to tell him, if he ever contacts you again, you'll call the police, and I want to be there when you do it."
"WHAT! NO! Corrie!"
"I MEAN IT, or I will take care of it!"
"Fine! FUCK! I want you to tell your captain about Bea, stalking you!" said Gwyne, getting out of bed.
"If it comes to that, I will."
"Oh Bullshit!" said Gwyne stomping her foot. "YOU TELL THE CAPTAIN! IF I'M GOING TO TELL DAW- DAW-" She just couldn't say it again. Thinking about it made her stomach turn, and she'd remember the pain in face. She held her nose then started to get dressed.
Corrie finished getting dressed then looked at her, "You look like you're about to get hit, every time his name gets said. Just what the fuck did he do, when you said it?"
She turned her back to him as she put on a shirt, and admitted, "He'd punch me in the face."
She didn't even need to look. She could already imagine his expression as he shouted, "WHAT!"
He started madly pacing around the room. She picked up her jeans, and just managed to slide them on, before he grabbed her. He turned her to face him and looked even closer at her face. "You have a cut on your nose! Is that from him!" She didn't say anything. She just looked away and buttoned up her jeans.
He cursed turning away from her. "Forget talking to him! You are going straight to the police!"
"I'm not." she said, putting on her shoes. "I'll end it with him, but I don't want to go to the police."
"Why not!"
She let out a heavy sigh, like it was obvious. "I told you, things aren't simple! This wasn't abuse! I consented to a lot of it."
"But not everything!" said Corrie.
"You know how I feel."
"Punching you in the face, for saying his name, doesn't seem like gray territory to me! It seems pretty fucking black and white, Gwyne!"
"I just can't." she said. "I told you it wasn't all bad. If I go to the police they'd ask me about everything. Everything Corrie! How am I suppose to tell them that I had issues with him punching me in the face, but not in the pussy."
"What!?" said Corrie. He gave her a weird look.
She covered her face feeling mortified once more. "UHHH! I can't even talk to you about this!"
"How could you not have issues with him punching you down there?"
"Cause it felt good!" she said. "A lot of it felt good! Sometimes I really liked when he hit me. I got off on it, Corrie. Is that what you want to hear. I'm fucked up!"
"I'm not judging."
"BUT YOU ARE! CLEARLY!" she shouted, throwing her hands into the air. "Even if you don't mean to. You just don't get it Corrie! You want to put everything in a nice little box, wrap it in a bow, and say this is what it is! But it doesn't all fit into one box! You can't lump everything together."
"You seem to be!" snapped Corrie. "It's fine that he hurt you, because sometimes you enjoyed it. I think that's worse Gwyne, than saying, sometimes you felt good, but ultimately he hurt you."
"I'm just saying it's complicated, Corrie."
"It's really not. If he hurt you, he hurt you, Gwyne"
"And when he didn't! What about that?"
"When he didn't that's fine, but I'm talking about when it wasn't fine and you know it. You're not stupid!"
"Sometimes I think I am! I really do! Everything with him and then trying to talk to you about it! I'm done! I'm fucking done Corrie! You can ask me one last fucking question and then I don't want to hear another word about it, today."
"Fine!" he said wiping his mouth. She waited with her arms crossed as he thought about it. When he finally did ask his question, he surprised her. "Is this where you got all that money from."
She turned away, not wanting to answer that, "It's not what you think."
"Answer the question! You said I get one!"
"Yes, but it wasn't for sex, it was to do the things on his list."
"What list?" asked Corrie.
"I said one question."
"This was part of your answer!"
"Fuck. OKAY! He wanted me to eat the health food, take the vitamins, go to the gym and salon, everything with the creams and to wear the corset."
"You've been wearing that for him! We're burning it in the fireplace tonight!"
"I've gotten used to it."
"You'll get unused to it!'
"Okay, okay." she said. Things felt like they were getting chaotic.
"What else?" demanded Corrie, "What else was on that fucking list? That was a lot of money!"
"Not all of it was from the list."
"What?"
"He had other demands."
"Like."
She sighed, "Wearing a mask."
"A mask? I don't understand?"
She took in a breath then explained. "At one point he decided he no longer liked looking at my face."
"What?" said Corrie looking at her like she was crazy.
"It upset him. So he paid me then thousand, to wear one just when I'm around him. I know it's weird, but I haven't found a job and I needed the money."
"You needed the money." he shook his head covering his mouth. "I'LL PAY YOU A HUNDRED THOUSAND, IF YOU NEVER EVER SEE HIM AGAIN!"
"I wont and you don't have a hundred grand," she teased, trying to lighten the mood.
"I do! I've got more then that, it's all yours, fuck take my bank account!" She could see he was really upset. "You keep playing this off like it's nothing, Gwyne, but every bit of it, everything on that list, every demand, took a piece of you, a chunk of your soul. Can't you see, he was breaking you down, not just physically but mentally."
She swallowed and found she was starting to cry, "It didn't seem like a lot until it was." She admitted. "I just, I don't know how I let things get so fucked up. Or maybe I do. I just-"
"You should have walked away the first moment he did anything."
"I know that. I told myself that more then once. I told myself this was so bad, but I still stayed. What's wrong with me?"
"Gwyne" Corrie reached out embracing her. He pulled her into his arms and just held her as she sobbed breaking down.
"I feel so guilty," she said, "I have no right to cry, to be upset. I went along for the ride."
"Right now, it feels like that, because it's all so fresh, give yourself some time and distance and I'm sure you'll feel differently"
"Maybe or maybe I'll feel worse. Maybe my head will clear and I'll just feel sick that I let things get so bad and go on for so long. I just…I can't talk about this. It's all so messed up right now. Maybe in a few days, weeks or even a month or two, I'll feel up to talking, but right now I just- I can't! I'm getting confused. I need to know what parts were me, were my fault and w-"
"NONE OF IT." Corrie said pulling from her so that he could look her in the eyes, "NONE OF IT GWYNE!
"NO!" She shook her head, "You cant say that, you cant! I walked up to him. I introduced myself to him. That first night, we fucked in a back alley and he choked me out. I didn't stop him, I just went to bed with him." Corrie didn't say anything. He just pulled her back into his arms. Gwyne sobbed and went on."He wasn't the first guy Corrie...there have been other. I've done other things, awful things! I don't even want to think about. Because at the time it felt good or easy and I hated myself. I just wanted to feel that burn...to get close to fire. I'd get upset and want to hurt myself."
"Did you ever hurt yourself because of me?" he asked his voice was so soft, emotional.
She didn't want to tell him the truth. She didn't want to hurt him but she also didn't want to lie to him, "Yes." He held her even tighter. "It wasn't your fault Corrie. I'm messed up. I'm so messed up."
He didn't say anything he just held her and let her sob. She had no idea how much time passed. Eventually she collected herself then said "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"I ruined your vacation."
"You didn't." he said. "You didn't." She could tell he'd been crying.
"I need time Corrie but I'll get better. I promise."
"I know you will," he said.
"I just need to sort myself out. I've been drifting, trying not to feel for so long but I'll take care of it, now."
"Why?" he asked pulling back slightly to look at her, "Because I love you. Are you only doing this for me? Because you need to do it for yourself?"
"I am, you're part of it, yes but the nightmare...everything. I just, I saw what can happen when you play with fire and I don't want to get burned anymore. I want to stop. I just, I also don't trust myself. Sometimes I know what I want. I'm so sure of it and then I just let go and let things happen."
"I wont let you." He said. "I wont let you go anymore," he said brushing the hair from her face.
She didn't say anything. Things got very quiet as they just stood there looking at one another and then her stomach rumbled. "Sorry I'm hungry."
"I am too." he said. "Maybe we can find something real quick."
"I already checked there's nothing but beer."
"Let me take a look." They went down stairs and checked all over. It was indeed empty save for the beer. "Well at least we wont get thirsty." He rubbed his jaw then added "I saw a freezer in the garage maybe he's got some meat. If we want to wait a few hours."
"Sometimes it can take days to thaw." groaned Gwyne. "I don't see a microwave do you,.,"
"No," He sighed, "This thing isn't over, our conversation. I'll let it go for now, but when we get back, I want you to take pictures of what he's done."
"I told you this wasn't all him." He looked at her confused.
She didn't want to get into it again. "Can we please talk about it later. I'm going to do what you ask, but I just- I don't want to go to the police. Maybe one day if I sort things out."
"That's why you take the pictures now. Cuts and bruises heal and fade away."
"I can only hope this all fades away."
"It will heal in time, but I don't want you to dismiss it. We need to make sure something like this never happens again."
She looked at him and just felt so shitty. All of it was so messed up now. The stuff she wanted to do and the stuff she didn't were so tightly intertwined. She couldn't make sense of it, in this moment. She honestly wanted to forget it all. If one day she could forget Dawson and everything they'd done together it would be amazing. It hadn't all been bad, but it hadn't all been good.
Her stomach rumbled again. "I'm sorry, I really can't deal with this right now. It's been a lot and I'm starving. Wait?"
"What?"
"I just realized don't we have some left overs from the fair?"
"Oh well, I finished most of it off, last night and some of it didn't keep. We should still have some popcorn.
"Popcorn sounds amazing right now," she said.
"Yeah, for a snack, but you should eat something solid, we both should. We'll go into town, eat, get some supplies, shop for some food, and talk more when we get back."
"No! No more talking about it today, tomorrow maybe. If I'm going to deal with this shit, when we get back home, then I at least need some time here to rest and relax as you said earlier."
He nodded "Okay,"
"Okay," she said.
He kissed her and they hugged again. For a moment they just held each other, then she asked Do...do you still love me?"
"What?" he said.
"After what I told you. I wouldn't blame you if you changed your mind."
"Yes, I still love you! I didn't change my mind, but I don't care what you say. Whatever part you think, you had to play in this, there is never any reason someone should punch you in the face for saying their name. You can't convince me otherwise. If I ever EVER see him Gwyne. He'll get more then my fist in his face."
She pulled away, not wanting to think about it. Now she absolutely had to break it off with Dawson. It was no longer a question of if or when. It was over! It should have been for a while now...things had been out of control long enough. She had been in denial long enough. Talking to Corrie, saying some of this shit out loud had really put it into perspective for her. She'd been too close to things to realize how toxic it was until now.
"Gwyne." Corrie called.
"Yeah." she said pulling from her thoughts.
"What are you thinking?"
"That I was just too close to it all, to realize how toxic it was."
"Yeah." he said, then he gave her head a soft kiss.
"Can we go eat now."
"Yeah," he said taking her hand. "We can go anywhere you want. Eat whatever you want."
"Oh I'm sure they have sushi out here." she teased.
"They have fish, they have sushi." he teased right back.
They kissed and he swung his arm around her as they walked out of the cabin. He locked up after them and they climbed into his truck. Both looked at each other with heavy hearts and even heavier minds. He started up the truck and slowly backed out, down the long driveway. Gwyne let out a heavy sigh and almost hoped they'd stay out here forever so she honestly wouldn't have to deal with any of it. She knew that wasn't the mindset to have. No if she was actually going to start dealing with this then she needed to face it head on. Whatever happened she'd take care of it but she had a feeling it wasn't going to be simple...then again nothing ever was these days.
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