Gwyne woke to the sound of sizzling. For a moment her heart skipped a beat, still just waking up she smelled pancakes and syrup. She smiled to herself and thought she was back home in her bed and her mom was up cooking. Then she opened her eyes and realized she was in her apartment. She still kept her smile, knowing Corrie must have visited. She sat up and for a second she forgot it all, their fight, the pain of rejection and the realization that this was really never going to be anything. Then it all hit her like a ton of bricks. She got up quietly and slinked off to the bathroom as he was adding whipped cream.
She went to the bathroom and quietly shut the door. She leaned against it for a moment then put her back to it and slid down to the floor. She needed a second to process everything. Her eyes started watering, okay maybe she needed more then a second...a few minutes. Yeah she needed a few good minutes to collect herself. It just hurt, knowing she still cared so much and that she still wanted more with him given what she knew. She was so stupid! STUPID! STUPID! Why did she always have to get so attached, especially to men who clearly didn't want her! She was suppose to be over this! She was twenty-six now, old enough to know better then to let herself believe anyone she could ever find-
There was a soft knock at the door. She wiped her eyes as she heard Corrie, "Gwyne?"
She pursed her lips and got to her knees. She turned on the sink hoping it would mask the emotion in her voice. She cleared her throat then tried to casually say "Yeah?"
"Uh, I made breakfast."
"Be out in a minute." she said.
She looked at herself in the mirror her makeup was smeared. She'd only put a little on after her shower but hadn't bothered to take it off. She quickly rinsed her face then applied some more before opening the door. He was standing there with a tray of food, a plate of waffles and some milk. "Surprise." He said.
"Great." she said not really looking at it "Looks great!"
She moved past him and went to the table and sat down. He followed after her, "I was hoping to surprise you in bed. I hope I didn't wake you, did I?"
"No." she said steeling herself.
She knew this game, had played it well enough over the years. She'd pretend like nothing was wrong. She'd kill this ache in her heart until one day she really would feel nothing for him or anyone. She'd never let anyone affect her like this again. He brought the tray over to the table and set it down but she didn't touch it. She just waited for him to sit but he just stood there and things were... awkward.
"Sorry to pass out last night and to come over on your birthday."
"It was already over," she said. "You gonna eat?"
"I…uh well I only made enough for you. Like I said it was suppose to be a surprise."
"Right." She said.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine." She said. "Just tired. You probably have to get going, I can clean up."
"I don't have to go right now." He said. "I just got off some doubles I get a day to recover."
"Cool, cool." she said.
He put his hands in his pockets. "Hope I didn't overdo it with the whipped cream. You like waffles right or was it pancakes?"
"It's fine." she said.
"Well you should eat before it gets cold. I'll clean up."
He turned and went to clean up. She stared at the food. He'd tried to make a face with it. She sighed he'd made two but she could barely finish one. She finished off her milk then brought it over to the sink.
He was still cleaning up. "You done already?"
"Yeah." she said.
"You not hungry?"
"I eat less now. You can finish it if you want."
"I could wrap it up for you, for later?"
"Probably should have one of my meals next time I eat." she said "I'm a shower."
"Okay." He said.
She felt like her breath kept catching in her throat. There was just this lump in her chest now, where here heart used to be. She went into the bathroom and took a long shower, then put on her corset. It was strange but it was beginning to feel like a second skin. When she didn't wear it, she felt like something was missing. She also liked how it held her in nice and tight. It was like getting a hug or something. Her posture was also a lot better as well. She probably should have eaten less. She felt a little too full but it was still nice. She got dressed in a tank top and some shorts.
When she got out, he'd cleaned up and had even made her bed. She took her vitamins then looked out the window. It was a nice enough day, maybe she'd do something outside. Corrie moved to stand beside her and noticed her looking outside.
He smiled and said. "Hey, it's looking pretty nice out, maybe we could go for a ride. Get you some more prep for your test, if you haven't taken it yet."
"Right," she said realizing he didn't know. "My bike's tires are flat."
"Flat? They should still be good for a while. We can top them of-"
"I think someone slashed them or something." she interrupted
"What! When?" he asked looking concerned.
"I don't know a few weeks ago. When Tawnie got back from her trip. I think but I'm not sure."
She was still staring out the window, when she suddenly heard the front door open. She turned and he was already going outside. She probably should just let him look but she sighed and went after him. "I'm already looking into getting replacements, it's not a problem!"
He didn't say anything. He just went to the bike and dropped down beside it, looking over the tires. She crossed her arms standing just behind him as he carefully examined them and cursed, "Shit."
He looked around, "Was anyone else's slashed?"
"I don't know maybe, sometimes people are assholes."
"Well I got my truck." he said. "I'll load it up and change them out."
"I can do it!" she insisted. "I've got the money. I can pay someone."
"I know but you're still looking for a job. I'll do it and get it back to you in a few days or so." he said. He stood, removed the kickstand and started to move the bike over to the truck.
For some reason, this really annoyed her. He wasn't listening! He was brushing her off and ignoring her feelings. She'd made it clear she could fix it on her own. She didn't need him to do it but he wouldn't listen. He just took over!
"Is it my bike or not!" she hissed getting in his way.
"It's your bike just let me fix it."
"Some things can't be fixed!" she spat putting her hand on the handlebars. He stopped moving and just looked at her.
"Gwyne."
"What," she said, "It's my bike, if I want to fix it, I'll fix it! I don't need you!"
"I know you don't need me." he said, "If you want I can charge you. I just want to make sure it gets done right."
"Why should it matter? What do you care?"
He rolled his eyes clearly annoyed. She knew this had nothing to do with the bike. She was trying to be indifferent but was slipping as her emotions got the best of her. She was so angry right now but also hurt and sad. The emotions felt like they were bubbling up in her, making her feel sick.
"You know what!" she said taking her hands off the bike. "Do whatever you want, like you always do! I don't care anymore!" She turned away from him and then started walking off.
"Gwyne, wait!" He calling after her. "Gwyne you don't have any shoes on!"
She didn't care, she just wanted to get away from him and these emotions. She found herself so conflicted. She had wanted to see him so badly then didn't want to see him. It was hard! It was all so hard, caring for someone you knew didn't care back. She thought she could pretend everything was okay but she didn't want to pretend.
"GWYNE!"
She just kept walking trying to hold it all in. She didn't know where she was going. It was a bad habit of hers, when she got really upset to just walk off without thinking. She walked and walked, the bottom of her feet were getting hurt but she managed to walk herself to the riverside. It was surrounded by soft sand. She stepped onto it and it felt warm, heated from the sunlight. She stared out and the river and watched it flow under the bridge. A light breeze blew through her hair and she let out a heavy sigh. She saw some people in round tubes lazily drifting along the water. It must have felt nice. The hot sun on you with the cold water underneath. You probably never got too hot or too cold.
She ran her hands over her face and crouched down near the water. She looked at her reflection and felt like she was being such a drama queen. She shouldn't have let herself get so bothered by this. She should be a rock, unmovable in her decisions and feelings but she didn't feel like that. She felt all mushy inside, no matter what she did to harden herself, she just got weaker. She felt like she was going to be sick. She turned her head to the side then puked in the sand. When she was done, she buried it, and tried to clean up in the water. It was so gross! She was so gross! She closed her eyes feeling sick with herself.
"Gwyne!"
She perked up thinking she heard something calling her name. She opened her eyes and,got to her feet. She saw Corrie jogging out to her. He looked winded. She doubted he'd followed her on foot or he would have caught up to her a lot sooner. She saw his truck in the distance, with her bike loaded in the back. She realized he must have been driving around looking for her. He looked at her with such concern and then relief, when their eyes locked. For a moment they stared at each other, then she forced herself to turn away from him.
He had said such things to her, such awful things. He had made it clear he didn't care about her and yet his eyes...the way he looked at her made her think otherwise. Maybe this whole time it was just her inability to read people or that she saw what she wanted to see. Yes it made sense given all her relationship issues over the years. It was all just in her head. She was just a poor judge of character and situations, with a wild imaginat-
He drew closer to her, pulling her from her internal rant, He asked, "What are you doing?"
She wanted to snap back, what are you doing back but knew it would do her no good. Instead she hissed "Going for a walk!" She started to walk off once more. She knew she shouldn't it was childish but she didn't want to have this conversation, this fight...it was probably going to be one of their last.
"You might want these," he said dropping down a pair of her shoes.
He'd gone back inside and got her shoes? She didn't think she had been walking that long. Yet apparently he'd had enough time to load her bike, get her shoes and then find her walking along the riverside.
"How did you even find me?" She asked without thinking.
"Lucky guess." He said. "Listen if you really don't want me touching your bike, at least let me recommend someone or be there when they fix it, to make sure it's done right and at a fair price."
"You know this isn't about the bike, right," she said furrowing her brow.
"Yeah, I know." He said looking down at the sand. "I was kind of hoping we could talk about it after you ate breakfast but then with the bike stuff, this whole morning just hasn't gone how I planned."
"Yeah." she said crossing her arms. "And just what did you have planned?"
"I wanted to talk."
Talk…He wanted to talk. From the look on his face, maybe he wasn't here to make up but finally break up. She felt a tightness in her chest but pushed forward. She might as well get this over with, "About what? There really isn't anything to talk about. I think you made yourself perfectly clear the other day."
"I know." he said digging his hands into his pockets. He kicked some sand about. He wasn't looking at her just the ground. He probably didn't want to make eye contact when he did it. Good! She didn't want to either!
He didn't say anything and for the longest time they just stood there. She finally sighed and spat "So what more is there to say other then goodbye?"
She pursed her lips in disbelief. She had actually said it! She had dreaded this moment for so long but now it was here and there was nothing to do about it. Her eyes watered as she looked at him. He just stood there staring at the sand. He opened his mouth like he was going to speak but he didn't say anything. She watched his gaze shift from side to side. She found her heart was thundering in her chest as she was suddenly hyper focused on everything that was happening in this moment. The silence was near deafening as it just kept going on and on. She felt like her chest was on fire and that she was going to be sick again.
So much water built up in her eyes that several tears managed to escape. They ran down her cheeks making her feel embarrassed. She didn't want to cry in front of him. She wanted to be strong. Her voice cracked with emotion, "I guess, I'll see you around, thanks for the shoes."
She stepped forward, grabbed up her shoes, then turned, hoping to dash off before she broke down. However he reached out and grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks. "Wait, would you just stop and give me a second!"
"To what?" She spat barely holding onto the damn that was about to break, "We both know this is over!"
"No!" he said. He still wasn't looking at her. He kept looking at the ground, off to the side and up at the sky, anywhere that wasn't in her direction, "Maybe I'm not ready for this to be over."
"Not ready." her voice cracked even more.
"Yeah."
"What's the point in continuing! We're just delaying the inevitable! You don't want a relationship and I'm always going to want one! We're never going to find common ground here. We're just torturing ourselves at this point."
He pulled her into him and wrapped his arms around her. What the fuck was his deal! She didn't understand what he was doing! Why! Why was he embracing her when she was determined to let him go! That is what he wanted right! To be free, to never be locked down by anyone and yet here he was holding her in his arms! She felt him suddenly shake with emotion.
His voice so sounded strange as he softly spoke. "Maybe there is no point to this. Maybe you're right and were just torturing ourselves. If you want I can go but these last few weeks, I've missed you so much."
"You missed me!" she said. She thought about saying something snarky but knew for him, for Corrie just admitting that he missed her was a lot. She didn't want to fight with him and she didn't want to walk away. She looked around as he just stood there almost like he was surprised by his own words. She looked up at the sky then down and finally embraced him back "I always miss you when you're gone."
Something like this would have set him off in the past. He would have said, 'you shouldn't' because he didn't want her care enough to miss him. She kept expecting him to say something yet he didn't. They locked eyes and she didn't know what was going to happen next. Maybe she was kidding herself that anything could...would ever change between them but she was a glutton for punishment. He lowered his head and she raised hers, they both closed their eyes in near unison, touching their foreheads together. For the longest time they just stood their holding each other.
Then he squeezed her tight, so tight she thought he might break something before he kissed her. She wanted to know what this meant but didn't dare ask. He kissed her again and again and she kissed him back, passionately. She lost herself for a moment in his embrace and endless kisses. Even though she'd been with another guy just yesterday it, this wasn't the same!
He body reacted...fuck her soul lit up in such a way. She ached for the need of him and just to be near him was enough for her. His touch, his kisses, his words and the way he looked at her was enough for her! He filled places...spaces she couldn't reach on her own and made her feel loved, truly hopelessly loved, even if it weren't true.
When they finally pulled apart he spoke. His words came out quickly, "I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what this means. I don't know if I can give you more, Gwyne. Right now all I know is I want to be with you."
Her eyes lit up and just like that all her walls were down and she was mush in his arms. All the anger, frustration and confusion washed away. She ran her hands through his hair and touched the sides of his face, "It's okay." she said, "We don't need to know anything. This right here, is enough for me. You as you are, have always been enough for me."
She knew she was being silly. She should be angry and upset that even after all these years he still wasn't sure of anything. It was torture! One second he made it clear that he didn't love her. Yet the next he embraced her uncertain, only knowing he wanted to be with her.
They dropped down, laying in the sand together and she started kissing him. After each kiss she said, "It's okay." She imagined kissing away his internal scars and all of the pain, he had endured over the years. "It's okay," Kiss "It's okay, Corrie." Kiss, kiss "It's okay."
She didn't know if anything was going to change between them or if they were just starting the cycle back up again. She knew they had both come up to the edge, the closest they'd ever been but neither of them let go. After a few minutes, he rested his head on her chest and she ran her fingers thought his hair as she softly hummed. The wind picked up slightly and some clouds were forming in the sky. She looked up at them and wondered if they might lay here forever, just holding one another in silence but eventually they started talking.
"I am sorry about your birthday."
"It's okay." she said.
"I know it's been three years, I should at least known the date."
"Four," she corrected."We met a month before my birthday."
"Well four years but time doesn't-"
"I know you didn't expect it to last this long."
"No I-"
"It's okay," she said not wanting to fight.
"Would you let me speak" he hissed raising his head from her chest. "I just, I don't keep track of time and things. It's not just with you. I don't celebrate any holidays."
"What? Really? Wait you don't even celebrate your birthday?"
"Not since after my mom died."
"Really." she said surprised.
"Yeah, I just- My aunt and uncle tried once but I just didn't feel much like holidays anymore. I kind of like to stay current, live in today, this week at best. I can go that far out but when holidays come and go, it's like a reminder of how long its been since I lost my mom and dad."
He laid his head back down on her chest. She kissed the top of his head before saying, "I get that, sometimes I don't think of my mom for a while and then something will remind me of her and it feels like yesterday. Like it feels like she hasn't been gone that long but its been years now."
Corrie let out a sigh, "Yeah, it gets easier as time goes on but also a little harder. At one point, I realized I've spent more of my life without them then with them."
"Wow," said Gwyne. "I never thought of that. It seems wild that the same amount of time I'd spend with her could pass and then some."
"Really, didn't you lose your dad when you were young? It's probably been about that long."
"Has it?" said Gwyne then she realized it had. She had in fact lived longer without him, then with him. "Wow."
"Sorry to bring you down."
"No it just feels strange."
"I know," said Corrie, "It's why I don't like to keep track of months or years at a time. I just. want to focus on the here and now and what I can do in this moment."
"Yeah," she said finding it hard to swallow as things were put in perspective. "So is it just holidays or do you not celebrate anything? Like accomplishments."
"I still go to parties and sometimes I'm required to attend celebrations for work or if someone asks. I'm not gonna tell a kid I wont come to their birthday party. I just mean major holidays things that happen, yearly."
"Oh," said Gwyne then things go quiet for a little while.
After a few minutes he asked "How was your birthday? Did you do anything?"
She blushed knowing exactly what she did but didn't tell him that instead she said, "Uh, Tawnie and I had drinks and she gave me a gift."
"You like it?"
"Yeah!" she said feeling even more awkward. "It was cool." She knew he was no doubt thinking Tawnie got her some trinket or other.
"How goes the job search?"
"Nah," she said, "I want to ask you some questions. How has work been?"
"Okay," he said he sounded sad. "Got some new people I'm still getting used to."
"Ahh."
"Yeah."
She had a feeling he didn't want to get into it so she didn't push. Instead she got back to his question. "Well, as for the job thing. I'm thinking of doing temp work, possibly getting placed somewhere and maybe hired on."
"That's cool." he said. "I could probably get your bike fixed soon, if you need to go anywhere."
"I'm in no rush." she said. "I'll probably just enjoy the rest of this month, then maybe, apply to some agencies."
"Cool, cool" he said.
"What about you anything else going on?"
"Not much," he said, "And you?"
"Oh not too much," she said knowing she was lying. A lot had gone on since they'd last seen each other but she had a feeling they were both holding things back. She didn't push him and he didn't push her. She ran her fingers through his hair and noticed it was getting a bit long on the top. "You letting your hair grow out?
"Nah just been busy I'm probably due for a cut soon."
"What do you think of mine."
"Yours?" he said then sat up and looked at her.
She sat up as well and said. "Seriously, you didn't notice?"
"I did…" he said then admitted looking away "Not."
She slapped his arm. "How could you miss it? It's like super short now."
"Well last night I was exhausted and honestly just happy to see you. Kept missing you ever time I dropped by."
"Yeah I saw you fixed the table."
"I did," he said, "Considering I was the one who broke it, seemed only right."
"Uh...we broke it!"
"Yes we did," he said with a smirk.
"But seriously, what do you think of my hair?"
"Well this morning I thought you just had it tied back."
"I don't." she said shaking her head about showing him.
"Yeah I can see that now."
"So." she said before biting her lip.
He ran his fingers through it, he tussled it then said "It's kind of cute."
"Cute," she jabbed him. He and Dawson had both said the same thing.
"What," he said trying to dodge her jabs, "You don't like cute."
"I do but am I still sexy."
"Oh, yeah," he smiled.
She ran her fingers through her hair, "I don't know how I feel about it. It's growing on me but I don't know... I miss my long hair."
"Then why cut it?"
"It was an experiment," she lied. "Its not like it wont grow back."
"Very true," he said, "Well long or short hair I think you very cute and sexy."
"Right," she hissed, giving him another playful whack.
They leaned in touching their noses together before kissing. The kisses were soft and sweet. After they leaned against one another. They stared out at the water and watched some more people float by. The light breeze picked up some and the sun shined down on them. They couldn't have asked for better weather. She closed her eyes and breathed in scent. He still smelt like wood, a deep forest with a slight musky, smoky scent. She wished they could just stay here like this forever, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow, not even today. She just wanted to stay present in this moment, like him, for as long as she could and for once she managed to. She pushed everything else aside and didn't have a single thought in her head.
/***
He lit another cigarette and took in a long drag, letting the smoke out his nose. His left eye twitched as he glared as the 'happy' couple, sitting along the riverside. He was parked, in a black sports car, with tinted windows not far off. He'd had a front row seat to the lover's spat but things seemed to have calmed down, much to his dismay. He'd finally gotten rid of his daughter this morning. She had stayed longer then she was suppose to. He was so eager to see Gwyne that he had driven to her place, straight from the airport, only to find her with her cuck.
Maybe he should have called ahead. He hit the steering wheel. NO! HE shouldn't have to! Gwyne was his...HIS! For all the time and what he paid her, she should be at his beck and fucking call! Yet when he got to her place he saw that asshole cuck frantically running around. The cuck ran into her apartment and came out seconds later with some shoes. For a second he thought they were fighting again. The cuck had her motorcycle loaded in the back of his truck, perhaps this was the big break up. For a moment he got excited.
He considered parking and going up to her place knowing she'd be a mess and he'd probably be able to do whatever he wanted, no questions asks. Yet his curiosity got the better of him, he followed the cuck's truck as he sped off in a hurry. He wanted to know what he was up to. The cuck drove erratically, slowing to look up and down every street. He soon realized the idiot was looking for something.
This went on for several blocks until he pulled along the riverside and dashed out of his truck. He'd parked and looked to see what had caught his eye. He saw Gwyne along the riverside and realized she must have run off. If he had only arrived a few minutes earlier he might have been able to pull along side her and scoop her up. Again he hit the stirring wheel cursing under his breath. He put out his cigarette and lit another hoping to calm down but it wasn't helping.
He watched the two talk and it looked like they might still be fighting. She turned away and he thought he might have a chance to get her but the cuck grabbed her. They exchanged more words and embraced. He thought he could handle this...seeing them together. He'd seen her fucking around with others and the other night he'd really seen what a whore she was. Yet seeing her with her CUCK sickened him. The way she moved and how they held each other.
He wanted to get out of the car and beat the living shit out of the cuck. He'd grind him into mush then drag him into the water and let him drown. As for her he'd grab her and lock her up where the sun never shined. She would always be ready then! She'd wait only for him and cater to his ever need. She'd live out the rest of her miserable little life only for him. He took in another large puff held it in for a moment then let it out closing his eyes.
He groaned clutching the steering wheel he should just drive off but he couldn't look away from them. He opened his eyes glaring at them once more. The longer he stared at them in their loving embrace the angrier he got. He flared his nostrils and put out another cigarette, thinking it was time he and the cuck official met. He picked up his car phone then dialed a number. He waited for it to ring then took a big puff of his cigarette and let it out as someone answered. "Hello, yes," he said with a big grin. "I'd like to make a donation!"
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