Everything felt so intense and magical, the music, the lighting, the smells and the crowd. I really just wanted to get swallowed up by it all. I just wanted to live right here and now in this moment and beat forever. I lost myself deeper in the crowd. Body's were bumping and smashing into each other, some guy came up from behind and grabbed hold of me.
I pressed my body back against his and we moved as one. I could feel his stiffness and toyed with him moving my butt against it. After a moment he turned me round and pulled me in. We kissed and he put his tongue in my mouth. For a moment we made out, then he squeezed my ass tightly and grabbed hold of my arm. He pulled me through the crowd and led me to the men's room, people were going in and out.
He lined up something on the long bathroom counter and I didn't even question what it was. I took it in and my brain felt like it was on fire, my entire body tingled and I started swaying again. He jerked me over to the counter and pulled the bottom of my dress up to my waist. I wasn't wearing any underwear. He ran his hand over my privates then yanked the top of my dress drown to my middle, exposing my breasts.
I looked at myself in the mirror, only it wasn't me, it was some other woman. She had on heavy make up and her eyes were glossed over. Her breasts were beautiful, she had nipples piercings that flickered and changed colors. The man bent her over the counter, no bent me...bent me over. I didn't understand. She was me...I was her...How?
The man pulled his dick out and roughly shoved it into me. I swear I could feel it, my body stung but felt good. I liked it rough, hard and fast. He bashed me into the counter as men came in out, washing their hands or doing drugs on the counter. One of the stalls opened and I saw a woman squatting as she was giving two guys a blow job at the same time..
The man pulled out and spun me around, demanding my full attention. He lifted me up on the counter and I spread my legs so he could enter again. He grinding into me, pounded his heart out. I looked at him but had no idea who he was. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to get fucked up. I wanted to get lost. My life had fallen apart and nothing mattered anymore. More people came in and out, some watched, but the man and I paid them little mind. We were so lost in our own little world.
Everything else faded to the background but his hard pumping into my pussy. Soon I cried out, climaxing. My body twisted and twinged as I came all over myself. I could feel my muscles grip his hard cock and I wrapped my arms around him as he just kept bashing into me. The drugs enhanced everything, the music, the lights and above all my orgasms. Everything just felt so fucking awesome right now. There were no yesterdays and no tomorrows, only today, right here and now.
I dragged my fingers through his hair and saw I had nail extensions. He picked up his pace and I knew he was close. I held on for dear life as he fully lifted me off the counter and just held me to him thrust. Then suddenly he burst inside me. It felt like he let out a lot, it was warm and I could feel it spraying into me. I laughed as he emptied out inside me and then pulled me off him. Back on my feet, I fixed my dress pulling it down and up as his seed started seeped out of me.
"What's your name?"He asked almost breathless.
I barely heard him over the music and the pounding of my heart. I watched him put himself away and begin to button his pants. I fixed my hair and adjusted my breasts, letting my flashing nipple rings poke out just a little at the top of my dress. The guy kept asking for my name but I didn't say a word to him as I was not interested in making attachments. I just smiled at him and stumbled out of the men's room.
It wasn't the first time I'd done it with a stranger from the dance floor but this one had been a bit more vigorous then the others. My knees were shaking from the quick pounding I just took and I could barely walk. I almost fell in my platforms. I was a right sloppy mess but I didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't care what became of me. I was just living for the moment and trying to make it last as long as it could.
I wanted to go back to dance floor and lose myself in the music again but the man pursued me. He kept asking my name but I just laughed him off. Still he followed me closely. He scared away any other men that came up to dance with me. I kept ignore him until he finally grasped hold of the back of neck and roughly pulled me to him. He dropped his hands between my legs and pinched my clit to get my full attention.
I looked at him as he told me, it didn't matter what my name was that from now on this cunt was his. He let go of my clit and wrapped his arms around me. He whispered in my ear now that he'd found me he was never letting me go. I was so high I didn't take him seriously. I thought he was full of shit but there was this intensity in his eyes, when he pulled back. They were a color I'd never seen before I don't know if it was the drugs or something else but they almost seemed to glow in the dark...this blue...like ice.
I didn't know what his deal was but I didn't push him away. I just kept dancing and he got behind me. He entangling me in his embrace and began roughly fingering me on the dance floor. Then he pulled up my dress and entered me from behind, right there in front of everyone, he fucked me. He had no shame but neither did I.
Suddenly he was kissing me almost feverishly so but we weren't in the club anymore, we were on a bathroom floor. I was on my stomach, my face... my cheek was flat against the cold tile. He was pounding into me from behind. I was so...so confused. The room seemed familiar to me somehow. I heard a bathtub running with water…the lights were off but I could make out sinks that had no handles, and there were no mirrors. I also saw several toilets without the stalls.
I didn't understand. I knew this place but felt so out of it that it was hard to...to recall from just where. Yet I knew I had been here before and not just in some other life but...but...when. I cried out as he increased his pace. He roughly pound me into the title grunting and groaning in my ear as he lay on top of me
"Uh, Uhhh, fuck. FUCK! I need to stop. I can not keep doing this but I- Uh, I can't get enough."
He began feverishly kissing the back of my neck once more as he ran his fingers through my hair and grinded into me. I tried to move and get out from underneath him as the bathtub began to overflow, sending water all over the floor. I closed my eyes as it reached me. I was suddenly on a beach laying on my stomach. I felt warm water lapping against my skin or was it the sun that was making me warm? I didn't know, I tried to roll over onto my back or even my side but felt, so...so sick.
I vaguely recalled being on a ship, not just any ship either but an air ship. We'd been soaring above the clouds and everything had been so beautiful. I'd always wanted to go on a flying ship and I was on my honeymoon but then there...there was a storm. I opened my eyes seeing my hand in the wet sand. I still had my wedding ring on but where was my husband, my love? Wait! Where was I?
Someone rolled me over, onto my back and began slapping my cheeks. I looked up to see the captain's face. His head was bleeding and he seemed distraught. "You are alive! Someone else is alive! Wake up, come on, wake up!" he urged. We locked eyes and his ice blue eyes suddenly lit up, "That's it," He said grabbing both my cheeks.
Suddenly I was in that bathroom again, only this time I was in the bathtub. "Drink...drink," someone urged holding a glass of something to my lips.
My vision blurred and then came into focus. I was in a tub wet, warm and naked. A man leaned over the tub holding a glass for me to drink. I knew him but didn't know him in this moment. It was crazy confusing. My eyes widened as I tried to make sense of anything.
The man just kept urging "Drink, drink, come on now, that's it, good girl." I felt something going down my throat. It was chalky and sweet, too sweet almost sickly so. I'd had this before but when? Soon my vision blurred once more as the man stepped away. Even with my blurred vision I could tell he was naked too. I began to slowly sinking in the tub. I was tired...so very tired. I was so out of it that I didn't bother to struggle as I went under the water.
A young man grabbed me by the collar of my jacket. It was pouring rain as he lifted me off my feet and shook me. I was smaller then him weaker. I knew I couldn't fight him even if I tried. People were cheering him on as he beat and berated me. He threw me and I hit the ground hard, water and mud went everywhere. Blood was pouring down my face, my body felt sore and broken.
I realized I was dreaming and everything made sense now, it was all just dreams...no memories of the past. The nightclub, the bathroom, the beach and now this. Wait was this the past? Or was it happening right now. It felt so...so vivid. My dreams had never been so detailed. I really felt like I was here in this moment in time yet somehow I knew this wasn't me...not anymore.
I knew who I was now but could also feel who I'd been. In this life I'd been a guy. I could feel myself, my body and how it differed from my current one. I got to my hands and knees and saw my reflection in a puddle of water. I had dirty blond shaggy hair. I waved to myself, it was so wild being other people...yet still being me.
The guy that was kicking my ass, came up behind me and kicked me in the back. I fell into the mud once more. He kicked me again and again and things weren't soo cool anymore as I felt it. The pain was slightly dulled but still hurt so much. I cried out and curling up into a ball trying to protect myself.
The man yelling at the top of his lungs, "I OWN YOU BITCH!"
I was scared of him, even without seeing his eyes I knew it was the Shadow Man. I could feel him now and felt his presents wash over me. I didn't want him to hurt me anymore and cried out "Please,"
He scoffed and then yelled, "PLEASE WHAT! BEG BITCH! BEG!"
"PLEASE!" I begged. "Please stop HURTING ME!"
I moved to grovel before him I touched his shoes then looked up at him as he looked down at me cruelly. He punched me in the face. It hurt so bad I felt like he was gonna knocked the eyes out of my head. He grabbed me my by my hair and began dragging me through the mud. He took out a switch blade and flipped it open. He showed me the blade and I saw lighting flash off of it.
Thunder roared as he spat "You don't know what pain is."He yanked my hair nearly pulling it out as he yelled "IF YOU EVER TRY TO LEAVE AGAIN! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!"
I nodded pleading with him, "Yes, yes, please stop."
"I OWN YOU!" he roared, "YOU'RE MINE! SAY IT!
I didn't hesitate. "I'M YOURS. YOU OWN ME!"
"THAT'S RIGHT YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT ME! AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU! YOU'D BE DEAD IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME!"
He brought the knife up close to my throat. "THE WAY I SEE IT YOUR LIFE IS MINE! SO I DECIDE IF YOU LIVE AND I DECIDE IF YOU DIE!"
I was starting to lose consciousness but complied, "Yes, yes," Tears streamed down my face as my lips quivered.
He flicked the knife and put it away but he didn't let go of me, he yanked my head back and ordered, "OPEN YOUR MOUTH!"
I opened my mouth and he gathered up a large wad of spit before spitting it into my mouth. I felt it hit the back of my throat and I gagged feeling sick. He let go of me and I fell to the ground…water and mud went everywhere. A second later I felt him step on my back, like he'd conquered me and I suppose he had.
/
I woke feeling sick, weak and so very cold. I didn't know if it was night or day, someone had soup broth. They helped me to drink it. "That's it, there we go," I drank and drank until there was no more, then I felt someone help me lay back down.
I turned on my side and felt someone rub my back. For a moment I felt good, I wondered if I was back home in my bed. My mom used to bring me soup and rub my back when I was sick. I called out to her, "Mom, oh mom, I missed you. Can I come home?" The hand stopped rubbing me and went away. I heard footsteps, then the door to me room open and close, a moment later I passed out.
/
I woke to Nurse Violet tugging on me, "Come on now! Wake up already! Let's go!"
"What," I said confused.
I slowly sat up in bed, feeling horribly stiff. My entire body ached as if I had been sleeping for ages, and I didn't understand what was going on. My head felt all foggy, I found it hard to form or keep thoughts. I laid back down and Nurse Violet poked me. She tried to get me to sit up again, but I was too tired. Eventually, she let me be, and I passed out again.
/
I woke again to Nurse Violet tugging on me. She moved me to the end of my bed and cursed as she lifted me up. She dragged me to a nearby wheelchair and strapped me in. I was only vaguely aware of her pushing me out of my room.
/
I woke in the washroom, Nurse Violet had started filling a bathtub and was taking my clothes off. I dozed off an on again and almost fell back to sleep but she slapped my cheeks, waking me. She guided me to the bathtub, which was full of hot water and I sunk in. The water felt good on my aching muscles and after a while I sunk down and then under the water.
/
I woke in a bathtub gasping for air. Someone was holding me up, it took me a moment to realize I wasn't dreaming and that Nurse Violet had her arms under mine. She shook her head at me. "Did you really SERIOUSLY just fall asleep in the tub!"
I was so confused, this was- I gasped coughing up some water. I wiped my face and looked around some so very, very confused. What was I doing here? How! How had I gotten here? The last thing I remember was- It was all a bit blurry, sitting a my desk or I don't know. I couldn't recall the last thing I remembered.
"I don't understand?" I cried out.
"What don't you understand?" she asked letting me go.
"How? How did I get here?" I asked struggling to hold myself up above the water.
"Seriously, this again!" she hissed rolling her eyes. "I woke you up, like I do every morning and, took you to the washroom and you got in the bathtub."
"But I don't remember, any of it!" I said staring off into space.
"That's because you started your new medication yesterday, remember, your sleeping aid. I swear you were sleeping so hard this morning, I could barely wake you and now you're taking your time in the bathtub, asking me stupid questions. I really don't have time for this!" She clapped her hands together "Come on now, you are done in here, let's get you out."
She reached for me and helped me to shakily stand. I still felt so disoriented and my body felt sore all over. "I don't feel good."
"As to be expected," said Nurse Violet drying me off "It's a side effect of the new medication."
"I don feel good." I said again. Wait! Had I just said that just now or thought it. I...I didn't know. I felt so out of it. This room felt familiar well it was the washroom but I don't know I felt I'd been here. The room started spinning and my eyes kept focusing and unfocusing.
"Come now," said Nurse Violet.
She helped me to dress and then got me back in the wheelchair. She wheeled me out into the hall and we passed Hogan and Dr. Cole. When we got to my room, there was a large cinnamon roll and two boxed milks waiting on my desk. She handed it to me and I found myself pleasantly surprised. I loved cinnamon rolls and boxed milk but the cafeteria rarely served them, "Well it served boxed milk but not so much cinnamon rolls and never so big!"
"What are you babbling on about, now?" asked Nurse Violet.
I realized I'd said that last part out loud. "Oh, Sorry."
"Just eat," she hissed
I ate and then she helped me back to bed. It didn't take long before I passed out again. When I woke up, it was time to eat once more. I ate and then heard Dr. Cole speaking. For a moment I thought he was in the room and then I realized his voice was coming through a speaker in the wall. "Hey." I said thinking that was neat. I got up to look at it but fell down. Nurse Violet got me up and put me back in bed, shaking her head. "You really are out of it aren't you!"
"What?" I said confused.
She didn't respond, she just left the room. Some music started playing and I smiled, listening to it. I almost pass back out but a few minutes later, Nurse Violet returned with a tray and said "It's time for your medicine."
I looked up at her as she handed me a cup. For a moment I didn't know what to do with it. She helped me to drink it, lifting my hand, then I fell back in bed. It didn't take me long to pass out again. I spiraled though so many dreams that it was hard to keep track of them all. However I remember this one dream that was very vivid.
I dreamt my mother was crouched down in front of me. Only she looked older now, she had white in her hair and her face had more wrinkles. Her brow was furrowed with worry as she said, "I just don't understand, Dr. Phillipston said she was doing better."
"Yes," said Dr. Cole, crouching down next to her. He adjusted a blanket that was on my lap. I realized I was sitting in a wheelchair. Dr. Cole let out a heavy sigh, "There is a reason he retired, his mind just wasn't what it used to be. A lot of things slipped under his watch over the last few years and several patients fell through the cracks. When the board put me in charge, I vowed to correct his mistakes and make sure every patient got the best care and treatment, they deserved."
"Well, what do we do now?" My father asked standing behind them. He looked older too much older then my mother. He barely had any hair left and he had his hat in his hands. I could see he was upset, he kept twisting it, "Wait longer?"
"Yes, when do you think we can take her home now, in a few months, another year?" My mother asked.
Dr. Cole stood up and shook his head, "I'm sorry but I no longer believe that is the case. Hannah needs special attention. She requires a lot of medication and round the clock care that only I and Meadow Brooke can provide."
"How much is that going to cost?" My father asked. I could tell he was worried. I wished I could give him a hug but once again I found I couldn't move in this dream. It was so strange this kept happening. Some drool escaped my mouth and my mother wiped it up with her handkerchief before she stood and looked to Dr. Cole.
"We don't mean to ask about the price, it's just the two of us now and our farm well-"
Dr. Cole put his hand up, "It's quite alright, Mrs. Green no need to explain. I fully understand. Given Hannah's situation, I believe it is in her best interest to become a permanent ward of Meadow Brooke Asylum, under my care. We can discuss the details in my office. I have some paperwork for you to sign but her future care will be fully provided for by the Meadow Brooke Foundation."
"Oh," said both my parents they sounded surprised.
"Yes, after all, our founder, Gallo Brooke, started this fine institution, after his own daughter Meadow Brooke, became mentally unwell"
"Yes, it's why we chose this place. She was actually cured was she not." said my mother.
"Yes but every patient is unique, Mrs. Greene."
"I- I understand, it's just hard to take." said my mother her voice cracking. She started to cry and my father rushed to her side.
He wrapped his arm around her and said "Forgive my wife, Dr. Cole, she blames herself for the accident."
"It was an accident Mrs. Greene." said Dr. Cole. "No one could have anticipated such an outcome. The main thing now is your daughter is alive and safe and will be cared for."
"Yes," she said sobbing, "I just- I just miss her. It was so nice to hear her voice when she called."
I missed her too. I missed talking to her and hugging her. I was still very bitter about everything but in this moment my heart softened. I wish this dream were real that she was here and we could reunite, if only for a moment. I didn't want to hate her anymore. I just wanted her to hold me like she used to when I was young.
A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. I noticed Dr. Cole look in my direction and then turn away. He turned my parents toward the door, "Yes, well it's important we do the best for Hannah now and see that she is well taken care of. If you'll both come with me, we can get things started."
"Alright," said my father. He helped my mother out of the room.
Dr. Cole started to follow them but returned a second later. He crouched down in front of me again and wiped away my tears with his handkerchief. He took a moment to pull some hair behind my ears and then lift my chin. He smiled at me for a second then left the room.
It was such a strange dream. I closed my eyes for a second and woke to find it was time for breakfast. I swear I had just gone to sleep, hadn't I? My sense of time was all messed up. Nurse Violet insisted I get up but I was still so sleepy. She pulled me into the wheelchair and strapped me in again.
She took me to the cafeteria and parked me in front of my table. She got me a tray of food but I just sat there staring at it. At some point I became aware of an orderly standing next to me.
"Hey, my name is Mikey." I didn't say anything I just looked at him. "I'm a friend of Crimson's."
"Oh." I said smiling. I knew that color or was crimson a person, in that moment I wasn't sure.
"Yeah," he went on "Hang tight we'll be making a break for it soon. You still in?"
"Yeah," I said. Not really sure what I was saying yeah to but he said yeah so I said yeah. It made sense or did it? I just kept staring at him.
He looked at me strangely but eventually nodded, "Alright, keep it a secret and be ready when it's time."
"Okay," I said. He walked off and I had no idea what had just happened. I said okay again and again and again, it was a funny word. "Oh okay"
"What are you doing?" asked Nurse Violet. She seemed to pop up out of nowhere. "You haven't even touched your food!"
"Food," I said then looked back at my plate. I was hungry but too tired to move. She rolled her eyes at me and eventually took my tray away. I wanted it and was sad it was gone. Nurse Violet eventually came back and wheeled me to Dr. Cole's office.
"And how are we today, Hannah" he asked from behind his desk. His voice seemed different more cheerful then usual.
"Good luck." said Nurse Violet, putting her hands on her hips. "She's so out of it, she's drooling and talking to herself."
"Is that so" he said getting up from his desk. He drew in closer. "Can you understand me?"
"Okay," I said.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Yeah," I said.
"I'm holding up fingers," said Nurse Violet, jabbing her fingers in front of my face, "How many?"
"Sure," I said seeing there were fingers.
"Well," she said. "How many?"
I just looked at her fingers, "Yes," I said they were fingers. I smiled and felt water slide down my chin or was it water. "Had I drank?"
Nurse Violet laughed, "I think it's a bit too much, unless this was what you were aiming for."
I watched Dr. Cole head lift in her direction and he pursed his lips before saying, "You can leave."
"Fine!" she snapped. "Whatever!"
She left and Dr. Cole looked back at me "And how are we Hannah?
I smiled. I don't know why.
"You feeling good?" he asked wiping my face with his handkerchief. "Your body feeling good, no more aches and pains?"
"Yeah," I said I didn't really notice it or anything for that matter. Maybe I felt like I was flying yeah, for a moment I dosed off.
Dr. Cole caressed my cheeks and moved some of my hair from my face. "Alright," he said. That's good, you've been very good." He got up and jotted down some notes, then gave me something to drink. I couldn't barely get it down. He smiled at me, then pulled back and began to remove his doctor's coat and loosen his tie. My eyes were so heavy as I watched him unbutton his shirt. Why was he-
/
I must have fallen asleep or something because I woke to Hogan, tucking me into bed. I was oddly warm and my hair was wet. Had I taken a bath? He put the covers over me then adjusted my pillow before stepping out of the room.
/
I woke to Nurse Violet giving me a cup of medicine. I didn't want to take it. I felt so confused and disoriented. I tried to struggle but she simply held my chin and continued to poor the medicine down my throat. When she was done, she pulled back and left the room. I coughed spitting up some of my medicine before rolling over and going back to sleep.
At some point, I heard footsteps, I opened my eyes to see a dark figure in my room. I felt their weight as they got in bed with me. I heard the sound of a lid opening. I felt a hand move past the band of my pants, something cold went between my legs and inside me before I passed out.
/
I woke on my stomach and the room was shaking or maybe it was just the bed? I saw someone's hand next to my face. I could see their watch, though it was dark, it had a slight reflection in the moonlight. My head was flat on the mattress and I felt a strange sensation between my legs. There was this dull pain and I felt something moving in and out of me. I soon realized I was naked.
I heard grunting as my hips were jerked back, someone was slammed into me and I painfully groaned as the dull pain turned into a deep ache. I could feel my insides being pounded, someone was inside me...raping me! Was I having a rape dream? It felt so real as if it were really happening, right here and now! WAIT! This wasn't a dream it! IT WAS REAL! I started to sob getting upset.
The man's grunts suddenly stopped and my body became still. I heard the man curse then shoved my face into my pillow. I couldn't see and I could barely breath. The man started up again pounding into me over and over again. As I woke more, I became even more aware of my situation. I tensed up and my body began to burn with pain.
I soon panicked finding it hard to breathe. I realized I was being suffocated. I struggled to get free as the man picked up his pace. I nearly passed out when suddenly the man stopped. I felt him stiffen and soon there was this feeling of warmth inside me. After a moment, he pulled back and off the bed and I was able to get free of the pillow.
I coughed and gasped for air, my heart pounding in my chest. I heard the sound of keys jingling and before I could react, I felt the man return to my bed. A cloth suddenly covered my mouth and I grasped at it, only to find the man's hand holding the cloth tightly against my face. I breathed something in and felt strange, everything went dark.
/
I woke to the sound of birds chirping. I was outside and the sun was up and out. I didn't understand how I had gotten here. Was this a dream? No, I was in a wheelchair, parked in a shady corner. The sky was so beautiful and the air felt so warm, there was a breeze that drifted through my hair and felt nice. I wanted to stand but found I was strapped in the wheelchair. It took me a moment to get myself undone. Once I had, I tried to stand again but fell to my knees. My body hurt so much. I felt like it had been ages since I'd moved. I crawled about again wondering where I was.
I felt so out of it, unable to recall where I'd last been or even how I had gotten here. My head felt foggy, somehow I managed to stumbled to my feet but nearly fell again. An orderly rushed over to me, grasped hold of his arm and helped me to steady myself.
"Are you okay?" he asked. I don't know why but he seemed familiar.
"I don't understand? What's going on? How did I get out here?"
The orderly helped me back to my wheelchair. Once I was seated he said, "Everything's okay, you are outside and it's common room time."
"Is it?" I said looking around.
"Yeah," he said as I sat back in the chair.
"But how did I get out here?"
"You were wheeled out." he said looking at me "You really don't remember?"
I looked at him again thinking he seemed familiar. "Do I know you?"
"Yeah," he said "Remember I'm Mikey,"
"Mikey," I repeated I don't know why but Crimson suddenly popped into my head, "Crimson?"
"Yeah, that's right I'm her friend. We had a small hitch in our plan, had to delay it but we should be ready soon."
"Soon." I repeated confused.
"Yeah, for our escape," he whispered
"Oh yeah," I repeated recalling it.
"Yeah keep it quiet, remember?" he said.
I nodded. "I will but please, what's going on with me? Why does everything feel so...so foggy,"
"They got you on some new medication," he said looking around. "This asshole up and changed everyone's med's. Half the place is now comatose. These new people in charge are the crazy ones, if you ask me but don't worry. We'll get you out of here soon,"
I nodded hoping he was right. He looked around again and then pulled back a step, "I gotta go. I got to keep up my route." I nodded and he left checking up on the others that were outside.
I watched him for a moment then looked around some more. I realized I was just outside Dr. Cole's office. I look up and saw he was standing at his window. He seemed to be looking down at me. I looked back at him and a moment later Hogan showed up. He got behind my wheel chair and wheeled me to Dr. Cole's office.
When we got inside, Dr. Cole was sitting behind his desk. "And how are we today, Hannah?" he asked.
"What's going on?" I demanded. "My head feels all foggy, I'm confused and disoriented. I hate this new medication!"
"Hate is a rather strong word," said Dr. Cole as Hogan left us."I think you are too quick to judge this new medication. I'll admit, it can take some time getting used to it but Hogan tells me you've been sleeping soundly throughout the night."
"And the day," I pointed out, "I'm always out of it. I just woke up and it's the afternoon, I think. I don't even know anymore, my sense of time is all messed up!"
"Yes, well now that we know it works for you, I can start making some adjustments. I'll lower your dose some and you should start to be more lucid during the day."
"I don't want to take it anymore!" I spat, "I don't like how it makes me feel!"
"Every new medication takes some getting used to, Hannah." he said. "We just need to tweak it until we find the right balance for you. Now how have you been feeling otherwise."
"Otherwise," I repeated, "Haven't you been listening to me! I feel confused and disoriented, my head is so foggy. I can't remember much of anything and I feel like I could fall back asleep at any moment."
"Yes well how about your body? How does it feel?"
"My body," I repeated. I took a moment to think about it. "My body feels all achy and weird, weak"
"How have your dreams been?"
"What dreams," I said "I can barely recall being awake before now?"
"Good," he said jotting down some notes. "You might not recall your dreams but you also don't recall nightmares. I know you were worried about that."
"Yes but I feel like I'm drifting through my entire life now, like I don't even have my memories right now. This all just feels so so so messed up!"
"Give it time," he said continuing to jot down his notes. "I'm giving you time, the least you could do is give me the same courtesy."
"Time! Courtesy!" I scoffed. "I haven't had any time to prove anything. This new medication has my head all messed up."
"You'll get used to it. As I said I'll make adjustments you should come out of it earlier and then you'll have your whole day to search for proof."
"Right," I said not believing him.
"You are up and about now, aren't you." He said "Speaking of which? What were you and that orderly talking about outside?"
"What?" I asked.
"The orderly, Mikey and you seemed to be having a bit of a conversation?"
I tried to think back to it. I know it had just happened but with my brain fog, it felt like ages ago. "Ohh the one that knows Crimson." I said without thinking.
"Crimson?" Dr. Cole said, perking up, he looked away from his notes.
"No," I said. I realized I had to be careful here. We were getting ready for our escape and I couldn't let things slip.
"No, what?" he said.
"No what?" I said confused.
He sighed, "The orderly you were talking to, Mikey knows Crimson."
"I guess," I said playing dumb.
He wasn't buying it "You just said he did." said Dr. Cole, he looked agitated.
"Well, I saw them talking but orderlies talk to everyone."
"So you saw them talking about what?"
"I think." I said. I paused taking a moment or two then began again. "I think it could have been a dream?" Yeah that sounded good! Since he dismissed my dreams so easily, he should easily dismiss me seeing them talk, at least I hoped.
"This is going nowhere," he said adjusting his sunglasses, "What did you two talk about?"
"Oh, nothing really. I just woke up confused. He told me I was outside and on my new medication, then helped me sit down."
"Is that all?" he asked tapping his pen on his desk.
"Yeah," I said hoping he'd believe me.
"Okay," he said. He sat up in his chair and began jotting down some notes.
I bit my lip wondering what he could possibly be writing. I studied him closely, hoping he hadn't picked up on anything. As I looked at him more, I began to notice there was something different about him.
"You seem different," I said.
"Hmm," he said looking up from his notes, "How so?"
I looked at him more closely. His appearance seemed normal enough; maybe his hair was shinier, and he put on some weight. I could no longer see his cheekbones, but that wasn't it. There was just something more about him- something I couldn't quite place, "Never mind, I don't know."
He looked at me for a moment and I noticed, a small smile crept up in the corner of his mouth before he continued jotting down notes. When he was finished he put his pen down and sat back in his chair, "It is dinner, you should go eat. I bet you're hungry."
"I am," I said. "When can I get out of this wheelchair?"
"Whenever you feel steady enough to walk around on your own."
I stood up and my body still felt sore all over. "Why is everything so sore."
"I mentioned it's a side effect of the medication. It makes you sleep so well and deeply. Normally, you'd naturally toss and turn throughout the night, waking up every so often. But this keeps you asleep throughout the night. You end up lying in the same positions for so long, and it causes a stiffness in the body."
"Hmm." I said. I guess that made sense. I wandered around his office for a bit and ran across my reflection in a mirror. I froze when I look at at my neck, there were all sorts of red and purples blotches scattered about it, "Oh?"
"What is it? he asked.
"My neck is covered in marks."
He got up from his desk and examined them. "Hmm it looks like some small bruising, nothing to be alarmed about. Your new medication includes a vasodilator that causes you to bruise far more easily."
I didn't know what that meant. I turned to him and asked. "How many side effects does this have? Is there nothing else I can take?"
"Sadly no, but fret not. While the side effects may seem sever in the beginning, most will slowly tapper off as I make adjustments and you get used to the medication."
I rubbed my neck examining the bruises once more before saying "At this point I'd rather have my nightmares back."
"Really," he said. He sounded surprised.
"Yeah," I continued, "Even thought my nightmares are awful, they only happened ever now and then and at least when I woke up, I was awake." I licked my lips and then tried to reason with him once again. "You know I really, really don't think I need this medication. The only reason I was up at night was because I thought someone was in my room and I know now it was just Hogan doing his rounds at night. I really think I could sleep on my own just fine."
"Yes, well in the end, it is what I think is best that matters." said Dr. Cole. He turned his back to me, continuing "Frankly I'm surprised, Hannah. You made such a fuss over your nightmares only to easily dismiss them now. It's rather inconsistent of you."
"They really are the worst." I insisted, "But these side effects are even more awful!"
"You'll adjust," he said returning to sit behind his desk. It was clear he didn't care what I thought of this medication. Whether I like it or not, I guess I was stuck with it, just like I was stuck with him and this dreadful place. He tidied up his things for a moment before he pushed his buzzard, "I think that will be all for today. I have other things I must attend to."
I don't know why but I suddenly felt he was upset. Had I said something to set him off? I started to hobbled back to my chair as Nurse Violet entered the room. She came in and looked surprised to see me. She smiled then turned to Dr. Cole and teased. "Look who's finally up and about for once."
Her voice sounded strange. I watched Dr. Cole turn his head in her direction. He seemed even more upset and she had this little all knowing grin on her face. I felt like I was missing something here. Like when I was little and the adults were talking about something, I wasn't to know about. I remember them glaring at each other to keep quiet. In this case I couldn't see Dr. Cole's eyes and Nurse Violet's seem to light up with satisfaction. Perhaps they weren't hiding something but had, what was it called a private joke? Yes, maybe they shared some private joke. I furrowed my brow wishing I was in on it.
"It's about time for dinner, see that she eats." Dr. Cole said as he wiped his nose and adjusted his collar.
"Are you sure you're done with her?" said Nurse Violet, crossing her arms. There was something playful in her tone.
"Yes." said Dr. Cole through gritted teeth, "You can take her."
Nurse Violet rolled her eyes then looked me over, "Can she even walk or do I need to keep pushing her around?"
"I think I can." I said taking a few wobbly steps.
"Just to be safe, take her in the chair," said Dr. Cole adjusting his sunglasses..
"Right," said Nurse Violet, she sounded put out now.
I thought about insisting I could walk but when I thought about it, the cafeteria was a pretty long walk from here. I took several steps toward the chair and she grew impatient. She stepped up to the wheelchair and pushed it the rest of the way to me. I sat down and she started to back me out of the room, when Dr. Cole called out to her.
"Also, after you see to her, have Hogan collect orderly Mikey, I'd like to have few words with him."
"What! Why?" I blurted out before she could respond. They both looked at me.
Dr. Cole furrowed his brow as he responded. "It's none of your business."
He looked to Nurse Violet and she sighed, "Yes, of course."
She slowly backed me out of the room and pushed me down the hall. I bit my lower lip worrying I might have gotten Mikey in trouble. I hoped not! I hoped I hadn't messed up our escape plans or more as their escape plan! Who knows what Crimson and Mikey had been planning. I was just hoping to tag along. I closed my eyes really hoping I hadn't messed this up.
Nurse Violet pushed me to my spot in the cafeteria and got me a tray of food. I ate it nervously looking around. I hoped to see Mikey but I didn't. I wasn't sure if he was normally on cafeteria duty or not. I think he spoke to me here once but I couldn't be sure if it was a dream. There were so many things I wasn't sure of, when I thought about it. Usually I could tell the difference between a memory or a dream but with this new medication, they began to merge and become tangled in one another.
After dinner I was taken to the washroom and relieved myself. When I wiped, I noticed I was extra wet between my legs. It was weird, to be producing so much liquid. It also looked strange, there was some redness to it. I wondered if it was that time of month but hadn't I just had that or no, it had been sauce. I couldn't recall how many days it had been since my last one.
After I cleaned up and washed my hands, I was taken back to my room. I looked through my journals seeing what I had last written. It all felt so long ago now. I knew I should gather more proof but I still felt so tired. Maybe after Dr. Cole "adjusted" my medication some, I would feel better or at least have more energy. I went to the window and looked outside for a while. Before I knew it, it was time for the nightly announcement and my medication. I didn't want to take it but knew I didn't have a choice, not if I wanted to keep looking for proof. Once again I hoped I would find it soon and be released.
Nurse Violet came in as the announcement ended. I hadn't even listened to it. She handed me my cup of medication and I looked at it, there seemed to be less so maybe things would improve. I took it then got into bed as the music started up. I listened to it until lights out and began to feel sleepy. As I drifted off to sleep, I thought I heard someone whistling. It slowly got louder until I saw a shadowy figure outside my door. I heard the lock click and my door swung open as I closed my eyes.
/
My heart pounded in my chest as I tried to get away. I could barely stand let alone run. My privates stung and I knew I'd been raped. I was lost, trying to find my way in the dark… lights could be seen in the distance, flickering every now and then but I couldn't get to them. I couldn't escape! Still I kept trying, my hands hitting walls, I realized I was in some sort of dark maze.
I heard a voice calling out to me. "Now where do you think you're going? Where are you going to go that I can't find you, huh?"
I ignored the voice and kept going, bumping into more walls. I heard footsteps draw closer as I ran through a dark curtain. I entered a room that was brighter, there were mirrors everywhere. I realized I was in a mirror maze. I could hear what sounded like screams, various bells and music. The sounds were so familiar...was I at some sort of fair or carnival?
If...if I could just make it to the sounds, if I could just find my way out of here, then I'd be saved! I heard a loud ringing and used it to get to an exit. I rushed through a large dark doorway, hoping to step outside but instead, I opened my eyes. I was back in my hospital room and a loud alarm was going off. It was dark, the middle of the night and I wasn't alone! I felt a weight lift from my chest as a shadowy figure sat up and cursed. They got out of my bed and on to their feet. For a sliver of a second, they stepped into the moonlight that peered through my window and I could see the figure was a naked man.
I saw his backside as I heard the sound of a belt rattle. The man picked up his pants and hurriedly put them on. Once they were on, he stepped into some shoes, then gabbed something from my desk. I could just barely make out the sleeve of a shirt...his other clothes perhaps. As he picked them up things slid off my desk, hitting the floor. The man cursed again but didn't bother picking them up, instead he rushed from my room, leaving the door open.
I hadn't been able to make out who it was...only seeing flashes of him and his things in the moonlight. I laid there feeling so very tired. My head felt foggy and my body had this dull ache. I nearly passed out again but the alarm was still blaring throughout my room. It kept me up. The sound...the alarm, it was the one they sounded when they needed help. I'd seen the nurses and orderlies push it a few times when there was a problem.
I wanted to close my eyes and go back to bed but my mind kept churning. I woke up more becoming aware of my surroundings. It was so dark still some time of night. Someone had just been in my bed. Someone else had been here! This was important! I needed to- I needed to write this down! Yes! Was I in my room? Yes! I felt like my mind was an echo chamber.
I started to close my eyes but fought to stay awake. I needed to write this down and remember. Somehow, I managed to roll myself and grab my dream journal from the floor. I flipped it open, grabbed my pencil and started scribbling in the dark. "Man in bed." I knew I wrote bad when I was half awake so I wrote it again. Man in bed" before dropping it and the pencil on the floor. I hoped, I'd remember, I hoped! I- I- I closed my eyes and passed out.
/
I woke up feeling sluggish once more. It was sometime in the morning, perhaps even early afternoon, I didn't get much done but at least I was awake for most of the day. The next day or maybe the day after, I woke up feeling slightly better and then after another day maybe a week, who knows, I finally woke up in the morning for once, when Nurse Violence... Violet came to get me. I woke to her telling me to move it and was pleasantly surprised to find I wasn't tired and my head, for the first time in a long time, was actually somewhat clear.
Nurse Violet took me to washroom and I took a hot bath. I wasn't a hundred percent sure but I think lately, I had been bathing nearly every day. I recalled other times I'd been in the bathtub which was another good sign. I was happy my memory was coming back to me but thought it was weird to bath so much. Though I suppose the hot water was helping my aching muscles, at least when I got out of the tub I hurt less.
I had breakfast in the cafeteria, applesauce and oats, with blueberries and banana's. It was quite tasty. Even though I know I had it before there was just something about being wide awake that made everything all the more amazing. I cleared my tray and it was off to the library. I noticed they had more books and new books at that. I picked a few out and mostly browsed through them. It had been a while since I'd held a new book.
Lunch was mash potatoes, a side of pork, onions and cranberries. Then it was off to common room time. I was so happy I hummed to myself as I looked at the various plants that had started to grow. The sunshine felt fantastic and that fresh air. Again it was so nice to be present in ones life. I never realized how much I had under valued consciousness. I guess Dr. Cole had figured out this medication stuff after all.
I saw Mikey, helping another patient a few feet away. I was relieved to see him and glad things seemed to be okay. I was a little worried I might have got him in trouble. I wanted to ask him about it but I noticed Dr. Cole, standing at his window. I realized he was watching me. I had to be careful! Yes very careful when it came to Dr. Cole! I had to stay far, far away from Mikey, should Dr. Cole even suspect, what we were all planning.
Dr. Cole suddenly waved to me and I waved back. It was unusual for him to wave first. After outside time. I was taken to dinner. It was screw shaped pasta with bits of beef and this creamy mushroom sauce. There was also apple slices and a biscuit. It was so good I wished I could have had seconds. After I was finished I was taken to the washroom then back to my room. I noticed it had gotten a bit messy, a bunch of stuff had fallen off my desk and onto the floor.
I picked it up finding it strange but I guess I must have knocked it off at some point. I browsed my journals and drawings, knowing what I was suppose to be doing but I still felt a little out of it and wanted to just relax for a bit. Maybe in a few days, I'd start feeling even better and could get back into things once more but for now, I decided to do something else. I shut my journal then wandered around my room for a bit. Eventually I went to my bed, thinking I'd turn in early, however as I stepped up it, I stepped on some colored wax, breaking it into two pieces.
I groaned in frustration and picked it up. I examined it for a moment and wondered if any of it could be salvaged. Then I wondered why it was just out on the floor in the first place. I didn't think it had fallen off my desk so it must have come from my bed. Maybe from my dream journal but I usually kept the colored wax tucked between the pages. I used to use a pen but kept smudging the ink in my sleep.
I looked for my dream journal on the floor and found it had fallen face down with the pages open. I lifted it up, thinking it had been a while since I'd used it, given the new medication knocked me out. I wondered if I'd written anything down without realizing it. I flipped through some pages and saw a few dreams, I recalled writing before my medication then some blank pages. I nearly closed the journal but as I turned one last page, I saw some scratchings on it.
It was nearly illegible but I made out two lines, maybe? I found I could make out, "in bed" on the first line, then on the second line "man" before it sloppily trailed off. I went back and forth between the two lines. I realized the first word in the first line kind of looked like "man". I think I'd written the same line twice. I was trying to write "Man in bed?" Was that a thing? Did I have a dream of a man being in my bed. I pondered it for a moment then shut my dream journal. I put it back in its usual place, before I stood to get a new piece of colored wax. As I crossed the room it hit me. I vaguely recalled an alarm and someone having been in bed with me.
YES! A MAN! A NAKED MAN HAD BEEN IN MY BED! He had cursed and then put on his pants and grabbed things from the desk. I looked at my desk, yes, it was why...why I had things on the floor! It made sense now! WAIT! THIS! THIS WASN'T A DREAM but if it wasn't a dream that meant-
The speaker popped on in my room, with Dr. Cole's voice. He began his nightly announcement but I barely paid attention to it as I struggled to understand what all this meant. A moment later the door to my room opened and I looked to see Nurse Violet, with my nightly medication.
Without thinking, I called out to her, "Nurse Violet!"
"Hmm, what is it?" she said shutting the door behind her.
"I think someone was in my room, a man, a naked man was in my bed!"
She paused for a moment, looked at me, then rolled her eyes and sighed, "This again! No one has been in your room that isn't authorized."
"NO!" I shouted, "I swear, a naked man was! He put his clothes on my desk and they fell to the ground when he took them away."
She rolled her eyes yet again, "Right, I'm sure you just knocked things off yourself, with the way you walk." I could see she didn't believe me.
"It happened!" I cried recalling even more. "There- There was an alarm! Yes!"
"Not this morning." she said.
"No maybe not but I'm not sure when this was! I know I woke to the alarm and this man...the man he cursed and then grabbed...grabbed his clothes." I moved about my room gesturing to my desk and the floor, reenacting it.
"Sit down," she insisted, "It's time to stop this nonsense, settle yourself and take your medicine so you can go to bed. I'm sure whatever you think you saw was just a dream, nothing more."
"NO!" I protested, shaking my head, "I know my dreams! This...THIS REALLY HAPPENED!"
"No it didn't!" she snapped back, "No one was in here! I am the only on that comes in here. NOW sit down and shut up!"
She gave me a stern look but again I disobeyed. "PLEASE!" I insisted "Please believe me!"
"Take your medication!" she said ignoring me. She lifted the cup of medicine from her tray and handed it to me but I was too upset.
I refused to take it. Instead I batted it away and tossed it to the floor. "NO! DON'T YOU SEE! SOMEONE WAS IN MY ROOM, IN MY BED! I can't take that, I wont! They- THEY COULD COME BACK!"
She looked at the medication on the floor but didn't say a word. She simply turned on her heels and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her. I knew I shouldn't have thrown it but I was upset. Something serious had happened here but she was just dismissing it without a second thought. I paced around my room, trying to think about what had happened. It was all so much! I was still taking it in!
A naked man had been in my bed why! Why? Just what was he doing? NO! What had he done? I stopped pacing as I had a guess but I didn't want to even think it! I dipped a hand down my pants and past my under my underwear. Very carefully I slid a finger between my legs. My sex felt strange, wet and swollen. Why had I not taken notice of this before? Well, I had earlier in the bathroom. I had noticed how wet it was and a few times it had felt strange but everything felt strange these days, I had just dismissed it. I dipped my finger inside my entrance. I didn't touch myself very often, having little to no privacy here but I know what it felt like down there well enough, at least, I knew how it was suppose to feel.
My finger could never go in very far, there had always been this sex barrier. I sunk my finger in deeper and deeper realizing it was no longer there. I stood there for a moment confused. Where had it gone? Was I mistaken, no, I moved my fingers around more it was so wet and...and slimy? I pulled my finger out and looked at it, there was some sort of substance on it, I'd never seen before. It was clear and clumpy it reminded me of my mothers thick jelly she'd rub on her skin, when it got dry.
There was also this white stuff. I tapped my finger against one another examining it's consistency. I smelled it, unsure of what it was at first. It took me a moment to realize, it was….it was semen! Yes I recalled having seen it in my memories before. Strangely I had this sudden vague memory of laying on my back, a penis between my breast, jabs of semen shooting out over my chest and face. Had that been a dream or? I was getting distracted. I needed to focus! I sat down on my bed struggling to think, what this all meant.
No! I knew what this meant! I had sex only I...I...I hadn't been awake for it. I closed my eyes finally thinking clearly. It wasn't sex! No I had been raped! Someone must have taken advantage of me while I was on my new medication. I shook my head as tears began to well up in my eyes. I couldn't believe this! I didn't want to believe this but it was the only thing that made sense.
The naked man in my bed, the way my body felt and the things that had come out of me! I was so focused on my thoughts that I was only vaguely aware of my door opening. A second later, Hogan stepped into my room and he didn't look happy, then again when did he ever. I stood as he rolled up his sleeves. Behind him was Nurse Violet with another cup of medicine. I realized they were going to force me to take my medication but I couldn't, not after what I had just discovered.
"NO!" I cried. "I CAN'T TAKE THAT! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I THINK- I THINK I WAS RAPED!"
Neither of them reacted! Neither of them seemed to care. How could they not care! They-They probably thought I was crazy! YES! Given this was an asylum they probably thought this was just another fit of madness. I needed to make them understand this was real but how? I backed up as much as as could as Hogan kept coming.
Nurse Violet only reassured my assumptions as she spat, "Clearly she's delusional!"
"I'M NOT CRAZY! PLEASE YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!" I pleaded finally hitting the wall.
"We don't HAVE to do anything." Nurse Violet hissed.
I tried to slide along the wall and stay away from them but Hogan quickly cornered me. He reached out and grabbed my arm so hard I thought he was going to break it as he yanked me to him. He turned me, pinning my arms behind my back with ease, then shove me towards Nurse Violet.
She had a little grin on her face as she said. "Now now, calm down, you'll feel better once you have your medication."
"NO! NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT! THE MAN, HE COULD COME BACK! PLEASE BELIEVE ME!"
She tried to bring the cup to my mouth but I shut it. She grabbed hold of my nose and I shook my head trying to get her to let go but she pinned it closed, until I had to opened my mouth to breath. She tried to force the medicine in my mouth but I refused to swallow it. I let it slide down my chin and chest, and spat out what made it into my mouth, on Nurse Violet.
After a moment she lost it throwing the cup to the floor. She slapped me hard across the face and screamed "YOU FUCKING BITCH!"
Hogan pinned my arms even tighter behind my back, then said, "You don't want to behave fine. Let us show you the new reflection room."
Nurse Violet eyes flickered with excitement as a smile spread across her face, "Oh yes, let us."
I didn't like her sudden excitement. She turned on her heels and left the room. Hogan forced me to follow her. As they dragged me down the hall I kept trying to explain, "You don't understand! Please listen to me! Someone has been coming to my room. A naked man was in my bed. I think I was raped!"
Neither responded to my cries, they just continued to walk me to the reflection room. When we went through the double doors, I could see new walls had been put up. I found it alarming! Hadn't it only been a few weeks? The entire area had been changed, where there used to be five doors in a row, there was now only three. How had they gotten so much work done, so quickly. I remember when my father built our barn, he'd had help but it had taken months.
This area wasn't as big as a barn but still it should have taken at least a month or two. They took me into the center room. I expected the room to be small with padded walls but the room was bigger and there was no padding on walls. There was just this weird metal looking table, with straps, in the center of the room. I don't know why but that scared me more.
Hogan took me to it and forced me onto it. He pinned me on my back as Nurse Violet walked around strapping me down. She strapped my ankles, knees, waist, chest, wrist, arms and neck. I was completely bound to the table. I tried to struggle but found I could barely move. Nurse Violet put a blind fold over my eyes and then strapped my forehead down to the table. I got upset being unable to move or see and started to scream. A moment later I felt them shove something into my mouth and locked it in place, gagging me. I couldn't see, speak, or move. Yep! This was way worse then the last room!
"It's time you reflect on your poor behavior," hissed Nurse Violet "And stop making stuff up."
I moaned in protest, someone checked my straps tugging on them before I heard their footsteps and then the door. I realized they'd left and I was alone, vulnerable. What if the man who had attacked me came back and got me here? I struggled for who knows how long to get free but eventually wore myself out.
I could do nothing but lay there. I tried to focus on sounds but there were none, just quiet. I didn't like this. I tried to break free again and again but it was pointless, tears streamed down my cheeks as I began crying, they didn't understand I was in danger.
Eventually I grew quiet and started to feel sleepy from all the exertion. I almost drifted off, when suddenly I heard the sound of the door. I swallowed hard wondering who it might be. I heard a single set of footsteps. Whoever was in the room with me, walked circles around my table. I wonder why they didn't speak and identify themselves? I began to worry, could it be-
"Hannah. Hannah. Hannah." It took me a moment but I recognized Dr. Cole's voice. He sounded tired and disappointed as he repeated my name over and over again.
I mumbled wanting to speak to him, maybe he would listen to me. I heard what sounded like a chair slide across the floor, "They tell me you've been uncooperative with your treatment plan, that you wont take your medicine. Now we discussed this Hannah, if you want to continue looking for your proof, you have to cooperate. If you don't take your medication then I can't allow you to continue. Now do you want stop? Do you want me to take your journals and drawings away?"
I tried to shake my head no but I couldn't move my head, the strapped on on forehead was too tight. A long moment of silence passed, Dr. Cole let out a long sigh, then removed my gag.
"Dr. Cole," I sniffled, "You don't understand. I had a reason to refuse."
"Really," he said, "And what reason would that be?"
I tried to explained. "I thought someone has been in my room before-," I tried to stay calm, to keep my voice solid so he'd believe me but it shook with emotion.
"We discussed this Hannah. No one has been in your room." Dr. Cole interrupted. "Just the other day, we discussed how things can seem different in the dark."
"I know that," I choked. "But I remembered there was a naked man in my bed. I don't know when, maybe a few days ago maybe less. It was the same night the alarm went off. The one for when the nurses and orderlies need help! It woke me and there was a man, he was in bed with me. He got up and I saw he was naked. He cursed and put his pants on and took his clothes off my desk and-"
"Are you sure this wasn't one of your dreams?" He said dully.
"NO! NO! I swear to you! Like my desk, the top of it, was all messed up, from his clothes being on top of it. He was in a rush and some things fell onto the floor when he took them off. And when I went to lie down tonight, I stepped on one of my colored waxes and broke it and I remembered-"
"You should take better care of your things Hannah or I'll have to take them away-"
"PLEASE LISTEN!" I cried getting upset. He wasn't hearing me.
"Hannah," he said calmly, "You need to lower your voice. It's not good for you to get yourself worked up."
"I will," I whimpered, "I'll calm down just let me finish. When I broke the wax, it made me realize it was the one from my dream journal. The one I keep next to the bed. I opened it and saw I'd written in it that a man had been in my bed and that's when I remembered-"
"Ah so then it was a dream."
"NO!," I spat, upset he kept interrupting me.
"Then, why did you write it in your dream journal?" he asked.
"I….so I wouldn't forget."
"Yes, you've mentioned you write your "dreams" down so you can later recall them."
"I DO! But this wasn't a dream. It was real! I swear to you it was and it wasn't just the dream journal, like after I recalled the man in my bed. I put my hands down my pants and the sex barrier between my legs is gone,"
"The sex barrier," he said. His voice sounded strange, like he found this amusing. I thought I might have even heard him chuckle.
I groaned, "The barrier that is down there! I had a point my fingers couldn't go past and it's gone now. My body also feels different. I think I was raped!"
He let out a heavy sigh, "Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, those are strong words, strong accusations, not to be taken lightly."
"I know that!" I said, "But it's true! The Shadow- The person who did this must have done it while I was asleep, on my new medication."
"No one has done anything to you." he said. He sounded put out.
"But my barrier." I protested.
"You could have lost that at any point. Some women have it one day and it's gone the next for all sorts of reasons, running, jumping, horseback riding-"
"I don't run! I don't jump and I don't horseback ride! There was also semen!"
"Ah, and of course you would know what semen looked like?"
"Yes, from my other lives!" I said confidently. "I have had sex in other lives."
"Oh yes, those other lives you've once again yet to prove."
"NO! Please Dr. Cole. Please believe me, something has happened here! Someone has attacked me! Maybe this has something to do with my other lives or maybe it isn't connected at all but...but someone's been hurting me."
He let out out another long sigh and there was a moment of silence. I heard some sounds, I couldn't quiet identity before he said "I'd like to believe you Hannah. I really would but once again things aren't adding up."
"What!" I said, "But they are! I just told you-"
"Now Hannah," he said sharply cutting me off, "I've listened to you, it's time you listen to me. When I put you on this new medication, what did I say?"
I scrambled to think, "You said it was a sleep aid and that it had a ton of side effects."
"And what were those side effects?" he asked.
"I don't know." I said there had been so many of them, "What does it matter?"
He let out a haughty sigh "It matters, because one of those side effects was paranoia. Now we already know you have an unhealthy obsession with "rape." The medication has simply amplified it."
"WHAT! NO! I DO NOT HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH RAPE," I protested
"I've read you journals, Hannah. There are pages upon pages about rape and dozens of drawings, as crude as they are. You might be able to lie to yourself but you can not lie to me. You have an unhealthy fixation. It isn't as uncommon as you may think especially among young women. Though I do no think I have seen quite a degree such as your own before."
"What!" I said in utter disbelief. He kept doing this, saying shit or implying shit that was sick and untrue. I wondered now if...if he weren't trying to get some reaction out of me like Dr. Phillipston had in the beginning."NO! NO! NO!" I protested getting upset. I struggled against my bindings, "I DO NOT HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH RAPE! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT HATE IT! I HATE HIM!"
I nearly blew my voice out. He let out another heavy sigh waiting for me to grow quiet. When I finally took a breath Dr. Cole cleared his throat and spoke softly, "He is not real, Hannah." I heard a zipper and some kind tinkling noise. It sounded like glass hitting glass. I couldn't make out where it was coming from. "Now, I will adjust your medication some but you need to accept that nothing has happened to you. That you are in a safe place."
"NO I AM NOT!" I screamed "PLEASE BELIEVE ME! SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED! PL-"
I felt something jab into my arm. It caught me of guard and I cried out. Dr. Cole rested his hand on my forehead and tried to sooth me, "Shh, it's okay Hannah."
"WHAT WAS THAT!" I cried.
"It's alright now, Hannah. I've given you something to calm you down and help you get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning and with any luck, you'll have forgotten all about this fit of yours."
"NO!" I cried as he pulled his hand from my forehead. I didn't want to forget. I needed to remember. "NO! I NEED TO REMEMBER! I NEED TO PROTECT MYSELF!'
"Shh sleep now, Hannah."
"NO! I CAN'T SLEEP! HE'LL GET ME! HE'LL GET ME!"
"No one will get you." said Dr. Cole. His voice was so calm, so quiet. I had to strain to hear it. I heard another sound, it sounded like a belt buckle. It sounded so familiar "I promise I'll stay right here beside you, all night long and make sure you are safe"
"I...what...what's going on?" I said. I started to feel sick and then tired. I tried to fight, to stay awake, to remember I...I had to...to.. Dr. Cole rested his hand on my leg. Wait! What was he- What was? I...I-
/
"Come now, come now," I heard Nurse Violet calling out to me.
I woke confused. "Is it morning already?"
"Yes," she hissed, "Now get up!"
I sat up trying to recall when I'd gone to bed last night but I couldn't. The last thing I remembered was being outside or maybe having dinner, it was a bit of a jumbled up mess in my head.
"Disgusting!" spat Nurse Violet.
I looked at her as she gave me a sickening look. "What?"
"You have snot running down your face,"
"Oh," I said not even aware of it. She pulled out a white cloth from her pocket and handed it to me. I wiped and blew my nose before I tried to hand it back to her but she wouldn't take it.
"No, you keep that, you can toss it in the washroom laundry."
"Okay," I said. She gestured for me to get up. I scooted to the side of my bed.
"How do you feel?" she asked. It was strange coming from her.
She helped me to stand and I said "I don't know, I just woke up."
"Well that's a good sign the new dose is working. You used to be out of it until late afternoon and now here you are up and about."
"Yeah, I guess" I said. I was up yesterday but the second half of the day was a blur so I guess things weren't quiet figured out yet.
She took me to the washroom nad I threw the cloth in the laundry then relieved myself. I felt strange. My body felt sore, I mentioned taking a bath to Nurse Violet but she rolled her eyes insisting I'd fall asleep in the tub. I suppose she was right. I was pretty tired today. She took me to breakfast and I ate very slowly.
At one point Dr. Cole and Hogan came in. Dr. Cole waved to me and I waved back. I watched them sit down and eat before leaving. After they were gone, I began to have the oddest feeling like I'd forgotten something important. I tried to think of what it could be but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I just felt off.
All morning I kept trying to recall what was so important. After lunch I decided not to worry about it. If it was important enough I'd remember eventually. I went outside and had a nice time walking around in the sunshine. At one point I saw Mikey as he was helping another patient. I guess I didn't get him in trouble. I paused getting the strongest sense of Deja Vu. I looked up at the window to Dr. Cole's office, expecting to see him standing there but he wasn't. I don't know why I thought he would be.
I let out a heavy sigh and continued to walk around. I had dinner and then tried to work on some proof in my room. I wrote a few things down but still felt so off. I doodled for a bit and then went to bed early, hoping to clear my head. When it was time for my medication, Nurse Violet woke me. I quickly took it and then gave her the cup back.
She gave me the strangely smile and said "Sweet dreams,"
I laid back in bed and wondered what that was about. After a few minutes I started to doze off. I thought I heard someone whistling and the sound of my door opening. I wanted to see if someone had come in but I couldn't open my eyes, I was just so...so tired.
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