The next morning I went to the washroom then had breakfast in the cafeteria. Today it was creamed oats, apple slices, berry toast and a small boxed milk. I ate slowly feeling sluggish. After a while Dr. Cole approached me. I hadn’t even realized he was in the room. His eyebrows were furrowed and his clothes were wrinkled. I couldn’t help but think he looked a bit worse for wear and yet he seemed concerned with me “Are you alright, Hannah?”
“Yes,” I said sitting up more. I realized I was slumping in my chair. I cleared my throat then asked “But what about you?”
“What about me?” he asked.
“The other day you didn’t look so well. I saw you staggering through the hall.”
“You must have been mistaken.” He said adjusting his sunglasses, “I’m fine,” There was an all too familiar tone in his voice and I wondered if he was in another bad mood. He just stood there for moment and we awkwardly stared at one another. I wondered if there was something else he wanted? After what felt like a solid minute he said “Hogan tells me you were up and about last night, after lights out and that it wasn’t the first time.”
“Oh, yeah I thought-” I paused catching myself. I didn’t want him to know what I’d thought. It was embarrassing and he might think I was slipping, “Never mind.”
“No!” he said adamantly. He moved dragged one of the other chairs as the table over and sat down next to me.” Please finish, it’s important you tell me everything! If I am to trust you with your current treatment plan, you must not keep things from me.”
I couldn’t help but notice his “strange” behavior. His voice cracked with urgency and he was so close I could smell his breath. “It’s uh was nothing really,” I said pulling back slightly, “I uh, was just...just embarrassed.” I realized I should have said something after all. Now, I’d gone and made this into a bigger thing then it really was.
His voice suddenly softened “Go on, you never need be embarrassed with me.” He leaned in so close to me. He was so focused on me that my cheeks began to heat up.
“Uh well,” I bit my lip then continued, “I haven’t been sleeping well and I- I just thought I saw a shadowy figure inside my room but it was just a shadow from a mop handle and washcloth. I know it was silly.”
“Hmm, yes well you shouldn’t be embarrassed, Hannah.” He said slowly pulling back. He adjusted his tie as he continued “Things can often be misconstrued in the night, especially if you haven’t been sleeping well.” He suddenly stood up then grabbed my tray, “Are you finished eating? We should discuss your journals.”
“You’ve finished reviewing them?” I said looking up at him.
“Yes.”
I was excited to discuss his thoughts on my journals but wasn’t finished with my food yet. Even though I had been sitting here for a while, I was only about halfway through. “But I still have food on my plate.”
“Well,” he said looking at it, “Seeing as you were open with me just now, I think for today we can let it slide.”
“Really,” I said surprised.
“Yes, come now,” he said gesturing for me to get up.
I stood up and walked with him as he dropped my tray off. Then together we walked to his office. It was weird walking with him. I usually only went places with the orderlies or nurses. They mostly walked ahead of me but Dr. Cole walked beside me. Every so often he’d turn his head toward me and get this funny smile on his face. I smiled back but...I found it...somewhat unnerving. I felt this...strange energy between us. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t remember everything that had happened the last time we were alone together.
When we got to his office I sat down on the couch. He turned one of the chairs, in front of his desk around and pulled it up close to the couch. Then he grabbed a few things from his desk. He sat down with his notebook and my journals in his lap. “And how are we feeling today Hannah?”
“Tired,” I said. I wiped my mouth then added, “But otherwise good.”
“Good,” he said pulling even closer to me, his leg was nearly touching mine.
“Now I’ve reviewed your journals.” he said with a sigh, “You know what I asked you for but you’ve yet to provide it.”
“I know. I know,” I said throwing my head back. “I’m still working on it. I’ve learned so much and I was thinking I have a theory.”
“Yes?”
“Well you probably read it but what if all my other lives weren’t on this planet, like what if this is my first life here.”
“Well then that wont help you here.” he said opening his notebook. He jotted down some notes
I didn’t like his response. I put my hands on my lap and began to twist my fingers nervously. “But it...it isn’t my fault, if this is my first time on this planet. Please let me keep going, I swear eventually I’ll find a way to prove things to you.”
He wiped his mouth and looked up from his notes. He let out a sigh then tapped his pen on his notebook and said, "I’ve noticed you’ve been hard at work on this. To be fair, if we aren’t able to prove you lived here because as you say this might be your first life here, I could possibly accept other factors.”
“Like,” I said perking up.
“Well,” he said tapping his pen on his notebook yet again. “If as you say, you were born in other places, you should be able to provide me with their way of life, some technology they have that we do not and how it works.”
“Oh, like some item from another life. I’ve mention some things we don’t have here, like phones you can take with you, stairs that move on their own and flying cars.”
“Yes, yes you’ve mentioned a few things but those could easily be seen a hope for the future. You wouldn't be the first person to dream up some future inventions. I am not talking about the theory of something. I want actual evidence. Give me some object that I could build here and now. You mentioned flying cars, can you give me the blueprints to build one.”
“No,” I said slumping my shoulders.
“Well then-”
“But wait! Even if you asked me for blueprints to a normal car from this world, my answer would still be the same. Tech and stuff aren’t really my thing.”
“Well I guess that is too bad,” he said.
I closed my eyes trying to think of some simpler device “Well… um…maybe I could make a stabilizer.” He lifted his head, but didn’t say anything, waiting for me to go on. “Well, I recall this small device that was like a necklace, inside there were these gears but the main component was this silvery liquid. It was held in like a small capsule, inside the necklace. When triggered it could, expand to cover your entire body, making like a liquid shell or shield over you. You could go about and not have to worry about oxygen or gravity.”
He let out a heavy sigh, “It seems rather pointless. I can go about now, without having to worry about oxygen or gravity.”
“Well here yes but this is for space, see space doesn’t have gravity or oxygen.”
“Hmm, been to space now have we?” he said in a dull tone.
“Oh yes loads of times and I know that air is almost always a thing, well if you need it and all. And if you don’t have something for gravity, you’d float away forever. Oh and space is super cold, you’d freeze if your not careful unless you were too close to a star they are hot so you’d most likely melt.”
I watched as his face grew more and more agitated. When I stopped speaking he flared his nostrils and said “Yet again, this is not something that can be proven.” He crossed his legs “As far as I know, no one has ever come close to going to “space.” While we can observe many things and speculate until someone or something can actually measure such things, no one can be certain of anything.”
“Well you say we can observe, couldn’t we observe some of these things, like how many planets a system has. While we have four planets, I’ve seen some places where they have more or less planets and like some planets, only have one or two moons, instead of the three, we have.”
“Only, one or two moons, now you’re just being silly, Hannah. Everyone knows you need three moons to balance the planet, without them there would be chaos.”
“No there wouldn’t be and I’m not being silly, I am serious, I swear to you!”
“You know what.” he said swiftly getting up from his chair. “The more I look at all your “so called lives.” The more I know you are making all this up.” He went to his desk and set everything down before turning to look out his window. He put his hands in his pockets and continued. “You are not even that creative. Do you not see how similar your lives are to one another, sure you change a few details here or there but the overall theme still remains the same. There is always some sap, you “fall in love” with and some dangerous man who must have you at all costs. Tell me Hannah, what is that about?”
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.
He turned to face me and pulled his hand from his pockets. He crossed his arms and continued “If these are different lives, then why do the same things keep happening over and over again?”
I swallowed thinking about it for a second.“I don’t know... maybe it is part of our curse?”
“Right, right.” he said, “Your so call “curse.” Just because you are infinitely reborn doesn’t mean each life needs to be the same.”
“They are not all the same!”
“They are! Whether you are in the mountains, on a boat or in space.” he said waving his hands about. “You still have a deranged man, this Shadow Man, appear at some point and steal you away!”
I didn’t like his insinuation. “I don’t HAVE anything! I don’t control what happens!” I said standing up.
He scoffed, “Don’t you? Don’t you always have a choice? If you know what is going to happen Hannah? If you know how things play out time and time again then why don’t you just fall in love with this, “Shadow Man.”
“WHAT!” I cried. My eyes nearly popping out of my head, “I WOULD NEVER!”
“HA! Once again I have caught you in a lie,” He said throwing his head back.
“WHAT! I protested “I AM NOT LYING! I HATE THE SHADOW MAN WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING! I WOULD, COULD NEVER LOVE HIM!”
“Really!” he snapped. He stepped up to his desk and pulled out my old journal. He began madly flipping through it as he continued. “You claim you are not lying and yet right here,” He said stopping on a page, “You clearly state you love this “Shadow Man!”
“NO! WHEN DID I EVER!” I gasped
He shook his head setting my old journal down on his desk “Hmp, you can’t even keep your story straight! Do you not see how disillusion you are, Hannah!”
“NO! No!” I said shaking my head “This...this isn’t a story! I’m not delusional you have to be- must be mistaken!” There was no way I would EVER write such a thing! I hated the Shadow Man and was afraid of him but I would neve-
“Hmp,” Dr. Cole scoffed loudly pulling me from my thoughts, “Come see for yourself, Hannah. You wrote it down right here!” He said tapping a section on the page he’d stopped on “Here, you say you loved this Shadow Man. You even said you were married. So much for I remember past lives, when you can’t even recall what you’ve written down in this one.”
I- There was no way! NO WAY! LOVED HIM! MARRIED HIM! I COULD NEVER! EVER! EVER! EVER! EVER! There was no way I had written such a thing! Dr. Cole HAD be mistaken! Perhaps I was referring to someone or something else. I went around his desk and he stepped back from it, gestured for me to look at my old journal. I leaned over his desk and looked at the old pages. It had been years since I’d last seen them but I recognized my sloppy handwriting.
I also saw there was another’s handwriting as well. It was small, tight and neat. They had underlined and circled parts of my writing and made small scathing notes in various spaces on the pages. I couldn’t believe someone had written all over my private thoughts. I felt so violated!
“Did you do this! Did you write in my journal?” I demanded, without looking away.
“No... that would be Dr. Phillipston,” he said stepping up behind me.
Without warning he leaned over me from behind. I could feel his chest against my back and swallowed as the hairs on the back of my next stood up. After a second all the other hairs on my body joined as I became very “aware” of Dr. Cole, presence. His head was right next to mine but he seemed indifferent to our close positioning.
He placed his hands on top of mine and guided me to the part he’d just mentioned. “Here, it says you loved him and married him. Yet you just said you would never. Do you see Hannah, how you...how you…contradict yourself.”
I could hear him breathing in my ear as he spoke, which made it hard to focus on the text. It took me several read-throughs before I finally understood. Before it I’d written I’d had dreamt. So it read ‘I had dreamt I had loved the Shadow Man and we had gotten married but things hadn’t lasted.’ Before I could respond I heard Dr. Cole breath in deeply. His body shuttered and I felt his breath on the back of my neck. I closed my eyes feeling...strange.
I tried to stay focused and sputtered “I...I know why I forgot.”
“Yes,” he said pressing into me more.
I opened my eyes feeling uncertain about his...closeness. I knew he was trying to prove a point and show me where I had written such a thing but did he...did he need to be so so close. Could he not simply stand beside me? I tried to keep going shifting my gaze from side to side. “I uh...I don’t always remember my dreams. If I don’t write them down they can get lost.”
“Once again you are contradicting yourself. You say you recall your past lives, yet don’t remember unless you write them down?”
“No,” I said, it felt like he was twisting everything I said into knots. I closed my eyes really trying to focus. “I...when I recall something during the day I remember it but if I dream it, parts of it can get lost... in this, this sort of fog that is between waking and dreaming. It’s like there is some sort of barrier or filter between my conscious and unconscious mind.”
I opened my eyes as he scoffed. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck yet again as he went on, “You have an excuse for everything don’t you.” He let out a burst of air, when he finished speaking. I swallowed finding my throat dry. I...I could barely focus on what he was saying, my body so close to his. It was starting to react in weird ways. I felt hot and cold and some sensation that felt so familiar but I couldn’t quiet identify it.
“Well,” he hissed when I failed to respond.
“I don’t have an excuse for everything...it’s the truth.
He let out a heavy sigh, “Truth, truth, truth. Hannah you just said you would never love this “Shadow Man,” that you even hated him with every fiber or your being and yet clearly you wrote here that you did.”
“Did…” I said clutching my chest. It suddenly felt so heavy.
I suppose I had forgotten or didn’t want to remember such a thing. Such a thing...such a thing, had I? Did I ever love him, this...this monster? Yes. I closed my eyes as my heart quickened and my breathes became unsteady. It...it was hard to admit that I could, would ever have such feeling for someone like him given all he had done. How could anyone ever and yet. I brushed my lips with my finger tips knowing not all my dreams of him had been nightmares. No every moment with him had been vile. It was just so easily overshadowed by everything else that he had-
“Hannah?” Dr. Cole nudge me, pulling me from my thoughts. “Where have you gone?”
“I nowhere,”
“Then respond! What do you have to say for yourself. Given the proof I have shown you.”
“Proof,” I repeated.
Right! I suddenly saw the bigger picture now. I was a few steps behind but realized what he was doing. I thought he was giving me a chance...allowing me time to find proof. Yet it was a doubled edged knife. I realized he was having me gather proof so he could use it against me to prove me wrong but I wouldn’t be so easily swayed. I knew myself! I knew the truth no matter how he twisted it up. Didn’t I?
“Hannah!” he said there was a gruffness in his voice that sent a chill through my spine.
“Perhaps...perhaps I did love him once but things change, people change, their hearts, their minds and most of all their souls.” I whispered edging closer to the desk. I tried to put some distance between us so I could think clearly but he only moved in closer almost pinning me. I moved my hands forward on the desk to brace myself but almost fell over. I didn’t know what to do or say in this moment to make him back up. I felt so strange. I had never been in a situation quite like this...well not in this life.
Again recalling something and living it were quite different. If I were a stronger person, I might push against the desk and force him back. Or perhaps I could slide out from under him. Or scream someone was bound to hear and he might pull away. Perhaps if I simply asked him to back off, he would but I...I froze up in this moment.
I felt this strange energy between us yet again. I felt like in this moment anything could happen and for some reason...some part of me wanted it to and it frightened me. I suddenly thought of him kissing the back of my neck, taking my breasts in his hand and pulling up my gown. I had seen such thinks in my dreams and nightmares before but this...this wasn’t either. I suddenly became very aware of my nipples pressing against my the thin fabric of my hospital gown. I started to feel this warmth, this dangerous heat between my legs as my body reacted to his pressed so dangerously close to mine. I let out a heavy breath, struggling to control myself. What was going on with me...just what was happening? I felt so so-
“Hannah,” he whispered, Then moved to my other ear, “Hannah,”
“Yes,” I gasped,
“Continue,” he said, once again I could feel his breath on my skin.
“Continue?” What? How? I barely remembered what we were even talking about. I almost couldn’t think, my palms were sweaty against his desk but I continued, “Yes...well I, you see, I could never- What I meant to say is would never love him again.”
“Hannah, that isn’t what you meant and you know it,” he said in an almost teasing tone. “You know what I think, Hannah. I think you don’t know anything. I honestly think you just make things up as you go and discard anything that doesn’t fit your fragile little narrative.”
“NO!” I said adamantly, “It- I- Okay, okay.”
“Yes,” he said.
He probably thought I was giving in and accepting that I was disillusion but I was not! Instead I closed my eyes and conceded. “You were right, it is not what I meant but I mean it! I- It is hard for me to admit it, even to myself but I did love him once, yes BUT I could NEVER love him again, given all he has done.”
“Given all he has done,” Dr. Cole repeated. “Right, right. That’s the new excuse you’re going with. You could never love him but after finding out you’d written it down, wait you did love him once, but it’s hard for you to admit,” He mocked, “Even to yourself because of all he has done. Yes such horrible things he has done. That’s the “correction” you are going with?”
I felt beyond insulted. I furrowed my brow. “It’s not an excuse or a correction! I told you this is not a story! It’s the-”
“I know it’s the truth,” He interrupted “The truth seems to change a lot with you.” He hissed in my ear. “It’s quite alarming Hannah, how easy it is for you to twist things about. It is a wonder you can keep anything straight in that broken head of yours” He scoffed pulling away from me all at once.
I opened my eyes as the tension quickly began to dissipate and I regained some control. I watched him opened a draw at his desk, pick up a pipe, light it, and take a long drag before letting it out. He took a moment rolling his shoulders before he continued “What do you know of love Hannah or anything for that matter? Reading your journals I find your mindset is so limited. Your view of the world, of people and their actions are so childish. You only take things at face value if that.”
He moved and look out the window once again. I turned my back to his desk and watched as he took another drag of his pipe, then let it out and continued.“You make everything, good or evil, bad man, good man, white, black, this or that. The world is not one way or the other Hannah! In time you will realize no person or action is just one thing. There are gradients, multitudes you have not even begun to grasp.”
I was finding it hard to follow him. I found myself getting confused. Where was this going? What was this even about anymore. “I don’t understand?”
He chuckled to himself.“Of course you don’t understand.” He scoffed, “Your lack of understanding is profound.” He shook his head, “Almost as profound as your inability to accept your situation. Let us just forget it, shall we. I feel we have gotten too far off topic. Now where were we, ah yes, discussing your proof and the lack there of.”
“Well I’m not done yet,” I said.
“Not yet,” he repeated letting out a heavy sigh. “You still don’t want to see?”
I felt like he was being cryptic with me and toying with me in yet another game where I didn’t know the rules. Still I insisted “You said there was no time limit! I just need more time.”
“Don’t we all.” He took in another drag of his pipe then let out a puff of smoke, continuing, “Not much more to discuss then, is there, well besides you not sleeping.” He licked his lips.
“I am sleeping.”
“Hogan would beg to differ.”
Right, I’d forgotten Hogan had told him about me being up. “Well, just lately I have had a lot more energy at night.”
“It has not just been lately. I have several reports over a period of time.”
“Well, I think someone has been breaking into my room at night.”
“Really.” he said raising an eyebrow. “And just how long have you had this thought?”
It was clear he didn’t believe me. “It is not just a thought! Really! It has happened several times! I don’t know who they are but sometimes they just stand in front of my door for a really long time. One time, when I was airing out my shirt on the window, I swear they were in my room! I even waited up for them, to make sure and they unlocked my door but they ran off before I could see who it was. Still they keep coming back! I don’t know why or what they want but-”
Dr. Cole raised his hand and I stopped talking “All this going on and this is the first I am hearing of it?”
“Well I told uhh Nurse Violet and I think Hogan. I meant to tell you but I keep forgetting with everything that’s been going on.”
“Right,” he said yet again his tone sounded skeptical.
“Please believe me!” I pleaded taking a step towards him.
“I shall!” he said, taking a step back. “I’ll have Hogan increase the watch on your room, but as I said earlier in the cafeteria this morning, things can often be misconstrued in the night, especially if you haven’t been sleeping well. It is possible you simply imagined this ‘person’ just as you had with the mop and washcloth.”
“No this was different!” I insisted.
“Really, tell me, has this person ever spoken to you? Did you ever come into physical contact with them?”
“No but...I- they always run away!”
“Hmm,” said Dr. Cole. He took another puff of his pipe then let it out. “As I said, I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, Hannah. I’ll have Hogan make more rounds, and if someone is up to no good, I shall have them dealt with swiftly.”
I don’t know why but this didn’t reassure me. It think he noticed as he continued “You can relax, Hannah. I wont let the Shadow Man get you.”
One again, I wasn’t reassured. If anything, I felt like he was mocking me now, “This isn’t a joke!”
“I never said it was.”
“I can hear it in your voice and the things you say.”
“Hannah, everything is okay. You are safe. This Shadow Man is just a figment of your imagination!”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Not to me. He is real, and he’s out there, and one day he’ll come for me!”
A long moment of silence passed between us. I saw his hand tremble and he opened his mouth to speak several times but didn’t. Eventually he stared out the window and hissed. “Fine!” He rolled his head to one side, “Let us say for a second, he IS out there, somewhere. How would he know who you are now or even how to find where you are? Even then, do you think he could reach you in here? That he would be able to just hop our thirteen foot gate and waltz past several security checkpoints, without being noticed?”
“He- He always knows it is me!” I said “I am special to him, somehow, and he doesn’t need to waltz anywhere, he can just use his shadow powers.”
“Shadow Powers?” said Dr. Cole raising his eyebrow again.
“Yeah, he controls shadows or something.”
“Or something?” he scoffed, shaking his head.
“Please could we just drop this! I don’t like talking about him, anymore.” I said. I didn’t want to think about him coming for me. I still needed to come up with a solid plan after the other night.
“Alright then, let us discuss this plan of yours.”
“Plan?” I said perking up. I wondered how he knew about me needing a plan. “I haven’t come up with one yet.”
“You have mentioned a few times, that you hope to find the others, your friends, once you get out of here.”
“Oh yes,” I said. “That plan?”
“Was there any other?”
“Yes, well, I need one for if the Shadow Man comes, like what I should do.”
“Right.”He sounded put out but continued, “Well, let us just stick to your main plan. The one where you find your so called “friends.” Tell me, what will you do if they don’t exist, wander aimlessly forever?”
“No,” I said, “They do exist and I will find them!”
“Right. Right. And how?” he asked. “How would you even know where to begin, to find them in this life? How would you even know it was them when they could be anyone, anywhere?”
“I would know.” I said rubbing my arms.
“Really, you think you would! From what the little quarks they possess and eye colors? You think these things make them special, different somehow but they don’t. Countless people have some if not all of the traits you describe and still aren’t the ones you speak of. One thing you keep mentioning is eye color, just because someone has blue eyes doesn’t make them a monster. Are you to condemn everyone with blue eyes?”
“No.” I said shaking my head, “I wouldn’t condemn everyone, it’s just something to look out for. And I know not all people with blue eyes are bad, after all Luka has ocean eyes.”
“Luka!” he snapped his head in my direction. “Who is this, Luka?”
I paused for a moment, the name had come out of my mouth so casually. I had just said it without thinking yet I knew the connection immediately. “Luka,” I said it again to myself, “Yes, yes Luka is my love, that is his true name.”
“Your Love, true name” he scoffed once more, “Again your terms are so childish...you love. Again what do you know of a love you’ve never been in love and what is this true name business you speak of?”
I tried not to get insulted. He didn’t know me. He didn’t what I knew. I clenched my fists and said “Yes well...well” I closed my eyes trying to focus my thoughts, “I think...I think since we get reborn a lot and each life might have a different name it is” It was hazy at the back of my mind but slowly clearing, like there was an opening in the fog, “It’s easier for us to decide on one name and use that."
“Luka, Luka, Luka,” he repeated, his tongue flicking in agitation as he said the name. “You probably got it off some news clipping. It doesn’t sound all that impressive.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“Hmp, you make these people out to be gods and you don’t think their names should be impressive?”
“They aren’t gods, they are cursed!”
“Really, they have powers, they cheat most deaths and even if they do somehow die, they just come right back in a brand new body. That doesn’t seem very cursed to me, that seems like super powers if anything. Tell me have you read any comic books?”
“What are those?” I asked.
He rubbed his temples, “They are like picture books but for an older audience. They often depict fantasies, people with extraordinary abilities in extraordinary situations.”
“Oh, well my lives aren’t like that.”
“How do you know, if you haven’t read any comic books?”
“Well my lives aren’t fantasies they really happened,”
“Right, right so you say,” he said letting out a puff of smoke.
“Are you just going to contradict everything I have to say?” I asked looking at him.
I began to feel like we were going in loops, only each time it was more elaborate. We’d bounce around to different topics, but ultimately it always ended the same: with him contradicting everything I had to say and me adamantly standing my ground. It was clear neither of us was going to change our minds, so why do this? Why keep arguing when nothing would come of it?
He took another long puff of his pipe, then let it out before saying “No, I’m just making observations.”
“Well I’d appreciate if you kept them to yourself.” I said crossing my arms in front of me.
“Noted,” he said as the grandfather clock went off. He let out a sigh then said. “Now then, if we are to continue, we must make some adjustments. Stop jotting down everything that pops into your head and instead just focus on solid facts that can be independently verified. That means no more talk of space as I can’t exactly go to space, now can I. Your proof must be something I can physically look into or recreate with blueprints.”
“But what if our world doesn’t have all the components to build something.”
“That would be rather inconvenient for you.” he said in a flat tone. “Now then,” he continued, putting his pipe in an ashtray on his desk, “I’ll give you another week and then we’ll discuss this some more.” He sat at his desk and jotted some notes down in his notebook then added, “However, in order for me to allow you to continue further, you must also do something for me.”
“What?” I asked
“I want you to start taking a sleeping aid at night. We’ll start with axodestro (ax-oh-dest-ro) and see how that works.”
“A sleeping aid, no.” I said shaking my head. “Did you read my first journal, they gave me one before and it was horrible.”
“You said you enjoyed the dreams?”
“Until the nightmares.” I pointed out.
“Nightmares are still just dreams.”
“No,” I said shaking my head, “They’re awful and I couldn’t escape them.”
“Yes, well you are no longer a child, Hannah. You, are a FULLY grown woman.” He said looking at me. He slowly lowered his head before turning away and continuing, “As such you are fully capable of rationalizing the idea of “boogie men” and understanding that they do not exist.”
“The Shadow Man is not some boogie man!” I protested. “Once again he did, HE DOES exist and my nightmares aren't just dreams! My dreams aren’t just dreams! Thy are memories, it’s not like I can change them!”
He let out a sigh, “I’ll remind you that has yet to be proven but either way, it shouldn’t matter. This new medication will make you sleep so hard that a nightmare shall not bother you and I promise even if you have one, you will not remember it in the morning.”
That didn’t sound great. “I really don’t want to take anything! I have been sleeping honestly. I don’t need it! I like re-”
He put up his hand “What you do and do not need is for me to decide. If you want more time to prove yourself, Hannah, you must comply with me a little. This medication does nothing but assure you get your rest. Now do you wish to continue proving your point or not?.”
He knew I didn’t want to give up anytime soon. “I want to keep going but-”
“No buts you shall take this new medicine.” He said tapping his pen on his desk. “Now let us go over the possible side effects. You could have none or experience some body aches and pains, dry mouth and drowsiness. Some paranoia and possible forgetfulness are also not unheard of but nothing that should be too alarming. Be sure to tell me every side effect you are having so I can adjust the dose accordingly.”
I didn’t like the sound of all the side effects but it’s not like I had much of a choice here, “Okay.” I said looking off to the side. I figured I’d just hide it like all the others.
He seemed to read my mind and added. “Also, this new medication will be in a liquid form so you can’t hide it, like your last one.”
“Oh?” I said.
“Yes, we found your little stash, in the old common rooms, potted plants and your food at breakfast...very sneaky of you but the time for games is over, Hannah.”
I didn’t say anything but was upset I couldn’t get around this. After a few seconds I realized there was no point in arguing with him. I would just have to take it until I could gather enough proof or find a way to spit it out.
“Now that should be all for today.” he said jotting down a few more notes.
“Okay.” I said, I turned towards the door expecting him to push his buzzer but he asked something strange, “When is the last time you took a bath?”
“A bath?” I said curiously.
“Yes, we have you down for showers only right now but seeing as this last week, you’ve displayed exemplary behavior, I think you could use a nice soak. I’ll put you down for a bath first thing tomorrow morning, it should help with the side effects, of the new medication.”
“Okay,” I said finding it a little odd.
He smiled at me then pushed the buzzer on his desk. Hogan came and took me to the library. I mostly looked out the window then browsed the new books they had to offer. Again I wondered if they were all from other patients private collections. When library time was over, I was taken to lunch then got outside time in the new common room. I mostly just walked around enjoying the fresh air and extra space. There were two other people out besides me, one woman who was planting flowers and singing, I think she was Aggie and then the other patient was Ike. He was sitting on a bench rocking and playing with his teddy bear. It thought it was nice they let him keep it. I wished I could have had something to hold onto.
At one point I tried to find where my window was from outside and saw Dr. Cole, staring down at me from his office window. I waved up at him and he waved back. I ate dinner quickly wanting to get back to my room. Once I had, I saw my other journals were there. I got to work thinking about what Dr. Cole had said. If I couldn’t prove I’d been born on this world before then I had to provide some technology, a blueprint he could make.
I took a moment to scour my journals for inventions I’d seen. I sketched a few devices but I had no idea where to begin when it it came to making blueprints. The nightly announcement soon came on and it was simple. Dr. Cole said his construction projects were progressing nicely and everyone was doing very well, very well indeed. He actually sounded like he was in a good mood now. I wondered if something had happened to cheer him up.
After the announcement the music came on for the blue rooms. Nurse Violet came in after a few songs had played and gave me a small cup of the new medication. It was a thick chalky liquid. I could tell they’d added something for taste but it was a little too sweet almost sickly so and I didn’t like the texture at all. I took a few sips and wanted to stop but Nurse Violet insisted I drink every last drop and then gave me a glass of water to wash it down with. Then she made sure I got into bed before she left.
I noticed she was acting a little strange. She was more quiet then usual and hadn’t look at me once, she seeming preoccupied by something. After a minute or so I decided it didn’t matter. I didn’t like her enough to care and whatever she had going on was none of my business anyway. Several minutes passed and I began to feel strange and sleepy. I soon heard the big switch of lights out and felt carefree and almost happy as the music stopped.
I was nearly out of it when someone opened the door to my room. My eyes were barely open they felt so very heavy and it was hard to keep them open. Still I saw a shadowy figure stand over my bed. They grasped hold of my wrist and lifted my arm into the air, then let it go. I was so tired that it just dropped back down hitting me. I heard a strange sound I couldn’t quite identify and passed out.
I found myself standing on the edge of a cliff beyond a foggy moore. My long hair blew all around me as tears streamed down my cheeks. I held my hand to my chest, knowing I had nothing to lose...nothing that he hadn’t already taken form me. I looked across from me to see a man slowly approaching. I could clearly see every detail of his face and realized I must have been in a deep sleep.
“There is no where left for you to go,” he said cautiously holding his hands up.
He was treating me like I was a startled horse. I looked at him then looked down at my bloody hand, against my chest. I didn’t know if it was my blood or someone else’s. I vaguely recalled a man being cut down in front of me. I’d rush to him and held him in my arms before running to the cliffs edge.
“There is nothing more you can do.” The man calmly said stepping closer to me, “Surrender.”
“I wont! I wont!” My voice carried on the wind. I smiled tired, yet happy because soon this madness would be over. I stepped back and he saw it now, in my eyes. I meant to do it.
His ice blue eyes widened and he pleaded “DON’T! Don’t! Come away from there.” he reached out for me. “It’s dangerous!”
“Dangerous!” I repeated looking at him spitefully, “You are dangerous, all you do is ruin, all you know is destruction!”
“CASPA PLEASE!” He pleaded.
“No!” I spat. “You’ve taken everything from me, you’ve stolen it all away. I refused to allow you to hurt me anymore.”
“CASPA!” he roared getting angry now.
I flinched as if he would hit me even from as far away as he was. I looked at him and then beyond him. In the distance, I saw men and dogs emerging from the fog. Beyond that I could just barely make out the outline of a large manor. The man took several steps towards me as I was distracted. I looked back at him, right into those cruel ice blue eyes of his and then let myself fell back, over the edge of the cliff.
I felt my heart quicken as air rushed all around me. Everything was happening so fast but to me it felt so slow. As if time itself had stood still extending this moment. My hands reach out instinctively as the man got to the edge of the cliff. He looked down at me as if I were crazy but I knew crazy would have been to stay in such a world.
I was riddled with such pain and heartache as I hit the icy cold waters. It felt more like hitting a brick wall. The icy cold waters whooshed all around me and everything suddenly went black. I wasn’t sure if I had passed out or away but I suddenly found myself floating in space. I could hear Dr. Cole’s words echo out, “Been to space have we?”
I cackled madly to myself thinking if he could only see me now. I floated among the stars as this sense of calm and peace fell over me. I wasn’t sure how long I drifted but I knew my life as Caspa was over. I could only hope the next life would be better... that it would be something worth living for and…and that I might be reunited with the ones I loved.
HA! I suddenly realized I had a name. I HAD A NAME! It was a weird name but a name none the less. Caspa, Caspa, Caspa! I want to remember it! I wanted to wake up and write it down in my journal so I could give it to Dr. Cole. I shifted about and felt this strange familiar sensation wash over me. Suddenly a very sharp pain rippled though my body and I felt like I was being split in two.
I wanted to wake up. I WANTED TO WAKE UP! Yet found I couldn’t! I madly struggled as I felt someone on top of me... inside me. I couldn’t move! I couldn’t get away from this...this overwhelming sensation. The dream suddenly shifted and everything changed around me.
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