There was nothing like a cold shower, not ice cold mind you, I wasn't a glutton for punishment, not yet. No I liked a nice cool shower because it reminded me of bathing under a waterfall. I'd recall how the water would rush all around me and my long hair. There was nothing more refreshing.
Once I was all cleaned up and cooled off, I'd lay out in the sun and look up at the clouds. There was something magical about dozing in the sunlight, the wind rushing through my hair. I could spend hours by the water, bathing and doing laundry. Sometimes my young son would join me. We'd splash and play in the water, then dry off in the sun. We'd watch the clouds slowly pass by as if we hadn't a care in the world.
It was moments like these that would spark such joy within me. I'd lived so many lifetimes and had so many memories. A lot of them were dark but there were some real gems there, little glimmers of light that gave me hope...hope that this curse wasn't always a nightmare.
I heard a tapping on the bathroom door and pulled from my thoughts, "You alive in there?"
"Yeah," I called, pulling my head out from under the spout.
"Well wrap it up, you're going to be late!"
"I'm not," I called going under the spout.
I smiled as I let the water rush over me one more. I was never late these days. If anything I was always early. It was important to keep to a schedule, to be on time. It was something the institute had heavily instilled.
"You are," he teased.
"Am not." I called
"Are so!" he called back.
I rolled my eyes then called out once more, "Well if you're so insistent, why don't you come in here and join me. Then I really will be late."
"You and me both," he said, opening the door.
I chuckled but turned off the water. I knew he was checking up on me. I'd taken longer in the shower then normal. He always worried when I did anything longer then I was suppose to. He didn't like me to linger and dwell...especially not today. He was no doubt trying to decided if today was a stable day or not. It really depending on your definition of stable. Given everything, I'd always be a little off.
When I pulled back the shower curtain. He was standing there with the towel. I smiled at him and reached out my arms. He quickly swooped in wrapping his arms and the towel around me. He lifted me up and out of the shower. He spun me around once before putting me on my feet. We shared a quick kiss that ballooned into several before he lifted the towel up and over my head.
He covered me with it and messed up my hair shaking it it about. I laughed as he moved from my head to my shoulders and down the length of my body. He still teased me about being late but I knew we still had time...we still had time. I stared at him for a long moment wanting to remember this...the time I had with him. However little it might be.
The past...the future, it all weight so heavily on me, more so then usual because today marked six years since the day we met and what a day it had been. It wasn't every day that you met the love of your life, on the day she tries to off herself. Sometimes it felt like so long ago and then other times it felt like yesterday.
After Mr. Madison, Casey, saved my life. I was patched up and taken to a mental hospital. For the longest time I didn't say anything. At first I couldn't, I cut a little too deep but not deep enough. I was distraught...beside myself with what to do but knew no one would understand. They tried to communicate with me but I completely shut down. By the time I should have been well enough to start speaking, I didn't want to.
I was crushed by the weight of everything. It was all so much. I'd run into my immortal enemy, had tried to take my life and met my soulmate in a matter of minutes. It was a lot to handle. My nightmares were real. I knew they were but sometimes when the world is against you, a part of you begins to wonder if it might be you. If no one believes what your saying then maybe it isn't true. I doubted myself at time but now there was no doubt. Any doubts I had went away the moment we locked eyes.
I had tried to escape but failed. I should have known better then to think I could get off so easily. The Curse was inevitable. The train had struck me and I was a passanger. It was only a matter of time now before things started up once more. Those first few days...weeks, the dread nearly ate me alive.
The medications helped. They tried all sorts on me. I liked the ones that just knocked me out no dreams, no conscious thought. I was just gone. They slowly eased me onto ones I coukd just drift one for days. I stared out the window like a zomie, feel the colors, see the sounds and lose myself. This wasn't my first stint in a mental hospital. No, I'd had my fair share.
Most the time I didn't deserve it. However I suppose this time I did, given I had slit my own throat and had yet to give them a reason why. I knew they all wanted answers, my family, friends, doctors and Casey but I wasn't ready. The place wasn't bad they didn't push. They seemed like genuinely wanted to help me but I knew they couldn't. Still sometimes these places were awful. I recalled various methods akin to torture and times when the doctors were more crazy then the patients. One time I think the man with ice blue eyes had even been one of my doctors. I shuttered at the thought. I shuttered at a lot of things.
For the first six months I withdrew inside myself. I kept replaying the events of the hall in my head. Maybe if I'd just gone the other way but we would have run into each other eventually. He might have also seen me before I caught sight of him and had the advantage. I wasn't sure how aware he was. The way he looked at me could have just been a natrual response.
Maybe if I had cut deeper? Maybe if Casey hadn't been there? Maybe if I had waited until I was alone? Maybe I could have just kept walking and not reacted right then and there. Sometimes I wondered if offing myself wasn't the coward way out. I knew I was scared, no scared didn't quiet fit, terrified still felt to week. Utter heart wrenchingly, gut churningly mortified still missed the mark. There was fear and then there was an emotion that ripped right through it.
With every fiber in my being. I did not want to go through this again. In that moment, seeing him I just wanted a way out. The quickest way out. Perhaps if I had been more prepared, smarter, capable I could have handled things better...different but I fucked it up. I realized I fucked it up a lot when I thought about it.
How many times had I recalled what was going on before the others. How many times had I known what was coming and still walked right into it. Perhaps it was part of the curse. We had a tendency to repeat ourselves. Every time we started over, our mind got wiped. How many timed had I done the same things over and over gain. How many times, had I seen, known what was coming and failed to do anything about it.
If I was him, I'd know just what to do, or I'd come up with an answer quicker. He was always good at thinking, on or off his feet, always scheming and plannings. Its what made him so dangerous. He's always acting while the rest of us were just reacting. He knew me now. He knew what I looked like and probably knew my name. He was probably out there somewhere already building his intricate web and there was not a thing I could do about it. I just gave up before things had even begun.
Most days, I felt paralyzed, other days I felt like I was sinking into a tar pit. The more I struggled the faster I sunk. I wanted to escape...I wanted to finish what I started but they watched me like a hawk. After day that passed was a day closer to the inevitable. One day he would come for me and then the real 'fun' would begin.
Until then all I could do was bide my time and hope to cut my losses. I withdrew hard from everything and everyone I cared about, knowing he'd just burn it all down. They had no idea what was coming but I did. The most I could hope for was now damage control.
After a while people gave up on me, my friends came for a few weeks then stopped. My extended family members showed up for a month or two longer but eventually had to get back to their own lives. My parents tried really hard to come every day, that first year but some days they couldn't make it. Then it was a few times a week, then at least once a week, then a few times a month until it was just special holidays. My doctors were there but it was their job. They tried to help me but honestly you can't help someone when they don't want to help themselves. I was hoping they'd all just go away, abandon ship, but Mr. Madison... Casey never wavered. Week after week like clock work he was there.
When I first woke up, he was standing out in the hall, talking to my parents and doctors. My parents couldn't thank him enough. When I could have visitors he just stood in the back of the room for the longest time. He eventually stepped up to the bed and introduced himself. He was the new shop teacher, Mr. Madison. I didn't get his first name until years later.
He brought me some stuffed animal. He set it down with the rest of the gifts and flowers. When it was just my mom and me I pulled it out of the pile. I felt awful that this was how we met but I hadn't planned on reacting as I did. I felt so hopeless and utterly pathetic.
I kept getting upset and frightened, whenever anyone from my school came to visit. I'd see the boy's uniform and freak. I worried "he" might show up. He didn't know me but could easily come with any group of kids who wanted to show their support. I think Casey picked up on my uneasiness, after a random group of boys tried to visit and I trembled. He talked to my doctors and they stopped letting just anyone from school visit. My parents thought it would help me to know others cared.
They tried to be gentle with me but kept asking me questions, everyone did. They wanted explanations but I wouldn't write anything down. I knew it was all so pointless. My parents mentioned my nightmares, past 'delusions' but none of it had seemed serious before. They thought it was all just a phase, childhood fantasy. They'd let me rest for a while then ask more questions until I got so upset they had to sedate me.
Mr. Madison stayed for days and he was there when I got transferred to the mental hospital. I looked at him but didn't say anything to him or anyone. I tried to shut down and tread him like the rest of them. I tried to act like I didn't care if he came on or not but I felt safer when he was there. Eventually he only came a few times a week until he settled on Thursday afternoons. Everyone just assumed he was a good Samaritan. That he had saved my lef and felt some sense of responsibility. Perhaps but I also knew it went deeper then that.
We shared a deep connection that spanned eons. We didn't always recognize it right away but it was always there, guiding us back to one another time and time again. Even when he knew he probably should have reasonably stopped coming he didn't stop. I wondered what he made of it. What he thought was going on? Just how aware was he?
I really did try to zone him out. I thought if I didn't talk to him, didn't look at him like the rest that he'd eventually give up on me to but I forgot how stubborn he could be. Each week he'd bring me something small, a soda, a few flowers, some toy, or candy. He'd look around the room I was in stare out the window. Sometimes he'd just sit there and watch TV. He'd tell me about his day, his week, the weather. Sometimes he'd talk sports stats. One day he saw me doing a puzzle and brought me one. We started doing it together. It became out thing after that silently putting the piece together. Sometimes he'd go a while without finding one and I'd nudge a piece toward him.
One day it was raining and he didn't show up. It was time for dinner and I hurried through it to make sure I was available to see him. I kept looking for him and worked on the latest puzzle he'd brought. He didn't make it and I thought he wasn't going to come back that the last time he'd come was it. I told myself it was okay but when he suddenly popped up with popcorn on the weekend. I slipped up and let my mask fall. I was just so happy to see him, so happy that he came back. I burst into tears and ran away. He didn't chase after me. He was in my room when I came back laying down a new puzzle.
I sat down next to him and we just started working on it again. After a few minutes I grabbed some popcorn and he softly smiled at me. I think that keyed the doctors off. The patient that doesn't respond to anything or anyone, suddenly reacting. I think they talked to him because he came more often after that. It was hard for me to cut him off, knowing who he was and what we had been through together.
Our ages weren't exactly idea in this life. It wasn't going to be easy. He was older then me by eight maybe ten years. He could have been my teacher...and I was mental as fuck. I worried he was always going to see me as the kid he saved on his first day of work. Part of me wanted him to just look over at me and get it. I wanted him to remember who he was and who I was and what we'd been through. I wanted someone to get it, to fully understand why I had one what I'd done and know the full weight of the monster, the madness I was trying to escape from.
He stayed longer and tried to tell more jokes, some of them were just awful and the knew it. One day as I was looking out the window during a thunder storm he just looked over at me and we locked eyes. I could see he had something on his mind and I titled my head, in response. He clenched one of his fists then asked, "Why. Why did you do it."
His voice was so soft...hesitant. Up until this point he hadn't outright asked me. He'd asked if I was okay but not why? Before I could think. I tried to must the words. It had been so long that I had spoken that barely anything came out. He slid me a piece of paper and it had been so long since my hand had held a pencil that I worried…I might have forgotten the letters. They came out scratchy and faint and my hand hurt after but I wrote 'That it was the only way out.'
He didn't understand what I meant. He looked at me confused like the rest of them. I got quiet after that and withdrew once more. I tried to shut down but he kept coming back. He wouldn't give up. I realized maybe that is why he kept coming back. Not for me...not for our connection but maybe because he needed answers. I had traumatized him. Maybe he truly wouldn't go until he got answers.
It would be better if I could let him go. I didn't want him to get hurt. I knew he was curse like he but he wasn't aware yet and maybe...he could still be free at least for a little while. I doubt they were going to be letting me out of here anytime soon and I didn't want him to waste my life. I made up all sorts of excuses but knew I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know after everything that had happened. At night I'd hum to myself trying to grow my voice. I whisper my name, his name, other smaller words. It didn't happen overnight but my voice started to get better.
One day he rolled in like he always did. He said hello to me then sat down in a chair and pulled out some magazine. He started flipping through it, looking things over as he went on about his day. He was having his class rebuild an engine and was looking for a certain part. When he took a breath, I went for it and spoke to him.
"What's your name?
"Hmm," he said reading something in the magazine.
I said it louder, "What's your first name?"
"My first name, Casey," he said looking up and then he blinked realizing I'd talked. He lit up all at once, jumping out of his chair. He rushed around like someone had hit a home run. I'd never seen him so happy in this life. He must have dance around for ten mintues before he settled down next to me, "You speak, since when,"
"Sine now," I said, "I've been practicing."
"You've been practicing,"
I nodded, "You," this was hard it took a second to come out, "Want answers."
"I do," he nodded, "I do but only when your ready. We don't have to talk about it, we can just talk about sports. Do you like any sports?"
"Swimming? Is that a sport?"
He laughed, "It can be," he said
We talked, I didn't plan on it. I planed to just tell him what he wanted to now and then shut down but we talked and talked. A nurse came in and noticed and he left the room to get a doctor. They came and tried to talk to me but I looked away. He urged me to talk to him but I just shook my head. He wanted to know why and I couldn't. I just got up and went to the window.
I could tell the doctor wasn't happy but I heard him, talk to Casey later in the hall, "You're doing good, you've made a lot of progress."
"I didn't do anything honestly," said Casey.
"She trusts you and that's everything right now, just keep going. Ease into it"
I don't know what he said but he came back the next day and we went for a walk around the grounds. I tried to tell him what was going on. I used an analogy. I loved analogies. "You asked me why, the other day but I have a question for you."
"Shoot," he said.
"What if everyone but you was blind and what you saw was horrific. Yet no matter how many times you tried to tell others, they just didn't get it, wouldn't because they couldn't see what you saw."
He didn't answer right away. I give him credit for not trying to humor me but actually thinking over what I said. The next time he came back we didn't talk for a long time. We just worked on a new puzzle. I think I liked doing puzzles because every piece had its place and while it could seem chaotic, when it was scattered about. I knew it was only a matter of time before everything fit together. If only that were true for every problem.
I reached for a piece and he picked it up before me and surprised me with an analogy of his own. He held up the piece and said. "This puzzle piece can only fit in one spot in all the puzzle. While their were 1500 other pieces only four pieces would connect with it. Just because 1495 other pieces wouldn't connect didn't mean no piece would.
I understood what he was getting at, just because everyone I had told so far didn't believe me, didn't mean no one would. I decided to tell him...some of it, when we went for a walk outside, the next day. I made sure we had our privacy. I knew what I was about to say was going to sound crazy, beyond crazy. I couldn't be sure how he would take it or if he would even believe me.
I told him a little about my dreams and nightmares. He knew some of it, having overheard my parents and doctors discussing it but he didn't know all the details. I told him they weren't just dreams but memories, from past lives. I told him I had seen things and knew of things to come...things that were inevitable. I left out that he might one day understand and know things as I did. I thought that might be too much for him now.
I could tell he was listening to every word I said. I told him there was someone who was beyond evil. I had seen the things he had done and knew just what he was capable of. He frightened me beyond measure and that….that is why I slit my throat in the hall that day. I saw him and it might have been cowardice but I opted to take my own life, rather then let him get to me and hurt me again.
He didn't say anything for the longest time. Usually people looked at me like I was crazy or quickly decided to dispute what I was. We kept walking around and I worried I might not get a response before our time was up. As we started heading back he asked me, "Who was it you saw?"
I bit my lip and admitted. "I don't know his name. Up until that moment in the hall I hadn't ever seen him beyond my dreams."
"How do you know it was him. A lot of people have ice blue eyes."
"It wasn't just his eyes, it was the way he looked at me. I knew without a doubt it was him. Just like-" I stopped myself from saying 'just like with you'.
He didn't pick up on me cutting off suddenly. He was too focused on what I had said. He let out a heavy sigh. I knew it was a lot to take in for anyone. Sometimes I wondered if...if I didn't know about any of this stuff and someone told me would I have believed them. Maybe...but not always...I suppose it depended on who told me and what I was like in that life. I remember one time someone had told us what was going on and it was so much to bear...too much. I burst into a run along the beach and he chased me down. When he caught me we held each other for the longest time. It...hadn't been easy to except the curse and what it meant for us. Still having him beside me made things easier.
We went inside and he said, "I need more time to think about this, is that okay."
"Yeah." I said.
He told me he'd be gone for a few days he was helping someone moved but we could discuss is more when he got back. It was here I told him. "You don't… have to come back, if you don't want to. Now that you have your answers, now that you know why I did it. I don't blame you if...if you don't want to come back."
He just smiled at me as he walked backwards and said, "Oh, I'll be back. I got to finish that puzzle."
I wanted him to come back but I made it clear, "It...it might not be safe for you, to be around me."
"You suddenly become a ninja."
"No but one day he'll come for me and-
"Let him," he said, "I'll be here." He said it so casual...so assured.
I think, if...if I didn't already know he was my love that would have been the moment I fell in love with him again. I watched him from the window of the hospital for the longest time. The next time he came back he brought cake. It was his birthday. He could have spent it with anyone but he spent it with me. He...I knew he really cared then. It wasn't just an obligation or needing answers. He actually liked me.
After we cut the cake. I realized I hadn't gotten him anything. "I'm so sorry I didn't get you anything."
"It's fine really but I do have a request."
"A request?"
"Yes, I know what you're going through is hard and scary but I want you to try and get better. If what you say is really going on, then you need to get well so that you can do something about it."
"There isn't anything I can do."
"I don't believe that," he said shaking his head. There are always choices, options even if you don't always see them right away, they are always there. Until you have tried everything you can't say there is nothing you can do Nona. You need to be out in the world, at the top of your game." He used a bunch of sports metaphors then, most were lost on me but I understood what he wanted. He didn't want me to give up, even if things were inevitable.
"I also want you to make me a promise that no matter what you wont ever hurt yourself again. Ever...no matter how impossible a situation might seem or how scared or overwhelmed you might get. I don't ever want you to hurt yourself again. In turn I promise I wont let whoever is after you, get you."
I told him, "You can't promise such a thing. You might, no you will get hurt!"
"I'm pretty strong, you know, I think I can handle myself."
"Not when it comes to the curse." I finally admitted, "You are just as cursed as me."
"Oh, so I'm cursed now?"
"You always have been. I just thought it's was a lot for you to take in and handle."
"I'll be the judge of what I can handle."
"Honestly, it's better for you to be oblivious for as long as you can be."
"Right, well the cats out of the bag now. If I'm cursed, I'm cursed but I promise, Nona, if you don't hurt yourself anymore, I wont go anywhere. I wont let anything happen to you. You don't have to be afraid anymore."
He said it so confidently but I knew he had no idea. I chuckled and reminded him we'd done this dance before, "We've done this before you know, you and I… promising. We've done it countless times but there is nothing we can do to stop this."
"Humor me, just one more time," he said. The way he looked at me that day. I knew he was just trying to help. I couldn't say no to him...even if I should have, for both our sakes. I should have told him to run, to get as far away from me and the curse as he could but like a fool...I promised.
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