A/N-04/29/2025

This is is the original form I posted Undeniable In. It was a bit of a fever dream. I was worried it was too dark so rather then release it over time I just shot gunned it in a massive file. To the one person who wrote me and told me you liked it. Thank you so much. It meant alot to me. I get like 1 message for every 1000 views maybe more but like it meant so much to me. I was hesitant to share and I appreciate you taking the time. I later went through it and turned it into the remaster/ chaptered version. Warning: Dark.

Also Reminder Sequals are be based off the (Remastered versions)

Undeniable

His hands moved sporadically, sometimes he let go of the steering wheel as his mouth moved quickly, it kept getting wider as we went faster. The car was out of control. His face was turning red and I could see his veins pulsing, I suppose he was yelling. He turned the car sharply and my head hit the window hard. He reached out, grabbed my wrist and roughly yanked it, he shook me and slapped me, trying to get my attention, all while driving. Yet I refused to look at him, refused to give him what he wanted. He grasped at my hair and pulled at my chin, wanting me to read his lips but I wouldn't… I would never read another word from him.

My parents named me Song...a rather ironic name for a deaf child. Of course when they decided on my name they hadn't known. My parents were both hearing, in fact no one in their families had ever been born deaf, if anything they had an affinity for hearing. Both their families were musical talented. Each of them had generations of family members who either played or composed music.

My mother was classically trained in nearly every instrument but she was said to be most attuned with the bass. She was said to play it with such ease that it almost seemed like a part of her. I was informed my father had a voice and could sing like no one else. When they met it was love at first sight. My mother with her instruments and my father with his lyrics came together to make such beautiful music...

You can imagine their disappointment when they had me. For over a year they took me to every doctor they could find but time and time again they were told, I couldn't and wouldn't be able to hear without assistance. While medicine was advancing, at the time they could not preform the needed surgeries on a child.

My father didn't want to deal with any of it, so he booked himself on a world renown tour and took off, leaving my mother to raise me. She quit playing her instruments and put all her time into me. My mother thought if she put enough time into me as she had her instruments that I would somehow improve. She loved me but wanted a hearing child.

She didn't want me to learn sign language. She taught me to read her lips and would speak to me as if I could hear her. She would often make over extenuated gestures but I was told we struggled to connect. She refused to accept things as they were. She put me on a strict system of reward and punishment. If I got her instructions right I would be rewarded with a toys or candy. If I failed to understand or follow her instructions I was punished. Depending on her disappointment punishments changed. From a slap on at wrist, being spanked, shaken or in the worst cases locked in the closet.

More often then not I was punished.

When I continually failed to meet her expectations of me, she could take no more. One day when I was almost four, she took me to my grandmother's house and didn't came back. My grandmother had no idea what to do with me. She tried to contact my father but he was unreachable somewhere on the other side of the country.

So she rolled up her sleeves and deiced to raise me herself. She sought out several experts, who instructed her to put me in a school for the deaf and therapy for my behavioral issues. It was a long hard road but I was taught sign language, reading and writing. It allowed me to connect with the world around me.

I don't remember much from that time, sometimes my dad would stop by but he could never stayed long, he always had some place else he had to be. He'd give me a toy and my grandmother some money before taking off once more. My grandmother learned sign language so she could communicate with me. She didn't sugar coat things, she was the one who told me about my earlier years. She told me about my parents and their families love of music.

Though I couldn't hear she had an old record player and speakers that could vibrate. I came to know music in the form of movements. I learned to help her with small tasks and she taught me how to take care of myself. She never made me feel bad for being deaf she only singed I was different and that differences could be beautiful. Sometimes I wondered why my mother couldn't see that...but eventually I stopped wanting for her. Instead I formed a close bond with my grandmother. For a time, life was good and I felt wanted and loved.

It didn't last too long though, by the time I was nine, my grandmother suddenly passed away. I was at school when they found out. I spent all day in the office and then had to stay in a house with other children, who didn't have parents. It was scary, the social workers couldn't reach my dad but they found my mother.

She had remarried and had several hearing children. When she and her new husband came to get me I spied on them. She wasn't happy to come get me. I watched her lips as she talked to her new husband. She didn't want to take me in but she knew how that would look. When she spoke with the social worker she said she'd only keep me for a few days just until my father could be found.

It was strange meeting her again...especially knowing how she felt. I tried to sign to her but she still didn't want anything to do with it. She wouldn't react to it calling it moving my hands about. I'd write things down for her but she said my handwriting was chicken scratch. She insisted I read her lips and forbid me to do sign language in her house. She didn't wanting her young kids to pick up on it. On the way home she got me a penmanship book. If there was one last thing she could do for me it would be to improve my hand writing.

I practiced my letters for days, while I waited for my father to come get me but days turned into weeks and soon a decision had to be made. My mother got me a bed and gave me room but she couldn't afford my therapist or keep me in my special school for the deaf, it was too expensive. Instead she signed me up for public school.

My new school had a teacher who knew some sign language but it was nothing like my old school. There were a lot of kids and the teacher didn't have a lot of time to spend between each of us.

I remember being crowded on my first day, so many mouths moving, I couldn't read them all. I tried to use sign language and writing but the kids soon became disappointed. They stopped trying to talk to me and instead made faces at me and tease me.

I couldn't keep up with the school work and was often sat in the back corner for being unable to participate. Eventually they moved me into a special education room. The classroom size was much smaller, there were more teachers between but they were still learning sign language. I had to write things down or show them the way I learned.

I noticed each of the kids had something going on. There was a girl who had asthma, another was always so hyper running around on everything. There was a boy with a wheel chair and a boy who had seizures. On my first day in the new room he fell to the ground and started shaking violently. The teachers rushed to him putting him on his side. When he came out of it they gave him juice and he sat in the corner by himself. He wasn't allowed to do pretty much anything or it might set him off.

His name was Gideon but everyone called him Ian for short. The teacher often paired us together because the other kids could be too loud and active. We would quietly sit together and do jigsaw puzzles or color pictures together. He didn't know sign language but wanted to learn, I taught him and over time we learned to communicate in our own special way. He became my first and best friend.

As time went on the teachers slowly got better at sign language and my hand writing improved.

I was able to communicate a lot more and follow what they were teaching me. I could have full conversations with Ian and we'd eat lunch together. Things seemed to be improving, at least at school. At home my mother treated me like I was still a baby. Whenever I tried to help out or do something she'd take it from me and do it herself. She'd slap my hands if I forgot and started to sign. Sometimes I'd read her lips and I'd saw the nasty things she'd say. "You're so stupid. You don't know how to do anything right. Even a toddler can do more then you,"

It hurt a lot. I tried to use what I learned in therapy. I wrote my feelings out and asked her to show me how to do things right. I told her how grandmother showed me things but she just shook her head and said she didn't have the time.

Her husband Marty was always quiet. He would play with his children but was awkward when he addressed me, for the most part he avoided interactions with me. He didn't like all my notes saying it was wasting paper and as they had more kids, they had less time to spend with me. Sometimes I tried to connect with my half-sibling but they were still so young they couldn't read very well and didn't understand me most the time. I also didn't understand them. I mostly took care of my needs and spent a lot of time alone in my room with library books.

When I eleven my father came back into my life, he had been in rehab for drugs. My mom wanted him to take me but he was living out of a van with his girlfriend. They were going to be having kids soon. He wanted to make things right with me and learned some sign language, we had a few conversations and I got to know his girlfriend a little. She was so nice and wanted to learn sign too.

He signed he'd get a place one day and that I could come and live with them if I wanted. I signed I wanted, I wanted to live with them so badly, I wanted them to be my family but when they had twins, it was a lot for them to handle. My dad had to get two jobs and their place was so small. I visited as often as I could until one day, my dad died from a drug overdose just before my thirteenth birthday. His girlfriend moved in with her mother, half way across the county and I didn't get to see her or the twins anymore.

When I was fourteen my mom took me to more doctors and they would look at my ears. There was talk of having surgery to "correct me" but I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. Ian didn't think so either. We would have long conversation and he thought it was cool that I couldn't hear, that it was kind of like a weird super power. I never really thought of it like that. I told him it was hard to communicate with others but he said it must have been nice to be able to drown people out you didn't want to talk to.

My mom kept insisting I get he implant but my doctor said it was up to me to choose. For a while my mom was nice to me. She took me school shopping, she pointing out how I could go to movies with her and learn about music or we could just talk. She said she'd love to be able to talk to her daughter but I doubted that.

I wasn't all that interested in the hearing world. Not hearing was normal to me, I wasn't disabled or defective, to me it was like someone having blond hair and another person having red. I was just different and as my grandmother used to sign, different wasn't bad it cold be beautiful. Not all butterflies were the same and neither were people.

It also seemed like people who could hear still didn't communicate all the well. My mom and step dad would fight a lot about the bills and him being gone a lot. She'd accuse him of cheating. My little siblings would huddle together and cover their ears sometimes. When Marty got laid off from work, he gained a lot of weight and spent all his time in the garage, drinking and cursing at the world.

My younger siblings got along better with me, when mom wasn't around. We didn't talk but I could help them out. Sometimes I'd make their breakfast. I'd pour their cereal or make them toast cutting off the crust. I'd do dishes and clean up things after wards. I'd help the with their home work and even did laundry after watching how my mother did it a few dozen times. She'd always assumed someone else had done it, she'd reward my younger brother or my younger sister for taking care of her and the littler ones. Sometimes my brother would share the candy he got with me. He'd read my notes but he wasn't very good at reading and didn't like to.

After several more years of coaxing, I finally gave into the possibility of hearing. I allowed my mom to sign me up for implants. To be honest I had my own reasons, they were silly, selfish really but I wanted to hear what Ian sounded like. He was my best friend in the whole world. He knew how to sign really good and we could have conversations for hours on end but there were moments he'd look at me and his mouth would move and I wouldn't quite catch what he'd said. He'd smile at me and I felt like he was saying something important. I wanted to hear him.

I requested he be there after everything was done, that he be the first person I heard. I got the surgery and at sixteen surrounded by my family and friends they turned on my ears. Ian was the first to call out my name, breaking the silence I had always known.

"Song, Song, Can you hear me?"

It was shocking to hear him! Sound was so strange not at all like what I imagined. There was so much...so much I never knew that happened. Everything made a sound, like everything doors, windows, dogs, grass, fans, rain, thunder, clapping, feet, shoes, noses, farts and music….music was the strangest it was like sound overload.

Those first few months I listened to hundreds of songs. I had felt the vibration of music before but there were some things that felt different after listening to them. Also every word had a different sound. I had to learn them, my mom hoped I'd be able to speak one day but we couldn't afford a speech therapist. Sometimes I made sounds but it was never like the sounds I heard.

My favorite sounds were rain, wind, birds and of course the ones Ian made. I loved all his sounds. His humming, the little grunts he'd made when lifting heavy things, his breaths, sneezing and most of all the sound of his voice when he said. "I love you," For the first time I realized what those words sounded like.

My mother played her bass for me. All my siblings could play an instrument she insisted on it. Some of them could even sing. I wanted to join in. I wanted to learn the piano or harp but my mother said it was too late. I had to learn when I was younger that instruments took time and life long dedication. I swore to her I could be dedication. That night I overheard her talking to Marty. She said she'd never heard of a deaf musician...the implants were nice but music came from the soul, came from real ears. She also said she'd die if I started talking at a concert and made those awful noses. She hoped we'd be able to afford speech therapy soon.

I was crushed…I had gotten the ears for myself but I had also gotten them for her. I wanted to be closer to her, but we never went to the movies, we never did shopping and she still didn't have time to talk to me. I realized then she still didn't see me. I ran to Ian's farm and snuck into his room. I signed to him how it hurt to know that no matter what I did, my mother would never accept me...accept my voice, however it was. I just felt heartbroken. Ian listened and assured me that her opinion of me didn't mattered. What mattered was my own. He thought I was so smart, beautiful and that I could do anything I wanted.

That night we shared out first kiss. We started dating after that and were together all the way until the beginning of our senior year. We would make out and wanted to do a little more. We found somewhere private, the field on his family farm. We'd gone there a million times laid in each others arms, to watch the clouds go by but on this day we laid together and became one.

We made a connection like no other and it just felt right. Like it was always meant to be but a moment of peace, a moment of love between two became tragedy… During, he began to have a massive seizure. I knew what to do since we were kids. I turned him on his side and waited for it to pass but it didn't. When it had gone on for too long I went to get his emergency medicine. I'd don't the injection once before and hoped I could do it again.

I froze when I realized it wasn't there. He always ALWAYS kept in his coat but that day I'd wanted to look good knowing what we'd planned on doing. While we were out at the mall we'd got ice cream and I'd gotten cold. He let me wear his coat. When we got to his house I went to the bathroom. I took off his coat. I did my hair, my make up and made sure I'd looked good in my dress and left his coat, with his medicine on the counter, in the bathroom, back at his house.

Horrified I scrambled to my feet. I ran to get help, back at his house, his mother was in the garden. It took me a second or two to alert, her. She told her daughter to call an ambulance. We got his medicine and ran back out to the field, he was still seizing. When she saw he was naked, she knew what we were doing. She injected him but he didn't wake up, the ambulance came and took him away. I wasn't allowed to go with them. When I got to the hospital, his mother was in tears, Ian was in a coma. She blamed me for it and forbid me from seeing him. She said I tried to kill her son. Her words stung. When I got home my mother was upset and so was my father. They said I was a tramp and that I knew better then to stimulate the seizure boy like that I could have killed him.

I didn't care what anyone said. The only opinion that mattered was Gideon's. Everyday I went to the hospital, sometimes I'd get a glimpse of him on a machine or being transferred for tests. I'd catch the lips of his doctors, when they talked to his parents or when his parents talked to other family members. They weren't sure how much damage had been done, if he'd come out of his comma or not. They were trying different treatments.

I stopped going to school thinking any minute could be his last. I had to be there for him. I barely came home, barely ate, barely slept. I just waited, waited for my love to wake up, for him to be okay. He had too, the longer he was out, then more I realized how he was my entire world. My constant in all the chaos.

One day I came to the hospital and heard he had come out of it. I was overjoyed. I wanted to see him so badly but his mother still didn't want me seeing him. She threatened to get a restraining order against me. My mother even forbid me to go to the hospital but when I found out they were transferring him to another hospital far away, I snuck into his room, during the middle of the night. I thought he might be asleep but he was awake sitting up in his bed. I was so happy to see him.

I went to his bedside and signed how much I missed him and how sorry I was about his coat about the medicine. I signed how worried I was about everything that had been going on and asked how he was feeling. He just stared at me. I worried he didn't understand...that maybe he was brain damaged but after a minute or so he looked at me. He looked at me like he never had before. His ocean blue eyes were so cold...so distant.

He spoke slowly clearly saying each word. "I ...want... nothing…. to...to do... with... you. I... hate ..you. Go...go...away...leave...me...alone.

I stood there confused. I signed to him asking why was he saying such things. I signed I loved him and that I realized he was my entire world. I didn't want to be without him. He raised his hands to sign but I could tell he struggled with it. He got upset he moved his arm throwing a water basin and a cup to the floor and screamed. "I... HATE... YOU! I... HATE... YOU! GO!... GO!.. GO... AWAY! LEAVE... ME"

It read such hurtful words. He wanted nothing to do with me, he hated me...he wanted me to go away and leave him alone. What had happened…. did he blame me for what happened? It was an accident, I didn't mean to forgot. The way he looked at me, the words he said. He pushed his alert button and held his mouth open. The nurse rushed into the room. She rushed to him and he closed his mouth. When she turned and found me there, she was upset. She had security walk me out and threatened to call the police.

I barely heard her. I barely heard anything, his words echoing through me. I want nothing to do with you. I HATE YOU! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE"

He...it was clear he was done with me...after all we had together, he wanted nothing to do with me. He no longer loved me. The next day I was served with a restraining order, legally I wasn't allowed to contact him. When my mother found out she slapped me across the face.

She called me a "Stupid stupid girl." She asked me "If I wanted to be locked up." I went to sign and she slapped my hands. I tried to write it down but she ripped it up, She didn't want my response. She couldn't wait to tell Marty when he got home from his job interview. He yelled at me, asking me if my brain was as defective as my ears. They grounded me but I didn't care, not about them, not about the restraining order.

I didn't want to hear it anymore. I didn't want to hear anything anymore. Sound, was overrated. Hearing...was just noise. I couldn't stand any of it. I couldn't stand Ian's words rattling through my brain. In a moment of anguish I ripped my implants, I smashed them and then tried to cut them out of my head. One of my siblings found me and told my mother. I was bleeding a lot by then I had to be rushed to he hospital but there was no more noise. The only thing that remained was the silence….I realized how much I had missed it and vowed never to hear again.

It turns out I got my wish. I'd hurt myself so bad they couldn't undo what I had done. I would never hear again. I had to go get another surgery, when they released me from the surgery ward, I had to spend a few weeks in the psychic ward. They thought I was crazy for wanting to cut my implants out. I had to sign to a therapist and explain why I had done it. I informed her. I was just tired of hearing that I couldn't stand it anymore. They kept a close watch on me evaluated me. When they thought I was no longer a danger to myself or others they released me.

My mom was so mad at me, for removing he implants. Marty didn't want to talk about it. I spent several months drawing and reading in my room. I only came out to eat, use the restroom and shower. I wanted to stay in that room forever but Marty soon became livid with my situation. He'd gotten a job again and wanted to clean house. He refused to allow me to just sit around and freeload. I'd been an adult for months now it was time I started paying rent and my hospital bills.

One day I got a letter from my mother. She slid it under my door rather then talk to me. She said she had signed me up for some classes at the adult education center. She expected me to study, get my high school equivalency and get a job. She made it clear that either I would take these classes or I would be kicked out of the house. I had no where else to go and no one else but them.

Reluctantly I accepted their conditions. I wasn't sure what I'd do after but at least, I still had some time to figure things out. The damage I had done had left some scars. I covered them with my hair and hoped no one would notice. The first day of class, I wore my hoodie up and sat in the back. I kept my head down on my desk hoping I could just zone out.

At one point someone pulled back my hood. When I looked up, I saw it was the teacher. He pulled back surprised. I watched his ice blue eyes wash over me in an unsettling way. His mouth twitched before he put on a smile on and asked me who I was. I let him know I was deaf and signed I was "Song Linorik"

He introduced himself signing back "His name was Mr. Carter Jaids. I'm aware your deaf but this is a classroom, you are here to pay attention. Hoods down eyes up. Maybe if you're lucky I'll teach you something." He smiled at me and I reluctantly smiled back.

I tried to pay attention after that. He signed as he spoke and went about what our lesson plan was for the semester. His goal was to see where each of us were at and try to get us caught up so we could pass the high school equivalency test that was held every three to six months. After classes he pulled me aside and signed to me. He wanted to know how I liked his classes and if his sign language was up to my standards.

I didn't know why he wanted my opinion so badly. I just shrugged and signed "It was okay." He kept the conversation going joking that he couldn't settle for okay, he was aiming for great even amazing. He smiled at me I signed back teasing him "Fine it was good." He shook his head still upset it was not great of amazing.

He wanted to know why I needed my high school equivalency test. I signed I didn't want to discuss it. He was nice and left it alone. He even offered me some candy from his drawer and I took it thought it wasn't my favorite. He asked what candy I liked, I signed "I enjoyed the caramel chocolate ropes with the nuts my grandmother used to buy them for me."

He asked me more about what things I enjoyed again I found it weird that he cared. I signed asking if he took an interest in all his students.

He responded "He only took the time for the ones he thought were "special"

I was used to being "special" not being a good term. He could see my reaction and quickly corrected, that it was the good special, it was a compliment. I didn't know what to think of that or him. I left class that day feeling weird.

The next day. when I came to class he met me at the door and informed me he had a special seat for his special student. It was a seat in the front row and he pulled out a chocolate rope just for me. I felt. weird again but my cheeks also got hot. It felt kind of nice to have someone take notice of me like this.

Over the next few weeks that seat became my seat. When he talked to the class he'd always use sign language. If someone asked a question he'd sign it and his response. It was so nice to be able to know what was going on around me even if I wasn't facing someone. One day after class he asked if I could help him clean up, that he was not feeling well.

I supposed I could, I helped him moved desks and chairs. He brushed his hand on mine and signed that it was so soft and delicate. I read his lips as he said I was a very beautiful young woman. He suddenly ran his fingers through my hair and saw the scars on my ears. I pulled back and quickly covered them.

He signed to me asking me what happened. I signed back I didn't want to get into it. He surprised me brushing my cheek. He moved in soothing way as he kept mouthing, "I was still the most beautiful girl he'd ever had the privilege of teaching, even with the scars." I knew he was breaking boundaries limits but he so kind of handsome and kind.

I found myself blushing. It had been so long since someone just brushed my cheek or touched my hair and said such nice times to me. It was a small intimate things I missed...since losing Ian. When I thought of Ian I got sad again. Mr. Jaids noticed and signed to me asking me about it. I signed him to leave it again and he did. He apologize for startling me he just liked how soft and shiny my hair was. He walked me out that day and asked who takes me home. I told him my mom picked me up.

He said I should walk home or take the bus maybe we could do it together. I didn't know what to say or think. Over the next few classes he kept doing these things, asking me to stay late, touching my hands and arms, brushing his fingers through my hair. He'd give me candy and always praise me for such simple things. We'd have conversations and it was nice talking to someone again. He picked up on that and wondered what I meant. It was nice to talk to someone again. I admitted my home life was hard, that my mom wanted someone who could hear and that I didn't get to do sign language.

He didn't say a thing he just hugged me then, it was so sudden but nice to be held. I cried a little and then I left. My mother was in a hurry that night, so she didn't notice my tears. She never noticed, he attention, her affection, was always somewhere else on someone else.

The next day after he gave me candy, he insisted we watch a subtitled movie he found. I stayed but said I'd had to go as soon as my mom pulled up. We ended up watching the entire movie and she never came. It was dark, I got worried, he offered to give me a ride and take me home but when I got in his car he didn't take me home. I signed my address and how to get there but he just kept driving. He took me out to the middle of nowhere and signed that he wanted to talk to me in private.

He signed that I had a profound sadness about me. After hearing about my home life, he wanted to know it all. He wanted me to tell him my story. I found it strange but admitted to him that I wasn't happy that I'd never really been happy, save for Ian and my grandmother. He sat there watched me sign about my childhood, about my mom and dad's love for music. How they had abandoned me and my grandmother too me in for a while. I went on about her dying, having to move in with my mom, reconnecting with my dad only to lose him. When I got to Ian things got hard but he insisted he cared and I needed to get this off my chest.

I told him about Ian, how much I had loved him, about his seizure condition and how when we finally did it for the first time, he'd had a massive one and I'd almost killed him because he gave me his coat and I forgot his medicine. I signed about his coma him waking up and hating me, by then I was a balling mess. Mr. Jaids. held me and comforted me until I calmed down.

He signed nothing was my fault that it was an accident, accidents happen. He said I was so bright and good that I deserved to be happy. He signed he wanted to be my friend. He didn't want me to have to hold anything ever again. I knew he was my teacher but he had such a way about him. He thought it was important I have someone on my side, some one who only wanted to see me shine.

He made me feel better for the fist time in a long time. He took me out for some fast food and then he took me home. Mom didn't ask where I was, or why I'd come home so late, she only wanted to know if I could get home on my own more often. My little youngest sister had ballet and my little brother was starting to learn the violin, the older kids also had a lot going on. It was hard for her to pick everyone up. I really wanted to say...it's only hard because it's me right but I didn't. I wrote to her telling her I could get home on my own.

She was happy and so was Marty thinking we'd save on gas. The next night I stayed behind helping Mr. Jaids. I signed to him what had happened and he signed my family sucked and that my mother shouldn't have kids, she's not a real mom. It was mean to suggest such a thing but it made me feel vindicated. I signed how my grandmother had told me some people just have their breaking points. I didn't think it was far thought that I was a breaking point, when I'd just been a child.

He agreed with me and we took another ride out to the middle of no where. We signed for hours and then he took me to fast food again. I signed he was going to make me fat and he signed he wanted nothing more then to spoil me. He brushed my cheek and I did feel spoiled. Especially when I got home most everyone was in bed or in front of the TV. I might as well have been invisible, I just went to my room.

The next night things...changed. I stayed late like always we drove out to "our spot" now and I started signing but he seemed distracted. I noticed he wasn't reading my hands anymore. I tapped his shoulder, when he turned to me I signed asking what was wrong. I realized I'd been very selfish this whole time, I'd only been tell him about myself, I'd never asked him about his life. I read his lips he said, "It was fine but he'd been thinking about something I'd told him for a while.

I signed asked "What?

He tried to wave it off, he didn't want to upset me. I insisted he tell me, he said he couldn't stop thinking about what I'd said. How I thought what happened to Ian was my fault. He signed that it wasn't my fault at all. I signed I didn't think that was true. If I hadn't worn a dress for our first time, he wouldn't have needed to give me his coat when I got cold. I was also the one who wanted the ice cream that made me cold. If I hadn't been so vain in the bathroom, I wouldn't have taken his coat of and forgot it. Maybe if we'd waited to have sex, we wouldn't need to sneak off and be so far away from the house to have sex.

He shook his head and signed it was natural to want sex, sex was a good thing, really good thing. I shook my head and signed I didn't think so. He signed he could prove it was. I wonder how he could prove it. I signed asking how? He signed if we had sex it would be good and we'd both be fine afterward. I felt taken aback by what he said. He and me have sex.

I quickly brushed it off thinking he was joking. I pointed out that was different, Ian had a seizure condition. Mr Jaids, looked really upset then, he turned away from me and I tapped his shoulder, when he finally looked back at me I urged him to tell me what was wrong. I thought he had to be upset about something else. He signed Ian didn't deserve to be my first that I deserved a man that knew what he was doing and could follow through.

Again I was caught off guard, I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't used to an adults saying inappropriate things to me. I mean I was an adult now too but only for a few months and Mr. Jaids was my teacher. I mean we were also friends but I didn't of him like- He suddenly kissed. I jerked back not expecting it. I felt weird...uncomfortable... I didn't know what to do. He lightly caressed my cheek and signed that he could make me feel really good. I was a good person and deserved to feel good. Sex was the best feeling ever.

I signed to him I didn't think so. I didn't think I'd ever be able to have sex again. I think...I think I wanted to go home before I could ask, he pulled himself out. When I saw it, I looked away. I signed that this was wrong, he was my teacher. He took my hand and put it too his member. I pulled it back like I'd touched fire. I signed I wanted to go home, again and again and again.

He just sat there waiting for me to calm down. When I look back at him he signed that I didn't really want to go home, no one there wanted me. He was the only one who liked me and wanted to be with me. He was the only one I could really talk to. He signed we were friends weren't we? I nodded. He went on friends let their friends help them and he wanted me to know sex was a good thing not a bad thing. I couldn't go through life not having sex...it wasn't right. Every adult had sex, it was weird if they didn't.

I was so confused... I felt shell shocked that he was signing such things at me. He grasped my hand again as I was trying to think. He put it to his member. I looked at him reading his lips, he said he really liked me. I'd made him so hard. He asked me to feel how hard." I didn't want to but he wouldn't let go of my hand. I squeezed it really quick. I was surprised, it was hard...Ian's had been hard but Mr Jaids seemed really hard. I didn't know they could get that hard. Then again I'd only ever touched Ian's.

Mr. Jaids signed my hand was so soft, it made him feel good. He signed I was so beautiful and it would make him so happy to make love to me.

Make love to me...Ian and I had tried to make love. I didn't love Mr. Jaids. I let go of his member. What was I doing here with him like this? I signed I wasn't ready for all this...it was a lot- He quickly signed it was okay...he'd do everything, I didn't need to do anything. Before I could even grasp what he just said he started pulling at my clothes, then pulling them off. I felt like I should do something but I froze. It was so stupid but I felt a lot of pressure. I mean I didn't know if I could tell him no. He was my friend but he was also my teacher what if he got mad? What if he failed me? He'd been so nice, he was just trying to help me... but this... somehow things had gotten weird, maybe he thought I'd implied something I hadn't meant to.

He put the seat back and I got scared. I began to panic, I tried to tell him we could think about it but not right now I needed time to think- He didn't hold back, he kissed me again and again, bombarding my senses. He kept putting his tongue in my mouth, he grabbed my breast and squeezed them. It felt like he was touching me and pulling at me everywhere.

He feverishly pulled off my pants and dived his hand under my underwear. He pushed his fingers inside me...no one had ever don that before. It was rough and unexpected. I shook my head. I didn't want this. It felt wrong but he was no longer looking at me. I tried to get his attention to sign stop but soon he soon straddled me in my seat and put his member at my entrance. I pushed at his chest and slapped him trying to get him to look at my hands but he wouldn't look.
He just kept touching me and pushing. He tried to put himself inside me but it wouldn't fit...I really wound up. It kept slipping to the sides and front. I tried to squirm away from it. He slapped my breast hard and I froze. I looked at him but he was looking at my crotch, he pinned me down. He was heavy so heavy...and strong, it was suffocating. I realized just how much bigger then me he was...that if he wanted to...he could do anything to me.

He kept forcing himself at my entrance, poking me with his fingers. It hurt, it hurt I not longer tried to get through to him and began to fight. He ignored my fists...my slaps and scratching. At one point when I hit him in the face he grabbed my wrists and pinned them over my head with one hand. He spit between my legs and then on the end of his dick, he continued to force it. I continued to struggled, crying beneath him, suddenly my entrance felt like it was burning, I felt him the tip go in. He smiled he was so happy, from there he forced himself up inside me the rest of the way. He was too much I'd only done ti once before, I jerked madly tears blurring my vision. This was nothing like being with Ian. We'd gone slow and it had felt nice. Mr Jaids was, rough and forceful he just kept pushing.

I kept struggling beneath him but he didn't let up, he pulled back out a little then pushed in, pulled back out and pushed in. My body began to reacting to him, it provided more lubrication. I don't know if it was my natural vaginal fluids or blood from him forcing himself inside me so roughly. I tried to get him off me, get him out of me but I wasn't strong enough.

Eventually I stared up at the ceiling of the car. He began caressing my breast, taking them in his mouth, he squeezed my left breast so hard, I thought it might pop before he sucked at the nipple and nibbled on it. I could feel his teeth, I could feel his dick inside me...his hand pawing at me. I felt everything, all at once. I waited for it to be over. For him to finish raping me...that's what this was...wasn't it? I didn't know… I didn't know. I knew him...weren't rapist's strangers? He hadn't seen me sign no...had I signed stop or just thought it. My thoughts were rattling around in my head as my body was being taken, I didn't know. I didn't know anything anymore.

I felt so sick...so hallow as he pound me into the seat. I just wanted to disappear. It hurt, it hurt so much. I close my eyes shaking with tears and then...then it started not to hurt...not as much. I kept trying to compare it to Ian and my first time but I kept thinking of everything that happened with him and me. It was all my fault. I'd hurt him, I'd pushed him to go farther, he wanted to wait until after graduation but I just...I wanted to try it. I didn't think about him...only myself. He'd had a massive seizure and I'd forgotten his medicine. He nearly died because of me. I'd nearly killed the love of my life. I should have waited! We shouldn't have been so far out! I should have realized I'd forgotten the medicine sooner, gone to get help right away. It was all my fault!

I didn't think I'd ever have sex again after such a traumatic event I felt so bad about it all. Yet here I was spreading my legs for another man I barley knew, in his car...Ian was suppose to be my one and only, we promised each other but I here I was breaking my promise. I was dirty...I was a real tramp now. I felt like I was being punished for being so bad and I realized perhaps I was, finally after all that had happened. I cried thinking that was it…that was it…this was my punishment for what I had done to Ian. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve to be happy. I made so many people unhappy. I don't know why but the thought made me feel good...the hurt...the pain, I deserved this I...it began to feel different..almost...pleasurable...What was wrong with me...Was I sick? I-

Mr. Jaids suddenly stiffened and I felt a strange heat inside me. I could feel his penis twitching and I realized he'd just cum inside me. I felt it empty and he filled me up. Mr. Jaids softened his touch. He released my wrists but I kept them there. I opened my eyes as he started gently kissed my breasts and brushed the hair out of my face. I read his lips, I was real special to him, he loved my pussy, it was the best one he'd ever had. He thanked me for letting him be the first man to cream inside me. Cream? Was that the same as seed? Semen? I'd never heard it called cream.

He signed, I made him feel special. He felt a lot better and we were both okay, no one was dying, didn't I feel better knowing I could have sex like everyone else. I just laid there, I didn't respond to any of it. I felt ...I felt...I could still feel him...it moving around inside me. He hadn't taken it out. When...when would he take it out. He ran his hand across my stomach and brushed on of my nipples before he finally pull out.

I felt oddly empty cold...for a moment I realized...he'd filled me...maybe that is why they called it cream. A moment later I began to feel wet between my legs his seed started to flow out of me and onto the car seat. He signed for me to clean myself up as he took care of his own clean up. I just laid there, my legs still open. Why didn't I shut them? I didn't know. I didn't what to do now, Ian and I had never finished. I didn't know how to clean this up or what to do after...we...we were suppose to figure that out together. I was surprised there was so much of it. He got angry with me and signed that I was making a mess in his car.

He took some tissues shoving them between my legs he showed me how to wipe it and signed, next time I would do it myself. Next time...there was going to be a next time. My chest felt like it was going to cave in. I didn't know what to think. My thoughts felt slow...scattered, he helped me get dressed, it all felt like a blur. He adjusted my seat and sat me up. I thought he'd take me home now but we just sat there for what felt like forever. He kept staring at me as he bit his nails.

Eventually he nodded and started the car. I wanted to go home so bad but again he didn't take me, we got fast food like we always did. He ordered for me like always and drove us around for a while. We eventually parked at a citypark and ate. I wasn't hungry. I felt so mixed up inside...I had all these dark thought and emotions. I kept trying to understand what had just happened back there. It felt like it had all happened so fast. I- He tapped my shoulder pulling me from my thoughts.

I read his lips, "I did so good tonight that I had made him very happy. He asked how he had been. I signed that it hurt a lot, I didn't like it. I started to cry again. He looked annoyed, I read his lips He said "It was only my first real time, it always hurt the first time." I think I read that somewhere hadn't I? He continued saying "I would do better next time if I relaxed more. I needed to stop clenching so much." He used his hand explaining "I was already so tight as is. My body needed to get used to a man's girth, eventually it would know him and accept him?"

Accept him? Like it had some mind of its own. I didn't think that was right...then again I had known Ian and it hadn't hurt. If I really knew Mr. Jaids would...it not hurt. I felt stupid...I felt like I didn't know enough about sex. I didn't think I'd need to.

He signed I was doing good in his classes, he wasn't suppose to tell me but I was the smartest one in his class and I was defiantly going to pass, no questions. Then he shifted his gaze and slowly signed, we couldn't tell anyone about what we did tonight. He wanted to be my friend and my teacher but people were closed minded, if anyone found out about us they just wouldn't understand. They'd think it was a conflict of interest but this was different. We were different.

I signed to him that I wasn't stupid...I knew why I couldn't say anything. I knew what he did. He quickly corrected me, we did it, that we did it together. I bit my lip and slowly admitted. I didn't know what I wanted. I was confused I wanted to go home and think, that I signed for him to stop. He stopped eating and roughly grabbed my wrists. He glared at me, I thought he was going to hit me.

Again I didn't know what to do or say. I started crying and he pulled me into him. He hugged me and held me rubbing his hand down my back. When I pulled away, he adjusted my hair around my ears and I read his lips. He said he understood this was a confusing time. He reminded me he was the only one that cared about me in this world now. My mother doesn't really love me, I'm an obligation. My grandmother and father were dead and Ian hated me. I didn't need to be reminded.

He let me go and signed if I said anything about this he might get in trouble...he might not but he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore, he couldn't be my teacher or even my friend. We would have no more outings, where he could spoil me. I probably wouldn't get to take my high school equivalency test either. I'd probably get kicked out of the adult center. He went on that I'd disappoint my mother again. It was an awful things to sign. He knew how I felt about her. He was taking what I'd said to him and twisted it.

I didn't respond to him, he took me home but before I went in he signed I need to decided, if I was in this or not. He said if I wanted out not to stay after class anymore but if I wanted a friend, someone who would actually care about me, to stay after class, it was my choice. I felt even more confused and conflicted. I wish I had someone else to talk to.

When I got inside everyone was asleep I went to bed but couldn't sleep. What did I want? What had happened. He said he cared about me but...did he? I didn't want to do that in the car tonight. Would he make me do it again? Was that part of our friendship now?

I thought about what he said, he was right he was the only one who cared about me. He was the only one who had taken an interest in me since Ian. If Mr. Jaids wasn't my friend then I'd have no one again and if I couldn't pass this class and take that dumb test I would disappoint my mother. As much as I felt hurt by her...I still...felt this sick need to please her. Maybe someday I'd do something right and she'd love me. She'd praise me like she did with her other kids...

When I got up for breakfast the house was in chaos. I just sat at my chair watching everyone move around me. Not a single one of my family member addressed me. Yet again I might as well have been invisible. I went to class still unsure of everything. I watched the other students talk and laugh with each other. Mr. Jaids came in late, he didn't greet me, there was no candy, he no longer looked at me when he talked or used sign language. I found it hard to follow the classes, he kept moving around and changing the angle of his lips. At one point I saw everyone smiling and laughing I didn't understand why. I felt lost, it all felt so awful. The way he was treating me now...I felt like, I felt like he'd given me something and had just stolen it away.

After classes ended he didn't ask me to stay, he just went to his desk and opened his books and began grading papers from today's pop quiz another thing that was sprung on me. I don't think I did very good. I gathered my things up and looked at the open door. I could just walk out right now and this would be my life. This would be how he treated me. He was giving me a choice right?

He looked up at me as I stood we locked eyes and then he looked away, going back to his tests. I bit my lip and started to walk away, I knew that is what I should do. It was the right thing to do to end this before it got anymore- anymore...I stopped walking I just stood there for a moment half way to the door half way to him. I had been so lonely these last few month. I hadn't realized just how much I missed being able have a conversation with someone, being noticed and wanted.

I looked at the door...I knew what awaited me...but turned around looking at him. I...I didn't know what would happen. I went to his desk. He looked up at me curiously but didn't sign or say anything. I waited, he waited eventually I signed, "Can we still be friends,"

He leaned back in his chair, tapped his fingers on the desk and then smiled at me. He nodded and opened his draw. He gave me one of my favorite candies. I suddenly felt happy. This was all so strange. I felt weird about it all, one minute, I knew it was wrong, he'd made me so sad and the next he'd made me so happy. As I ate the candy, he got up from his desk and began closed down the class room.

I was surprised it was still pretty early in the day. We usually hung around for a while and then went on our drive. He shut the door and all windows before drawing the blinds. When he was finished he turned and unbuckled his belt. I froze realizing now what he wanted...he he wanted to do it again here and now. I shook my head and signed I was still sore from yesterday. He looked at me and signed to go to bend over his desk.

When I didn't move he cross his arms and gave me a sour look, he tilted his head to the desk. I knew for sure now that this was a part of his "friendship." I didn't want to but I didn't want things to be like today. I'd made my choice. I moved over to the desk and bent over it a little scared. I saw movement of his shadows and soon I felt him pull at my sweat pants. He pulled my pants and underwear down. He squeezed my but then grasped the back of my neck put my front half to lay flat on his desk.

I felt it against my but cheek. He slapped me with it then moved it to entered me from behind. Oh it hurt...worse then yesterday at first. I couldn't help bu struggle to get free. I needed a moment I..changed my mined. He pinned me to the desk. He pushed it all the way in and I scratched my nails across his desk grasping and crumpling hold of some paper. Without waning he smacked my ass hard. He did it again and then again, each time it painfully stung. He let go of my neck and took the paper from my hand. In facet hew pushed the other papers off his desk letting them fall to his floor..

He curved his body over mine, I felt his chest against my back as he ran his hand over mine and closed his hands around mine. I felt my body adjusting to him. I felt full but not painfully so. He pulled out and then slammed me into the desk. It made the desk move a few inches. He repeated it until his desk was crooked and nearly touching the wall.

Each time it felt like he was stuffing me up. I'd never felt like this my body ached but I also felt weird...hot...he caressed my hair rubbed my back. He took me slow...he took me hard. Eventually the pain lessens as my body's juices react. Was I enjoying this? I felt conflicted I wanted him to stop, to change positions but as he picked up the pace the pain began to fad away and each time he smacked hard into me it felt...good… I wanted him to keep doing it...I wanted to fill the pain...as it mixed with a sort of pleasure...I wanted to be punished to suffer….Who wanted to suffer right. But my mind got so dirty as he pounded into me. I thought something might be wrong with me. Maybe I should see a doctor but mom and Marty will already upset about my last visit. I owed them so much...much…

He picked up the pace. He grasped hold of my hair and yanked my head back. It hurt but only added to this...this...fuck….fuck...I felt my body growing wetter hotter, my breast felt full excited, like when I'd master bait. This hurt but it also felt good...good to hurt...I was so confused...Maybe I was...a masochist, I'd read that word before I think it meant someone who like to be punished or someth-

He smacked my ass hard unexpectedly and I clenched down on him he had to stop mid stride and pause for a moment. I waited for him to move...to keep fucking me but he just stood there. I tried to looked back at him but he started back up again harder...faster. I spread my legs wider as I felt something building between my tights...

Mr Jaids grasped my hips and began drilling me. I felt him grinding, smashing, pushing beyond my limit. I squirmed uncontrollably then...something was happen I couldn't control I couldn't….all of a sudden out of now where my privates began pulsing. I was hit with a sharp, painful orgasm. I vibrated on his desk and lifted my feet off the ground as I experienced my first orgasm from sex. I thought I knew orgasms I master baited before and come but never like this. It was so powerful...so all consuming.

It hurt but felt so so good the two feelings mixed with each other in way I could not imagine. I felt my muscles wrapped around Mr. Jaids cock and I came again and again, each one was stacking on each other quicker now. I slapped the desk, overwhelmed with such pleasure...such painful pleasure...and then he pushed deep inside me and held. I felt him burst, he came inside me once more...filling me with his warmth.

I felt like I was going to black out, my head laying flat on his desk I felt my heart pounding in time with my aching pussy, it just kept throbbing as he twitched inside me. I felt weak my legs no my inner tights were shaking. I didn't know…I didn't know it could fill like this. He pulled out after a few minutes and slapped my ass. I collapsed on the classroom floor. I felt it seeping out, this time I wanted to see it up close to touch it. I put my hands between my legs taking some of it. I started at it looked at how it turned into strings when I pulled my figures apart..

I looked up Mr. Jaids as he put himself away and buckled his belt. He smiled at me then crouched down in front of me. He caressed my face and I read his lips. "Good girl. You made the right choice today. I knew you were special." He pulled out more candy he had on him. I found it weird...yet I was happy again to be rewarded.

He gave me some tissue and I clean myself up thought I could still fill it leaking out of me on the way home. As soon as I got inside I went straight to my bedroom and locked my door. I undressed and looked at my body spread my legs in the mirror. I wanting to see, my sex was swollen and more of his seed was still coming out.

When I stood up and turned I saw my but was really really red. It had the shape of his hand, my hips were also red from him grasping me so tightly. I noticed a bruise on my wrist from him grabbing me yesterday. I stared at myself for a long time...started at the signs of the rough sex I'd just had, thinking this felt different from the first time. I felt different, still I wasn't sure if this was right... but things didn't always have to be...right?

/

That night I went to bed for the first time not thinking about everything that had happened with Ian. I kept thinking of Mr. Jaids and how he made me feel. Then next morning I woke up excited to go to class, he greeted me when I arrived and he was my friend again. Thing were back to normal...my new normal...

For a while thing continued on after that Mr. Jaids became my entire world. I'd get excited everyday I had classes. I'd go to my classes and then stay after, I'd let Mr. Jaids do whatever he wanted to me. It was all so new. Sometimes he'd just put his dick inside me and we'd go home but a few times he had me take him inside my mouth. He taught me how to give a proper blow job.

I'd heard of them but Ian and I wanted to have sex first. I didn't think it would be so hard to suck on something. There was a certain way I had to do it or Mr. Jaids would get frustrated. The first time he came in my mouth surprised me. There was no warning, he just grabbed my head pulled me in till he the back of my throat and came. I gagged and coughed so much. I didn't know I was suppose to swallow it.

I assumed when you blew someone they just came on the ground or something. He really wanted me to swallow it all it was important I not waste it. I was kind of hoping it would taste like cream, like whip cream but it was more salty then sweet. When I explained it to Mr. Jaids he just shook his head and laughed. He patted me on the head and signed I was sweet.

We practiced more and I got better at swallowing but it was still a lot. Sometimes he'd have me blow him before we had sex or right after. After it could be messy, I'd tasted myself on him but he insisted I needed to clean him off because I'd made the mess. I wondered what he'd do if I insisted the same for me.

After a few weeks he wanted to try my other whole. I signed no but quickly learned if I didn't do something he wanted, he'd get mad, sometimes he'd even hit me. I should have walked off the fist time he back handed me but he apologized right away. He said he'd had a hard day and even got me a bracelet with all sorts of stones in it. I couldn't wear it much thought my family might wonder how I'd got it. He kept insisting on Anal...he even started to become distant when I kept denying him. Eventually I let him have his way...it was easier.

The first time with anal hurt so bad, I even bled I was happy when it was over. Mr Jaids was so grateful to me he bought me a sex dress...and some earnings. He took me out of town and I went into my first sex store. It was wild and mostly filled with guys. He had me stay close. There were so many toys and things. I never knew such places existed. All of this was just so new...so different from my life before...I...I wanted to distance myself from before. I didn't want to think about Ian and what happened.

Mr. Jaids bought me a fitted corset. He wanted to get me a sex suit one day. I thought it sounded weird he told me it was a full body latex suit that fit in all the right places. Maybe after I lost some weight and got used to a corset, he'd get me a custom one. He said he'd love to get me in full body one, then stuff me to the brim with a vibrating dido and leave me lock in for days. He wanted to make me a real mindless cock whore. He liked the idea of me living for his cock. Sometimes he could say such vulgar things. I didn't know if I wanted one.

He got me sexy stalkings and bras and sexy platform heels. He took me to get a hair cut and high lights. I'd never done any of these things mom never had the money. I was worried they'd cut my hair too short but he told me to trust him. They made my hair look so pretty, they even added extensions to it. I was excited but then we went to this shady place in a weird part of town. I didn't like it so much. He wanted all my body hair removed. He said a woman shouldn't have any. It hurt when they waxed armpits and legs but when they waxed my pubic hair I started to cry. The person waxing me got worried but Mr. Jaids gave them extra money not to stop till it was all done.

I was upset after that and we got into our first fight I guess. I told him it hurt really bad but he loved how it looked so much. He rubbed lotion on me and promised it would be easier each time. Then he took me to the mall and picked out all sort of clothes he wanted me to wear for him. Most of them were what my mom would call tight or slutty, he said that on me they look cute and sexy. I wanted him to be happy, I liked when he'd smile at me and told me I did a good job. I tried on a lot of clothes for him but I didn't think my mom would like it.

She'd want to know where the money had come from. He told me told wear my normal clothes at home then change on the way to the adult center. I almost felt like I was a spy the way he said it. When I asked about getting sexy underwear he told me no, from now on my pussy should be free...always open and waiting for him. I asked about that time on month and he made me an appointment to get birth control shot. It was suppose to stop my period while I was on it. We got the one that lasted the longest...I don't know how long that was.

After that I began to not to wear underwear. He had a rule if he caught me with them on he would get to cut them up. Sometimes I was tired and forgot, eventually I had none left. At first it felt weird to be open to the air but my skirt, shorts, and legging kind of covered it so why did I really need an extra layer. It also made him happy and sometimes he'd secretly finger me while we were in a crowded place.

One time in a restaurant he worked me up so much I came all over the booth we were sitting in. He told me not to clean it up, it would be a surprise. When he went to pay I felt weird about it so I cleaned it up anyway. I kept thinking people would see that I was naked under my skirts or know I'd just had sex but no one seemed to notice. My family didn't even notice my hair. My mom asked if I'd been using her conditioner. Sometimes I wondered if I walked around naked would she notice or just ask if I used her shampoo.

One day Mr. Jaids bought a camera and started taking pictures of me. He got one where the film had to be developed and one where it would instantly give you a photo. He liked to go for walks and have me expose myself in an alley. He'd take a picture...Sometimes he'd leave them there for others. I didn't like that. When I tried to get them he'd slap me and say it was his picture. I pointed out it was my body and he'd tease that was his too.

I fell into this weird cycle with him. Like one minute he was my teacher, he'd help me study and find out what my weakness were so we could improve upon them. Then he was my friend, who wanted to know all about my day and always had me tell him everything that I was doing. Then we were lovers he'd buy me things and we'd have sex. And finally he was my abuser, he'd tell me he owned me and slap me and hurt me. He'd do mean things to punish me.

I didn't know how anyone could hold so many roles and rules. He always wanted more and more of me and I gave it to him. I let him tell me what to eat, what to wear, how to style my hair. Who to talk to, who not to talk to. How to smile...what position to hold.

The thing that was the hardest was corset training. It had so many rules. Every time I lost weight I thought he'd be happy but he'd tighten my corset even more. He told me to eat smaller meals through out the day and drink more water. He stopped taking me to dinner. He insisted I wear the corset at all times under my clothes and even when I slept. I was only to take it off when I showed. He got me a corset that attached to stalkings and he wanted me to always wear them too. At night he told me to sleep with my legs open and think of him. I was only allowed to touch my privates when cleaning. I wasn't allowed to lie to him.

It was a lot to remember...but he'd remind me if I forgot. Some of his reminders really hurt. It was just easier to do what he wanted...to make him happy. He'd given me so much, helped me forget so much. He took more and more pictures of me saying I was becoming so sexy that I was near perfect now. I liked having someone think I was perfect. I liked being wanted by him, desired by him, the look in his eyes when he looked at me. It was like I was all there was.

Whenever I struggled with one of his rules, I'd remind myself he knew a lot of things and he wanted to teach me. At least he would teach me...show me how to do things instead of calling me stupid. He made me feel smart, he made me feel appreciated.

After a while we began to play private games with each other. I'd leave the house wearing my normal clothes then change into the clothes he bought me. He liked me to wear a push up bra, with a tight shirt short skirt and stalkings. He told me to sit up front and spread his legs when it was just him lecturing. He said he like to look at what was his and admire it.

It was strange thinking he admired me...thinking I belonging to him. I never really felt like I belong to anyone except for Ian. I felt I belonged to him and he belonged to me. What I had with Mr. Jaids was different. Ian had been my entire world and now I felt like I was Mr. Jaid's was my world and he he looked at me like I was the sun itself, like even thought he was telling me to do all these things. I felt like he revolved around me. He made me feel special...made me feel like I shined. He made me feel alive.

Sometimes we do risky things, he'd have me dress up or dress down. I'd wear no bra, no underwear just a tub top and a really short skirt. I'd still wear my stalkings and boots that went to my knees. I'd be allowed to take my corset off. I could see my body begin to change and take shape. He'd have me walk around at night and bend over and squat under street lamps or next to trees

He'd follow behind me video taping me. Sometimes he'd want to have sex in an alley where anyone could walk by. He'd have me walk around in the adult store and pick out several toys to put inside me. He'd buy it and he'd shove one in me and have me walk around till it fell out on its own and we'd leave it there. It felt dirty but excited at the same time. Sometimes I would masterbait with the toy on a bench or in the an empty men's room stall. He liked watching me do things to myself and taping it. He loved finding different things to put inside me...to feed me, he called it. He said my pussy was very hungry and needed to be property quenched. I was worried at first if it was safe to stick so many things inside me but he said he knew what was safe and what wasn't and he could make things safe.

He'd wrap things in condoms before he would put them in or I would. Sometimes it was fun my pussy could feel the different shapes. But some things scared me. Like he'd unfold his stapler and wrap the end with the staples in the condom and have me take it inside me… I worried I'd staple my insides and he teased I might like that. I didn't think I would.

One day he wanted me to fuck everything on his desk. First he cleared his entire desk off and wiped it down. Then fingered me till I was really wet and had me sit on his desk. He move me around wiped his desk down with me juices. Then he had me lay on the desk with my legs up. I watched him wrap every item in a condom except for his favorite pen. He shoved that in me without anything and swirled it around then had me squirm around until it fell out of me naturally.

Sometimes he'd give me mix signals, like when his pen fell out cause I was so wet, he called me a loose whore. Yet after he wanted to see how many pens he could push in me at once. After three of four big ones it started to get uncomfortable. I asked him to stop and he'd keep adding more inside me. He'd put too many in and it would hurt. I'd beg him to stop and would...eventually but he'd make me hold them inside, he wanted me to get used to the size. Eventually he'd allow me to push them out and apologize for being so stern. He'd promised he'd do better but encourage me to take more on. It was confusing, one minute he said I was loose the next I was too tight.

One time during a week we were on break he got us a hotel room. I was excited it was rare to go to a hotel. I thought I'd get to watch TV and we'd order food and maybe swim but he tightened my corset had me dress down to just it and my stalkings. He laid out dozens of toys, whips and rope on the bed and had us wear masks.

He turned on a video camera to film us rough fucking at first but when he'd come a few times, he started having me play with myself. He had me put small things in at first then I'd get bigger things as I got used to them. He got me these balls that worked my inside muscle. He'd shove a metal ball deep inside me then make me push it out with only the muscles in my pussy.

After I got one out he filled me up and made me work them out. Then he filled me up again took out some black duck tape and taped my privates up tight and wanted to go out. I didn't want to like this, I got worried but he gave me a big coat and said if I could keep the balls inside me, he'd let me get dessert.

He took me on a long walk and had me squate every so often. He'd check the tape to make sure it hadn't budged, then we drove around in his car. I had to keep my legs spread as we drove. Every now and then he'd slap my taped pussy hard. I would shake my body and I could feel the balls rattle around inside me and I'd cum all over myself. Sometimes it was so intense I'd jerk my hips and hump the air.

He signed I was...so beautiful like this... The tape started getting all wet but was still on when we got to the restaurant.

I sat next to him in a book as he ordered a big meal and ate it. Every once and a while he'd dip his hand down to make sure my balls were still inside. If I kept myself spread while the waitress came to refill his drink I could have one or two bites of his food but mostly watched him eat. I kept the balls in successful and he ordered my slice of cake. He let me have the my whole thing. Desserts were rare on my diet and it was so good.

We got back in his car then went to an empty parking lot, he told me to jump around and squat a few tomes. Then he wanted me to get on my hands and knees and air hump. He signed for me not to stop jerking about. I could feel the balls every time I moved my pussy. Unexpectedly he ripped the tape off it hurt and all the metal balls came pouring our along with a lot of my juices and I admittedly pissed myself. It stung so bad but I think it was one of the wetest times I'd ever been.

He had me dry myself off with a towel, that he had in his trunk then fucked me in his car then he drove me back home.

A few days later he rented another room. This time he put the balls in and had me jump on the bed till they came out. Then he fucked me till he came and put the balls back in until I pushed them out. After I found it funny sometimes the things we did were so weird. But I guess I liked weird sex...I liked not thinking. I realized when I was with him fucking or doing something sexual it would be all consuming and stimulating. I didn't think of Ian. I didn't think of my mom and of what I was going to do after the test. I just lived in the moment.

Mr. Jaids told me I was amazing. How liked how open and honest and into trying new things. He told me most women were bitter bitches but I was beautiful. I wondered how many women he'd been with. I asked about the other women in his life, how many had he been with? Did he ever have a girlfriend? How old he was? He said he didn't like talking about other women that weren't me and age was just a number, the older I got the more I'd understand that. I wanted to know more about him and his life but he never gave more.

We settled down for a while and watched tv. He set up the subtitles so I could follow what was going on. At one point he head me spread myself and just admired me. He got a drink of water from a bottle of water then stared at my pussy for a long moment. He eventually crawled on the bed and brought the end with the lid up to me. I realized what he was gonna do and shook my head. I blocked my pussy with my hand but he gave me a mean look and I moved it.

He smiled again then rubbed the lid at my opening. I was still wet from the balls and he was able to insert the it up to the neck of the bottle. He kept trying to push it in more and more. He signed that he hoped one day he could shove it in and drink from it while it was inside me. I thought he was joking.

He pulled it out then stood up, then signed for me to do a handstand on the floor. I did and he fill me with water and try to drink it from me..but I'd fell over and it always came rushing out. He pointed out if I could hold the bottle then he could just remove the lid, have had some water and put it back on. I brushed it off, sometimes he could be something else.

A few days before class started up again he surprised me with a gift. It was a box of dildos, ranging in sizes and shape. Each day he'd pick one out for me to wear the next day. He'd wanted me to put them in when I changed clothes before coming to the education center. I pointed out they'd fall out and he showed me a strap he'd bough to hold them in. He wanted me to practice using my muscles on them every so often.

I put them in but didn't always work my muscles. He always smiled big when I'd show him I had it in or spread in class. I only wore then for a few hours but found it hard when I had to used the rest room or if I bent over for anything. It felt odd but he always got so excited after class. He'd close down the room or I'd meet him at his car in another lot. He'd pop it out and sink into me saying my pussy was ready made, all juiced up for him and ready to go.

Sometimes if he were too hard or did to much my pussy could kind of go numb after a while. It was like it would get desensitized. Sometimes that was good like when he wanted to do some of the stranger things. One time he'd put condom on a banana and "fed" it to my pussy. I didn't want to know how a banana felt. He "fed" it to my pussy while I just laid there with my legs spread… After he peeled it and insisted I ate it or he'd really feed it to my pussy.

Another time he had me play with a marker trying to draw with my pussy and a piece of paper. He'd get mad when I dropped it so I had to keep putting more in till they stuck. When I'd draw something even simple, he'd get crazy excited him. He teased that he taught my pussy a new trick. I realized I was like his little experiment. He'd spend hours reading books and finding new things we could do. For the most part I said yes to everything.

One day we were at a hotel and he ordered pizza in the afternoon. He asked me to go into the bathroom, when the deliver guy came. I wondered what he was doing. He came in and asked my to sit in the tub with my legs spread. I wondered why but did it. He signed he really wanted to own me and he started to pissing between my legs aiming for my pussy. I got upset with that. I thought it was sick like he was dog marking his territory. I quickly closed my legs.

He stopping peeing and slap me across the face. He pulled my hair and threw me into the shower wall. When I picked myself up, he signed I had to hold myself open and take his piss so that my pussy would really his. It was too much, I didn't like it but he slapped me again and again and again throwing me into the shower wall until I was crying. I finally just did it, I knew he wouldn't stop till he got what he wanted. He pissed on me then let me shower and clean up.

When I came out of the bathroom he had a bunch of ropes. I was hungry but he said I hadn't earn it yet. I thought letting him piss on my privates had earned me a lot. I signed for him to just give me a slice. He slapped me and this time I slapped him back. I got him good to, the look of shock on his face said it all. However when he recovered, he got really mad and punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground and he spit on me. I knew I should do something... but I stayed silent... I just sat there and took it. What was wrong with me? Was I broken? Who let's someone do this to them. Who doesn't fight back or walk out...I did that's who.

He grabbed my hands and tied them. Then he put a ball gag in my mouth, he put my corset back on and made it so tight, I almost couldn't breath. I knew I should be upset but I was getting excited knowing he was going to do something...especially when he put a blind fold on me. I had no idea was to expect. He tied my arms to my legs and move me so my privates were exposed.

He came over and roughly fingered me. Then he slapped my pussy. It stung….but felt good. He smacked it harder and then again, I realized he was spanking my pussy. He continued to roughly spank me until came. Then he got one of the whips and stated lightly playing with me running it across my privates then he hitting me...I jerked, he hit me getting right on my clit. It really stung and I struggled to say still. He hit me again before taking the end of the whip and shoving it deep inside me. He worked it then, fucking me with it.

I moved trying to get free it was so rough but it also felt good, he didn't let up on me till my pussy was throbbing from another powerful orgasm at that point I was also crying again...everything felt so intense. I felt his tongue as he licked my tears from my cheeks. Then he gently petted my sex. He removed my ball gag but not my ropes or blind fold. He fed me one slice of pizza, a bite at a time and then gave me some water to wash it down. I kept thinking he'd release me but he didn't.

He kept me like that for a while, then suddenly without warning he pushed a dildo into me, it was one of the bigger ones and filled me up. He strapped it in place and then did nothing. After a few minutes I felt a vibration that I knew was the door. I wondered if someone had entered of he had left… I waited and waited...stressed out, I started to squirm trying to get free...to see if he was still here but I couldn't the ropes were too tight.

I tried to moved the dildo as it began to feel like it was uncomfortably poking me. I couldn't get it out, I couldn't do anything. It felt like forever before I felt the vibration of the door. He came back and then I felt the dildo push on me. I felt him pressing it with...something...it took me a moment to realize he was stepping on me. He was pushed the dildo with his bare foot. I could feel his toes. I don't know why but the very thought of it, the realization he was stepping on me.. on my pussy. I don't know why but I came really, really hard... that day…

I went to the adult center early the next day. I looked for a dictionary in the library and looked up what a masochist was once and for all. I found out it was someone who got gratification from there own sexual pain or humiliation. I wondered if he new I was that..

/

I wanted to tell to him about it but the that day a strange woman came into one of our classes, she was all bright and happy. I had my legs open for Mr. Jaids but shut them when he stopped talking. The woman smiled at him and kissed him on the lips in front of our entire class. I couldn't believe it not once had he mentioned another woman. I felt...jealous and then hurt. He was upset she'd stopped by but she wanted to.

I kept trying to read her lips. She said can't a wife check up on her husband every now and then. I gasped realizing he was married, I barely caught her lips as she said some house was ready for their new baby. He reminded her she wasn't pregnant and told her not to bother him while he was working.

That day when class was over he just left no games...no words just gone. I felt conflicted I didn't know he was married...did he have kids? I'd asked him about his life but he never told me anything. I couldn't wait for our next class I wasn't just going to sit by. After class I confronted him demanding to know if he was married. He signed it was none of my business. I don't know why but that really upset. I was fucking him, it was my business if he was fucking other people. I signed to him to tell me. He signed drop it but I wouldn't he knew everything about me...EVERYTHING and I knew little to nothing about him.

I signed at him demanding answers. He signed back some of us can keep our mouth and legs shut. I got so mad at that I threw his fucking stapler at him. He got up from his chair picked the stapler up from the floor and beat me with it. He actually send several staples into me. It hurt really hurt, he signed for me to leave we were done for today. I went home upset, It was hard getting the staples out and cleaning up. That night my mom was gossiping with a friend of hers on the phone seemed excited about something at dinner I saw her talking to Marty about how someone found out they were pregnant on birth control. I worried that could happen to me especially sine we never used protection.

I got worried the next day before class I gave him a note telling him about it. He pocketed it but didn't respond during class. When it was just us he informed me on top of the shot I'd gotten he'd also gotten himself fixed years ago. I signed what about his wife and a baby. He shrugged and signed he didn't want kids. I knew now he was married, again I was crushed. It was one thing to be doing what we were doing but now...not only was I fucking my teacher but a married man. I signed I was done with him with this. He signed fine...whatever and left.

We didn't talk for a while after that I had to take the bus home which wasn't easy for me. At night it could be harder to see and the buses has weird schedules. I tried to just focus on the prep classes. One day when class was over, he called another student to stay behind a pretty woman who was a year or two older then me. He sat on his desk like when he talked with me and showered her with attention. I felt rotten and left. On the way home I realized he probably fucked everyone in his class and I was just stupid.

I refused to follow his rules. I stopped wearing the dildo and I took off the corset and stockings. I slept with my legs shut and for breakfast I ate what I fucking wanted. I didn't style my hair and didn't change before class. I defiantly wore pants and a hoodie and I sat in the back, He noticed, he tapped me on the shoulder and signed for me to get to my seat. I signed no and he asked me to leave his class.

I couldn't believe this. I stormed out of his class. The next time I still wore pants but sat in my seat knowing I couldn't afford to fail this class. I just felt like such an idiot every time I looked at him. He probably got everyone to open up to him and play his games. He probably moved on to another when they realized he was fucking married.

After class that day he signed for me to stay. He asked if I wanted to apologize, I couldn't believe his nerve. I signed to him I meant it when I didn't want to be with him anymore. I didn't even like fucking him. He laughed at that and I signed, "I felt nothing for him." It was a cruel thing to sign but when I thought about it in that moment I realized this wasn't really a friendship anymore...this thing between us had become just rough sex and attention. I got off on him hurting and humiliating me and noticing me but when it came to how I felt about him he...I didn't really know him. He was just filling a need... my own deep void of self loathing. I signed all this to him as I realized it.

He got really upset, when I signed he was just filling a void. He repeating what I had said about him as he paced about the room. He ran up on me and threw me into a wall. I fell to the ground and he broke the leg off a chair. He put it under his arm and signed if I preferred, I could fuck it." He threatened to shove it inside me, to fill my gaping void.

I was scared then...I quickly learned everyone had their limit...even masochist. I pleaded for him not to. I signed I was sorry but he still came up to me with it. I crawled into the corner of the room afraid he'd force it inside me. He didn't back down he grabbed my ankle and pulled me to him. He ripped my leggings and tried to spread my legs. I lashed out scratching his face, he suddenly stopped and checked himself out in the mirror. When he saw I'd made him bleed he turned and beat me the chair leg. He beat me all over and I was so scared. I thought he was going to kill me.

He pulled me to him and spread me, he put the legs at my entrance. I felt it bearing down on me. I locked eyes madly sobbing thinking he was going to shove it inside me. Instead he pulled it back and hit me between my legs. It hurt so bad…i held my privates in my hand he dropped the wooden leg on the ground and then his pants he forced himself on me. He was the roughest he'd ever been. I almost couldn't walk after. The places he'd hit me were turning into bruises.

When he calmed down, he knew he'd gone too far. He looked really upset like he was going to cry. He ran his fingers through his hair and signed that THIS was my fault that I made him violent. He wasn't a violent person. I was the masochist... I was the one who like it rough. He could see why no one loved me, I just sucked people in and used them to my own ends that I was ever the victim, making him the monster. He signed he wasn't a monster, he was done with me and I could keep the broken chair leg. I could fuck it to feel my void because he was done with me. He was emotional as he stormed out of the room, he didn't even take his things.

I hobbled out of the center that day. All the things he'd done to me and said about me were awful. I worried they were true. I tried not to think, to feel, I cried myself to sleep. The next day I didn't go to class. It was the weekend then. I mostly stayed in my room I had bruises all over my body. I was worried someone might notice and ask questions. I didn't know what to tell them...everything felt so messed up.

The next time we had class I felt better still sore but I could manage. When I got class someone else was in my seat. I had to sit in the back. After that I stopped doing everything he told me. For the rest of the semester, we didn't talk privately, even once. On the last day of class, he packed his things up and he took off first thing. I thought it was over, that I might never see him again. I felt numb…

Now that the course was over, I was suppose to get a letter telling me I'd passed my prep course and the date of my test, but it never came. My mother got worried, I wondered if it got lost or he hadn't sent one. Nearly a month went by, then one day I came home from the library and was surprised to see he was in my house, talking to my mother, he had her laughing.

When she saw me her face quickly turned I could tell she was upset with me. He never once acknowledged I was in the room or even looked at me. He quickly wrapped up with my mother and left. I wondered what it was about but mother just started dinner. Later that night at dinner she told Marty about what happened, he blurted out how much of an idiot was I. His lips move fast but I got the jist of it. I failed the prep course and wasn't going to get to take the test, it would be a waste. Apparently I had to do then semester over again. NO! I COULDN'T! I watched my mom as she said that at least the school was paying for it this time, some special education grant. I couldn't believe this…I suddenly went from feeling numb to hyperventilating at the thought of being in the same room as him for another semester. I wasn't going I wasn't going….I WAS NOT GOING!

It was over between us...FUCK HIM. He said I could fuck a chair leg. CLEARLY he was done with me too. Why did he fail me? What was his deal! One minute he told me I was smart and I would pass his class the next he was telling my mom I had failed and needed to take the course again. Who was he lying to me or her. The rest of summer break, I struggled to decide if I was going or not going. The night before class I decided I had no choice, that I needed to pass so I could take my test. I thought of all the things I was going to say to him.

I went to classes early the next day and as soon as I saw him, I signed asking him what his deal was, why had he failed me. He looked at me like he was confused and responded because you failed. I reminded him how he said I was super smart and gonna pass his class. He apologized to me, that it was a miscalculation, my score hadn't met the requirements to pass and I'd need to repeat his class. I signed to him it was bullshit that I wouldn't. He simply reminded me if I left class, he'd have to mark me down as absent.

I had no choice but to stay, I sat in the back. The classes seemed normal that day but after he wanted me to stay. He signed from now on I'd close the classroom up, since I'd been here last year, I should know how he did it, I was also going to help him out every now and that.

I knew what that meant. I brought up everything he'd signed last time. He noted he'd had time to think about "my problems" and that I was too selfish and greedy. Maybe this semester he'd teach me how to be more humble. I shook my head thinking he was nuts. I signed sorry my void is filled. He signed to me that I would be his special student again or he'd fail me and I could live on the streets. He said that my mother already had plans for my room once I was gone and I was just taking up space. It hurt being reminded of how she felt and that I had no one.

I got so mad at him, after all the nastiness, after it was decided we were over he'd just changed his mind and now I was suppose to jump. Well I hadn't changed my mind, if anything being away from him had felt freeing. I didn't have to follow any of those silly rules and didn't have to struggle with myself over what we were doing. I felt I had as much power as he did and refused him. I signed I'd take his fucking class but I wouldn't fuck him. I stormed out of class thinking that was the end of it.

However that night my mom came into me room and gave me another letter. I read it, she said my teacher informed her I didn't show up to the first class and that if I missed class again he'd have no choice but to give me a warning. I read on, Mother admitted that my siblings were getting older and I couldn't live at home forever. I needed to pass his classes and take the test. Then she'd set me up with a a job and make sure I had a place to stay but she didn't think most places wouldn't hire a girl without a high school education. I knew she meant a deaf girl with no high school education.

I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place for hours I paced in my room but what choice did I have. The next day I put on my corset and stockings, I had to let the corset out some, I changed after I left the house and wore a skirt. I sat up front and spread my legs the way he liked, reluctantly giving him my answer. He stopped mid speech and staring at me before he collected himself. After class he didn't even speak to me. He just started closing down the class room, then lifted me on his desk, and pounded one out on me.

The old feeling fluttered through me but I culled it not wanting to feel anything with him. I could tell he really wanted me. After he desperately drilled me on his desk, we did it on the floor, in the closet, in his car and on a blanket in some random field for two hours. It was like he was insatiable. At one point I so sore, I just laid there and let him move me about as he wanted. He made sure I remembered all the rules and made me an appointment to get all my hair waxed, since I'd slipped on going.

It was late when I got home, I was covered in his sperm. I just wanted to take a shower and wash it all way. My mom was up, she asked how work study had gone, apparently Mr. Jaids had called and said I'd be staying after class from now on. I lied and wrote it was fine before getting into the shower and going to bed.

After that I met with him everyday, even if I had no class. The sex was always rough...the first few days, I was able to turn myself off but he knew what I liked and soon he had me twisting around his cock again. He started calling me names. He'd sign I was a cunt, a cum bank, a cum bucket, a slut, a whore. He no longer called me by my name...sometimes he'd just sign C and I knew what he meant.

He also got angrier easier now, he acted more entitled, he thought I owed him since I found out he was paying for this semester out of his own pocket. He wanted me to appreciate what he was doing for me and considered me HIS real whore now. He started up all his old shit...and I felt like I was being swallowed up by this whole mess again.

One day he took me to a hotel and tied me up. We had rough sex for several hours and then he took off leaving me tired up spread on the bed for the rest of the day. When he eventually came back, I was sore and wanted him to untie me but he refused to listen to me. He treated me like he didn't hear me or care to. He didn't look at me...He only looked at my pussy. He caressed it and when it was time for dinner he began to feed it. My pussy was dry at this point so he got it some water.

He fed it a banana in a condom first with the peel on then the peel off. He smooshed it inside me then pulled the condom out and I saw it was mush. He took a cucumber out but didn't wrap it he only washed it and slid it in. I wanted to complain but it felt good it was cold...ice cold and just sunk right in. I started jerking against it but he took it out. He got a grape and sucked on I shook my head but he pushed it in. I quickly pushed it out. He shook his head and got a plastic spoon. He spooned the grape inside me. Then another and another. He filled me then I pushed them all out. I was so humiliated…there was nothing I could do but take whatever he did to me.

I could see how his eyes would light up when he knew I was in uncomfortable and in pain. I realized he was getting off on my pain just as much as I was….no matter what he'd said. When he finally untied me I pointed it out to him he was violent on his own and he informed me he only enjoyed inflicting pain on me and because I enjoyed it so much...and that didn't count.

I...felt like he knew what he was saying and just what he was doing. I finally asked how many of his other students he'd done this with. I didn't know if I wanted the answer, it could have been a lot. He claimed I was his first student he'd ever crossed the line with. I doubted him but he swore it was only me he even claimed up until now he'd been able to keep it in his pants and was happily married but my pussy had just corrupted him. I didn't believe him.

I tried to set limits with us...to set an amount of time we could have sex and a safe signal so when he started going too far, he'd know to stop and reel himself back in. He refused a time limit and he didn't think he ever went too far. A part of me began to realize he wasn't in control as much as I thought and that he didn't know as much as I assumed he did.

Eventually things came to a breaking point. We were in mid semester. He wanted us to go to his cabin for the weekend. I wasn't sure I wanted to be alone with him for an entire weekend. I told him my parents probably wouldn't let me but he told my mom he was taking me and some other students to a job conference, where they'd teach me all about getting and keeping a job.

After that I couldn't really say no. It was a long drive out to the cabin, I fell asleep and woke up with us driving deep into the woods. When I got out of the car I looked around a bit and thought it looked like a nice place. I'd never been to a cabin before or on a weekend trip without my family.

When we got inside, he surprised me with a special custom sex suit. He said I'd finally earned it. It was made of black latex and had all sorts of straps and zippers. I'd been on my diet again and had lot she weight again but it was still so tight, he had to help me get it on. At one point I wasn't sure it would fit but it did and was so snug it was like a second skin. It covered every part of me but my hands feet and mouth. The head piece even covered my eyes I could see out but most my side vision was blocked. He added a special black corset and laced it up.

Once it was on, he unzipped parts of the suit taking them off. He removed the part over my breasts exposing them, the corset made them stick up and out more. He unzipped several parts around my my privates, exposing my pussy and my round but. He was happy when he took a step back and looked at me. He had me turn and slapped my ass. He got me some tight, latex boots with platform hills, he had to put them on me and laces them up for me. When he stood me up I could barely walk in them. He left me alone for a few minutes and I managed to look at myself in a full length mirror.

I didn't recognize myself at all. In the suit I had such curves. It hid my face only exposing my mouth and chin. My boobs looked rounder and privates were clearly exposed, cleanly waxed I could see every bit of me. When I turned slightly I could see my but, it looked so round and perfect.

I realized this suit made me into a literal sex doll. It looked good on me really good but I defiantly didn't look like me. It made me looked like someone else...no some object, some toy to be used. I saw the corset had a handles on it for him to get a better grip on me, like I was some ride. I wondered was this all I was to him. I didn't so much get off on it, if anything I got sad. Was this how he saw me now? Was this how I saw myself? Wasn't I something more then this? Was I really just...a hollowed out sex doll.

I began to feel uneasy...everything fit so tight...too tight I felt like I couldn't breath…. I wanted to take it off and that is when I found out, I couldn't not without him. There were zippers with little locks everywhere, I was stuck as this...this thing until he decided to free me. When he came back in the room he was naked save for a hooded mask with the mouth cut out and a fucking tilted crown on his head. The mask was also painted like it was laughing. In his hands I noticed a fancy new camera. I signed for him to take the suit the off. I read his lips as he said, "No, this weekend's lesson was sexual humiliation, he was going to humble my pussy and ego."

I shook my head and again I signed to take it off. He shook his head back and I read his lips "I told you. This weekend is humiliation. You need to learn some humility. You need to know your place. You are nothing more then my cunt. You are just a pussy, ass, tits and mouth. This suit shows you what you are and it isn't coming off until you understand that's all you are all you'll ever be."

I didn't even know where to begin with his bullshit. I knew he liked to dominate me and pretend he own me that I was something to be possessed but sometimes he could go too far with the fantasy. I started to sign again and he smacked my ass and signed for me to get walking. I protested again and he pushed me to fall on the bed. He set the camera down then sat on the bed. He grasped hold of me and bent me over his leg. He began violently spanking me. After a dozen or so hard smacks he pushed me to the floor. My but stung and I could see in the mirror he'd left bright red hand prints. He grabbed me by the back of the neck and then brought me up to the full length mirror.

He held me to stare at myself and him. He gestured to his eyes and to the mirror to look. I looked at myself. He ran his fingers across me mouth, caressing my lips, then he pinched my nipples and heartily squeezed each breasts. He pulled the lips of my pussy apart exposing me and then flicked my clit with his finger. It mad me bend forward and he turned me so I could see my but in the mirror. He slapped it hard again and then motioned to his lips. "All that you are is this, nothing more. The only thing you live for is this." He pointed to his cock.

I rolled my eyes I was glad my masked covered them or he'd be upset. Sometimes he took was way too much. He grasped hold of my chin making sure I read his lips again "Get down on your knees and kiss my cock."

I glared at him, I didn't want to but he started shoving me down. I just gave in. I fell to my knees and he shoved his cock in my face. I kissed it. He pet me on the head, and then jammed it in my mouth. He fucked my cheeks and put it deep into my throat. I still gagged but not as much. I began to bob and put pressure on I squeezing the shaft going as deep as I could and then pulling back. I sucked on the very tip, swirled it with my tongue. After a few minutes he roughly grabbed the back of my head and face fucked me. I nearly puked he was so rough. When he grew close he tensed sent it back into my throat and released. I closed my eyes and kept swallowing and sucking until I got it all down.

He patted my head and I let it out of my mouth. He ran his finger tips across my lips making sure I hadn't wasted a single drop. Then he looked down at me and I read his lips as he said "Bow."

Seriously he wanted me to bow before him like he was some king. He slapped my cheek when I wasn't fast enough to comply. I got down bowing to him. He walked around me lording over me. Then I felt his foot on my back. I moved to lay flat on the ground, knowing what he wanted me even lower. He stood there for a moment one foot on the ground the other on me then, he stepped between my legs. I parted them and he stepped on my sex with his bare food, pressing down on it with his weight. He squished me...holding it there for a few seconds then stepped off.

He sat up and he signed "Start walking or I'll smack your pussy next."

Again I gave in, he grabbed the camera and I walked around the cabin until I was used to platform boots. Then he wanted to go outside, I didn't want to go out there, I thought surely someone would see me like this. He signed they wouldn't see my face only the important parts. I flicked him off and he smack me again. I went outside, it was still daylight, on the porch I looked around to see if I could see other houses or people in the distant but we had a lot of tree cover.

I felt less freaked out but still hoped no one saw us messing around. It was one thing to do things at night and another to do them in broad day light. He signed for me to move and I got off the porch carefully. I walked around the front yard and then into the woods. He'd instruct me to do squat every so often or and bend myself to exploding my pussy every few feet. I'll admit I started to get wet thinking of how risky this was. He got really close with the camera and ask me to show more of myself to it, he wanted to see inside. I spread my lips really wide and he roughly finger fucked me to get my pussy to open up more. I nearly came but he pulled out and had me spread myself again. He took pictures then we continue to walk around.

After a few minutes he signed for me to crawl on my hands and knees for a bit. I did then he wanted me roll in some fallen leaves. I didn't want to but he showed me his open palm. I rolled around in the leaves. He signed I was a dirty bitch. He signed to have me nod. I nodded, he picked up a stick and wanted me to take it inside me but I threw it away and shook my head adamantly. I was glad when he changed his mind and just told me to go back inside.

When we got inside he attached a thing that looked like a dog collar to my neck, the name tag read cunt, it had a chain leash coming off it and a long cord. I wondered what the cord was for but soon found out it went between my legs. It fit tight going in at my front coming out at my back and reattaching to my suit. When he pulled the chain leash the cord would go taut against me my privates.

He had me get on all fours then began walking me around the house like I was a dog. I had to move to keep up with him. He kept yanking the chain when I was too slow, the rough unexpected pressure became too much. I came instinctively air pumping my hips. He filmed it all getting off on it. After a second he dropped the leesh and grabbed something, a but plug with a shiny blue gem on the end of it. He inserted it in my anus, then signed for me to wiggle around.

Then he took off his shoes. He had me lower my front half pushing my sex high up in the air. He put the top of his foot at my but and then lowered it till I felt it against my wet pussy, without warning he pulled back and kicked me between my legs. It wasn't a hard or painful kick just a surprise. He kicked me again harder and then again harder, each time I jerked to the hard smack the cord would tighten and with the anal bead, my senses were all over the place.

He paused for a minute or two playing with his camera then he stopped, he crouched down and showed me the video he'd taken. It looked so weird seeing myself it looked like some other woman crawling around on the ground, squatting outside and exposing herself in public, rolling in the leaves. It was so indecent. When I saw myself being leg around like a dog and dry humping the air it was so degrading.

I looked like I was a dog heat or something waddling all around. It was like I was begging for a cock. I turned me on...when I saw him placing his foot and kicking my pussy, it too did something to me, to be kicked in such a precious place...I put my hands tween my legs I was sopping wet now, I watched as he went harder and my entire body rippled from the impact of a hard pussy kick. I guess I did like the humiliating aspect of all this. I decided we could do more in the suit. I gave my consent. I knew it was me but I felt like I was also relaly someone else now. I was no longer Ian's Song. I was an entirely different creature...

He smiled at me, happy to continue. He rewarded me with having me get in position again. He gave me another swift kick in the pussy, I jerked knowing how it felt and looked I nearly came again. I was hoping he'd keep going but he took the collar off taking the chain and cord away. He left the collar on but signed that he put toys around the entire cabin and wanted me to interact with them. I walked around looking...some of the things looked...a bit dangerous, a candle, some silver wear, eggs, more grapes and a full sausage in a condom. I went for the actual sex toys, I grabbed long clear purple double sided dildo. I pretending to suck one end off while dipped the other end between my legs on the stairs. I could see how hard he was getting again. He took a moment to put on a cock ring. I knew he wanted this to last.

I continued to suck and play with the dildo, he couldn't stand to just wathc. He grabbed the end dangling between my legs and tried to push it in but I wasn't quit ready for it's girth yet. Instead he settled for slapping me with it. I jump a few times and noticed I was so wet I was dripping on the floor. I kept my legs spread and he smacked me some more but eventually he tossed it across the room wanting me to move on.

I got off the stairs and moved to the couch in the living room I saw a candle stick holder… and some lip stick tubes. I picked up the lipstick tube and put it on my lips then I drew on my breasts. I made my aroused nipples look like big hearts. He liked that...he zoomed in on them and pinched them. Then he wiped the excess on my breasts.

He signed he wanted me to do my other lips with the lipstick, I declined. He wasn't happy but I suggested I could put it inside me. He was happy again he pulled a condom out a nearby condom from a box. He had me put the lip stick tub in a condom then I sat on the couch spread, inserted it. I was so wet and it was so small it just sunk and disappear, like it was a magic trick. He pulled in close with the camera. I couldn't see the tube but I could see the condom wrapper when I looked down. I was careful not to push it too far up not wanting to lose it inside me.

I smiled when he signed he couldn't see it and that I was beautiful. He pet my lips and then pushed the condom all the way inside. I didn't like that but he stopped once it was in and instructed me to open and closet my legs. He had me open then then rubbed me then slapped me a few good times. I liked that, he had me walk around and had me bending and squatting. I did the length of the room twice. Then sat on the couch and spread myself. I looked down and you still couldn't see anything at it was like there was nothing there but I felt it inside me. He rubbed his hand over me again then spread my entrance to show the camera it was in there. I felt him tug at it condom and then jab pushing it in more.

I shook my head fearing we'd lose it up inside me. He pulled back and then started to mount me. I realized he wanted to fuck me with it inside me. I pushed him back and reached for it. I almost couldn't pull it out he'd pushed it and the condom up so far but I got the condom and pulled it out, I dropped the it on the ground.

He pulled back and I thought he'd be mad but instead he turned to a box on the coffee table. He opened it and I saw several of those shiny metal weighted balls in all sorts of sizes. He set the camera up on a tripod and then had me spread my legs on the couch. He asked if I wanted them and I signed yes.

He put the first one in with his finger just popping it in...a nice medium size ball then a smaller one then another medium. He took a larger one out and pulled back. I wasn't sure I'd worked myself up enough to fit something like that in with ease.. He positioned me so he could have the metal ball sit at my opening then he lifted his food and stepped on me until it went inside me. I shuttered at that he did it again with another one. I could feel all the balls the bigger ones were heavier then the others….

I started shaking them around inside me liking how it felt I was close to coming again. He gestured for me to stand and shake them out. I stood and shook. I felt them rolling around in me and I came at the sensation as I came I kept shaking till they all fell out. When they had all fallen out on the floor he signed for me to return to the position. I got on my back and lifted my knees to my chest spreading myself. He went back for a really big one. He handed it to me and it was cold like it had been put in the fridge...it also some decent weight to it when he let me hold it..

It got me excited to think of how it would feel to have it sink in. He moved the ball to my opening and it was bigger then the others. It only sat at my entrance like a golf ball on T. I shrugged thinking I wasn't ready yet...but closed my eyes I could feel the chill and its weight just sitting at my entrance, it was cold...so cold, and felt good. I opened my eyes to see he' lifted his hand up and then slammed it down me hard sending the ball into me.

It quickly sunk in with my juices and went all the way down to my core, expanding me as it went. I started jerking it hurt but felt so good. I started to move around and wanted to get up but he wouldn't let me. He signed to wait then dried my entrance off with a towel. I could feel it just sitting on my cervix I really wanted to move around but he had me dry up some. Then he let me get up. it moved with me and I shook, jumped, danced about unlike the others it didn't fall out. I thought that was so cool. I guessed that was why he had me dry up some to keep it in.

I wadded around liking how it moved about then collapsed forward feeling it bump my core. He signaled for a hand stand. I did and it bumped my core again he held my ankles. I was completely upside down it was resting perfectly in me again I felt so full I wanted to keep it in forever this sensation felt so amazing. He kept me like that for a bit then I jumped around grinding and humping, the couch before long I was cumming hard. I could feel my muscles tighten and squeeze around the ball. I came...and came….He watched me he smiled. I felt like I was in a days. I crawled around dragging my pussy over things feeling the sensation of of all...I didn't care...about what I was doing I felt so good. I could feel my body clutch the ball tighter and tighter till it was just a lump in me.

When I finally came down...from my orgasmic high I was on the ground. I WAS read for it to come out. I got up spread myself and jumped but it wouldn't come. I shook all about, then put a finger inside me. My finger had to go way up...my pussy was really swollen from having come a so many times was keeping it. I kept jumping and grinding but I just had another orgasm. I moved to all fours and started air humping and I felt it move all around but not come out.

I signed it was stuck. He set the camera down and I thought he was gonna help me. I thrust my sex up and spread really wide so he could reach in but he didn't stick his fingers in. He put his cock in. I squirmed thinking he was gonna shove it in more. I felt it and him move inside me. He pinned me and drilled me. I knew this was for not letting him fuck me with the lipstick tube. He went for a while with the ring on. When he was done he signed lubricant but he hadn't come inside me. I could see he hadn't.

He signed for me to shake and jump it out again. I moved dancing jumping shaking but it was in there. It moved all around but my body didn't want to let it go.

He teased me signing "Guess it lives there now"

I got scared. He instructing me to squat and push with my muscles. I sat and pushed and pushed it eventually plopped it out. It was warm to the touch then from my body heat. He took it and kissed it then kissed me. He fucked me hard from behind then, I just laid on the floor exhausted. He didn't come but I did. I wondered if this was going to be my entire weekend. If so I was gonna cum a lot. Maybe this wasn't all so bad.

After a while he pulled out. We took a rest which I was surprised since he was still hard he eventually removed the ring and let himself come down naturally. We cleaned up then did our own thing for a few hours. I tried to read a book in the suit and then at one point I had to go to the bathroom I asked if he could remove the suit. He signed for me just to go it should be fine. I was able to go without any issues. I was so wet though when I wiped I was like drenching my hand. I looked at myself in the mirror again thinking I really looked so different. I spent a few more hours lounging about then he had me come into the bedroom.

He cuffed my wrists above my head to the bed frame and then put the bottom back on my suit. I wondered what he was doing. He signed cock whore training… I'd almost forgotten about that. I thought he was joking but he took two sizable dildos that jutted in and out. He stuffed up my pussy then put the other in my anus then he zipped up and locked the suit. He gave my privates a good slap and then showed me he had a controller. He turned it on and they started jerking inside me. He had it on low. It felt strange and then he kept turning up. My privates go so wet and felt like they were being drilled. I came and came and came and he left me like that for who knows how long. I tried to pushed them to squirm but the suit held them in tight. I just came and came and came I wet myself all over. I couldn't think...after a while it started to get painful when I came I wanted to remove them but he wouldn't come back.

Eventually as it grew dark out and he unhooked me and took me to the bat tub. He finally turned them off and released the bottom part of my suit. I was so swollen and sensitive. He had to tug the toys out. He showed me how big my clit got and how aroused my tits were. He suggested I get my tits and clip pierced so he could lead me around with them. I signed no way but he said maybe next weekend. I was hoped he was joking especially about piercing my clit.

I wanted to rest but he insisted on fucking me till he came. He said I was so swollen I was almost as tight as that first time. My legs felt weak after and I kept feeling sensitive for the rest of the night. I was glad when he gave me the rest of the night off but he still wouldn't take off the suit. I was hoping we could talk or do something but he went to bed.

I thought I'd sit up for a bit but found out when he went to bed I went to bed. I got into bed with him and said I thought I wouldn't sleep next to a man till I was married. He signed marriage wasn't for girls like me, with a body and appetite like mine, I was only meant for being a whore. He wanted to have me wear some glass plugs he bought while we slept but I refused. At one point in the middle of the night I woke to him pushing a glass plug into my pussy. We struggled I got it out and he slapped me. He signed I was bad cunt. I flipped him off and locked myself in the bathroom.

The next morning he apologized signing he went too far. I made it clear I didn't like being touched while I was unconscious. He signed he understood. He offered to make me breakfast. I hoped for pancakes when I saw he had the mix but he gave me a cup of yogurt. I signed asking if I could take a break from the diet this week. I really like pancakes.

He signed he'd make me some on if I sat on a stood with a glass plug in my pussy. I didn't want to but when I smelt powdered sugar I gave in. He set a stool up next to him while he cooked. I put the plug in and it filled me and was flat on the end. I could sit on the stool easily enough. He adjusted me after a minute to where the plug was flat on the stool and my pelvis was curved. It began to feel little big sitting like that. He signed I'd be able to take a water bottle soon enough he was thirsty. I slapped him. When the pancakes were done I wanted off the stool but he would only feed them to me if I continued to sit like that.

When it was over I wanted it out. I took it out slowly but noticed my body didn't immediately go back. It had conformed to the glass and I had a had a small gape. He was so happy to see it. He took a picture of it. He signed wanted to put things in to see what we could fit. I shook my head still feeling so sore from yesterday. He grabbed a bottle of water and just wanted to compare. I signed to him I was never putting a water bottle in my pussy. I signed I was sore and we were done for the morning, my privates were off limits.

I signed I was beginning to think that all he thought about was sex. He suggested it should be all I think about and that I was the weird one. I was eighteen, built for sex and had no responsibility except to please him. We didn't communicate much after that. I spent the morning reading the in the bedroom.

When it was lunch I went back to the living room he signed he was making me a really good lunch to make up for this morning. I wanted to help him but he put on a subtitled movie for me and had to sit extra close to see the subtitles. Eventually he tapped my shoulder, I went to the table but there was only one chair at the table and one plate. He sat down then wanted me to sit on his dick. I slowly eased myself onto it. I thought he wanted me to fuck him but he just signaled to sit still. He fed me then…bite after bite, I noticed he was wasn't eating. I signed and he signed back he wasn't hungry. I thought was weird he hadn't had breakfast but the food was good what I had of it. I could only eat so much with the corset. He also kept insisting I drink a small glass of juice it tasted a little strange but he kept tipping it back till I finished it off.

He had me go finish my movie while he messed around in the bedroom. The words started to get blurry after a few minutes. I felt weird when he had me stand up I was almost light headed. He took me back into the bedroom. He had me start playing with different sized dildos. I would insert then slowly pull it out then insert the next size and slowly pull it out as he recorded it. I found he got some bigger ones then I was used to. I didn't feel so good playing with them...I didn't recall getting up from the couch.

My mind felt foggy, was tired, I wanted to stop. I laid back on the bed thinking I might sleep. He did something for a few minutes then signed he'd help me push them in. I didn't know want he was talking about I just felt so out of it. I laid there as he inserted a toy in me, then another size up, when that one came out, he took a bottle of lube and squeezed a bunch it inside me. I thought it felt so cold. He worked me up with his hand for a bit massaging my pussy.

Then he lifted me up and took me to a sex swing he had set up in the corner of the room. He put me in it so my legs were spread open and my ankles went up near my head...completely exposing my pussy. Pussy was shut a funny word. Word...word.. He strapped my hand up at the wrists and I felt like I was a puppet on strings. When I was secure, he brought over the water bottle and I tried to shake my head but just started off into space as he fucked me with the lid end, he got it passed the neck some and then pulled it out, he turned it and tried pushing the other end running it over me. I didn't like that I started to protest, I pushed him back when he started forcing it.

I thought it was too big but he kept lubing it up and me up. He rubbed it against my entrance, pushing, pushing...he was always pushing me. I wanted out of the swing but I couldn't get myself out. I was so wet with all the lube I felt myself painfully stretch but he finally he got it in. He pushed it back all the way to as far as it would go. Then he pulled back and came in with the camera. I looked down at myself. I had a full bottle of water sticking out of my pussy. He got a glass from the kitchen and put it under me. Then he took the cap off the water before getting the camera. He had me tilt my pelvis until the water started pouring out of my pussy bottle and into his glass.

He put the lid back on and pushed it back in deeper as it started to come out then he patted my pussy like it had been good. He signed, "My personal water cooler,"

I felt...I don't know... how I….felt sleepy. He sat in a chair in the opposite corner and just looking at me. He kept taking pictures with both his cameras. After he drank the water he eventually signed, "This suits you, here now, like this, you finally have a purpose, you're more then just a greedy hole."

I could barely keep up with his signing. I kept looking down and seeing the water bottle thinking it was weird. He got another glass of water from me and then had me drink it. It spilled all over. He left the bottle in for a few minutes taking close up pictures before he drank direly from it and pulled it out with his mouth. He came in with his camera on the gape it left. He came back with a flash light around the same size, turned it on then inserted it. He turned out the lights pulled a chair up and took out a book. He used me to read the book for a few pages.

Eventually he moved the chair back turned on the lights and took the flash light out. He shined it inside me and admired me, then got a bottle of wine. It was huge but I wasn't scared I was... I didn't feel anything but light happy...tired. He popped the cork but made no intention to inserting the bottle. He poured himself a glass of wine and sat in the chair staring at me. Then he signed, "Did you want some wine."

I didn't respond, I never had any. He moved the bottle up to me but inserted the the spout in my pussy. I looked down as he tilted the bottle filling me up. I felt it slosh about inside me. I felt...really...really weird after that. It spilled all over the floor when he pulled the bottle back I wondered if I was drunk. He put some more in then dropped to his knees and drank from me. I felt him sink his tongue in deep. Then he fucked me in the swing until he came inside me. He filmed my pussy dripping wine and his cream all over the hard wood floors.

Then he sat back down folding his hands as he started at me and thought. He smiled rubbing his chin after a moment. He signed, "I can do whatever I want with you right now and you wont do a thing. You're perfect like this. I love you,"

He began to pacing after a bit excitedly. He got the box of metal balls and inserted them in me...they kept falling out, I was too wet and had gotten too big. He kept pushing them up but again they'd drop and roll around. He shook his head then left the room. He cam back with a small hard wooden paddle.

He looked down at my pussy and signed, "Bad...pussy. You need to learn respect. I have to punish you now" I didn't understand. He signed to my pussy again. "You need to know your place, who truly owns you." He signed to me then. "I owned you. I am not just some cock to fill the gap. I am your master." I just looked at him, I read his words but I couldn't make sense of them anymore. I couldn't make sense of anything.

He took the paddle and pressed it against my exposed dripping sex. He lined the paddle board up and I felt it as he lightly tapped me. I smiled, he signed, "I own this pussy." Then he drew his hand back and came in hard. He struck my pussy, the impact was so hard I fell forward in the swing. My pussy burned and throbbed. He set me back up and secured me in the swing. Then signed "This is my pussy. I am it's master. It will take what I give it" He dipped his dick into me all the way then, pulled back, set up the paddle's position and hit me dead on. It sent ripples of pain and pleasure through me I...I began throbbing so much that I unexpectedly piss myself as I came. He'd just hit me so hard. I looked at him as I soiled the floor. When I was done he was angry. He shook his head and signed, "Bad pussy and whacked me again, it stung. He began paddling me again and again and again. My body violently jerked and moved and twisted in the swing but I couldn't break free…I didn't try to...I just...let him do whatever he wanted...after a while my pussy grew numb.

Eventually he stopped and lifted me from the sex swing. He took me to the bathtub and washed me off on the outside and inside. I almost passed out when he set me on the ground. I started dragging myself, I don't even know why or where I was crawling. Suddenly I felt his foot between my legs he kicked me hard. I didn't feel it but I collapsed...he dragged me through the hall and tried my hands behind my back.

He got a chair and then laid me so my legs were over the back of the chair and my back was on the seat. He tired me to it with rope. Then he set up the camera to watch me. Everything was upside down as I let my head fall back.

He came over and inserted something in me. I don't know what it was he moved the tri-pod so it was over me and the camera was bearing down on my privates. Suddenly I felt something warm...fall on me...and then again...it began to sting on the places that weren't numb.. I managed to lift my head and saw a lit candle in my pussy as it melted the wax stung me. The pain lasted for a few seconds then faded, lasted for a few seconds then faded. I sunk my head back. Eventually he removed the candle and began dripping it onto my breasts.

He moved the tripod cleaned up then untied me. He took me back to the bathroom and washed the wax off. He put the sprayer between my legs several times. I could feel it kind of but my body was becoming desensitized from the hard smacking and the candle wax. He dried me off took more pictures of me laying on the bathroom floor. Then he dragged me through the house and back into the living room. He laid down a blanket put me in the center. He separated my legs and put a pillow under me rolling my pussy to be open.

I didn't understand why I felt so out of it. Why I felt so numb to all he was doing. I kept seeing his mask and started to forget it was him. He fucked me again but didn't finish he just video taped himself. Him smacking his dick against me. He spoke his his lips moving but I could no longer read...no longer understand.

He left me for a bit and I almost fell asleep he brought over a basket of sex toys, the bottle of lube and the wine bottle. He took a swig then pushed it into me pouring some inside me. He ate me out then drinking it from between my legs. I felt really out of it. He opened a big box of condoms and began putting condoms on various objects and food. I saw sausage, cake and carrots. He'd lay them next to me surrounding me in then. He set up the camera and I closed my eyes watching him pick up the first item, I passed out.

/

When I woke up I had no idea, what time it was or even where I was. It took me a moment to realized I was at Mr. Jaids cabin, his living room. I was on my back my legs spread open. The sex suit was still on. There was long tube to the side of my mouth it had some some liquid residue in it. I pushed it away and looked around feeling groggy there were all sort object in condoms littered about the floor. I saw his camera pointed down at me.

I sat up feeling extremely sore. I wasn't able to walk, when I looked down my privates were so swollen and painful. When I looked down I also saw writing all over my breasts in what appeared to be black marker. He'd written his name and then vulgar words, slut, cunt, whore, bucket and a tally or nine lines.

I looked at my privates closer there was more marker words cum dump, Carter's Piggy bank, He had an arrow just above my crotch along the arrow it read. Always open, the lips of my pussy looked really strange, they were red and swollen. I realized he'd gone and put lips stick on them.

I tried to recall what had happened but found I couldn't remember anything from last night, beyond fucking on the couch with those balls. I looked at the camera sitting on it's tripod. It...would know what he'd done to me. I still couldn't believe he kept going after I'd fallen asleep. I crawled over and managed to knock the tripod down on the couch. I grabbed the camera and tried to use it. I had no idea how it worked.

It took me a moment to turned it on then I accidentally pushed the rewind button. My head was so fogged up it to me a few minutes to turn it of then I pushed play. I had to have the camera really close with the suit on I could barely see unless it was right in front of me. I saw the camera zooming in on a water bottle inside me. No wonder I ached I couldn't believe he'd actually done it, the mother fucker.

He he poured himself a glass of water and I shook my head not wanting to see that. I fast forward and saw him pouring wine in me, FUCK. I fast forward I thought I saw a candle and more toys he inserted. I tried to pause but went past it, I saw him playing with the tube of lipstick and markers writing all over me. I saw him biting me, my but my inner thigh I looked down on my inner thigh to see teeth marks I'd missed

Then pulled out the lipstick and filmed himself putting it on the lips of my pussy. Then for the camera he put the lipstick tube in a condom, he then inserted it in me. Then he fucked me with it in. I couldn't believe this. He knew I'd not wanted that. I watched him struggled to get it out. I didn't remember any of this he kept pouring wine in me and drinking it. Maybe it was the wine...that made me forget? I'd never had it and to have it inside me like that couldn't be good.

The camera cut out, I thought it was done but then it turned on he was outside in the back yard, riding me hard doggy style. His hand on the handles connected to the corset. It was clear I was unconscious my body was limp. He took one hand off the corest handle and waved at the camera, like he was doing me one handed. The camera cut, I was laid out on the ground. He kicked my legs open and pissed between my legs from behind then all over me. I covered my mouth.

He hosed me down then put a fucking water hose both my holes. He picked up a stick off the ground and poked my boobs with it. You could clearly see I was unconscious, he poked at the lips of my pussy with a dirty fucking stick, he hit me with it, then toss it. He hosed me off then put me on the porch next to the trash bags. He talked to the camera saying things but I could read.

It cut out showing me back in the living room. I knew I should stop watching but I had to know. He was watching TV on the couch. He'd positioned me to straddle him. My head was slumped over on his shoulder. I was sitting on his crotch but he wasn't inside me. He lightly rocked us both back and forth running his hand up and down my back squeezing my but cheeks every now and then. He'd roll them pull them apart as he watched part of a movie. Something inside my pussy started to pop out. He pushed it back in and smiled at the camera.

After a few more minutes he repositioned me to spread me open. He showed the camera what was inside me. I could just make out the lid of can of beer. He'd put an entire fucking can of beer in me. He smiled pushed it in more, patted my privates showing it was completely inside then positioned me back to where I was straddling him and my head rested against his shoulder. He held me rocking me again. I couldn't fucking believe him I shook my head horrified I needed to stop but kept going, I fast forwarded, he sat with me for a while like that.

Then I saw lay me out on the kitchen table. He kept moving me struggling to get the can to pop out now. It didn't want to come out...when he finally got it hanging out half way, he popped the top and drank it while it was still inside me. When the can was empty he took it out. He used a flashlight to shine inside me and showed the gape that it had left. I could see inside me... He smiled disappeared and then came back with something he'd wrapped in plastic, he showed the camera the fucking chair leg he'd broken off months ago.

I shook my head. NO! NO! NO! PLEASE TELL ME HE DIDN'T! My hands shook like I could actually stop this. He showed my gape from the can again. Then he lubed the chair leg up and eased an end of it in...He pushed and pushed till it was all the way in, then pulled back and said things to me. I couldn't read his lips but his mouth moved. He waved his finger around point at me and his mouth got wider as he yelled. He walked circles around me and I could tell he was getting off on this...lording over me. He got big and stroked himself while thrusting the chair leg inside me He came on me and the chair leg and took picture.

He left it inside me then walked away. I fast forward he left me like while he made dinner. Then he put a table clothe down and set me like I was a table. He sat down and ate ever now and then he'd touch the chair leg inside me and nod and talk to himself. He cut the camera off after a bit and it came back on but I was barley watching. I was horrified. I didn't think anything could be worse then what he'd just done. Yet I watched him pace around in the living room. The chair leg had been removed. He was moving his mouth talking to himself and the camera. He put the tub I'd woken up to in my mouth. I was so out of it I didn't even fucking gag. I held my throat it felt sore. I hadn't noticed with everything else... He took the other end attaching it to the end of his flaccid penis, he winked at the camera mouthing something, I didn't catch he threw his head back and started to peeing. I watched his pee flow down the tube and into my mo-

I puked...I ...I couldn't I couldn't watch anymore. I couldn't believe...HE'D… HE'D I began smashing the camera...EVERYTHING HE'D DONE TO ME...HOW HOW COULD HE DO THAT. I was unconscious. I smashed the camera, smashed it till it was in pieces on the ground. I felt disgusted violated, I wanted this suit off. I scratched at it but it wouldn't come off. I crawled to the bathroom wanting to wash my mouth out but first I made myself puke I wanted it out of me. After I' d puked and washed my mouth. I noticed him asleep in bed. Mother fucker...abused and violated me and just left me on the floor when he was done to sleep in his soft bed.

I turned on the sink and swished my mouth again and again. I had to pee so I sat down I felt something pass thought me. I stood and one of those metal balls fell into the toilet. I put my fingers inside myself and could feel more. He'd just left them in me. Sick son of a bitch. I cursed him as I tried to get them out. I was so swollen, it was painful but also numb my muscle wouldn't work or release the balls. I shook it hurt but I bounced pushed like I was pooping and finally another passed it was one of the larger ones and then two of the medium just dropped out.

I pushed my finger inside me and still felt something, I started a hot bath and got in. I let myself relax completely the hot water helped me feel a little better. I felt inside and it had shifted down now. I got on my knees in the tub and worked the ball out and into the water with specks of blood. I felt inside me once more and it was empty. I'd never been so happy to be empty I tried to scrub off all the writing all the fucking lip stick on my skin. I got the lipstick off it stained my skin and colored the water but the marker was permanent. It faded but was still there. I just kept wondering how he could do that to me or anyone, why hadn't I woken up. Had I been drunk or something. I got out dried myself off and tried to cover myself.

I crawled through the hall thinking I wanted out of this suit. I wanted to go home. I wanted- Suddenly I the towel rip away and a had smack my ass so hard I fell forward. When I turned I realized he was up in more ways then one. I rolled on my back and violently push him away. I wanted nothing to do with him. He just playful brushed my attempt to to get him away off. I tried to make him see hands, I gestured to him and began to sign but he grasped my wrists and pinned me down. I read his lips he said, "I bet your hungry. I'll feed you."

I looked at him confused. He moved my hands above my head so he could pin them with one. I struggled and tried to kick him but again he just brushed it off. I tried to fight, to make him see I was upset with him. He began placed himself. I shook my head, I didn't want it or him ever inside me again.

He entered me with a rough thrust I struggled to get free but he just kept pounded me into the hallway floor. I cried breaking down it hurt...everything hurt...he was hurting me. He didn't last long to which I was grateful. He came inside me, when he pulled out he whipped his excess on me and then gave my pussy a hard smack. He smiled but not at me. He was looking at my it, I read his lips, "I'm gonna feed you a lot today."

I was disgusted, he was talking to my sex but he didn't even look at me, didn't see my distress. He gave me another had smack between my legs. I jutted as I felt my body quake from the sting of it. I began crying but he didn't notice, he simply let go of my hands and pulled away, moving on with his day.

He walked down the hall and into the living room. I moved my hands between my legs and held myself for a moment. Eventually I rolled over and got on my hands and knees. I tried to crawl again as I sobbed. I noticed he'd froze in the living room. I realized he'd discovered what I'd done to his camera, he drop to the floor and took hold of if, then he he turned, looking back to me.

I couldn't see his expression, he was too far away but I felt him come as his feet pounded the floor. I tried to pull back but he charged me, he began beating me. At one point he grasped the side of my arms and shook me before slapping me across the face. I tried to scratch him to pull away. He grabbed the handle on the back or my corset and lifted me up. He dragged me through the house and out the front door, he dropped me on the porch with the trash. I tried to get up and he kicked me to lay down, when I had.

He signed. "There is no helping you, you're no better then an animal. You're trash" He stomped on the porch then went back into the cabin and slammed the door.

I pulled myself away from the trash bags and looked around. I couldn't leave I could barely walk and I was still in this fucking sex suit. I also had no idea where we really were. I'd fallen asleep on the drive over. For several minutes I just sat there holding myself. Everything was like some awful nightmare ever since I put on this suit. I ran my hands over myself and saw another places where he'd bit me. He was the fucking animal.

I wasn't sure how I was going to get home but eventually I tried to leave the porch. He must have been watching because he came after me as soon as one of my heels got down the steps. He roughly grabbed me he lifted me up and over his shoulder. I thought he'd take me back inside but he opened the trunk of his car. He threw me in and slammed it shut. In the darkness I felt vibrations as he banged on the car….

I was so scared...it was like he'd gone fucking mental. I worried he was going to kill me! I sobbed and banged on the inside of the trunk. I waited for response. Things were so still and I thought he'd left me in here to die but a moment later he opened the trunk he took me inside and he threw me across the hard wood floor and then signed. "What had I done to his camera! What had I don't to his camera!"

I signed again, "What had he done to me!"

He gave me a mocking grin and said. "Whatever I want. I own you,"

"No you don't," I moved my hands around angrily, "No you don't. You have no right to do that to me. You have no right to touch me when I was unconscious. I didn't give permission and the things you did to me were wrong." They flashed through my head and I thought I was going to be sick, especially since I could feel it all.

He signed, "Since when do you care what happens to you, you're a masochist."

I signed, "No! No! Just because I like some things doesn't meant I accept everything, you violated me. You violated my trust."My hands shook I was so upset, "You put that chair leg in me! You pissed in my mouth. What the fuck is wrong with you"

He looked at me for a moment then vindictively signed "You were gaping you needed something to feel your void and I didn't piss in your mouth I pissed down your throat," I shook my head as he slowly signed "And that's not all I did," he smiled like he was proud of himself. It scared me to think what else he might have done while I was unconscious and vulnerable. I could never trust him not every again...It was undeniable this...this was my fucking BREAKING POINT!

He gave me another mocking grin like he thought this was funny. I read his lips "You're gonna buy me a new camera,"

"No," I signed, "Take me home, now. This is over. I'm done."

He ignored me and signed again "You're gonna buy me a new camera," then added. "And make this up to me,"

He wasn't hearing me. I flicked him off, fuck him and his fucking camera. He stared at my middle finger for a second and then reached out, snatched my it before I could pull it surged with pain. I jerked back, thinking he broke it.

We both knew he'd gone too yet again as pain surged through my hand. He looked at me as I began sobbing uncontrollably. He put his hands up apologizing. He cocky attitudes wiped away. He signed he was just mad, I could make him so mad sometimes" I just kept crying this wasn't my fault I wasn't going to let him convince me it was. I stopped reading his signs and he ran around the house running his fingers through his hair. He opened his mouth wide a lot. I looked at my finger trying to fix it. My fingers were my words and he...he'd broken my words.

He came back after a second with my clothes, he threw them at me and said he'd take me to the hospital but I needed to calm down. He released my head from the sex suit. I didn't want to calm down I didn't want to go anywhere with him. I shook my head. He slapped me hard and then apologized for it I was scared of him. He kept getting so angry. When he saw I was scared he started punch and throwing things, he began opening his mouth over and over again. I barely caught a curse word.

He got his phone and called someone. He ran the cord around the house talking to them for some time. After he hung up he got dressed then sat down on the couch and waited. I stopped crying by then but it still hurt so bad. I hated him. I hated him so much.

After a few hours he suddenly got up and got the door. I realized he'd called someone, it was a man with glasses. He looked at the state of the cabin then looked at me. They spoke to each other and Mr Jaids gestured to me. The man came over. His face was sour, he signed for me to give him my hand.

I signed to the man, "Help! Help! He's crazy."

They both just looked at me. Mr. Jaids signed, "Do you want you finger fixed or not you dirty bitch, he is a doctor."

I looked at the doctor, he nodded to me. Again I signed, "Help I want to go home," It hurt when I moved my hands I kept wanting to use the finger but I was scare, desperate to get out of here.

Neither responded after a minute Mr. Jaids waved me off and got himself and the other man a beer from the fridge. Mr Jaids sat down on the couch and the doctor sat in a chair across from him. I read their lips. The doctor said, "So this is what you needed my cabin for?"

This was his cabin!

"Yeah," said Mr. Jaids before sipping the beer.

"You told me you needed to work on a special project." said the doctor.

Mr. Jaids just smiled and shrugged. The doctor adjusted his glasses. He moved his beer but didn't drink it "Are you off you're meds again, Carter"

Mr. Jaids didn't like that his face got sour. I wondered what meds he was talking about."No," he said

The doctor gesture towards me "Is this the same girl that set you off last semester"

"Might be" he said.

"You swore you were done with all that. You had me clean up. Do you need me to clean up again?" He turned to me and I looked at the ground.

They hid their lips after that eventually Mr. Jaids came over and signed, "Are you done having a fit." I nodded "Then let my brother-in-law fix it,"

I realized it was his wife's bother. Did his wife know about us? The doctor came over, I gave my hand to him. He examined it carefully, then took things out of a leather bag. He gave me a shot then we waited. When the pain in my hand lessened. He adjusted my finger back into place, then wrapped it in a splint. I read his lips "He said it wasn't as bad as Carter thought, it was just a dislocation"

Mr Jaids nodded and thanked him. I signed, "Please take me home." But the man just left me there with him," When it was just me and Mr. Jaids again, he hit the back of my had and loomed over me signing "Don't ever embarrass me like that again. Stop acting like you're my fucking victim."

He stormed off. I couldn't believe I still had to stay here another day. I swore I'd stay away from him after this. Maybe if I felt better later I could try to walk home but I doubted it. I put my clothes on over the sex suit. It was hard to move, so many things hurt.

After a while I got hungry. I went to the fridge to get some food and I noticed some things left out from last night when he was cooking. I wondered if anything had spoiled. I looked around and saw some medicine that had been crushed up on a cutting board. Was this his medicine. I looked at it and didn't think so. I put some bread away and threw out some cheese that had been left out over night. I felt thirsty I poured myself some juice it tasted different I vaguely recalled how it had tasted from yesterday. He'd fed me...he hadn't eaten or drank anything...had...he...drugged me.

The thought was unsettling. He...no..no… I didn't know how you could tell if you'd been drugged. I'd never been drugged. I went to him, he was taking a shower, he signed to me...want to join me. I ignored him and signed did you drug me. He paused but didn't answer he went back to showering. I came at him now and pushed him in the shower.. He almost slipped he got mad but I demanded an answer. "Did you drug me,"

"No," he signed angrily. but I didn't believe him I stormed out of the room.

I looked for my glass from last night…I found it I smelled it but. I couldn't tell. In the end it didn't matter whether he had drugged me or not he'd still violated me while I was asleep. No matter what he said...no matter what I told myself it wasn't right...I wanted out of this relationship. I wanted out of this suit. I found some scissors on the counter and I pulled off my clothes until I was just in the suit. I began cutting it off me. Each piece I removed I felt freer and freer...I felt when I cut him out of my life I was going to feel the same. It was hard getting the corset off but I managed to get every single piece off.

He came out of the shower in nothing but towel and saw what I had done while I was putting my normal cloths on. He looked at the pieces horrified. I smiled at him, I knew I shouldn't have but I wanted him to see what I'd done to, see it was over. I was no longer his cunt.

He got mad again, he came at me but I grabbed the scissors. I held them up, threatening him if he came any closer. He backed up then looked around the kitchen. He rushed to the knife wrack and pulled out a big cutting knife.

Seriously, I realized things had accelerated rather quickly. He began yelling I read his lips "COME ON THEN! COME ON THEN!"

Did he want me to fight him, hurt him….knowing him I'd probably be the one that got hurt. I took a step back all of this was just insane. I put the scissors down and signed "We need to stop,"

"No," He switched the knife to his other hand.,

"You're sick," I signed

He smiled then I read his lips as he said "Not as sick as you,"

I shook my head "We're over."

"Right…" He said. "You owe me,"

"No," I signed, "I don't owe you and you don't own me."

"You'll end up on the streets," he said.

It struck me that it always came back to that...that without him and his fucking class, I'd end up on the streets. But he didn't know that. He didn't know what I was capable of...even I didn't. My heart was so messed up when I met him...I was just drifting along and now I felt my head was a mess as well. I let him have control it had been easier to have someone else just tell me what to do but today I saw..what he'd did when he was in complete control with that damn camera. He didn't love me, I didn't love him. I had cared about him but it was clear he didn't care about me...You DIDN'T do those things to someone you cared about.

I looked at him really looked at him. He was constantly manipulating me, black mailing me and threatening me to get what he wanted. It was easier to just give in but I...I didn't want easier any more. I was done being "stupid" as mother would say. I looked at him as he gave me a big smile, thinking he had me… but not anymore.

I knew with my finger hurt that my words had probably been coming out wrong but this... I needed him to see to understand "I would... rather…. be…. on... the... streets... then... spend… another… second... with…you,"

He got it. I thought he'd be mad but for a moment he looked almost scared. A wave of expressions crossed his face, he looked scared then crushed, then sad, angry and finally annoyed. I had no idea what was going through his head right now. I didn't want to know. This whatever.. THIS had ended up being had run it's course.

I turned to walk away, I needed to find a way to get home on my own. It was weird...how calm I suddenly felt...How sure of myself. I hoped this voice this clarity would last. He stomped his foot on the floor to get my attention. I ignored him cause I could. I didn't have to listen to him anymore. I didn't have to give into HIS fits. He held no power over me. I looked for my shirt. It was on the floor I went for it but he stepped on it blocking me. When I finally looked at him, his lips quivered with emotions as he spoke.

"NO! You don't get to tear my entire world up and just walk away. I cheated on my wife for you. I risked my career and reputation for you. I got a fucking vasectomy. You don't get to decide when were over. I decide when were over and were never going to be over because I own you! You are mine. I knew it from the first moment I saw you." I stared at him, I couldn't believe what I was reading, did he say he a got vasectomy for me, he'd said it was before me and he knew he owned me from the first moment he saw me, it was undeniable he was beyond crazy, he went on. "I know now, why I learned sign language. Why I took that shit job all of it. All of it" he said shaking the knife. "Was so I could meet you. SO I could find you," His eyes shifted "And now that I have, I'd sooner kill you then let you go"

I furrowed my brow...did he seriously just threaten to kill me. I blinked thinking I'd misread his lips. I stepped back and he raised the he knife pointing it at me. "Not another step." He dropped the towel from around his waste. I could see he was excited again. How could he be hard at a time like this! "Kiss it" he insisted "I want you to get down and kiss it… you're going to apologize and then we're going to go into the bedroom and you're going to take what I give you and then...I'll decide if you can live"

He'd decide if I could live! HE'D DECIDE IF I COULD LIVE! Who did he think he was? This was just another one of his threats. I wasn't backing down, I didn't think about it I just flipped him off with the middle finger on my other hand. He looked like I'd slapped him. After he got over the initial shock that I would dare flip him off again. He lost it even more if it was possible. I could see it in his eyes. His mouth got really big. "FUCK ME! FUCK YOU! I'M GOING TO CUT IT OFF!"

I realized I'd fucked up then. I tried to back up too quick and fell to the floor. I scooted myself back and tried to crab walk away as he stormed toward me with the knife. I knew he wasn't going to stop until he cut my middle finger off and then he suddenly froze in place, his eyes got wide. Something had caught his attention.

I turned and saw the front door was open it was the doctor. He'd never left. His mouth was wide, he was pointing at Carter. He said words I couldn't make out from where I was on the floor, then crossed his arms. I looked at Carter he suddenly looked sick. He looked at me then the knife. He must have realized what he was doing, he fell to his knees.

The doctor came up behind me without warning and grabbed me from the floor. He carried me out of the cabin as Carter began rocking and stabbing the knife into the floor. The man took me to his car. He put me in his back seat and signed. "Wait," before he shut the door. He stormed back into the cabin. Several long minutes passed I couldn't think I just stared at the cabin. When the doctor came back he was alone and had my shirt and bag. He opened my door threw my stuff at me. Then without a word he got in the drivers seat started the car and drove me back to the city. I was still shocked at what had happened. I put my shirt back on and just sat there, replaying it in my head.

The doctor parked in an empty lot outside a store that was closed. He got out and came to sit with me in the back. I wondered what he wanted. He sat for a moment then turned to me and signed. "That Carter wasn't well, he was struggling with mental illness and sex addiction. If I saw Carter from this day forth to call this number," he gave me a card and signed "Immediately."

I signed to him "What mental illness?"

He didn't respond.

I signed "Carter was my teacher, what about my class, if I didn't pass, I couldn't take my high school equivalency test,"

The man looked at me disturbed and quickly signed asking "How old are you. "

I signed, "Eighteen, almost nineteen"

He still seemed unsettled by my age but opened his wallet and gave me a thousand dollars in hundred dollar bills. I'd never seen so much money at once and to be holding it. He signed "Take this, tell no one about this. You'll pass your class, just stay away from him."

I nodded and gave my address but he just signed for me to get out. I got my bag and started to leave but before I did I signed, "Thank you,"

He didn't respond he just sat there, deep in thought. Long after I walked away from the car he was still sitting in the back seat. I used some of his money to get myself home. By the time I did I was tired and sore. I grabbed a quick bite to eat and slept the rest of the weekend. My family didn't even notice I'd come back early. My mom asked about job conference in a note. I wrote it went well. She seemed happy with that, she didn't even noticed my broken my finger.

The next day I went to a clinic with the money the doctor, gave me, they checked me out. They had questions but didn't push me when I didn't answer. They gave me some medicine and I rested. I kept struggling with the images I'd but the pain faded after a few days. I put everything that Mr. Jaids had gotten me in a box and shoved it into the back of my closet. I was done with his rule...I was done with his things...I was done with everything having to do with him.

I didn't go to class that week kept expecting to get a call, a letter or to see him at the house but nothing happened. Everyday I left the house when I was suppose to. I mostly walked around and went to the library to looked up when I could take my splint off my finger. I also went to the store andI bought myself some underwear. When I got home I finally sat down and tried to process everything that had happened between Carter and me. This whole time he was struggling with mental illness and sex addiction and had said nothing.

I saw our interactions differently now, I replayed what had happened at the cabin. Given how pissed off he was he probably would have cut my finger off. Fuck he might have killed me. I realized his brother in law had saved my life. It was insane when I really thought about it, how fast someone could just. I felt bad about everything that had happened now. Like Ian, Carter became another thing I didn't want to think about. I tried to just focus on the future and

By the second week, I started trying to learn my way around the city and where I might live if the doctor had been lying. I knew my family would kick me out if I didn't pass that class again. Oddly I wasn't too worried about it I figure I'd figure it out. At least now I could...I had my whole life ahead of me. Week after week passed by eventually my finger got better and I thought every reminder of that "relationship" who soon be in the past.

Then one day few months later, after the semester had finally ended, I got home and learned a letter arrived for me, from the school. My mother opened it and I read her lips as she said I had passed. She showed me the letter, I read it to see if Carter had said anything else but he hadn't. It was simply a standard form letter, informing me I had passed the class and the date of my high school equivalency test a month from now. Carters signature was at the bottom but even it was just a copy. I couldn't help but be relieved. Good...let things be over.

My mom was happy for a few days after the letter had arrived. She even signed "Good job" to me. It was nice not having to pretend to leave everyday. I spent the next few weeks studying hard for my test...especially since I'd been so distracted in my prep course. Of course that was what you got when you had an affair with you teacher. I cringed when I thought of everything I did and HE did to me.

Sometimes I'd undress in the mirror and look at myself, all of me my face my shoulders my breasts my stomach my hips tights and legs. I wanted to see all of me accept all of me for more then just my sex. I wanted to find myself again...if...I had ever really found myself before. I was happy when everything from the past had faded but some of the bite marks had remained and it itched and hurt when my pubic hair started growing back. I used some of the money to get my own waxing strips and continued to keep it clean. Over all I liked how it looked.

The first time I masturbated my myself, I tried not to use any toys. I only used my hands and imaginations. Things quickly got dark...I realized even thought Carter and I were threw I still enjoyed dirty thoughts...dirty talks…I tried slapping and spanking myself to see what I enjoyed...of course I had to wait till everyone was out of the house. I tried to make myself cum and I did but it was never like the way made me. It was another thing I'd have to figure out.

After a while, I stopped messing around and hit the books. I noticed my room was a little chilly and looked to see the window was open. I thought it was odd since it never opened very far I didn't use it, It took some force but I got it to close. I looked out the window and thought I saw something but when I looked again it was just the wind. I brushed it off and went back to my bed to studying. Every day I reviewed each section of the test. I really hoped I'd pass so I could move on to the next phase of my life. It almost felt like everything was on hold until this stupid test was over.

/

On the day of my test, I got up early, it was being held over four days at a college campus I'd never been to and didn't want to be late. I caught an early bus and then walked around campus trying to find where the test sign is was. I found a flier with a map and began making my way there. As I made my way through a large court yard in the I saw Ian. He was talking with someone.

I just stood there for a moment staring at him. What was he doing here? Did he go to this college or like me was he here for his high school equivalency test. It was just so strange seeing him out and about. Then it was strange that it was strange. I used to see him every day but now it had been so many months.

He suddenly stopped talking and turned in my direction as if he could sense I was here. He glanced over and then did a double take. Our eyes met from across the court yard, everything that had happened with him felt a million miles away now...almost like another world or life even.

He turned his head as someone wave to him in the distance and their mouth went big. They were probably shouting to him. He looked back at them and I took this moment to quickly run away. I knew it was cowardly to run. I was an adult I didn't need to, I could walk away or even pass by with a familiar nod but yeah...I felt too wound up.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I got in line for the sign in. There were so many people they had like a dozen lines. I saw a woman signing at one of the desks and chose to stand in that line. I waited in one hoping I wouldn't run into Ian again. I needed him to be the last thing on my mind today, I couldn't afford to fail this test, not after everything it took to get here.

When I got up to the sign in, I signed my name and then paid the sixty dollars it took to take the test. I used some of the money that doctor guy had given me. I as glad I had it because mom and Marty hadn't given me any. I was given a sheet of paper that had my complete test schedule on it. It showed me which days for which subjects and my room number. They gave me a name badge with and a star on it to showing I had paid.

I got out of line and looked over the paper. Today was language skills in the morning and math in the afternoon, I was pretty sure I could pass the first one but math was never my strong suit. I made my way to my fist room and checked in with a woman that sat behind a large desk. She checked my badge and found my name on her list. She gave me a blank answer sheet and showed me my seat number and potion on a map she had. I read her lips as she informed me they hadn't found the pencils yet but someone would get me one before the test started.

I nodded to her and made my way to my seat number. The room was pretty big maybe two to three hundred desks. There were some people already here and it was slowly filling up. I took a look sat the answer sheet seeing there was three hundred multiple choice answers. You didn't know what the questions were until you got the booklet.

I felt my desk vibrate and saw someone had stepped up to it. They were tapping it with a pencil. I looked up realizing they must have found them- OH SHIT IT WAS MR. JAIDS! He looked down at me expressionlessly and handed me a pencil. I took it, my surprise clearly written all over my face. I was told to stay away from him, to call a number if I saw him immediately. I didn't have the card on me today. I didn't think he would be here. It was a different campus...he shouldn't be here.

He moved onto the next desk without so much as a second glance. I watched as he went about handing pencils to people who were already seated. When everyone in the room had a pencil he put the rest in a cup on a desk. Then he stood against the wall, crossed his arms and closed his eyes. Was he staying? Why was he here?

I kept staring at him swallowing, my throat soon became dry. How was I going to get through this test, I needed this test. I kept expecting him to open his eyes and look at me but he didn't. Suddenly someone blocked my view of him. I looked up and nearly fell out of my chair, it was Ian.

FUCK MY LUCK TODAY! I realized he was here for the test, he must also be in this room today. He politely waved to me but didn't make eye contact, he slowly signed asking if we could talk after the test. I sat there recalling the last words I'd heard him say. I didn't know if I wanted to talk...I'd tried everything to just move on from-

Ian shifted his weight as he waited for me to respond. I could see Mr. Jaids and he was staring at us, worse he was coming over. I nervously signed, yes to Ian, hoping he'd quickly go away but he didn't move, he gave me a weak smile and responded, "Okay,

Suddenly Mr. Jaids was upon us. He said something to make Ian turn. A moment later Ian handed his test badge to Mr. Jaids. Was he just checking to see if he'd signed in? I didn't think it could be something so innocent not with Mr. Jaids. He looked at the badge for a moment and then gestured for Ian to follow.

Ian looked back at me giving me another weak smile. I just sat there feeling sick. I never in a million years wanted these two to meet. Yet here they were...worlds colliding on the most important day in my adult life so far. I watched them talk for a moment, Ian got his test sheet and pencil before Mr. Jaids, personally showed him a desk on the other side of the room. I might as well just walk out right now because there was no way I was gonna pass this test.

The room finished filling up and soon it was time for the test. Mr. Jaids and several other people went about handing out booklet. Mr. Jaids again ignored me as he handed me my booklet. He treated me like I was just anybody else. That was fine! I could deal with being anyone else this week. Once the booklets were passed out, I tried to focus as the woman at the desk stood and began speaking. Mr. Jaids did her sign language.

"This test will be three hours long and test your basic language skills. Various volunteers will be monitoring you through out the test to make sure you are not cheating. If you have a question raise your hand and someone will assist you. At no point in time can you leave the room and come back in, once the test has started. Leaving even to go to the bathroom will make your test invalid. If you manage to finish before time is up, then fold your answer sheet and pencil in your booklet and sit quietly. Do not take your pencil with you. Everything will be collected at the end. Only when your test has been collected may you leave. Now please open you booklets and fill out your name on the answer seet as instructed by the first page of your booklet. I will give you three minutes do not turn past the first page. When I write the time on the marker board the test will begin. Please fill out your names."

I carefully filled out my name, date of birth and my id number. I kept an eye on the board when she wrote the number on the board. Mr. Jaids signaled the test had begun. I opened the booklet and tried to focus. Question one okay, I got this, questions two, I know this, question twelve, I kept going, a shadow washed over my desk and I froze. I looked to see Mr. Jaids, he loomed next to my desk but didn't look at me. He simply looked down at my sheet without expression and moved on to the next desk. Great he was going to be doing that the whole time. I felt like he was a fucking shark.

What was I doing! Who cares what he was doing, I needed to focus. Three hundred questions in only three hours didn't leave a lot of time. I moved to the next questions and the next. I had no idea how long three hours could be stretched out but it felt like forever.

I kept moved through each question reading them and answering them, sometimes I had to read things twice, at first I looked up trying to see where he was but after the first hour, I got into the groove so much that I made it to like two hundred and twenty seven questions. Suddenly Mr Jaids knocked on my desk.

I looked up he signed test done. He didn't wait for me to respond, he moved onto the next desk and knocked signing test done. I realized the people in my section were all deaf. He was probably here because he could do sign language so well. I knew from personal experiences there weren't enough teachers that did. For a moment I debated being a teachers…I could translate...maybe I could even teach. It was a possibility I liked helping my younger siblings with their home work, when I could. I put my answer sheet in my booklet and someone came around collecting them.

When I was done I was looking forward to stretch my legs and getting a two hour break before the next test. I walked out into the hall thinking I'd seen a sign for a cafeteria somewhere around here. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned realizing it was Ian. Fuck, I'd forgotten with all the testing and Mr. Jaids. He wanted to talk...I'd said yes but why now...why today of all days. I look at him sadly, he finally lost the fake smile. Before he said anything someone came up and put an arm around him. I read his lips, he asked how Ian was doing, if it was too much pressure. Ian said he was fine and he'd meet up with him later.

The guy looked at me realizing we were having a conversation and said who is this. I signed my name, he looked at me weird. Ian told him what my name was. The young man laughed, "Song seriously and you're deaf damn that," Ian elbowed him in the ribs. "Cool," Ian's friend wheezed out, "Very cool," He tried to shake my hand, I didn't shake it back I wasn't feeling too friendly. I simply turned to Ian and signed what did you want.

His friend spoke, I turned to see him say, "Wait...this is Song!" He seemed surprised.

Ian turned to him and quickly pulled his friend to the side. I read his lips as he said "Go ahead I'll...I'll catch up"

His friend looked at me again, shrugged and left. Ian turned to me and gestured for me to go with him. We went down a hall and took a door that led outside. There was a little park area and he gestured for me to take a seat on the bench but I didn't feel like sitting. I knew this wasn't going to take long.

"How ...are you?" he signed slowly.

"What do you want?" I signed again, it was pointless to be polite.

"Where is your," he gestured to his ears. He must have meant my implants. I looked at him realizing he didn't know what I had done. I didn't feel like telling him. "Can we just get this over with," I signed.

He stared at me for a moment then slowly signed "I wanted to say hi," he signed, "How are you"

"Great," I signed, "Hi, fine"

"I know we," he paused, "left off kind of bad, I'm sorry" he signed slowly.

He was apologizing to me. My chest felt like it was gonna cave in. His phone rang, it was probably his mom wanting to know how his test went. He hung it up waiting for me to respond.

"Okay, I'm sorry too" I said trying not to cry in front of him. His phone rang again. "You should get that?" I signed. Then I turned without another word and walked off. As I was walking I spotted Mr. Jaids, he was staring under a tree staring at us from a distance...that wasn't creepy at all.

He was probably reading our conversation. It was the one thing that sucked about sign language if people knew how to read it, you couldn't have a private conversation, then again, I suppose hearing people could be overheard. I had overheard a few conversations from the short time I had hearing...I remember listening on my mom talk to Marty. It was the same night Ian and I shared our first kiss.

I didn't want to think about that, I didn't want to think about anything but the test. I walked around the campus looking for...the food court. I found it and got myself stuff to go. It was such a nice day I decided I wanted to eat outside, especially when I saw Ian's friend was in the cafeteria. Ian would no doubt catch up to him soon. His friend noticed me talk to some other friends he was with and waved to me. Then he froze he seemed to think I wouldn't understand, a girl he was with elbowed him and shook her head before she politely waved to me. I waved back.

I rolled my eyes and paid for my food. Then I went for a small walk. I tried to find a table or a bench but most of them were taken. I guess everyone got lunch at the same time. I wandered into a building and found empty stair well. I sat against the wall at the top of the stairs and slowly began to eat lunch.

I got a bag of chips, a cookie and a sandwich that was not what I expected but still pretty good. I also got a carton of choclate milk. I ate slowly trying not to think. I just wanted to relax until the next test but after a few minutes Mr. Jaids appeared at the bottom of the stairs. I was hoping he'd just pass by but he stood there with his hands in his pockets glaring up at me. After a few second he signed "So that loser is your ex,"

"Can we not," I signed. I felt very comfortable "I'm not suppose to talk to you."

"Who says," he signed, "Who've you been talking to about us"

"No one," I signed back "Your brother in law told me to stay away from you to call him even if I saw you. He told me about you,"

"What did he say," he stepping on the first step.

"Nothing, go away, please" I said getting scared he drew closer. I looked around knowing I was alone up here.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said looking offended. "Now what did he say,"

"He said you're struggling with mental health and sex addiction,"

He laughed shaking his head as if he found that was funny, "I'm not," he signed, "He just gets jealous,"

"What?" I signed

"He likes me," he signed.

"Oh," I signed but, "But your his sister's husband,"

"So," he signed drawing up another step, "Anyway that's bullshit, I'm not sick and I'm not addicted to sex."

"You still did a lot of crazy things," I signed.

"Me," he signed, "You broke my new camera,"

I didn't want to get into this again, I grabbed my purse, took out my wallet and grabbed five of one hundreds bills and threw it at him. I didn't know if it would cover it but I figured he'd back off. He saw them fall and stepped forward picked them up. He counted them and got but didn't looked happy, if anything he looked pissed. He clenched he money in his hands then feverishly signed, "How did you get this money,"

"It's none of your business," I signed.

"Are you whoring yourself out," he demanded.

Seriously. I couldn't believe him. "No," I signed standing up on the stairs "You brother in law gave me money when he asked me to stay away from you,"

He shifted his gaze, "How much did he give you" he signed.

"A thousand," I signed, Without warning, he up the stairs at me. he grabbing my wallet and tossed me aside, I had the chocolate milk in my hands and it spilt all over me. I watched him tear opened my wallet and take out everything all the money, my ID and cards for the grocery store and finally my bus pass. He threw it to the ground but pocketed the mine and turned to me, "Where is the rest of it it's not all here "

Seriously, I signed "I spent it, I had to take a cab home that day , I got food a couple of days I paid for my test and a bus pass and my lunch today,"

He suddenly eerily calmed down. He adjusted his shirt, and sleeves, adjusted the wrinkles in his pants and made sure his hair was in place before he casually signed "Are you back with your ex?"

"No," I signed, "I just ran into him today. I haven't been with anyone since you"

He closed his eyes for a moment, smiled slightly and then looked at me and signed "Stay away from him, or I'll fail him."

"What," I signed, "Don't do that,"

He turned away from me and I chased him. I grasped hold of his arm and he turned. He violently shoved me to the ground, then signed, "Don't touch me filth,"

He turned and then hurried down the stairs. I laid on the ground for a second all my stuff scattered about. I tried not to cry. I put everything back in my wallet then cleaned up the mess, then found a bathroom to clean my shirt off in. It was wet and stained, it looked awful. I wished I'd brought a jacket to wear. I looked at myself in the mirror thinking of what Mr. Jaids had said. If he saw me with Ian he'd fail him. I couldn't catch a fucking break. Now more then ever I had to stay away from Ian not just or my sake but his.

The math test came and I made sure to be one of the last ones inside so I'd miss Ian all together. I hated math and knew I needed to focus. Mr. Jaids was there again he acted like nothing had happened. I checked in got my seat number, sheet and pencil. I went to my desk and tried to focus on my test. I made sure as soon as they got my booklet to get out od the class room and run to my bus. I made it all the way without stopping or running into Ian. I collapsed after that thinking I had three more days of this sit, I was so fucked.

The next day I packed a lunch I need to make sure there was no possibility of running into him or Mr. Jaids. The morning was science and the afternoon reading. I waited until the last minute checked in and took my science test. Mr. Jaids was there yet again, I felt like he passed my desk more then all the others but I might be all the stress.

When it was time to turn in I was the first one out the door this time. I hid in a ladies room on one of the top floors. I ate my packed lunch and waited five minutes before the test and low and behold Ian was standing outside. When he saw me he waved and signed, "Are you avoiding me." I just ran and hid. With a minute less to spare, I checked the hall to see he was gone. I dashed inside just in time to check in and take my seat. As Mr. Jaids didn't so much as give me a glance. I hoped he noticed my efforts to stay away from Ian.

When he handed out the booklet he didn't look at me but thought me like I was anyone else so that was a good sign right. I hoped our little meeting in the hall would be our last. Reading turned out to be more involved then I thought. It took up a lot of brain space with mind benders, by the time I was done I was tired. I forgot to dash out but Ian left without bothering me so I guess he got the-

Someone came up to my desk it was that boy from before. Ian's friend he waved at me and handed me a folded up note. I knew who it was from immediately Ian and I used to pass notes back and forth all the time. He'd always fold them in a specific way. I froze unsure if I could take it Mr Jaids said to stay away from him or he'd fail him. He didn't say I couldn't take notes from him but I think the idea was to have no contact. Before I could make a decision about the note. The guy suddenly jumped, I noticed several people looking over at us as they were leaving and then Mr. Jaids and another teacher rushed over to us. Mr Jaids pointed at the note in Ian's friends had. I read his lips as he demanded. "Hand that over immediately,"

"Wow, wow," I read Ian's friends lip. "A friend just asked me to pass it on,"

"We do not tolerate cheating of any kind," said the moderator of the test.
"It's not cheating," said the guy he offered the note to them.

Mr. Jaids snatched it up and quickly unfolded it. Great! I watched his eyes read it before handing it to another, "This is your only warning you try and pass anything to anyone and I will have you disqualified."

The moderator also nodded. Then Mr. Jaids turned to me and signed, "Get up,"

I got up. He signed as he spoke that this was a warning to me, I was not to be passing notes. I felt like it had double meaning for me...he was making it clear...no contact. I nodded and signed I understood. He stormed off taking the note with him. I struggled not get upset. I looked to the ground and then gathered myself. When I looked to the door Ian was standing there staring at me. His friend shook his head and shrugged saying something. Ian looked at me and pleaded with my eyes I could tell he wanted to talk to me.

Suddenly he turned and I saw Mr. Jaids pointing. Ian and his friend left. Mr. Jaids turned back to me and signed, "Other door, and he pointed to another exit to the room. I did what he wanted...it wasn't just me now. It was Ian...He was threatening Ian. I went through the door and he followed me but he soon walked by me without a word. I went home and collapsed on my bed until dinner and then studied late into the night.

Day three of the test went by smoothly, if you could call doing the essay portion of the test smooth. We each had to answer a series of questions to are best ability. It was grueling six hours, three hours morning and three hours evening. The final tests was Life Skills. This part had been added a few years back. It was mostly common sense and safety. They wanted to make sure everyone knew the basic life skills like do not put a knife in the toaster. How to read a bank statement, how to pay a bill. If someone offers to lend you money is that legal. If you see a wallet on the street do you turned it in. They also had a few demographic surveys. What was your reason for needing to take this test. How old are you. What is your house hold imcome.

I considered skipping studying when I got home but I was so tried of everything. This next test was silly but some of these could be tricky. If the light is red for cars and they allow turning right on a red light and the cross walk light is green who goes first the car turning right on red or the person crossing the street.

After a while my brain felt mushy, I laid on my bed, hoping I'd pass if not I'd have to take this test again. I really just wanted to take it...and get out of here...I got a post card from my dad's girlfriend once. Maybe if I could get enough money I could go visit her and the twins. It would be nice to see what happened with them. It would be just nice to get away from all this.

Tomorrow was my last test after that I should have no reason to see Mr. Jaids, I hope it would the last time I saw him. For a moment I thought about Ian...I wonder if it would be the last time I also saw him. This whole time I hadn't seen him once. The city was big but it wasn't that big...I assumed he wanted nothing to do with me but now all of a sudden he wanted to talk...why...why. I closed my eyes thinking about it and drifted off to sleep

The next morning I got up early and went about my morning routine. When it was time I left the house and walked to the bus stop. I liked to get to the campus at least two hours early, I like to have plenty of time to get to the test in case something happened. There was no one else at the bus stop. I sat at the bench and a few minutes later a car pulled up. Ian got out and waved the driver off.

He came over and sat down next to me.

"What are you doing here?" I signed panicked.

"Riding bus,"he signed. He sat down next to me.

"Bullshit." I signed

"Are you avoiding me?" he slowly signed

"Excuse me for just doing as you asked?" I signed.

He scratched his eyebrow, I used to think that was so cute. He was still so cute...I still...the feelings for him were still there. I hated feeling anything for him. I thought I had gotten passed it.

"We were friends once-" he slowly signed

"Once, once we were more" I interrupted standing up. It hurt talking to him. I wanted to so badly but I couldn't...neither of us could afford it "Please just leave me alone, you can't talk to me I can't talk to you,"

"Why," he signed giving me a weird look.

"My mom," I signed, "Doesn't like it,"

He paused then slowly signed "Your mom doesn't know my name."

I shook my head, he was right thought we had been friends for like ever she still called him seizure boy or that boy who has seizures. She probably would have still been calling him that if he was in my life.

"We're not friends anymore," I signed.

"I know," he slowly signed he looked sad.

"I can't. I can't be seen with you." I signed, "Please just stay away from me until after the test is over for your own good."

Again he gave me a weird look, "What's wrong Song?"

Seriously what wasn't he getting. He looked at me and then asked, "Where are your," he paused and then moved his hands around ears. He waited for me to respond.

I needed him to stop this, to leave me alone. If the bus came we'd ride together, Mr. Jaids would see and because he was a psychotic prick, he would fail Ian. He'd lose everything again because of me. I needed to make him go away and stay. I turned to him as I saw the bus was coming. He smiled at me and I signed to him "I signed I no longer have my implants" I gestured to my ears continuing "I ripped them out after you ripped out my heart." I lifted up my hair and showed him my scars from when I cut the implants out. His mouth fell open he looked horrified as I knew he would, "I'm a crazy bitch Ian just stay away from me"

The bus came, I got on it and took a seat. It waited for a moment with the doors open I d hoped he wouldn't get on, when the doors shut and he didn't I knew that had done the trick. The bus drove off and I turned back to look at him. He was still sitting on the bench with that horrified look on his face. After a moment he leaned forward and dropped his head in his hands.

I knew he was upset...I knew he didn't know...I knew he'd think it was his fault but it wasn't... I'd done it to myself. I'd been upset with him, upset with all the noise...I'd done it in a moment of passion but I'd still made the choice and now I was going to have to live with that choice...We all had to live with our choices. Perhaps one day far away from now, when we were both in a better place I could write him a letter and explain why I'd said what I said but for now he needed to keep his distance.

/

When I got school I went to the ladies restroom and cleaned myself up. I'd been crying on the bus. I gave myself a few minutes more to cry it out and then fixed my clothes, hair and makeup. I got to the final testing room and Mr. Jaids was there. He looked at me as I stepped up to the check in desk. I didn't bother looking at him. I got my test sheet, pencil and seat position before I took my seat.

I just wanted to do this test and get this part of my life over with. Everyone started coming in slowly...with nearly only two minutes left before the test, I checked for Ian, I didn't see him. I began to realize he might have taken the next bus. He might have just gone home. What if he'd had a seizure...FUCK. I started to worry then he stepped into the room. I looked at him my heart skipped a beat. I was so happy he'd made it. He looked like a wreck. He just stared off into space as he got his answer sheet and pencil. Then he slowly made his way to his seat.

The test began and as I was filling out my name. I wished there had been an answer for what do you do when the guy you'd been fucking threatens to fail your ex if he caught you together. Of course if I had real life skills I might not have gotten into this situation the first place. I tried to focus on the test.

When lunch came I decided to just stay there and eat. I didn't feel like getting up and wondering around. I saw Ian leave his friend was with him he put his arm around him and walk him out. His friend glanced at me for a second and I guess he knew I'd been the one to upset Ian. Mr. Jaids and the other people gathered up test books and continued to set up for the next test. I saw a few other people had chosen to stay.

I hoped Mr. Jaids would leave, but he sat down at the desk at the front of the room. He didn't eat lunch, he didn't take anything out, he just sat there with his eyes closed. I took out my note pad and doodled while I ate my packed lunch. Eventually it was time to check in.

I hoped another teacher would take the desk but it seemed Mr. Jaids was the moderator for this last test. He checked people in and I had to go up to him to get my new test sheet. He also gave me and a new pencil. I noticed he didn't return my pencil to the cup but kept it in his hand. He showed me my seat and his hand brushed mine. Without thinking I jerked away remembering what he'd called me the last time we touched. He acted like nothing had happened and I took my seat.

When it was time for the test, Mr. Jaids stood up he, giving everyone the rules as he signed and then the last test began. I filled out my answer sheet and began taking the test. About half way in it became surveys. I finished early, I think everyone finished early cause they wanted their dumb survey finished. I put my test sheet and pencil into the booklet and then I sat back. I started off into space until Mr. Jaids appeared taking my test and then moving on to the next test.

It was done...at last it was over. I closed my eyes took a deep breath and then looked for Ian. I wanted to see how he was doing. He was just sitting there waiting for his booklet to be collected...oddly his friend was with him. I thought that was a little weird we weren't suppose to move till our booklets had been collected. Had his book been collected or did he figure it didn't matter on the final test? Really it wasn't any of my business. I started to gather up my things. Mr. Jaid's was putting a stack of booklet on a cart. When he looked up from the car our eyes connected. This was it, the last time I'd seen him. I looked at him sternly and signed, "Goodbye." I hope he could see I meant it.

He looked annoyed, I didn't need him to respond. I turned and slowly walked out of the room. I was in no rush to get home and study now. There was no more prep school...no more testing. If I failed maybe, I'd take the test again or maybe I wouldn't. Maybe I'd just start applying for jobs and see what happened. I bet they needed people who could interpret or maybe I could do something that didn't need to be around people. It might be nice to get some solitude. Someone had to stock the grocery stores, someone sorted packages in the mail and someone had to find the buried treasure Ian used to say. Whatever I did I felt I could figure it out, I just didn't want to go backwards. I only wanted to move forw-

Someone tapped my back, I turned and saw it was Ian's friend. He was by himself he looked like he'd been running. He gave me a serious look and spoke slowly. "Ian… says… you… can… read… lips."

I nodded.

"Please… take… this." He handed me a folded up note.

I paused knowing it was from Ian. I wasn't suppose to have any contact with him but the test was over now. Could Mr. Jaids still fail him?

"Please," Ian's friend said..

I looked around, Mr. Jaids was the moderator for the last test, should be busy for a bit, collecting tests and doing whatever they did with them. Maybe I could read the note real quick and he'd never know. I nodded and took the note. I unfolded wanting to know what it said. I was surprised Ian still wanted to talk to me after what I said this- I looked at the letter and paused. Ian and I used to pass notes all the time growing up, I knew his hand writing almost as much as my own. His was always tiny but neat enough to read. He was a fan of using all capital letters but this note looked like it was from my five year old sister. The letters were huge, they took up most the page. I looked at Ian's friend confused then back at the letter.

Dear Song Hi, How are you.

I didn't understand. What was with this note? I knew Ian's friend couldn't read sign language, but I needed an explanation. I struggled with my bag to get my note book and pen out. I wrote. 'I don't understand what is with this letter?'

He read it and looked at me strangely. He took my pen and notebook and wrote, "Ian wrote it himself,"

Again I didn't get it. 'This isn't Ian's handwriting' I wrote.

He read it and wrote back 'Yes it is. Do you not know about the brain damage?'

I shook my head slolwy. I knew the doctors had talked of the possibility but after he said he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I sort of cut all ties, especially given I had a restraining order against me. The guy threw his head back like it suddenly made sense to him. He ran a hand over his mouth. Then spoke

'Ian...has...brain...damage.'

I looked at the letter Ian had written me and then thought back to our conversations. I'd been in such a rush to get away. It had been painful to see him again so painful that I didn't realize...looking back now I could see it. I sunk to my knees thinking of how slow he had signed. How fast I had signed back. I recalled I used to love him scratching his eye brow but failed to remember he did that when he was confused.

Ian's friend dropped down, "Are… you...okay?"

I wrote in my note book. 'Yes. I knew there was a possibility of brain damage. I just didn't know it was this bad'

"He... has...gotten...loads...better." he said. "I'm… Chad…by… the...way... Ian's… mom… hired… me… to… help… him… get… around."

So Chad wasn't Ian's friend, he was his helper. I wrote down in my note book. "Hi, I'm Song, sorry about being rude earlier. Also you can talk normally as long as I can see your lips and you talk at a normal pace, I should be able to follow."

I showed it to him he read it and said, "Oh really,"

I nodded.

"Sweet," he let his shoulders drop. He seemed relieved. "That is so cool. That is some kind of super power," I smiled, even though Chad was Ian's helper, I could see them getting along. Ian had said something similar to me. Chad took a step back and looked me up and down before he said "So you're the infamous Song,"

'I guess," I wrote.

He nodded and said "He's mentioned you a few times, When he said I love Song, I thought he meant like I love this song as in music, not an actual person."

I paused taking it in Chad's words. Ian had said I love me Song...like as in the present love and not the past loved. I felt my heart quicken. I didn't want to harbor the thought for long. I didn't want to get my hopes up. I wrote, 'We used to be friends, then dated for a while.'

"What happened?" he asked "Where have you been this whole time?"

I paused for a long moment then bit my lip and wrote, "Ian asked me to leave him alone."

Chad read it and scoffed, he shook his head, "He tells me to get lost all the time. You can't take it personal. He's managing a lot, it's easy for him to get frustrated."

I just looked at him. He brushed it off so easily but I knew Ian, when he had said it to me that night he meant it. I wrote 'I think for me he meant it. I don't know if you know but when he had the massive seizure I was with him. Earlier he gave me his coat, with his medicine in it because I was cold but I took it off and left it at his house. He didn't have his medicine when he needed it because of me."

I struggled not to starting to cry but I could feel my eyes getting wet. Chad read my note, then furrowed his brow. "Well that explains a lot."

I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that. I looked at him curious. He looked back at me then suddenly his eyes got big. "Oh! Oh!" he said, he began patting himself down. He pulled out several more folded notes and dropped them down on the ground in front of me. There were five, no six of them. I looked up at him he explained "A few month back he started doing one or two of these a day. His mom tells me to just toss them, I figured it was nothing but since I found out you were like a real person and all, I started to save them. I'm glad I was finally able to deliver them,"

I looked down at them, he wrote one or two notes to me a day. My heart sunk. I opened the first one it was two pages. 'Dear Song I saw you today. You look nice.' I turned to the next page. 'But you look not the same' he crossed out not the same and wrote different in a pen vs a pencil. He must not have been able to recall what the word was at the time. I did look different, I still had my hair extensions and high lights.

I opened the next note Dear Song I am not mad. I am sad. I miss you. This one made my chest ache. I read it again, I put my hand over my mouth and opened another, it was several pages. Dear Song, the man took my note. I want to say much. I am not mad. I was mad but I am sad. I miss you. Please talk to me. Several of my tears fell on the page, I couldn't hold back, I opened another Dear Song I can not sign well but I will try. The next, Dear Song. Are you avoiding me. Then the last it looked much neater, 'Dear Song, I am sorry, I yelled at you. I was mad at everything. Please come back. I love you still."

"Oh, oh oh I was gonna be sick. Here...here this whole time I'd thought he'd hated me. I done so much to forget him, I'd try to bury my feelings in so so many ways and he...he still lov- Chad tapped my shoulder I looked up at him and he beamed down at me. "I help him with some of the larger words, we did that one there last night, see he's not mad, he was at the time but he was mad at everything. It can happen after a massive injury. Like he has to relearn a lot. His brain needs to make new path ways and connections. It can take a lot of time and be very frustrating"

I sniffled, looking at all these notes...All these things he was trying to say to me. I'd been so short with him...I'd tried to push him far away because of Mr. Jaids and my own pain. I gathered the notes up and held them to my chest. He wasn't mad. He wasn't mad anymore. He missed me. He still loved me. HE STILL LOVED ME. I took it all in wanting to- Chad tapped me, I looked up at him again.

"I'm sorry but I don't have much time here, do you have a response."

I quickly scratched out. "I need to see him," Oh I wanted to go to him and explained everything and apologize again and again...forever.

"Probably not the best idea, right now," said Chad scratching his head, "I gather his mom is still mad at you and you mentioned something about a restraining order."

Right...fuck...I couldn't...I wasn't suppose to go near him. If the police had saw us the last few days I could have been arrested. I didn't even think about it. I'd been so worried about Mr. Jaids, Ian and the test. I was still so worried about Ian. I'd said such an awful thing to him this morning, to make him stay away. I needed to set things right. I needed him to know.

I quickly wrote 'Dear Ian. I am so sorry I was short with you. I scratched it out. I didn't know what he could understand. Wait why was he here for the test... if his issues were so sever. I looked up at Chad, wanting to know but there was no time. I needed. I needed to respond and quick I began again. I tried to keep things simple 'Dear Ian. I am sorry. I did not know about your brain. I am sorry. I said mean things today. My ears were not you. It was me. I did it on my own. I miss you too. I paused on the last three words I wanted to write. Did I have the right to write those words after all I had done. I closed my eyes...knowing even after everything that had gone on this whole time I...I still felt my heart bear for him. It was undeniable, Ian was the love of my life and always be...no matter what I did and this...these notes proved I was his love. He even with all that had happened, all that he had going on, he still wanted me in his life. I quickly wrote the words 'I love you.' and signed my name 'Song.' I quickly folded the note and handed it to Chad.

He took it and nodded, "I might not give it to him today, it's been pretty stressful but I'll see the he gets it." I nodded. "Nice meeting you, son"

I nodded back again and just like that he took off. I watched him until I could no longer see him.

I sat there for a long moment, all it took was one man, one conversation to completely flip my world upside down. Ian still loved me...I read his notes again and again and again. I hoped he would get mine.

From there... I had no idea what would happen. His mother clearly still hated me but maybe things could change. I mean he forgave me...or at least he wasn't mad. My head felt like a jumbled up mess as I gathered his precious notes. I wanted to hang them on my walls. I wanted to run my fingers over each and every precious letter, he had written for me...given he was still recovering it can't have been easy.

I put everything in my bag and got up. As I brushed myself off I looked around and saw Mr. Jaids... of course, lurking in the shadows. He was standing in the shade, leaned up against a wall glaring at me. I wondered how long he'd been there, how much he'd seen. Had he stumbled upon us or been intentionally following me, with him I didn't know.

He signed, "Follow" I didn't want to. I wanted to ignore him and go home but I still worried he might fail Ian. I still didn't know what Ian was doing taking the test. Could he still take it in his condition? Mr. Jaids again signed "Follow"

I let out a deep sigh, wiped my eyes and took a few steps towards him. He pulled form the wall and started walking. I followed him making sure to keep my distance. He took me to another building a few feet away. He opened a side door and waited for me to go through it. I didn't want to but he kept gesturing, getting madder and madder. I stepped up to the doorway and he roughly pushed me in the rest of the way. The door let into the bottom of a stair well.

I wondered if I was suppose to go up the stairs but when I turned he'd shut the door and was signing. "What was that about?"

"What do you want?" I signed back.

"What was that about?" He demanded again his hands moving faster, "What were you dong with that guy? What are those papers?"

I clutched my bag, recalling what he had done with it before to get at the money. I didn't want him touching precious notes. He'd already managed to still one away. I held my head up refusing to let him intimate me, I signed, "None of your-"

He slapped me hard across the face before I could finish. I closed my eyes feeling the sharp sting spread across my cheek but I didn't reach for it and I didn't back down. Once again I looked at him and tried to sign "None of your-"

He slapped me again harder. I stumbled a few feet to the side. When I recovered he signed, "I am not messing around Song. What were you doing with the guy and what were those papers?"

I looked at him as he grew annoyed. I tried to think of what my best response should be in this moment. I wasn't going to tell him what just happened, it really was not any of his business but I knew if I tried to sign it was none of his business again, he'd just hit me again. However, if I didn't answer he'd simply try and take my bag. I needed to think strangely, I knew his goals in this conversation but were mine. Considering he'd hit me twice so far I wasn't in the talking mood. No it was best to get away before he-

He moved his hand "Give me the bag," he demanded, deciding I had taken too long to respond.

I nodded, making my decision in that split second, I was getting out of here. I took the bag off but secured my hand in the strap. I stepped up to him quickly like I was going to hand it to him, he reached for the bag but I shot my leg forward hard. He realized I was trying to kick him in the balls, he moved to guard himself and I side stepped. Everything happened in seconds, I lunged then for the door and pushed it open. I felt the son on my face as I managed to get outside but he came after me. I only managed a few steps before he tackled me to the ground. We began to struggle over my bag. I wouldn't let it go. I wouldn't let Ian's precious notes fall into his hands. I clung to it as he tried to tear it away. He kicked me but still I wouldn't let go. I closed my eyes and curled up in a ball around it. He punched me then grabbed my hair and my arm pulling on them both. It hurt but I still clung to my bag. I held onto it for dear life.

He suddenly let go, I expected him to start kicking me, nearly a minute passed and someone gently touched my arm. I opened my eyes it was a girl. I read her lips, "Are you okay?"

I looked around for Mr. Jaids but he was gone, had he'd taken off? I looked back at the girl, she had another girl with her. I read her lips. 'Is she okay, that mother fucker just took off. Should we go after him.'

"No, we should tell security" said the girl next to me. "Are you okay," she asked me again.

I let the girls know I was deaf by signing and pointing to my ears. Neither girls signed back but they understood, "Oh she is deaf." said the girl next to me.

"Fuck what piece of slimy shit tries to steal a deaf girls purse," said the other girl, shaking her head, "You should have let me kick his ass,"

"Right," said her friend "Like the last guy,"

"I would have had him, if you hadn't pull me off."

"He was way bigger then you and you were drunk," her friend insisted. Then she turned to me, "Do you understand me? Can you read my lips"

I nodded, she offered her hand out to me and I took it. I let her help me up and dusted myself off. I quickly tried to fixed my hair.

The farther girl said, "Don't worry, it's still good."

"Do you want us to get someone?" as the girl closer to me asked.

I shook my head, I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Mr. Jaids was a whole fucking mess I just didn't want to get into right now. I wanted to get our of her and go home I signed, 'thank you,' to the girls.

"Oh, Oh, I know that one," said the other girl, 'That is thank you"

"Oh no problem," said the girl next to me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I looked around for Mr. Jaids, again he was nowhere to be seen. Knowing him he was probably long gone by now. These girls had probably run up on him and scared the shit out of him. Good! I hoped he'd think twice. I nodded to the girl and signed thank you again. The girls looked at each other but they still didn't seem at eat. The girl next to me asked "Where are you headed next, can we walk you?"

I nodded I wouldn't mind the company at least until I got out of her. They politely introduced themselves as Judy and Reign. They went to this college and were both drama majors. I thought that was so cool I wished I could have asked them about it but the walk to bus stop wasn't very long. I signed thank you again to both of them and they hoped I had a better rest of my day.

They left and I waited for the next bus to show up. I felt on edge the entire time, I kept expecting to see him lurking about. I don't know what his deal was. I don't know why he kept approached me. It was fucking over, my life was no longer any of his business. I didn't know what to do...if he kept popped up. I'd never been in a situation like this. How did people end things with someone who didn't want to.

When my bus showed up I got on and found an empty seat in the back. Now that I was on the bus, I didn't have to worry about him as much. I could take out Ian's notes and look at them closer. I read all seven of them again and again. They brought me such joy. Oh I hoped Ian would get my note. I hoped it would bring him as much joy as his notes brought me. He wasn't mad at me anymore. He wasn't made at me anymore. I couldn't believe it.

Chad said he was just going through a lot. I wish I had known. I wish I could have been there for him, every step of the way and helped him in his recovery but I hadn't known. I had thought...oh I the things I had thought, I tried not to get into them. My faults, my failures and Mr. Jaids could all take a back seat today because Ian wasn't mad at me any more and he loved me still. I ran my hands over the words. 'Please come back. I love you still.'

I clutched the notes to my chest. I read them each one more time and then safely folded them back up and put them away. When I got home I went inside and my mom and Marty were watching TV. I waved to them and my mom waved me over. She asked how my test had gone and I wrote good I hoped on a nearby notepad. My mom hoped so too. She surprised me and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. With all that had gone on I forgot it was next week I was gonna be ninteen. Had it been over a year now.

I started to sign then stopped. I wrote down, whatever a cake would be nice. She nodded and said she'd look into it. She hoped my results would be in so then we could celebrate two things. I nodded but I didn't know if I passed things had been well Fucked this week. I mean it was a total roller coaster ride, I'd gone up then down so many times and now was all over the place. I went to my room and laid all the letters out on my bed. I spun around and around getting excited, I hung each of them on the wall with tape, replacing my old prep study notes.

I wondered when he did get my letter when he would respond. How would he respond? Would he send Chad over or mail me the letter? If we mad up, could he come to my birthday next week. I'd love to see him on my birthday. I'd already missed his. I sat for a moment getting excited. I told myself not to make plans or get ahead of myself. I had no idea how his condition was or if I'd be able to get his mom to drop the restraining order any time soon.

I noticed Ian's notes were moving slightly. I looked around and realized my window was slightly opened again yet again. I found it odd had my brother or sister come in again, they usually didn't do this. I got up to shut it but noticed something on the glass this time a hand print. It wasn't inside the window but from outside. I pulled back from the window slightly. Had someone been trying to open my window from the outside. The thought greatly unsettled me. I looked outside but it was so dark I couldn't see anything.

I tried to shut the window but it was really stuck. I realized this was the widest it had ever been opened in years. Someone had managed to get it past where it usually gets stuck. I went to the garage and got a hammer. I came back and then hammered it until it was shut. After that I stood clutching the hammer staring out into the dark void. I didn't have curtains on my window. Up until now I had never needed them. My window looked out into our back yard. I didn't expect anyone to be looking in on me but clearly someone was up to something, I took not of that first time and now tonight...that was twice.

Was it a bugler or... Mr. Jaids. Oh I hoped not. I really really hoped not. Still as I moved in my room that night, I kept checking, to see if it was him. I kept the hammer in my room, I slept with it next to my bed. The next morning I woke up bright and early. I took the box of Mr. Jaids things out to the trash. I didn't want them in my room anymore.

When I got back in my younger siblings were up and making a mess in the kitchen. I helped them get what they needed and cleaned up. After that I went to start a load of laundry. After it was started, I turned to see my mom was standing in the hallway, staring at me bewildered. I wondered if something had happened.

I grabbed some paper and asking if she was okay. She nodded and said. "I didn't know you could do laundry and you cleaned up in the kitchen." She finally noticed...after all this time. I waited for her to say something mean but she put her hand to his chin and signed thank you. It was hard to just stand there. I lunged forward and hugged her. She moved her hands but I could tell there was hesitation, that was okay. When I pulled back I looked at her and signed thank you. I knew how hard it was for her to show me affection.

I smiled at her and moved on. I went about cleaning my room and putting my school books in a pile. I looked at Ian's notes off and on through out the day and thought of all the things I wanted to say to him. Now that I had some time, I started a new letter. 'Dear Ian, I miss you, I hope that one day we can be boyfriend and girlfriend again.' I paused not knowing if that read right, he might not want to be in a relationship with me again. I mean you can love someone but not be with them.

I erased it and wrote friends but again I paused what if he thought I only wanted to be friends now. Oh this was harder then I thought, I mean I wanted to be friends but if we could be together...I'd love that. Oh together yes that sounded much better. I tried to erase it but the page was done for.

I started a new one. Dear Ian I hope one day we can be together again. I hope that I can help you. Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you. I have missed you. I have missed us. I know we have a lot to talk about and work on but I am up for anything. I paused up for anything that sounded so bad. I paced about my room. I am... I began signing to myself. I know we have a lot to talk about and work on. I signed it again then paused.

I am hopeful for the future no. I know we have a lot to work on I am always no. I hope we can, no. I sat in my chair leaning my head back. I am willing to make the effort. I put my thumb in the air and then turned it upside down making it fall like a plane from the sky. I have missed up. I know we have a lot to talk about and work on. I'd like the chance to get to know you again. Not bad I adjusted it. Thank you for reaching out to me. I love your notes, they have brought me such joy as you have always. I hope to meet with you soon. Love Song. That looked decent. I wasn't writing a politzer prize here. I just wanted it to sound nice.

I turned the page if I could write from the heart and say how I felt I'd say. 'Ian, for the longest time I have felt lost without you. I know I messed up, what happened to you was all my fault. I can't change the past but I hope we can change the future and that we can be together again one day. You are the love of my live and each day without you has been agony. I missed you so much. I miss you still. I love you, Song.'

I guess that is what I'd like to say but it still felt like it wasn't enough...like no matter what it could never be enough. I collapsed on my desk. Why was saying how you felt so hard to do. I mean this was Ian. I used to be able to say it with a single glance, a few flicks of my wrists but now I felt all wound up and nervous. Every word seemed so precious and important. I knew it was because of the distance and that things had changed.

Ian was different now but so was I. As much as I wanted to deny this last year...not every day had been agony. Some day's I'd completely lost myself...who was I kidding most days I'd lost myself, in a sex crazed frenzies. Some days, some weeks I hadn't even thought about Ian. There were times where I had wanted another man more then him…I thought of some of the things we had done together. At the time they had been so new and exiting...now I felt ashamed…horrified even. I can't believe I used to put things in me and just let them fall in public where anyone could have run across them. Oh, how many instant pictures of me exposing myself had we left scattered about. It had to be at least a hundred, a lot of pictures included my face...his dick in my mouth, in me.. me dripping cum on the fucking side walk. What was I thinking!

I'd die if anyone I knew saw those. I can believe I'd let him take pictures of my most private parts leave them for anyone to find. Literally anyone could have seen those...could have them...The police could have them... Some of the things we'd done and the places we'd done them in were really questionable. What if I'd done something illegal.

I ran my fingers through my hair...thinking of all those videos. I never knew what he did with them. If that every got out especially that last one. I hadn't watched all of it but he'd used me like a fucking doll. He'd put that broken fucking chair leg in me, pissed down my throat and who knows what else. I kept recalling him holding me on that couch with the can of beer shoved up inside me for who knows how long.

I wanted to forget it all...I never wanted anyone to see me like that. Oh I hoped when I destroyed his camera, it had destroyed the tape. Thinking back I should have ripped that tape out and torn it up, set it on fire, made sure it was completely destroyed but now it could be out there. All those things I'd done with him and he'd done to me, Mr. Jaids anyone might be able to see them again and again.

What was I going to tell Ian! I dragged my hands across my face thinking about it. I knew I couldn't keep this from him. Not if we got back together but what could I say...while you were off working hard trying to recover from a massive seizure…I was getting my brains fucked out by my prep school teacher. What if he got mad or worse hurt...what if I hurt Ian again. I shook my head. I couldn't spring this on him.

No I needed time to explain, it to him but first I had to sort it out myself. What was I thinking.

Maybe in a hundred years or so I'd know why I did all that...Right now I just felt like a broken mirror. I could put the pieces together but it still wouldn't make a solid mirror.. There would always be cracks in the images…cracks in my better judgment. I stretched out on my bed for a few minutes. Then got up to get a snack from the kitchen.

When I opened my door my mom was just standing outside. She looked hesitant. I wondered what it was. I read her lips as she said. "A man is here to see you."

A man, I perked up suddenly. Who could it be? She knew Mr. Jaids so I didn't have to worry about him but then who could it be. She turned and I followed her to the door. There was a man to see me alright, it was Chad. He gave me a saluting wave. I got excited he must have a response from Ian. I to open the screen door but my mom grabbed my arm. I looked back at her lips as she asked "How do you know him?"

Chad spoke, "We are friends."

"Really," she said, "What kind of friends? Do you know she is only eighteen."

I was shocked to see my mother reacting like this. I really didn't she cared... Maybe it because it was Chad or perhaps because was the first time a man had come calling for me. She'd only ever considered Ian a boy. I could see she was concerned about a man being at our door of if she only knew about Mr. Jaids. I hoped she never knew. I had to tell Ian some day but I think my mom could go without knowing.

I saw Chad nod, "Yeeaaahh" I was sure he didn't have a clue how old I was.

I turned and got some paper. "He is a friend from the education center. We shared notes and he let me have a few books, I need to return them"

"Oh, okay," she looked him up and down again then walked off.

I walked up to him and wrote 'Well did he get my note?'

"Yep," he said nodding.

'Did he respond?' I wrote, hoping for another folded note.

Chad leaned forward, "Your response is waiting in my car."

I instantly perked up, he was here, right now, just outside. Oh I wanted to go, I wanted to see him. I put up my finger up hopefully he'd understand I meant one minute. I ran to my room and quickly grabbed some of my prep books and notes. I wrote a quick note to my mom. 'I need to return these and get some stuff I gave him, be back soon.'

I quickly rushed to my mom with the books and the note. She read it and nodded, "Okay but be home before dark."

Again this was sudden, for a second, I wondered had someone replaced my mother. I waved to her and nodded before rushing out the door. I followed Chad out to his car and Ian was pressed up against the glass. When he saw me, he opened the door. Even I didn't even wait, I dropped my books and notes on the ground rushed to him. We embraced him. Oh how we embraced. We tapped out heads together and then we kissed. It was the sweetest kiss of my entire life. I never thought I'd feel his lips upon me again.

I felt we could have stayed that way forever but Chad rushed to our side. He tapped us both on our shoulders. We pulled apart and he said, "Hello, restraining order,"

Ian realized and pulled back. "We need to go."

"Where?" I said. "You just got here."

He smiled and slowly signed "You come to."

They were taking me with them! I quickly rushed to the car. Chad shook his head and went back for my books and paper, I'd dropped. He put them in the front passenger seat as Ian and I got into the back seat. We sat close to each other as he drove off. I quickly signed "How are you?"

He looked at me oddly and I realized it was too fast. I went slow and signed, "How are you?"

He brightened up and slowly signed, "Happy, with you,"

I knew what he meant I grasped his hands and then we hugged again. There was so much I wanted to say to do but I just held him and he me. We were like that for several minutes and then the car stopped. We pulled apart and I saw Chad had parked the car. He turned to us and I read his lipssaid, "You got fifteen, twenty minutes tops before you mom blows up my phone."

I turned to Ian, he nodded and said, "Thank you,"

Chad nodded and adjusted his radio. He started bobbing his head. I assumed there was music. I thought we were going to stay in the car but Ian got out pulling me with him. He looked around and then we walked rather quickly. We took a walking path then split off to a smaller trail before he finally turned around, we almost bumped into each other. I was just so happy to be with him. I kept looked at him thinking I had to be dreaming. He said, "How are you?"

I signed "Happy with you."

He smiled and we touched foreheads for a moment, then he pulled back and said, "We don't have long."

"Why?' I signed.

"My mom wont drop the the-" he closed his eyes. I could see he was struggling with the word. He snapped his fingers trying to recall it. I think I gathered what was trying to say, I tapped him he opened his eyes. I slowly signed, "Retraining order."

He still looked confused.

I tried again very slowly "Your mom wont let us see each other,"

He nodded, I read his lips "She...She wont even talk about you...If I say your name she gets ...she gets" he closed his eyes,"mad."

He opened then, I signed, "I don't care. What do you want" I had to slow down and do it again slower.

He looked at me and said, "I love you. I want to be with you."

I wrapped my arms around him. I hugged him tight. I signed "I love you" then again and again and again.

He smiled. After a dozen or so I signed, "I want what you want"

He nodded. Then I got to thinking about things we needed to discuss. "Do you really forgive me." I signed. He stared at my hands. I signed slower, "You not mad at me."

He got it and held my hand he nodded, "I was mad at first. I was mad I don't re-" he closed he eyes. "Know what went on that day."

He didn't know, I saw a large rock nearby us. I pulled him over to it with me. I slowly signed. "We went to the mall. We had no money. We only looked." He smiled the way his eyes watched my hands and looked at me every so often it was hard not to cry. I went on "We got ice cream," He looked confused, I paused making the motion for ice cream he nodded waiting. "I got cold. You gave me your coat." I grasped his jacket and waited for him to not, "We went to your house. We went to field. We laid down and made love."

He looked at me his eyes widening. "We did it," he said shocked.

He looked so happy then upset, he looked back at me waiting for me to continue. I wished things had ended there and we had walked back and I went home and it was a perfect day. Yet I signed, "You had seizure, it went on long. I. The coat had medicine" He looked confused. I mimed it out for him the best I could he seemed to get the jist of it. He slowly nodded. I went on "I left coat, you gave me, at your house. No," I made the shot action. "I ran to get help. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am-"

He grasped hold of my hands and nodded, I read his lips. "I know. I know I woke up they sad it was bad. I.. it was hard. I was mad. I was sad. I was," he closed his eyes, "mad at you" He continued. "But it was not you."

"I feel it was," I signed I started crying and pulled away some. "You could have died...if I lost you."

He came after me grasped my cheeks in his hand, he turned me to look at his lips "Hey, I am here. I am here"

I smiled at him and signed, "You are,"

We leaned in to kiss me then but he suddenly jerked back. He looked around which made me look around. He stood, then pulled back. He turned to me. I signed, "What is it?"

He shrugged. "Heard something...animal maybe"

Oh I looked around then signed "Now what?"

"I don't know," he said shrugging. "Wait for my mom to not be mad,"

I laughed, rolled my eyes and signed "Right, will be waiting long time,

"Run away," he sudden signed.

I looked around for a second thinking he wanted me to run but when I didn't see anything and he didn't move I repeated it back to him "Run away,"

He nodded.

"And go where," I signed.

He shrugged and moved his hands about, "With you,"

I smiled at him. "We have no money,"

"So," he said. "We make it work."

I nodded, "Okay, when,"

He shrugged, "Soon,"

"Soon," I said. "But wont your mom worry."

"So," he said, "I want to be with you,"

"I need to know how to take care of you," I signed.

"Chad does that," he signed.

"Oh so we will run away he Chad," I signed.

He laughed and said "Why not."

I signed, "Yes the three of us elope,"

He didn't know the word. I could see. I tried to think of another phrase but our time was up. His phone rang. He answered it his lips said "Okay." He hung up and looked sadly at me said "We got to go,"

"Okay," I got up and offered my hand to him. He took it and we walked back to the car.

Chat smiled, "Hi love birds, how did it go,"

I signed teasing, "We are running away with you."

Ian got that and laughed. Chad had no clue what I signed.

He said. "Sorry, I don't know sign language, I only know like help," He did help and he and then flipped us off "Fuck you," He said

I laughed most everyone knew how to flip someone off. We got in the backseat and he dove back to my house. I gathered up the books and notes I didn't think mom wouldn't notice they weren't difference. Before I left I kissed Ian passionately. I hoped it wouldn't be long before we saw each other again. When I got out of the car. I signed, "I love you,"

He signed it back "I love you," then 'see you soon'

"Okay," I signed.

/

/

I watched them pull away and rushed inside. I was so happy. Mom waved to me. I lifted the books and she nodded. I went to my room and put them away. I sat on my bed thinking about what he had said to me. His mom was mad, he wanted to wait for her not to be or run away. Could we really run away? I mean we were both adults but how could we support ourselves. At the very minimum I'd need to make sure I could afford his medicine. I knew it wasn't cheap especially without insurance.

I went to my desk and started making a small list of what we might need and how much they might cost. Maybe I could get a job and then we could run away but that took time. I wanted to be with him now and always. At least now there was hope for that. I drew some pictures of us for a while until my brother came and got me for dinner. I sat down and we ate. I was in such a happy mood, I was bouncing in my chair.

My brother noticed and signed, "Why you so happy, Song?"

I froze...looking at him since when did he know so much sign language. I'd seen him do a word here or there but never a whole sentence, we usually only communicated through writing. Mom suddenly smacked the back of his head. I thought she was mad he'd signed. I got mad at her. I smacked her. She pulled back surprised by my retaliation but I didn't care. This was the first time he'd talked to me in sign language. My own brother a whole sentence. I began to sign she had no right, to stop him, to cut me off. She had no idea what it was like living in this house...of...of strangers.

Marty yelled. "Go to your room."

I did but I felt so mad. One minute everything was so nice and then it had just turned to shit. I hated how things could do that. One minute I was making love to my Ian for the first time and the next he was dying and it was all my fault. I sat on my bed and cross my arms. I just...I hated how fast things could turn.

My brother had finally signed to me and now...what was a joyish moment was just another reminder of why...I'd never fit in her. Why I always felt so lonely. Now that Ian was back in my life I felt like I finally had someone back in my corner again. I wanted...I needed to figure out way for us to be together. I...I couldn't stand it here...anymore. I couldn't stand...always being pushed out.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and laid back on my bed trying to calm down. I felt a slight breeze once again and sat up. Was the window open again? I turned to look and it was indeed open yet again but this time there was stuff taped to it. I slowly approached realizing it was on the outside of the window. I saw a sign that read, meet me in the park now or else.

I looked to see two answer sheets from this weeks test, one had Ian's name on it and the other had my own. I gasped, suddenly a photo was pressed against the window. I looked to see Mr. Jaids on the other side of my window glaring at me. I stumbled back and he slid the photo about. I paused looking to see what it was. It was a photo of me, my legs were spread with a large carrot shoved inside me. When had I done that! He put another picture up, it was of me spreading myself in an alley way. Then he put another up it was of me with his dick half way in. He put up a piece of paper then, it was a form letter.

'Dear Mrs. Harbon.' That was my mother's married name... I read on. 'Did you know your daughter Song, is a dirty skank, who spreads it for anything and anyone every chance she gets. Please see the photos I've provided.'

I looked at him and shook my head. Was...was he threatening to send that to my mother, with those pictures. He took away everything but the sign that read to meet him the park now. He put his hand next to it. I shook my head again. NO FUCKING WAY! He pursed his lips and put more pictures of me against the window. It was me in the sex suit with a water bottle sticking out of me. Another was of me on the kitchen table, the broken chair leg shoved up inside me. I signed bastard, sick bastard...I'd hoped I'd destroyed the footage with the camera but now it was clear I hadn't. He put the letter to my mother on the window again and smiled. Then he glared at me and nodded. I sat down on my bed.

He took everything off the window and disappeared into our back yard. I was devastated... He had all those pictures, he was gonna show them to my mom and he had Ian and my tests. FUCK! FUCK HIM! I dropped to my knees what was I gonna do...if I told he'd release the photos and both me and Ian would fail our tests. I had to stop him from ruining my life but how. I looked around my room and saw the hammer. I knew him, I knew if he didn't get his way he'd throw a fit. Clearly he wouldn't leave me alone, I had to do something about it.

I grabbed the hammer and decided, I was gonna threaten him for once. I'd tell his wife, his job, I doubt he was able to have our test sheets like this and a ton of those pictures had, had him in it. I bet if they found the video of him abusing me, while I was unconscious, he could even go to jail. If he came near me, tried to hurt me, I'd swing the hammer at his head. If he wanted to...to fuck around with me I could do the same with him. If he didn't want to leave me alone. I'D MAKE HIM LEAVE ME ALONE.

I went from freaking out to severely pissed off. I wanted to be with Ian and he wanted to be with me. I wasn't going to let Mr. Jaids get in our way. I nodded to myself and grabbed my jacket, I put it on and hid the hammer underneath it before peaking out of my room. Everyone was still in the kitchen. I knew I couldn't sneak out through the front door and my room's window was a bust but I could try the bathroom window that was how, I got out to see Ian in the hospital.

I moved to the bathroom, shut the door then opened the window. I'd grown some since the last time I'd snuck out but was still small enough to fit through. I left it slightly ajar when I was done so I could get back in. I rushed into the back yard and pulled the hammer out just in case he tried surprising me. I quickly walked to the park three blocks away, he didn't say which park he meant but it was the closest to my house.

At this time of night, it was completely abandoned. I looked for Mr. Jaids but didn't see him anywhere. Was he hiding? Why ask me to meet him and hide? I kept looking around, it was super dark, I wish I had brought a flashlight with me. I noticed all the surrounding street lights weren't working. I wonder why. I cautious walked up to one and saw broken glass all over the ground in the moonlight. THEY'D BEEN BROKEN! I had a bad feeling about this, I stumbled back into something...no someone before I could turn, a hand came over my mouth with a rag. I struggled as they lifted me off my feet. I grasped my hand around their arm but as I breath something sweet in I...felt…

/

I was in the back seat of a car, on the floor. I saw lights flicker across the ceiling. Then a red light...then green, the car moved, then green...then red the car stopped. I vaguely realized it was stop lights. I felt groggy... I felt like I was floating. I tried to wake up more. My hands were bound. I was...where was I? The car turned, I tried to move to sit up. The car suddenly stopped and I saw Mr. Jaid's head appear over me. He saw I was awake. I watched him pick up a bottle of something. He poured it on a rag and then brought it to my face. I tired to pull away but he wouldn't let me pressing it hard against my face, I passed out again.

/

I was on a cement floor, my upper half was on the ground but my lower half was completely in the air. Someone was holding onto my hips as they roughly pounding into me from behind. It hurt...I tried to...do something….I passed out.

I was upside down...no… I...someone had my lower half and I was arched...my head had fallen so far back that it was upside down while someone was roughly jerking into my lower half.

I was on my side...one of my legs was up and I…

/

I was naked, on a cemtn floor, water was rushing around me. My privates stung, I knew someone had penetrated me. I saw some blood going into a nearby drain. My hands were in soft cuffs attached to a thick chain. I slowly rolled over from my back onto my stomach. A man was sitting in a chair, in the corner of the room. They were smoking, I couldn't see their face, there were so many shadows in this room, it appeared to only have a single light bulb.

The room was small, there were oil stains on the cement. I saw a garage door. My eyes focus and unfocused, the man leaned forward into the light. I saw it was Mr. Jaids his hair was wet slicked back. He let out a puff of smoke... What was he doing here? Wait...where was I? Why was I here. He stood after a few seconds and walked up to me.

He crouched down next to me and I noticed he was shirtless, he was also wearing rubber gloves. He signed "Your lover boy, doesn't have much in the way of brains. He must have one thick cock if you still want him."

I just looked at him... he looked down at me and shook his head. He signed "It's okay you don't' have to say anything. I know were done talking. Don't mind me, I'm just taking out the trash." He stared off into space for a second. He looked fucking deranged. As I woke up more I realized...this mother fucker had kidnapped me. I looked at him with disgust. He moved his lower jaw from side to side before he took a long drag of his cigarette and then put it out on my shoulder. I squirmed as it burnt my tender flesh. After a few seconds he pulled the bud away, went over to a metal bucket and threw it in. Then he slowly walked around me, when I looked up at him. He signed, "You love him. You love him. You love him. You want to runaway with him."

I furrowed my brow...wondering how he knew about that. Was he following me again? Had he followed us into the woods? However he found out...it didn't matter, it was none of his business. He had no right to kidnap me...to rape me. I wasn't going to stay silent this time. As soon as I got out of here I was, I was going to the police. I didn't care what- He pulled his dick out, it was limp and still oozing cum. He giggled himself as I read his lips "You are only suppose to love this!" He shook it for a few more seconds and then put it away. I continued to read his lips "After all I did for you. After all I gave you!" he looked down at my crotch, "You're greedy pussy just couldn't get enough. How many times do I have tell you I'd sooner kill you then let you go"

He looked at me and signed. "I thought you were special Song...but turns out you're just trash."

He walked around me slowly again. Then he kicked me to roll on my back. Once I was on my back he kicked my legs apart and stepped between them. He continued to kick them apart until he'd spread me wife. I tried to move, to sit up but I still felt so strange. Had he drugged me again. I felt the tip of his boot go between my legs.

He was positioning it, I knew what he was going to do, again I tried to move to crawl away to do anything but I couldn't. We made eyes contact then he pulled back and brutally kicked my sex. My entire body jerk with pain. He'd never kicked me with shoes on and never that hard ever. I struggled to curled up I managed to move my hands a little.. He didn't like that, he walked around me and pulled on the chain to make my arms go up over my head.

He attached a cuff to each of my ankles and hooked them up to something keeping my legs apart. He stepped between my legs again and put his dirty boot on top of my painfully swollen vagina I looked up at him, pleading with my eyes as he slowly applied more and more pressure. I read his lips "What don't you like this?" He said I could see his eyes were glossy. "Am I not enough for you. I thought you got off on this...on being degraded...broken down...and abused."

I shook my head, he knew not like this...again he was twisting things. I tried to sign, I spelled with my fingers but he refused look. He stared into my eyes shaking his head. He signed "I fuck," He looked up the ceiling continuing to sign without looking at me "I fucking loved you...you know that. I loved you're pussy more then anything. I risked so much to be with you...not once but twice. I was setting money aside," He shook his head, "I was gonna leave my wife for you. I wanted so much for us, to be with you forever... the only real man inside you. We could have had so much fun. I could have made you into such a fucking cunt but you both betrayed me."

He looked at my crotch and signed to it "Now I'm going to break you," He looked at me as he pulled out a box cutter. I saw the blade and read his lips "I'm going to make you into what you really are, trash. Then I'm gonna fill your void once and for all and wrap you up tight." He pointed to the wall. "I looked to see another sex suit this one was a full one, it covering everything even the mouth." I looked back at him shaking my head. He continued "Then I'm going to throw you away. Like you tried to throw me away."

He pointed and I saw the box of his things I'd tossed in the garbage. He'd fished it out of the trash. I-NO! NO! NO! NO. He could see the fear in my eyes, the utter horror of what he had said. He smiled down at me, then walked over to a stereo system. He turned it on, I saw lights on it moving. He began to move to music I assumed. I struggled move against my cuffs as he began opening his mouth, he singing, I couldn't make out his words.

He stepped back between my legs and removed his belt. He began to beat me with it. My breasts, my stomach, between my legs. I thrashed against my bindings each time I was painfully hit. I watched the belt leave welts and break the skin before he tossed it aside and lining up his boot for another kick. We made eye contact, again I pleading with him. He stared at me coldly and pulled back. I closed my eyes, a second later I felt my entire body rattle as he crashed into me.

I knew then, he was going to kill me….

I knew I wasn't going to leave here alive…

It was over, my life, was over….

Why after everything I'd lost and was finally gaining back. Why. Why. WHY!

I didn't want to die...not like this..

Was I cursed or something…

His boot came down on me again and again.

/

I don't know when I lost consciousness but I woke on a table. My legs were in stir ups, a dildo on a machine was slowly drilling into me. I felt so out of it. My inner tights were bleeding...no my knees, breast, stomach, everything, bled. He was him carving into my skin with that box cutter. He was writing vulgar words all over my body, loose cunt, whore, cock tease, tramp, twat...open hole, cum bucket, greedy pig, dirty skank. He was carving slut into my arm. I saw the bloody s and l he was working on a u. He saw my eyes were open and smiled. I was in so much pain, I passed back out.

/

At some point I felt someone tugging pulling a corset on me, I struggled to breath though my nose in a tight mask. I was in so much pain.

/

Someone slapped my cheek, I could barely see. I saw someone in a mirror, no me I was completely wrapped in latex from head to toe, I was losing consciousness. I saw a cupcake with a candle in it. He dew close to my head, then blew it out. He unzipped the suit at the crotch and smashed the cup cake between my legs. I didn't feel it...I only saw it. He zipped up the suit as I was losing consciousness he slapped me awake. He put something strong under my nose. He signed "At last your perfect, you're outsides finally match your insides." Then he stepped back looking my over he nodded and signed "Goodbye." He lifted me up and was carrying me to an open trunk, I closed my eyes.

/

I woke to a smell, it was awful, I looked there was a sliver of light. I could see trash bags all around me, on top of me...there was open garbage, noodles, diapers, rotten vegetables were spread out. I couldn't move I couldn't do anything. Someone open the lid through another bag in and shut it. I closed my eyes and everything faded to black.

/

I saw a lot of pretty things….light...so many colored lights...

/

My favorite lights came through clear crystals. I loved the reflection they made on the wall. I used to think it was magic itself. My gran used to tell me crystals had healing properties. I just loved all the colors...how everything sparkled and shined. I remembered watching them on the living room wall for hours. I still had one of her crystals in my room somewhere. I wished I could hang it but one of my younger siblings tried to take it once and I worried they'd break it. Break it…

/

Someone signed, "I'm going to break you."

/

I recalled drinking straight from a garden hose when it was really hot out. Gran had turned on the sprinkler and I ran through it. It was just a little water but I could spent hours running through it. I didn't need or want for anything else. It was so fun it was a nice memory.

/

I remembered gran holding me in her rocking chair when I didn't feel good. I felt so safe, so warm. The only other time I ever felt like that was when I was with Ian. When he held my hand, it was so warm, I knew he loved me too. I wished I could hold his hand forever. I opened my eyes and he was there with me, holding my hand. He was slumped over in a chair, he looked really, really tired. I squeezed his hand. He shot up in his seat. He looked around then wiped his mouth before putting his hand back in min, I squeezed it again. He looked down at our hands, then at me. He darted to my face, his mouth got wide. He was so close but I couldn't read what he said. I closed my eyes

/

I smelt my mom's hand lotion. I opened my eyes she was putting it on. She always put on too much… always had extra. It would get on me and everything she touched. I didn't like it… I think she knew that… I closed my eyes.

/

I opened my eyes, things slowly adjusted, I saw a ceiling. I was in a hospital room, a nurse was changing an IV bag. Ian was there sitting in a chair, against the wall. The nurses mouth move, "You should go home, we'll call you if her status changes." She paused and then said. "Okay sweetie, well you let us know if you need anything." She checked my status and then looked at me. She saw my eyes were open. She moved her mouth, "Hello there," Ian soon appeared in my view field, his mouth moved. "Song! Song! I love you! Who did this to you!"

Who...did what, I felt hot, my eyes drifted to the side, lights began flashing, the nurse smashed a button. Ian backed into my view, his hands were up. His face was twisted in horror. A lot of people were soon rushing into the room with a cart...

/

I was eating cereal on a couch...watching TV. It was a normal thing to do but nothing was normal about the situation I was in. My boyfriend had used me as fucking collateral for a drug dealer. My boyfriend said he'd be back but he only had a week. It had already been three days and after the things that had been done to me. I didn't he wasn't coming back...I was beginning to think they weren't gonna let me go.

Tears streamed down my cheeks and into the bowl of cereal. I didn't want to be here anymore...I didn't want him touching me anymore. The front door was open but the screen door was shut. I wondered if I could make it...if I threw the bowl of cereal on the floor, maybe I could dash out the screen door, down the stairs and out on the street before one of his goons noticed me. The big one came in a second later, I saw a gun in the back of his pants. I clutched the bowl knowing I'd never make it.

Still I looked at the door…at my freedom. Suddenly my view of the door was blocked as HE stepped up to me and took the bowl of cereal from me. He sat down next to me his leg touching mine. I tried to pulled away but there he gave me a wink and pulled out his dick. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me towards it...I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to do this, I'd rather be anywhere but here…anywhere...

/

I opened my eyes, everything was fuzzy, I couldn't breath, I couldn't...I began choking. I was thought I was going to chock to death. I had no idea where I was, I couldn't think, I panicked 'Please...please I don't want to die.' I tried to flail around but I couldn't move. Then someone was standing over me, they pulled a tube out of my throat, it hurt so bad but I could breath. I was exhausted, I fell back to sleep.

/

There were lights in my eyes. A doctor checked one and then the other. I looked at him followed his finger then dropped of. He signed to me but I didn't understand it. His mouth moved, I saw a police woman standing next to him. She signed to me, I stared at her, the doctors lips moved. He gestured for her to come with him.. The police woman looked at at me, sadly shook her head but nodded to the doctor. They left the room, I started at a window for a few second, Ian slowly stepped into view looking out the window. He put his hands in his pockets and let his head drop down. He was so close and yet he felt so far away.

/

I woke feeling a little more alert. My mom was doing sign language, Ian took her hand and adjusted it. She nodded fixing it. They continued to have a conversation. "How are you," she repeated "How are you." Then "I love you." Then "Song….Song." Then "How do you feel." I watched for a few seconds as she struggled with it. My brother was sitting next to my bed playing a game... my littlest sister was there...she was carrying her stuffed rabbit. She could barely see over the bed. She reached out touching some wires. My brother pulled he hand away. She pointed at me, he looked and said, "She' awake,"

Suddenly Ian and my mom rushed to me. Ian signed, "Song, Song, blink if you can understand me. I blinked. I think. I don't know if he saw. He kept looking at me like he was trying to find something.

My mom started crying, she signed, "I love you,"

When did she learn to do that, Ian and mom both looked at something. I shifted my gaze, a doctor came in. He checked my eyes then, had me follow his finger. He slowly signed. "My name is Dr. Lemon, Song, can you understand me, look up, yes, down, no,"

I looked up. I read his lips he smiled and said "And we have contact,"

I saw my mom light up she hugged Ian. I looked around my other sister and brother were there they were at the end of my bed. Why was everyone here? The doctor moved his finger in front of me bringing me back to look at his hands, "Are you in pain?"

I looked down.

He smiled again. He signed, Good, good,"

He signed "Do you know your name?"

I looked up.

He signed "Is your name Song Linorik."

I looked up.

"Do you know where you are?" he signed.

I looked down,

"You're in the hospital." He paused then signed, "Do you remember anything?"

I paused. I don't know what he meant. What I remembered, I was taking a test no going to take test or...did I pass my prep class. I saw Ian. I did a double take. Wait...Why was he here? He was mad at me. He told me he hated me to go away. I hadn't seen him in so long...or wait I saw him at a bus stop...or did I dream that. The doctor put his finger in front of me and brought my attention back. "Song do you remember anything." I didn't know what he was talking about I guess, I looked down, "No"

"Okay," He signed. He paused thinking.

Ian moved into view. "What is the last thing you remember?"

The doctor shook he head, "No, it needs to be yes or no, we start slow...simple...ease into it."

Ian nodded then signed, "Do you know me?"

I looked up, of course I knew him but again why was he here, I was so confused but happy.

I started crying, he was talking to me again. The doctor asked, Ian and the others to wait outside. Ian shook his head, he didn't want to leave me. My mom grabbed his shoulder and urged him to come with her. I no, I didn't want him to go away again. Don't go..I...I...it was so hard but I lifted my hand ever so slightly. Ian noticed he rushed to me, he dropped down beside my bed, he started crying. Why was his hair so long, it was past his chin, there was so much of it, he'd had it short in the courtyard. What court yard?

The doctor decided he could stay. He held my hand. I couldn't really feel hand...I titled my head till it could see it. My hands looked weird, I don't know why. The doctor brought me back. A nurse was there holding a large calendar now. When did she get here

The doctor signed "What day do you remember last?"

He pointed to my birthday. It wasn't for another week, I looked "No"

He pointed to the day before my birthday, I looked down "No,"

He did the next day and the next, "No, No." He moved to the month instead of the day. I knew the month. I looked at it, my test was then, I looked up. "Yes"

He moved back to the days, going a week back from my birthday. I looked up. Ian looked at me strangely. "Do you remember the test," he signed.

"No" down then wait up "Yes, No" down, I didn't know.'

The doctor put his hand on Ian's shoulder then drew me back to days. "He touched the first day of my test. I knew it but did I remember. I, yes Ian was there but wait his hair was short. I looked up Yes" then I struggled moving my hand. Ian let it go I moved to just grasp his hair. I liked it... liked this. I wanted to touch it, I pinched it my hand was so weak. He looked at me, I pulled it again, then let it drop. He realized, "My hair...she noticed it" I read his lips. "My hair was shorter then," he turned to the doctors speaking I couldn't see what he was saying.

The doctor nodded. He pointed to the date again the first day of my big test, "I looked up, looked down."

He moved to day before, I looked up, "Yes"

He nodded and they marked it with an x. I was tired. Ian kept brushing my hand but it felt off. Was I on something. I saw all sort of wires and cord now.

The doctor moved his finger to pull my attention to him. "My name is Dr. Lemon, You are in the hospital, you are in recovery,"

I looked at him trying to follow what he was saying. What did he mean I was in the hospital from recover. From what. He signed again, "Do you know what happened to you?"

I looked down, "No"

Ian's face held so many emotions, he looked upset and happy, his eyes were glossy, his lips move, "When do we, when do we" He closed his eyes, "Have to tell her?"

"Not today," the doctor said he patted Ian's shoulder

Ian opened his eyes, he seemed suddenly relieved. He weakly smiled at me but tears were falling down his cheeks. I didn't know why. I was here. I closed my eyes.

/

The next time I woke the police were there. Ian was still by my side. I was scared why were they there? The doctor greed me and introduced himself as Dr. Lemon, he signed the police had some questions about what happened to me. A police woman stepped up and signed, "I am officer Kate," She smiled at me, she had a nice smile, I smiled back.

Dr. Lemon signed, "Let's do what we did the other day, Song. Up for yes down for no okay,"

I looked up. I knew how to do this now. I think I smiled again. Dr. Lemon signed, "We lowered your pain killers, let me know if you are in too much pain. We need you to be a little more alert today."

I looked up. I felt more alert, I guess. pain I felt something slight but for the most part I felt detached from my body. The doctor gestured to the officer and said, "Keep it light, she doesn't know, the details yet. We will tell her more as she recovers"

The officer nodded. I was confused, Ian smiled at me his lips said, "I love you,"

I looked at him even more confused. He was mad at me, now he loved me?" I didn't understand, I moved slightly, Ian squeezed my hand, he looked concerned. "She seems upset."

The doctor pulled my attention and asked, "Are you in pain, Song?"

I looked down, "No," I was confused. I wanted to speak but my hands wouldn't. I looked at them. Officer Kate began signing "Do you know anyone who would want to hurt you?"

Hurt me? Who would want to hurt me? Had I done something? Had someone done something to me? I shifted my gaze I didn't like this. Ian squeezed my hand I looked back at him. His lips moved "Song please… focus, we are trying to help,"

I looked at him. He let go of my hand and signed, 'Do you know anyone who would want to hurt you?'

I paused thinking about that longer. I didn't think anyone would want to… "I'd sooner kill you then let you go." My eyes widened. I recalled him saying that. My heart began to pick up. I saw a knife...no a box cutter. His foot was coming down on me, he was gonna kill me. I didn't want to die. I began struggling. I didn't want to die...I didn't want to die. The doctor moved coming over he quickly injected me.

/

The next time I woke it as just doctor and the police officer lady with a nice smile. The doctor explained the rules again, yes means up no means down then signed, "Did Gideon hurt me?"

I looked down. "No."

The doctor signed, "You're safe here Song. If he hurt you let us know. We can help.'

I looked down, this was crazy. I looked around for him. I couldn't see him. Had he been here? I kept looking. Ian why...was he here? Had I dreamed him? I wanted Ian. I missed him so so much. It was all my fault. It was all my fault he was hurt. I began sobbing. I kept looking around. The doctor signed, "Are you okay,"

"No," I looked down I wanted Ian.

I kept shifting my gaze.

"Are you in pain he signed,"

"No," I looked down. I wanted...understand me.

"Are looking for something?" signed the doctor.

I looked up, "Yes."

"Someone," signed officer Kate, "Yes," Again I wanted Ian. Where was he? Why...Why. Where. Gone.

The doctor signed, "Do you want your mom?"

I looked down. "No"

The police officer signed "Do you want Gideon?"

I looked up, then finally, I looked up again, then looked up to get my point across. Why wasn't he here? Had I imagined him being here. My chest ached...please let it not have been a hallucination.

The doctor asked again, "One last time Song, didn't Gideon, hurt you."

"No," I looked down again. What didn't they get, he didn't hurt me. He'd never hurt me. I hurt him. I cried and cried. The doctor spoke to someone, I looked just in time to see a male nurse step out. My mother was in the hall she stepped into the doorway. "What's wrong?"

The doctor said, "She wanted Gideon."

"Oh.. he's here," she said looking around, "He went to get us food from the cafeteria"

The doctor nodded and turned back to me. He signed, "We're getting Gideon, Song. Stay clam."

I looked up calming down some. I looked up and I looked up. "Yes, yes."

The police officer looked at me for a second then asked, "Did anyone in your family hurt you?"

I paused, my mom had hurt me a lot...emotionally but I don't think she meant that. I looked down.

"Do you know who did this to you." I looked at her confused. This? What had been done to me. I looked around. Wait, why was I in the hospital again. I was so confused. The doctor pulled my attention with his finger. He signed 'It's okay Song, you're safe. Someone hurt you but you're safe now'

I looked at him grasping what I read. Someone had hurt me? Someone had hurt me! WHY!. It must be bad to be in the hospital. I tried to move my hands...I wanted to ask questions, I felt my finger tips on my right but my left felt weird. I saw a cast. I saw a lot of wires and casts and like metal stuff holding the casts. Had I been in an accident? I looked around. Then the doctor and officer suddenly turned to the door, I turned to the door. It was Ian he looked winded. He came over dropped down beside the bed and touched my hand I looked up "Yes, yes."

He nodded I read his lips, "It's okay I'm her now. I'm here," The doctor tapped him and said something to him. I didn't take my eyes off Ian. He nodded to the doctor. He looked back at me, he slowly signed "Do you know who hurt you?"

I paused, seeing someone I... I saw a man...but he was blurry then...not so much. He had ice blue eyes. He was looking at me, he was angry. He was so angry. I furrowed my brow. He was, I knew him, I looked around the room he wasn't there but I knew him. I looked up.

Ian sunk back, rocking slightly. "Who," He signed. "Who did this to you?"

I was confused. I knew him but he was. I saw parts of him. He had a penis. His eyes, he was signing in a class room. Hotel room shower… sex he was pounding me into a shower, my hand slid along the glass door. I left a wet hand print, on a bathroom counter...toys...sex toys inserting. It flowed into my mind in scattered bits and pieces but it was all there, it slowly oozed forth into my mind. I knew him but in this moment his name eluded me. Why did I think it was him? He had a knife...in some kitchen. He was naked… I looked around trying to understand.

Ian looked at me and signed "Song you okay?"

I looked at him yes, no,"

"She doesn't know," said Ian, "She does both when she doesn't know?"

"Do you know who did this to you," the doctor signed.

"Yes," I looked up again. I knew him I just didn't recall his name.

"You know them," signed Ian confused.

"Yes," again looked up.

The doctor rested his hand on his chin, he looked to be thinking. Ian said, "I don't think she understands,"

"Let's try it another way," The officer said, she looked like she had an idea. She signed "Were you attacked by a group?"

A group, "No" I looked don.

"Okay was it one person who attacked you."

I looked up "Yes,"

"Good, Song," she signed "Was it a man,"

"Yes," he was a man.

"Alright, that narrows it down some," I read her lips as she nodded. She put something in a notebook then put the note book under her arm and signed, "Good job, Song. You're doing a very good job."

She smiled at me. I smiled back I think I felt it this time.

Ian's lips moved as his eyes shifted side to side, "She knows him but doesn't...A man," He looked at me then perked up. He signed, "Do I know him?"

I paused had they met. I recalled the test, the man had taken Ian's name badge they'd walked away together.

"Yes," I looked up.

"Fuck," Ian said pulling back. I saw a ripple of anger wash over him. His hands shook, he rocked for a second, closed his eyes and calmed himself. When he opened his eyes and signed again he asked, "Did we go to school with him?"

"No," I looked down but school yes…there was a class room. I rolled my eyes about. He was in the right area.

"What's that," asked the officer. "She rolled her eyes."

"It's new." said Ian. "I asked if we went to school with him she said no then rolled her eyes."

"Didn't she take can adult education classes?" said the officer, she looked through her note book.

"Yes," said Ian lighting up again, "Some prep courses. She had to take them twice."

I wondered how he knew that. Had my mom told him? It sucked taking it twice cause...I recalled the class room, a desk, candy, being pounded into his desk, putting his stapler in side me. He pushed it too much I didn't want to put it inside me, it was dangerous, even in the condom. I put my hand on his arm pleading not so much just rub the outside. His ice blue eyes flicked up at me, he smiled at me but kept going till it went in, oh it felt weird, he didn't stop there he pushed till it filled me.

I felt it go in so deep that day. He put the stapler back on his desk. My eyes lip up, it was his desk, he was my teacher. I blinked and looked at Ian, he understood.

"Yes, he was from her prep course," he signed as he spoke to the doctor and officer.

I looked up, Yes,"

"A student," signed the officer.

"No," I looked down.
"The teacher," signed the officer.

I looked up. "Yes"

Ian looked ill, he shook his head and signed slowly, "Your teacher hurt you?"

"Yes," I looked up.

I think he did...didn't he. I looked off to the side. He kicked me between the legs but I liked it...no...I recalled being kicked and then being KICKED. It hurt so bad. They were different. I'd enjoyed one not the other. This room we were in where was it? Why was my memory all over? Was it this stuff I was on. I felt my thoughts racing. I also felt my body...like it was there again. It felt so heavy and painful I felt burning...my muscles ached I...I didn't like it.

Ian was waving at me.

"You're teacher hurt you," he signed.

"Yes," I looked up. How much longer would this go on.

Suddenly Ian's mouth got big as he turned to the doorway. I looked to see my mother in the door way. She stepped her lips moved "Who...who...was her teacher?" I just barely caught that.

Another man stepped into the door way. "Stay calm Ian. You have to stay calm."

I looked to Ian "I know," he said, "But we're close, we're so close, to finding the bastard. We just need a name."

I looked back at the other guy "It was here teacher?" the man seem surprised, "Shit that messed up!"

"I don't know," my mom said. "I didn't know here teachers well," she paused thinking on it, "Wait one did come to the house, when she failed his class. He also had her do work study later on. Come to think of it, they went away one weekend." She looked sick realizing it now.

"WHAT WAS HIS NAME!" Ian shot up. He was livid. My eyes felt like I was watching a tennis match jumping back and forth.

"His name," my mom tried to recall. "I'm sorry."

I stared at her, I needed to know, to remember it...maybe then I would...I kept trying to think of his name. I saw him staring at me, signing, smiling, in a car, behind a desk, glaring at me on the other side of my window. It was something with a...J. or a Ur...Ure... no...I thought. Why was this so hard to recall. Why did he keep dripping in and out of my mind. It was like I knew him but when I tried to get the name my mind would just blank. My mother's mouth moved. "Mr. Jaids, I think that's it" she said.

Mr. Jaids. I looked up at the ceiling as it clicked. I remembered being in his car. He was on top of me crushing me. We were in an alleyway doing it. I...I'd been having an affair with him...or yes...I fuck… I closed my eyes recalling some of the dirty things we did, flashes of it. I saw flashes of him outside my window again this time with pictures of what we'd done. He was threatening me why...if we were having an affair..

No I ended it, I saw him naked in a kitchen with a knife, he was threatening me to...to meet him. He slammed me into a wall...my eyes flickered…flashes of box knife...dessert...I needed to focus.. the room was so dimly lit, not this room no the other room. I was on the ground...then back in my room, sign there is was. I felt like was was being flung around in my mind. I read the sign he wanted me to meet him in the park…. I took my hammer… I did... I ever get to the park? I recalled him on top of me crushing my sex with his boot. Kicking me again and again. Writing...on me with that...box cutter.. carving..Whore...Hole. Cunt...Slut. He hurt me...he hurt me so bad. WHY! WHY!

Ian moved to stand over me, he was trying to get my attention. He moved his hands slow spelling out. "J...a...i...d….s. Jaids"

I looked at him. Oh no...no... I didn't want Ian to know not like this...about me and Mr. Jaids. I looked at him oh he was gonna know and I...not like this. I needed to explain. I'd been stupid with Mr. Jaids but I ended it before the test. He was a psycho. I recalled a video of me on a couch. Ian looked at me, I looked at him, my eyes tearful, again he read me, just looking into my eyes "It's him, it was her teacher." His eyes were glossy. "Mr. Jaids."

Officer Kate signed to me, "Song was it Mr. Jaids."

"I'm gong to break you," I saw flashes of him, kicking me, the knife…I looked up. I looked up. I looked up. Then I closed my eyes tears escaped from the sides and rolled down my face. When I opened my eyes she was signing.

"-Jaids, alright, good Song, very good," she signed to me. She entered it in her notebook and left a moment later.

Ian squeezed my hand but he didn't look at me. I could see he was upset...lost in a world of his own. I just looked at him. Waiting for him to ask questions. Eventually he signed, "When, when did I meet him?"

I couldn't answer the way he'd phrased the question. It wasn't yes or no. He kept trying. I saw his jaw tighten. He signed "Was it at the test?"

I looked up. "Yes."

He ran his hand over his mouth. I could see he was thinking. He shifted his gaze to the door. I knew he wanted to go...to find him. He looked back at me and rocked. He looked at the door then signed, "You Rest,"

I had a bad feeling about this. I looked down, "No,"

He signed I could see him getting angrier and angrier, this wasn't good for him "You rest," He signed again

"No," I needed him to stay but he tore from me and moved out the door.

That other man near my mom tore after him.

The doctor was there. He signed, "Are you okay,"

Clearly, I looked down "No,"

I looked after Ian. I wanted Ian to come back. I wanted to know what happened to me. I wanted to be able to speak but I couldn't, my body was broken. He'd actually broke me. Why? I tried to recall why? I remembered him pounding into me from behind in the woods. I wasn't moving. I was limp. Why… I tried to recall more but I was tired now.

The doctor signed I was going in for some more surgeries they began prepping me. I wanted Ian. I waited for him to come back. They wheeled me out of the room. My mom was there but she just looked at me she looked confused. She tried to sign, she probably had questions, before I went in for surgery she just signed 'I love you'

/

When I woke up it was night and just my mom. She looked at me and smiled. She was peeling an apple, "When you were really little you used to love the curl," she said. "Remember you wore it as a bracelet. You were so silly, you were so small, it spirals all the way round she showed me her apple spiral. I looked at it and then she noticed I was awake.

She did sign language. "Song"

I looked up. She nodded, up is yes, "Hi,"

I wondered what she wanted...it was also rare to hear things from before when I was really little. She didn't like talking about that. From Grand it sounded like a bad time for the both of us. I didn't remember anything about an apple peel but it seemed nice...maybe it was me...maybe it wasn't.

She signed again, "I am sorry,"

I looked at her confused in more way then one. When could she sign again? She looked at me moved her hands and then stopped, frustrated by it She spoke, "You think I'd be better with all the instruments I learned, sign language should be like that but is' not for me at least." I don't know if she was talking to me or herself.

She lifted up a sheet of paper and put it over me. She mouthed, "Can you read it?"

I looked up saw letters. It was another of her infamous letters. She was sorry I'd gotten hurt. Sorry we fought...wait when did we fight. I read on she thought I'd run away. She knew things weren't easy between us, it was hard for her, she felt guilty for some many things. Maybe my lack of hearing was her fault, not being able to teach me. She was always so perfect at everything, she'd never failed at anything until me. I was her first failure...but that was her failure not mine.

All those days and nights I was gone for class, she realized I'd be gone for good soon enough. She signed the family up to learn sign language. It was suppose to be a birthday present to me but my brother let it slip. She was mad at the surprise being spoiled not at signing. She should have allowed it but everything was just a reminder. When she realized I hadn't run away, when they found me and I might die. She was sad that she never said things, did more things with me. She feels she kept failing me. She was sorry, she wanted to do better but didn't know if it was too late.

I felt so many things reading this, my eyes watered up. I made her think of her failures...I was her first failure. I knew something about failure now...Ian, I'd failed him, I almost killed him. He was so mad at me, I hurt myself ripped out my implants, then I got tangled up with Mr. Jaids…I did so many horrible things trying to kill the pain, to bury my failures, I let him do so many things to me, accepted so many things cause it was easier… Now Mr. Jaids had hurt me…so bad I was in the hospital. He'd nearly killed me. I'd failed a lot. It wasn't nice to think about it all...For her I was just a constant reminder. I wished I could talk to her...I wished I could tell here it was to late but I didn't know. There were so many things I wasn't to say but my voice had been stolen away.

I looked at her hoping I could convey some feel toward her, some understanding that I understood failure and I wanted to try. I wanted to believe we could do better.

"What is it?" she said looking at me. She didn't get it.

She noticed I was crying and wiped my tears. I tried to smile at her. She smiled back, "There you go, you're getting better," she looked sad, "You're smile used to be so pretty. She shook her head.

"What did he do to my pretty little girl,"

I furrowed my brow...since when did she think I was pretty? She never said it but I guess she thought so...wait...she said used to be. I shifted my gaze what had he done to me I looked at her, desperate to know. She picked up on it this time "Do you want to see?"

I looked up. "Yes"

She looked away, "Oh I don't know Song, we're suppose to wait for you to handle it better. You wont get upset"

I looked down, "No."

I knew I would but I needed to know. She pulled back and dug in her purse. She pulled out her hand mirror and shined it on me. My nose looked different, it wasn't like before, it must have been broken and fixed or just healed. My hair was super short...almost like it had been shaved and grown back some. I could see a large scar coming up from my chest. It had stitches. I saw some letting for the words he'd written. When I smiled I saw chipped or missing teeth. My bad hand was in a cast as well as my hips and legs. I was also wrapped like a mummy.

All this damage...he'd done all this damage to me. I started up at the ceiling and started to cry. Why did he have to do this. I couldn't remember...most of it...only vague splashes ever now and then.. I wondered if I wanted to know...if his reasons mattered. I remember recalling that video...him holding me on the couch the beer can inside me. He had no reasons good enough for the things he did to me. No he'd just done them because he could. I tried to feel my body out. but I couldn't feel anything but the pain...the pain.

I started crying my mom got upset "Oh don't do that no I didn't show you so you could cry. Oh sweetie". I kept crying. She stood, "Nurse, nurse."

A nurse came in they gave me something.

/

I woke to Ian standing at the end of my bed. He looked upset his head was sunken. The man from the other day was there he had a black eye, he was talking, "-let them do their job, they'll get this guy. Just stay focused on yourself and Song."

"You saw this guy," said Ian shaking his head, He closed his eyes, "The first time I saw him he was...I was at her desk, he came up to me, asking for my ID, then he took that note from you, even though you weren't taking the test and told us to go."

"Yeah I remember," said the guy,

"Today…what he said," said Ian, "After everything." Ian had spoken to Mr. Jaids" He was…he was...was." Ian snapped his fingers, "Smug, he did this to her...he threw her away like garbage and he said I hope she pulls through. You should have let me hit him,"

What? I was confused had they fought?

"Yah right there in front of the police station. You're lucky I stepped in, you want to be arrested right now hauled of to jail. How is that gonna help Song. She needs you and they would have remove you from the test trial. All your hard work would go down the drain."

What was going on...test trail.? Ian pushed off from the bed turning away from me his hand was wrapped. He had hit this man. I saw Ian lift his hand into the air his back was to me. He was still talking but I couldn't read his lips. The other guy came up and put his hand on Ian's shoulder. He patted him. Ian turned towards the window, he looked really upset. The man slumped his shoulders and looked around. We made eyes contact, he tapped Ian. "Oh ho, she's up"

Ian turned to me, "Hi" he signed.

I looked at his hand again, he noticed and signed, "It's nothing."

I didn't think so but couldn't say that.

"How do you feel?" he signed then paused and reworded it, "Do you feel okay,"

I thought about it, looked up "Yes"

"Are you in pain?"

I felt slight pain but it was manageable, I looked down "No"

"Good," he signed, "I heard your surgery went well,"

I nodded I hadn't heard but I guess if he had then it did.

He came around to stand in front of me. "I made you something."

I looked at him curiously, "Be prepared for your eyes to get tired," He got a book off a table in the room. Each page had a letter of the alphabet. Seriously.

"Now we can talk," he said.

I looked at it and cried. He was so sweet.

"Hey. Hey," he came over and patted my hand. "Think what do you want to say."

I looked up yes."

He started flipping the book, "I," I looked up. "L...O...V. He paused "I love Pizza too," he teased. He was signing so much better. I recalled he had issues before. I looked at him curious.

"What is it?" he said. He flipped through the book several times till I spelled, "You better,"

"Oh, yeah," I read Ian's Lips, "New medicine, helps make better connections. I got in a special test trial."

"And he is killing it," said the other guy. "I told him I bet if he studies this next time he passes his test. Third time is a charm."

"Right," said Ian.

I looked at Ian. I lifted my good hand moving it some. "What is it?" He signed

He used the chart. I spelled "Third."

"Oh yeah, uh I didn't pass, the test," he said. "It was my second time. I was hoping I'd improved but I was taking it for the test trial. They need it to show where I was at,"

We used chart. "Your sign better."

"Yeah," he signed

"His speech and sign language," said the other guy. It's all he's been working on for months now. He wanted to be able to talk to you when you woke,"

Months... I had been out of it. I looked to the chart. "How long out,"

Ian shifted his weight looking at it, maybe I should have spelled more of it. He nodded after a second then looked distant. After a long pause he finally answered "Your doctor will tell you. When your ready."

That wasn't a good sign. I wanted to know more. Ian and I continued to work with his alphabet book trying to talk until a nurse came in and saw what we were doing. She found us a better chart that was faster. I only had to select a few options to get the letter I wanted, instead of flip though them all till we found it. Still I thought Ian's chart was nice.

We talked about how he was doing, his sister starting high school as a freshmen, getting a boyfriend. His mom now had something else to worry about other then him. I asked about his mom being mad and he said she cooled off a bit and removed the restraining order. If she hadn't he would have violated it again and again they couldn't' keep him away from the hospital.

I told him I was the same for him. He brushed my hand and nodded, then he remember he'd brought notes he'd made me while I was out. They other guy brought a whole box full in. I finally asked who he was and learned he was Chad. It was nice to know his name. Ian opened each of his notes and let me read them. I liked them a lot. His hang writing was still big but he could fit more on a single page. He showed me how he held the pencil and had to focus when he did letters.

We talked about a lot except for what happened to me, what my injuries were and what the police were doing about Mr. Jaids.

/

Later that night Dr. Lemon finally sat me down and informed me I had survived a brutal attack. He said I was very lucky to be alive. He wanted to start me on physical therapy and had a few more surgeries he wanted to do to improve my hand function and overall quality of life. Once he worked on my treatment plan with me, he slowly walked me through a list of my issues. I arrived at the hospital in critical condition. I had needed several emergency surgeries to stop internal bleeding. I had a blood clot and at one point my heart stopped. They were able to get it started but later had to crack it again. Upon inspection they had to remove foreign bodies from both my vaginal and anal regions. There was also significant tearing. An infection a few days later led to an emergency hysterectomy. It took me weeks to fully comprehend what this meant.

I had several skin infections, broken bones, fractures, lacerations and nerve damage. They put me into a medical coma as they repaired the damage. After a while It got to be overwhelming. A lot of things blurred of felt beyond, it all started to fade into one massive clump of injuries. The take away from this was, I was going to be recovering for months even years if I could recover and I was also gonna have a lot of medical bills. When he was finished he asked if I had any questions I shook my head...the only question I had he couldn't answer how could anyone do this to another human being...How could Mr. Jaid.

/

The next day the police came to get more details and questioned me about Mr. Jaids. There were four people this time, it was a little intimating. One person was a sign language interpreter, another was in charge of worked with a special chart they had, since I could sign, write or talk..I only had my eyes. It was even more advanced then the hospitals it was in a big spiral notebook and had common used phrases and words along with added words I might need to reference like. Mr. Jaids, My mom, Gideon.

She would be pointing out words and watching my eyes or head to nod. Once she got the word or letter she read the words outloud to the room and a man would enter them in the records. The fourth man was a detective, he would be asking the questions. They gave me some time get used to the chart while they set up in the room.

I assumed by now he had told them his side of things and all about about the affair we had. I was hoping to clear the air and tell my side of things. Ian asked to sit in. I agreed, it was going to be hard with him the room..I wasn't sure how much he knew, he'd probably heard rumors by now if not I'd rather he head it from me. I knew he'd have questions after but it was only fair he knew if he was going to stay in my life.

My mom wanted to be there but she couldn't make it. She had to do something a my sister's school. I was glad she wasn't here I felt like it would have been a lot. The detective did most the talking. he started off by asking what I could remember about the night I went missing. I told him Mr. Jaids demanded I meet him in the park and that if I didn't he'd reveal pictures to my mother and had Ian and my answer sheets for the test we took. I could see Ian was surprised about the tests, he leaned forward in his chair listening.

They asked what pictures I was referencing and I used the chart to tell them it was from the affair we had. I looked to Ian after that. He quickly said, "What did, she say?"

"I'm sorry," said the detective interviewing me, "If you're going to sit in we need you to remain quiet."

He nodded but looked at me confused, I looked down in shame. The detective had the record taker read it back to him. Then he wanted to know how and when it had started. It took a lot spelling by the time I was done my eyes felt strained. I wished more then every I had my hands.

I told them it started the first time I took his class. He was my teacher but offered to be my friend. We would go on drives and he'd talk to me. One night he was upset and wanted to have sex with me. I felt weird, I signed I wanted to go home and to stop but he didn't take me home until after. Ian pulled back in his chair. They asked why I didn't go to the police.

Why hadn't I...I'd been confused and so stupid. I informed them I was confused and lonely. He made it seem like I had a choice and cut off contact until I made it. I accepted the terms of his friendship. Ian lightly shook his head and flared his nostrils. I tried not to watch him as I went on, I needed to focus but his opinion mattered to me the most.

I went on telling them it was a sexual friendship, I told them what rules I could remember. I told them we did risky things, in places all over the city. I learned I was a masochist, things went on for a while but when I learned he was married I felt it wasn't right. He was my teacher and he was married. I didn't want to be a teacher. The detective sneered at that I saw Ian give him a sharp look.

I had to rest my eyes for a second we took a break. Ian was quite he didn't look at me. I wondered if he was mad. When we started up again. I went on that I confronted about marriage and how I realized he was just feeling a gap. He got mad broke a chair off a leg and threatened to fuck me with it. Ian pulled back hard especially when I spelled out he beat me with it instead. Then he was so rough I could barley walk. He said it was my fault I made him violent and he ended things. Ian clasped his hands.

I thought things were over, he didn't talk to me but after the semester he came to my house said I'd failed and would need to retake the class. They Detective asked why I didn't tell my mother. I admitted we weren't close. I confronted him the first day of class and he said he was going to humble me. He also paid for that semester so he thought he owned me. I talked about the sex shop, the hotels.

The detective wanted to know where the pictures and video were. I admitted he had some and others were left in the street.

He asked if I was an exhibitionist. I didn't really know what that was. Ian seemed I could see he didn't like the detective after that and held his tongue. The Detective said it was someone who liked to preform for others sexually. I shook my head. He asked how many partners I'd had. I just pointed to Ian. The Detective shook his head as he wrote a note. I don't think he believed me. He asked me to go on.

I told them things ended after I think he drugged me and used me. The Detective asked why do I think that. I admitted to passing out and waking up on the floor with no memory of events. He wanted to know how I knew something had happened. I spelled I found a video. He asked me to tell him what was on the video. I didn't want to but I did. I went on that he'd put a water bottle in me something I'd not wanted and told him before. I told them he poured wine in me. The Detective asked if I often drank wine. I told him I'd never drank any. He made more notes.

He asked how did I know if I was drugged vs drunk. I explained I had some funny juice. He looked skeptical. He wanted me to go on, I told him he took me outside and I was unconscious, he peed on me and stuck that chair leg in me and a beer can. The Detective looked at my hip cast, then took notes. He asked if there was anything else. I informed him I smashed the camera after he'd peed in a tub down my throat. We fought he broke my middle finger and a doctor came over.

They wanted the doctors name I told them where my card was at home. That the name and number were on it. He said they'd cleared my room and would have to find it. He told me to go on. I got into how we fought and I ended things and he threatened to end me. Again I was asked why I didn't report this. I thought it was over, I had no more classes, the doctor said I'd pass. The Detective paused then asked so you passed the class without going to it. He made it sound like I got a free pass though I suppose I did.

I really didn't like him but I didn't know if I could get someone else. He asked when things started up again and I told him they didn't. I didn't see him until test, it was a surprise. I said he took the money the doctor gave me and threatened Ian's test scores if I went near him. The Detective made me back up, he wanted to know how much money I was paid and when...I told him and he put his lips together whistling. He asked if I had ever charged before or received gifts for sex. I told him no but thinking on it Mr. Jaids did buy me things.

He asked what happened. I said I tried to stay away from Ian but after the test learned Ian wasn't made at me anymore so we got back together, I think. I looked at Ian he was gone staring off into space. I went on that Ian and I had talked and that Mr. Jaids must have followed us cause he knew we had talked when he had me in a room. They wanted details about the room but I didn't remember too much.

I told him I woke in the hospital and that was it. He nodded then asked me questions. He asked if I had ever prostituted myself. I shook my head. He asked me about names, if I knew Dustin Loftman, Andrew Piker, Mic Rider, Martin Paw, and David Mins. I didn't think so. He asked if I had ever lied to the police. I shook my head. He asked if I had ever stolen. I shook my head thinking that was weird. Then he wanted to know about my stay in the mental ward.

I wondered he he knew about that...obviously I'd told Mr. Jaids everything so he told them. I admitted to hurting myself after being upset. He asked if I was upset when I went missing. Like I might have done this. Ian got up then and asked, "Is she a suspect in her own kidnapping,"

The Detective replied he was investigating. What came up in the course of the investigating is none of his business. Ian asked if I could have a lawyer. The Detective didn't think I needed one he had only one last question. Did I go to sex clubs I corrected sex shops. He then said it again he meant sex clubs. I said I wasn't sure. He jotted it down and said he'd call if he had any more questions. They took the chart packed up and left after that.

I felt...I felt like things had turned in on me especially when Ian signed he needed to take a walk and wouldn't look at me. I kept thinking of Mr. Jaids saying stop pretending your my victim. I wasn't pretending...but now I wondered where had the lines been. I'd enjoyed a lot of the sex...so did that make the stuff I didn't enjoy acceptable. Also how could he think I'd do this to myself. I felt really bad like this was all my fault. I waited for Ian to come back but eventually rested.

/

I worked on my physical therapy for a while over the next day or so. My mom came in and said the police had a lot of weird questions and looked through my room again. She asked if I wanted to tell her anything. I didn't I was feeling sick. I had a fever and they thought I might have and infection. It turns out I did. I got sicker and had to have another surgery.

/

At one point I woke to lights in my face, there were a bunch of cameras I fell back asleep as my mom held my hand.

/

The next time I woke Ian was back he was yelling, at least I think he was. He was at an angle. His face was red, his hands were angrily moving about and his mouth kept getting big and moving fast. I could only catch a few words. "Selfish... Cared...Noticed...Happen!" He wore a bracelet that began flashing on his wrist. He paused and took a step back. I could see him better. I looked too see who he was talking to on the other side of the room, it was my mom, she was sitting in a chair, and she was crying.

"I just thought if people saw what he did to her, they'd arrest him sooner or donate some money for her teeth. They look so bad-" She cut off

I looked back at Ian -look so bad," he said. I could see he was trying to calm down holding the arm with his bracelet. "We're lucky she is alive… she nearly died, three times, once right in front of me. She is still not out of the woods. She had an infection, had to have emergency surgery and you brought a news crew into her room." My eyes widened. WHAT! SHE DID WHAT! He went on, "That wasn't for her that was for yourself." He pursed his lips, shook his head and then his lips almost moved to fast to read, "You wanted people to see you sitting by her bed. You want to fix her teeth cause you don't like how they look." He closed his eyes "You always push her...you always... you always want to fix her there even...nothing's wrong with her. She's here that's...that's enough...she's alive she's here everything else can wait, for her to decide." He opened his eyes and I looked back at my mom.

She was even more upset, "You have no idea how hard it's been for me. Song has never been an easy child. Everything I do, I try to help, I try to be a good mom, but it's never enough. No matter what I do I fail her." I glanced at Ian.

"You just need to be here...listen," said Ian. "Just listen to her, that is what I do"

I glanced back at her "You know we can't talk to each other like normal people," she said, "You know it's hard for me to string it all together. I write letters, she could write me letters but she doesn't. She was right I didn't but it was because I still felt self conscious about my handwriting with her. I wrote her notes but never more then one or two lines

Ian was shaking his head "She knows don't like her handwriting, you called it chicken scratch"

"Oh I never said that," My mom denied.

"I know you did, she told me, she tells me everything and it's not hard. When we talk it's perfectly normal."

My mom shook her head I could she she was upset. "If she tells you everything. Where were you, this whole time. When she was with him"

No don't say that. That was my fault. I furrowed my brow.

Ian pulled back "I was recovering" said Ian. "I had to sort myself out,"

"Right, well look at you, it's easy for you to point fingers and blame everyone else but if you'd been there, been in touch with her at all. She might not have hooked up with him."

Ian got so mad then. His clenched his fists, his bracelet went off and his mouth got big, "She didn't hook up with him, he raped her and forced her to keep seeing him. You lived with her...you should have….have noticed….if you... you spend more... then five...five min-"

He started to stare off into space. His speech had slowed. I knew what was happening. He'd space a few seconds before it hit him. I tried to sit up. My mom didn't see it. My mom didn't know what to look out for. Her mouth was moving but she wasn't seeing. I painfully struggled forcing myself to move...to hit the alert button on the side of my bed. I just managed falling back.

It went off my mom didn't know what was going on. A nursed rushed in, "What's wrong,"

Ian hit the floor and started seizing. The nurse rushed to him and helped. Another person rushed in then Chad. He didn't his medicine. I watched as Chad had it on him he dropped down next to Ian and injected him. He held him then...saw him through to his recovery. My mom just stood there looking at him and then me. She shook her head and said, "I can't do this anymore...I can't…" She threw her hand down grabbed her purse and stormed out of the room.

They move Ian from my room to somewhere he could calm down more and possibly get checked out. Sometimes it could take hours to come down from a seizure. He used to tell my he didn't feel like himself for days. I thought about what they'd been fighting about. My mom had brought a news crew in while I was recovering. I didn't even noticed it. They both blamed each other for things but I didn't blame either of them. I was an adult. I should have gone to the police that first night but I knew him...or I thought I did.

Then the pain had felt good...the pain had felt like a release and him telling me what to do...had unburdened me. All of this was my fault. I...I should have gotten out, should have quit his class or taken another. I don't know...I had wanted his attention his approval the release. I had just wanted to escape but there was no escape. This was my life and now me here in the hospital bed was my outcome. I tried not to feel sorry for myself...I just..wanted this to be..over… I wanted all the pain, the trauma to stop hurting. I felt like I'd been shot and the wound wouldn't stop bleeding and was making other people around me bleed. Eventually drifted off to sleep.

/

My mom didn't come back to the hospital after that but Ian did. He looked worse for wear and Chad insisted he stay calm. Ian promised he would, he took out the char we had and we went through the standard small talk. Eventually, I told him if he needed time he could take it. That we didn't have to be together we could just be friends.

He looked hurt but nodded. He signed he understood if I needed, time he'd be here for whatever I needed. I replied I understood if he wanted distance given...my affair. He paused for a long moment then signed, "You need to stop calling it an affair. He raped you Song."

I sat there for a bit but then began to spell out on the chart. I didn't think I was a victim, I'd liked a lot of the sex. I'd escaped in the pain, the humiliation and there were times it wasn't all bad."

He sat there for several minutes. I used the chart to explain I wasn't trying to justify what Mr. Jaids had done but I wanted him to know I wasn't innocent and its okay if he wanted an out."

He started crying then, Chad wanted us to stop. I read Ian's lips as he said he could handle this but I needed to be set straight. It wasn't right I thought like this. He signed slowly so I could focus. He said he knew what I was saying and how I felt but Mr. Jaids was my teacher, he was thirty, he took advantage of me. He raped me that first time and everything that happened after that didn't matter as far as he was concerned it was still rape."

I shook my head. I tried to use the chart saying I let him do things to me that I had given it cause it was easy. That I'd used him as any escape-"

He looked at me and signed, "You don't need to explain yourself…everything he did to you was wrong Song. He is a monster, he tried to kill me and threw you in the-"

He paused catching himself. I wanted him to continued but he didn't. He just signed "I'm not mad. I'don't want to go anywhere. I love you. I'm here if you want me." I nodded a lot. I wanted him I'd always want him. He moved and squeezed my hand and then he calmed down much to the delight of Chad. We kept things light. When they left I was still alert. I could use some of my fingers and a nurse gave me a changer and changed the TV subtitles for me. I watched cartoons, then I flipped around, saw part of a movie and then caught the news.

They said a lot of people were getting sick from eating jelly dough a new craze. But first they had an update about the story they ran the other night. I saw myself on the news. They said I had been abducted for a week found in latex in a dumpster. I froze...recalling the smell of trash. Two men had found me when they had accidentally thrown me away. They showed a clip of one of the men. They said they thought I wasn't real at first. They thought I was a mannequin or a blow up doll. They realized I was a body and still breathing.

The news said they had graphic images and advised viewers with small children. They showed EMT's pulling me out of the trash and cutting off the suit as they transporter me. They then cut to an update they filmed and it was me in the hospital. I watched them walk in with my mom she held my hand and said my teacher had done this to me and if anyone could give donations we'd appreciate it. I was unconscious and she lifted my lip to show my teeth and then pointed out some of the words he'd carved in me.

They said they were looking into finding out who this teacher was but as of now they had no names. They asked if anyone in the community. Had any information about me to please call them. I felt sick after that and turned off the TV. For hours I just stared off into space, tears streaming down my eyes. He...had thrown me in the trash on my birthday….like I was used up garbage. I realized then he hadn't planned on me surviving. He had intended on killing me. I shivered with the thought...all the times I spent with him...every moment he looked at me touched me...was inside me...I felt so sick...then the news...seeing me...like this. Everyone would see those words...what would they think… I felt so...so...sick...I puked…

The nurse came in and my temperature was up. I had a four day fever after that. I don't remember much, another surgery. My mom didn't show up but Ian and Chad were by my bedside. My brother came by and signed for a little but I was so out of it. When my fever finally broke I was depressed. I felt like I was never going to recover..that I was never getting out of this bed, this room. I got stir crazy.

Ian showed me he'd made a chart like the police with common words...and things. I told him I watched the news. He shook his head and signed for me to stay away from it. I wanted to know if he'd been arrested. I wanted to know he was going away for this. Ian looked even more upset. I begged him to tell me what he heard. Ian signed he was denying ever knowing me outside of class. He was claiming I had mental health issues and had….he had asked me to stay after class because he was concerned cause sometimes I might flash him and other students had seen me flashing him. I told Ian it was what he wanted.

Ian didn't want to talk about it. I told him I wouldn't watch the news but I needed to know. I needed to know he was going away. I kept waiting for him to be on the news and eventually he was. They said he was an innocent teacher caught up in a sex crime. I thought he couldn't have kids but they showed him coming out of the hospital with his new baby girl. He took a moment to speak to camera as his doctor friend helped his wife to the car.

It looked so strange seeing him. He'd cut his hair short and uneven. He had grown a five o'clock shadow, lost some weight and was wearing glasses. I read the subtitles as he denied the allegations and hoped I got the help I needed and they found the real people who did this. He didn't want to say any more on the matter just that people be respectful of him and his family and the police as they went on with their investigation."

He pulled from the camera and got in his car driving his new baby and drove home. Had I been out that long for he and his wife to have a baby or had his wife been pregnant. He said he got a vasectomy had he lied. I was so confused. Things went down hill from there. They did a piece on him, how he volunteered, was an advocate for the disabled, a good teacher. Students were interviewed one girl, I didn't even know said I was always wearing like barely anything and didn't put on underwear it was so nasty. One time she thought I was master baiting in the woman's room. She also said she saw me open my legs whenever Mr. Jaids was up front that he would try and ignore it. That once his wife came in and I was like mental….stalker mental. Mr. Jaids was awesome thought helped her get ready for her test and she passed. She had plans for college and publicly thanked him.

Over the next few days they uncovered some underground sex club. They said I was often there, that I was a prostitute and would proposition men in allies. Multiple male students came forward they had partied with me. I recognized one of the names the Detective had mentioned. He said he and a friend had a three some with me and deaf girls can surprise you. I was beyond bewildered, that just wasn't true I'd only been with two guys ever.

Then the photos started popping up dozens of them had been found and were sent in to the news station. They had to blur them but I said I was exposing myself in public places, putting dangerous items inside me, they heard I got off on pain and would ask people to kick my private They said I frequented a sex shop and would blow men in the alley outside, that I put on shows at sex clubs and done multiple gang bangs, one in a park even. They even had photos of me outside. I knew the alley he'd taken me there before but I didn't know if that was a sex club. He once signed I was lucky he owned me or I would have gone to some sex club and been have blown out by twenty one. I think that is the only time he mentioned a sex club to me.

They talked more of sexual torture, more reports surfacing I liked it roughed and paid people to beat me to get off. One anonymous user said I enjoyed a belt around the neck, that I wanted someone to choke me out and stuff me in the trash. He said he distanced himself from me thinking there was something wrong with me. That I was like suicidal. They got a video sent in of me master baiting in a public park, they couldn't share it but said it was being shopped around, along with other videos of me walking around in a fur coat dropping sex toys. They even had ones of me in a hotel playing with insertion that I'd gotten into porn. It was even being sold in the sex shop I frequented. I started hyperventilating when I found out anyone could see me doing things. I thought those videos were private.

The new speculated I'd found someone to for fill my trash fantasy. They believed I had done those things myself and the men had dropped me in the trash like I wanted. They then reminded viewers it was speculation and had not been proven. Police were still investigating and would like tips.

The worst news cast of all was when they found my family. Marty answered the door and said he had no idea that this was happening, that I was a depraved pervert. He tried to help me, took me in as a kid but I always had a screw loose I hit my mother and after he knew what I was, I wasn't welcome back here. My mother tried to explain it wasn't her fault that she took me in but I'd gone mental after my boyfriend dumped me. She said things were never the same after I removed my implants that and she'd lost me to this world of undergrounds sex and now she didn't know what to believe. Marty pulled her in the house….

The news was just eating this up, the one I saw most had their own segment on it, uneducated sex, underground lies in the city. The main news caster was this beautiful woman in her mid twenties. Who wore he hair in a high pony tail. She looked like she should have been an actress instead of a news caster especially how she spun things. She kept giving dramatic updates like this was all some TV show. One day she actually snuck into my hospital room. I had just finished physical therapy, Ian had gone down stairs to the cafeteria. She walked in like she was a nurse checking my vitals.

As soon as I saw that high pony tail she I knew and she knew I knew. She quickly asked me. "I heard you read lips, tell us why did you target Mr. Carter Jaids. I just stared at her bewildered, I tried to push my call button but she blocked me with a clip board and said, 'Is it because he tried to help you? Are you suicidal, do you have a fascination with sex and death. Did you do this to yourself. She just kept moving into my line of sight and getting my reaction. I stopped reading her lips. I had gotten my hips cast off and my arm back but signing was still hard. I tried to get up and she actually started taking pictures of my scares.

"Did you do this," she asked taking another picture and another picture. Suddenly she turned. Ian was back he looked at me and then her confused. I signed help. I actually signed it. Ian quickly looked at her and demanded to know who she was. She honed in on him and I read her lips as she turned her questions on him, "You're the boyfriend right? Is it true your mother kicked you out because you wouldn't leaver her."

Ian realized what she was and grabbed her but she pulled back from him and acted like he hurt her, "You're so roughts is that why she like you?"

Ian tried to get her again but she slipped away like a snake, "Is true she tried to kill you during sex?" She didn't even wait for a response just another question, "Can she only get off if death is involved?

Ian pushed out emergency button and came around to me, "Get our of here this is assault, I'll have you arrested,"

"Isn't Song facing multiple charges herself for indecency, filing a false police report, distrubting porn with out a license, public nudy.

The nurse came and Ian told her what was going on. The woman took another picture of us and just smiled, "It's fin I got what I needed."

She flipped her pony tail and left. Ian helped me back into bed and we shut our room door. I was so upset. I asked what that was all about on the chart. I hadn't known Ian had been kicked out of his place. He admitted his mom gave him a choice he chose me. He knows I am innocent. I wanted to know where he was living and Chad had him at his place. He was no longer getting paid but they were friends.

I asked about the charges against me. Ian said he had been looking for a lawyer. That they had mentioned pressing charges but due against me but due to the situation they were holding off. I didn't understand it. How was I facing charges….and he wasn't. I felt like my life had turned into a nightmare and I was dragging Ian down with me.

I stopped watching the news...I retreated into myself and got really quiet. My doctors needed me to start eating more but I felt so sick I just wanted to sleep. Ian and Chad were the only two that came they took shifts now after she'd barged in. I was upset I admitted to Ian I had seen the news. He got upset but told me not to believe them. The police were still looking into my case and two women from the college recognized me and said they saw a man attacking me and trying to steal my purse. They were willing to do a line up and testify. I recalled them it was...was Judy and Reign. Chad said the Judy chick was pretty hot. I was glad that they'd said something that they believed me at least.

I told Ian those pictures and videos had to be Mr. Jaids that he had the masters. Ian said he took all the tapes out of the sex shop but they keep restocking them. He hopes when we get a lawyer we can sue. I didn't know how I was gonna afford all this and my medical bills. I knew they were piling up. There was a lot more they could do to help me but once I was well enough they released me. Chad said he and Ian had sorted out where I could go to continue my recovery. My mom sent me two letters before my release but I just ripped them up, for once I couldn't handle her. I felt bad I couldn't talk to my siblings but I knew it would be some time...maybe when they were older.

/

On the day of my release there were reporters everywhere. Ian shielded me with his coat and Chad drove us. We had people follow us all through the city and out of it. I wondered where we were going I though Chad lived in the city but he said his cousin had a ranch, it was a bit of a drive but it should give us time to shake everyone off our tails. The reporters were relentless non so more then Pamula Wuin, I learned that is what her name was. She was eager to get more clips of us.

She followed us all the way up to the ranch up couldn't come on because it was private property. She stood outside in a business suit and hills having her camera man take video. I really wished they wouldn't. I wished we could just disappear. I didn't want anyone bothering us and most of all I didn't want him knowing where to find me.

The first few days out of the hospital, I kept looking for him everywhere like he'd be lurking int the shadows with more pictures and threats but there was nothing he could do to me now. I had the only thing I wanted. Ian moved in with me and we even shared a bed. Every night I'd curl up with him and fall asleep. He helped with the nightmares...sometimes I'd have flash back of what he did to me...He'd wake me up and hold me.

Chad got Ian a job on the ranch helping out but it was mostly a recovery place. I petted the animals went on walks when I could and reflected. They also had free therapy I was worried she might judge me cause of the news but she was warm and welcoming. As I could signed and write again I shared more detail with her.

She said Mr. Jaids had done a form of emotional manipulation. He found my weak spots and exploited them to his advantage. She said I was vulnerable to abuse, condition at a young age by my mother's handling of me. She had punished and rewarded me, I had sought he love and approval even as she was the same hand that locked me in the closet and spanked me.

I had gotten into a similar pattern of abuse with him, the reward, the punishment. I asked if this explained why I was a masochist. She said sexuality was complicated. There was nothing wrong with being a masochist but she didn't believe Mr. Jaids and my relationship fell under a sadist and masochist bond. Because even in this community there was a level of trust. Safe words, expectations and understanding of basic care and decency. Overall trust was key. She pointed out how time and time again I had drawn a line to let him know my boundaries and he'd took it as an affront of his control over me. She thought he might have been a narcissist.

Some of the behaviors of narcissists were taking advantage of others to inflame their own ego and sense of self. Exerting control over me an ownership made him feel empowered. As long as I fit that narrative he kept me around but when I tested his power, tested his over all sense of self by denying his demands, it infuriated him to the point of retaliation. If I wasn't stroking his ego then I was the enemy, a bug to be squashed. I didn't understand a lot of it but I hoped one day I would

I hoped one day I would be able to recover and move on. Some people made mistakes and learn from them to grow into better people. I felt like this mistake was going to haunt me for the rest of my like. It wasn't just the media...the fact that he seemed to allude the police's investigation it was the scars he'd left me. All over my body he'd carved in words filth, slut, whore. tramp. Open hole, hoe, cum bucket, pussy, bitch, cunt. Every times I stared at my naked body his words were there. I wore long sleep shirts and pants. I was grateful he had left me my face alone then angry...that I was grateful for such a thing.

The police came out a few times and said, my investigating was pending as we charges. It looked like a mess. I got a lawyer who said he'd represent me if charges were filed, we started filing motions against the video tapes and the news station, he also helped get a PI to look for surveillance footage and maybe track down who was sending in those tips to the news. It would have to wait for money though.

Eventually I became old news and people stopped reporting me in tabloids and the news. Pamula still had her eye out for me but after my lawyer followed suit she'd cooled off for a bit. I was able to go places beside the ranch, I still got leers sometimes from people who recognized me but sometimes people didn't.

Ian was my pillar through all of this, eventually he took and passed his high school equivalence test. I found I had passed mine but just barely. We talked about what we wanted to do once I had recovered enough. Chad visited often and suggested we all take a beach trip for the summer. I loved the beach and thought it would be a great idea. Maybe we could look for jobs there. We decided to make a week long trip of it for my twenty first birthday. Chad had started seeing Judy and hoped she and her friend Reign could join us. I thought it would be nice to see them again.

/

One day a few weeks before were were suppose to go on our trip. Chad drove Ian and me out to this flower garden nor far from the ranch. All the flowers were suppose to be in bloom with various garden designs and displays. Ian took me to look at some blue roses. I always thought those were the best, those and the ones that were ranbow colored.

While we were checking out the roses, Ian got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I didn't answer right away. I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but...I worried about his needs, his future. I wouldn't be able to have kids and I wasn't sure about sex...ever.

I'd been getting used to my body again but was still struggling with being underweight. I had developed control and disinterest issues with food. I could no longer look at some foods without feeling sick. Any food I'd put inside me reminded me of that time and I began to realized just how much he'd put in me. Sometimes I'd stare at myself in the mirror and run my hands across my scars...I'd trace the words he'd written all over my body and tell myself this is what he needed me to be in order to feel secure in himself. This was not who I was.

I was worried I might not be able to feel pleasure. I wasn't sure if my hysterectomy would prevent me from getting wet or aroused but a doctor told me sex could be better for some people after a hysterectomy. I wasn't sure when I'd ever put anything in me again but I enjoyed using my imagination. Sometimes I'd tie myself up just to feel the burn of the rope against my skin. I enjoyed the pressure I felt, enjoyed knowing what I liked. I still felt freedom in the pain...one doctor told me that when your in pain your body will send you endorphins and that is why you can get pleasure from it.

I tried not to associate my sexual preferences with him, I tried not to let him take any more then he already had. With some work I was able to achieve orgasm thought it wasn't very powerful. I felt in time I'd get to know myself...trust myself more and find what was right for me and my body. Sometimes I'd look at myself and think. "My body, my body, no one else, my pussy, my breasts, my lips my ass. My body, no one owns it but me." It was all helpi-

"Well" Ian signed pulling me from my thoughts. I realized I'd just been standing there thinking about sex. He went on signing "Who says we couldn't adopt one day and it's not like sex wont be a problem for both of us. I'm just as hesitant as you are. Whatever we do, Song, I just want to be with you. I love you and want my life with you that is all this ring says. I love you and want to spend today and tomorrow and the next day with you. I want to be here during the good times and especially the bad."

I nodded and signed "Me to. I love you."

He waited for my answer and I, signed, "Yes, Yes, Yes"

He put the ring on my finger and we embraced. We touched our foreheads together and for a moment the future, whatever it maybe be seemed possible. We'd both overcome a lot...been through a lot. In the end we both wanted the same things to be together.

We walked along a row of wild flowers as the sun was setting and I didn't think life could get any better, in this moment with the one I love. Each and every second was a gift. I'd felt liked I'd been in an accident and was finally beginning to see the light beyond the wreckage, of these last two years. I looked at some of wind chimes they had and spotted some bright orange and yellow flowers. For a moment I bent down to get a closer look.

Suddenly the flowers all had little speckles of red on them. I thought it was weird, I turned back to get Ian's opinion and he was unconscious on the ground. I thought he was having a seizure for a second but he wasn't moving. My eyes focused on a man standing a few feet away. He was in a black hooded sweat shirt. The hood was up, a black scarf hid the bottom of his face but you I could clearly see the man's eyes. His ice blue eyes, I knew all too well. I lowered my gaze to a blood stained baseball bat he was clutching in his hand. I quickly realized what he had done.

He looked at me with such intensity. I wasn't sure if he wanted to fuck me, kill me or do both, either way I was utterly screwed. I stumbled back in shock shaking my head no…no...no… I fell into the flowers. This had to be some sort of nightmare. Why! Why was he here now after all this time, aftr all he had done. I thought he was done with me but clearly he was not.

He stepped up on Ian and then over him, making his way to me. I closed my eyes, I thought he was going to hit me with the bat too but in one swift motion, he scooped me up and over his shoulder. When I opened my eyes I could see Ian's motionless body slowly getting farther and farther away. I reached out to him as blood pooled on the ground around his head.

I pounded my fists against Carters' back trying to get free, a group of women came around a giant rose bush and saw Ian's body. Their mouths opened wide and soon people were all rushing toward them to see what was going on. Carter strode thought the garden, taking me to the parking lot. He walked up to a shiny black muscle car and thrust me into his the passenger side seat. He slammed the door and I immediately tried to open it but when I searched for it I found the inside handle had been removed. I couldn't get out this way. I quickly turned and tried to climb out the drivers side. The drivers door I reached it. I came face to face with Carters crotch as he stepped up. He was tenting in his pants. He pressed the tip of the bat to my chest and pushed me back into the passages seat.

He climbed in a shut his door, trapping me in the car with hims. I turned back to the window and banged on the glass. I could see Chad's car a few feet away. People were running into the parking lot now. Chad got out of his car and looked around confused. I banged on the glass as he turned in my direction. He saw me I signed, "Help Ian."

I felt my seat vibrate as the car started up. I flung to the side hitting the dash as Carter backed out of his parking spot. He yanked me back into my seat by the back of my neck and then turned the steering wheel backing up some more before he switched to drive. I looked back to see Chad behind us. I wanted him to help Ian but he started running after us… Carter suddenly stopped taking notice of him, he adjusted his rear view mirror then put the car into reverse and backed up. Chad stopped running towards us and tried to dodge the car but Carter hit him. I felt it as the car dove over Chad then Carter adjusted his stick to drive and we shot forward. We sped out of the parking lot and onto the street. Once we were a few blocks away he pulled back his hood and lowed his mask.

His hands moved sporadically, sometimes he let go of the steering wheel as his mouth moved quickly, it kept getting wider as we went faster. The car was out of control. His face was turning red and I could see his veins pulsing, I suppose he was yelling. He turned the car sharply and my head hit the window hard. He reached out, grabbed my wrist and roughly yanked it, he shook me and slapped me, trying to get my attention, all while driving. Yet I refused to look at him, refused to give him what he wanted. He grasped at my hair and pulled at my chin, wanting me to read his lips but I wouldn't… I would never read another word from him.

He move though lanes getting off the city streets and onto the highway. He madly zoomed in and out of lanes as he passed cars, cut people off left and right. At this rate we were gonna crash, part of me hoped we would that the car would flip and the windows would shatter, like my heart. Yet once we made it past all the city exits, he lowered his speed to match pace with the flow of traffic. I soon watched the buildings disappear and the scenery turned into open endless fields of land

I shifted my gaze to the side view mirror, hoping for flashing lights but all I saw was a light cold...rain. He calmed having successfully gotten away. He looked at me then leaned over, I thought he was going to hit me but he got my seat belt pulling it across me, he buckled me in.

Then he buckled his own before lighting a cigarette. He took a long drag and focused on the road for a few minutes. I stared numbly forward for the longest time. HOW! WHY! IAN! IAN! I closed my eyes...seeing him on the ground surely he was dead. I didn't want to think...I didn't want to feel. Carters hand fell on my knee. I opened my eyes as he slid it up my leggings.

I felt him brush over my crotch. He gathered the fabric and flared his nostrils annoyed that it kept him from me. He pulled out a small switch blade and flicking it open. He set the baseball bat between his legs, to hold the steering wheel steady and went after my legging.

He snatched up the thin fabric cutting through it and then went after my underwear. When he'd freed my crotch, he put the knife away and took hold of the wheel again. The car swerved sightly, as he over corrected. He adjusted and drove for a minute. Eventually he put his cigarette out in the cars ash tray. Keeping one hand on the wheel, he dipped the other between my legs. I knew it was pointless to fight. He patted my sex and smiled to himself before he roughly inserting two of his fingers. I jerked feeling him sink in, he continued to penetrated me until my vaginal juices started to flow.

Then he pulled his finger out and ran them under his nose. He deeply breathed in my scent before he dipped it in his mouth. He looked utterly euphoric, for a brief moment it was almost like he was a drug addict taking a hit. I found myself unsettled as I took note of his appearance up close, he'd lost weight...a lot of weight, his ice blue eyes looked hallow, sunken. He looked like he hadn't slept in ages.

He had an air of madness about him as he shifted his gaze to mine. I forgot my vow of silence...to never read another word that cross his lips as he said "Surprised to see me, I know so am I. What can I say my love for you is undeniable. Even if you're trash, you're my trash and I wont let him or anyone else have you from me" He shifted his gaze for a moment and looked truly haunted, unable, to break free from an all consuming obsession, he had a Song he couldn't get out of his head.