11
The next morning I woke up bright and early. I made sure everything Mr. Jaids had given me was in the box in my closet then took it out to the trash. I threw it all away. I didn't want any of it. When I got back in my younger siblings were up and making a mess in the kitchen. I helped them get what they needed and cleaned up. After that I went to start a load of laundry. After it was started, I turned to see my mom was standing in the hallway, staring at me bewildered. I wondered if something had happened.
I grabbed some paper and asking if she was okay. She nodded and said. "I didn't know you could do laundry and you cleaned up in the kitchen." She finally noticed...after all this time. I waited for her to say something mean but she put her hand to her chin and signed thank you. It was hard to just stand there. I wasn't sure what to do...I was't used to her being nice or...appreciative of me. We both kind of just stared at each other eventually I signed thank you. She didn't get upset but nodded.
I smiled at her and moved on. I went about cleaning my room and putting my school books in a pile. I looked at Eon's notes off and on through out the day and thought of all the things I wanted to say to him. Now that I had some time, I started a new letter. 'Dear Eon, I miss you, I hope that one day we can be boyfriend and girlfriend again.' I paused not knowing if that read right, he might not want to be in a relationship with me again. I mean you can love someone but not be with them.
I erased it and wrote friends but again I paused what if he thought I only wanted to be friends now. Oh this was harder then I thought, I mean I wanted to be friends but if we could be together...I'd love that more. Oh together yes that sounded much better. I tried to erase it but the page was done for.
I started a new one. Dear Eon I hope one day we can be together again. I hope that I can help you. Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you. I have missed you. I have missed us. I know we have a lot to talk about and work on but I am up for anything. I paused up for anything that sounded so bad. I paced about my room. I am... I began signing to myself. I know we have a lot to talk about and work on. I signed it again then paused.
I am hopeful for the future no. I know we have a lot to work on I am always no. I hope we can, no. I sat in my chair leaning my head back. I am willing to make the effort. I put my thumb in the air and then turned it upside down making it fall like a plane from the sky. I have missed us. I know we have a lot to talk about and work on. I'd like the chance to get to know you again. Not bad, I adjusted it. Thank you for reaching out to me. I love your notes, they have brought me such joy as you have always. I hope to meet with you soon. Love Song. That looked decent. I wasn't writing a politzer prize here. I just wanted it to sound nice.
I turned the page if I could write from the heart and say how I felt I'd say. 'Eon, for the longest time I have felt lost without you. I know I messed up, what happened to you was all my fault. I can't change the past but I hope we can change the future and that we can be together again one day. You are the love of my live and each day without you has been agony. I missed you so much. I miss you still. I love you, Song.'
I guess that is what I'd like to say but it still felt like it wasn't enough...like no matter what it could never be enough. I collapsed on my bed. Why was saying how you felt so hard to do. I mean this was Eon. I used to be able to say it with a single glance, a few flicks of my wrists but now I felt all wound up and nervous. Every word seemed so precious and important. I knew it was because of the distance and that things had changed.
Ian was different now but so was I. As much as I wanted to deny this last year...not every day had been agony. Some day's I'd completely lost myself...who was I kidding most days I'd lost myself, in a sex crazed frenzies. Some days, some weeks I hadn't even thought about Eon. There were times where I had wanted another man more then him…I thought of some of the things we had done together.
At the time they had been so new and exiting...now I felt ashamed…horrified even. I can't believe I used to put things in me and just let them fall in public where anyone could have run across them. Oh, how many instant pictures of me exposing myself had we left scattered about. It had to be at least a hundred, a lot of pictures included my face...his dick in my mouth, in me.. me dripping cum on the fucking side walk. What was I thinking! That's it I wasn't thinking when I as doing dirty things with him I wasn't thinking.
Now that I was...I thought I'd die if anyone I knew saw those. I can believe I'd let him take pictures of my most private parts and leave them for anyone to find. Literally anyone could have seen those...could have them now...The police could have them... Some of the things we'd done and the places we'd done them in were really questionable. What if I'd done something illegal.
I ran my fingers through my hair...thinking of all those videos. I never knew what he did with them. If that every got out especially that last one. I hadn't watched all of it but he'd used me like a fucking doll. He'd put that broken fucking chair leg in me, pissed down my throat and who knows what else. I kept recalling him holding me on that couch with the can of beer shoved up inside me for who knows how long. I clutched myself...thinking of how many things I'd just let him shove in me..
I wanted to forget it all...I never wanted anyone to see me like that. Oh I hoped when I destroyed his camera, it had destroyed the video. Thinking back I should made sure. I shoul have ripped the ribbon from the tape and torn it up, set it on fire, made sure it was completely destroyed but now it could be out there. All those things I'd done with him and he'd done to me, Mr. Jaids anyone might be able to see them again and again.
Of course I knew the only people I really worried about seeing were Eon and my family.
What was I going to tell Eon! I dragged my hands across my face thinking about it. I knew I couldn't keep this from him. Not if we got back together but what could I say...while you were off working hard trying to recover from a massive seizure…I was getting my brains fucked out by my married adult education teacher. What if he got mad or worse hurt...what if I hurt Eon again. I shook my head. I couldn't spring this on him.
No, I needed time to explain it to him but first I had to sort it out myself. What was I thinking.
Maybe in a hundred years or so I'd know why I did all that but right now I just felt like a broken mirror. I could put the pieces together but it still wouldn't make a solid mirror.. There would always be cracks in the images…cracks in my better judgment. I stretched out on my bed for a few minutes. Then got up to get a snack from the kitchen.
When I opened my door my mom was just standing outside. She looked hesitant. I wondered what it was. I read her lips as she said. "A man is here to see you."
A man, I perked up suddenly. Who could it be? She knew Mr. Jaids...if it was him she would have said so I didn't have to worry about him but then who could it be. She turned and I followed her to the door. There was a man to see me alright, it was Chad. He gave me a saluting wave. I got excited he must have a response from Eon. I to open the screen door but my mom grabbed my arm. I looked back at her lips as she asked "How do you know him?"
Chad spoke, "We are friends."
"Really," she said, "What kind of friends? Do you know she is only eighteen."
I was shocked to see my mother reacting like this. I really didn't think she cared who my friends were.. Maybe it because it was Chad or perhaps because it was the first time a man had come calling for me. She'd only ever considered Eon a boy. I could see she was concerned about a man being at our door of if she only knew about Mr. Jaids. I didn't know how old Chad or Mr. Jaids was but I had a feeling Mr. Jaids was older. Oh I hoped she never knew. I had to tell Eon some day but I think my mom and family could go without knowing.
I saw Chad nod, "Yeeaaahh" I was sure he didn't have a clue how old I was.
I turned and got some paper. "He is a friend from the adult education center. We shared notes and he let me have a few books, I need to return them."
"Oh, okay," she looked him up and down again then walked off.
I walked up to him and wrote 'Well did he get my note?'
"Yep," he said nodding.
'Did he respond?' I wrote, hoping for another folded note.
Chad leaned forward, "Your response is waiting in my car."
I instantly perked up, he was here, right now, just outside. Oh I wanted to go, I wanted to see him. I put up my finger up hopefully he'd understand I meant one minute. I ran to my room and quickly grabbed some of my prep books and notes. I wrote a quick note to my mom. 'I need to return these and get some stuff I gave him, be back soon.'
I quickly rushed to my mom with the books and the note. She read it and nodded, "Okay but be home before dark."
Again this was sudden, for a second, I wondered had someone replaced my mother. I waved to her and nodded before rushing out the door. I followed Chad out to his car and Eon was pressed up against the glass. When he saw me, he opened the door. Even I didn't wait, I dropped my books and notes on the ground rushed to him. We embraced, oh how we embraced. I rushed to him and he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him and he held me as we tapped out foreheads together and then we kissed. It was the sweetest kiss of my entire life. I never thought I'd feel his lips upon me again.
I felt we could have stayed that way forever but Chad rushed to our side. He tapped us both on our shoulders. We pulled apart and he said, "Hello, restraining order,"
Eon realized and pulled back saying. "We need to go."
"Where?" I signed slowly now "You just got here."
He smiled and slowly signed "You come to."
They were taking me with them! I quickly rushed to the car. Chad shook his head and went back for my books and paper, I'd dropped. He put them in the front passenger seat as Eon and I got into the back seat. We sat close to each other as he drove off. Eon pulled me up onto his lap and I quickly signed "How are you?"
He looked at me oddly and I realized it went too fast. I went slow and signed, "How are you?"
He brightened up and slowly signed, "Happy, with you,"
I knew what he meant I grasped his hands and then we hugged again. There was so much I wanted to say to do but I just held him and he me. We were like that for several minutes and then the car stopped. We pulled apart and I saw Chad had parked the car. He turned to us and I read his lips said, "You got fifteen, twenty minutes tops before you mom gets suspicious."
I turned to Eon, he nodded to Chad and said, "Thank you,"
Chad nodded and adjusted his radio. He started bobbing his head. I assumed there was music. I thought we were going to stay in the car but Eon got out pulling me with him. He looked around and then we walked rather quickly. We took a walking path then split off to a smaller trail before he finally turned around, we almost bumped into each other. I was just so happy to be with him. I kept looked at him thinking I had to be dreaming. He said, "How are you?"
I slowly signed "Happy with you."
He smiled and we touched foreheads again for a moment, then he pulled back and said, "We don't have long."
"Why?' I signed.
"My mom wont drop the the-" he closed his eyes. I could see he was struggling with the word. He moved his fingers snapping them trying to recall it. I think I gathered what he was trying to say, I tapped him he opened his eyes. I slowly signed, "Retraining order."
He still looked confused.
I tried again very slowly spelling out the letters but he looked lost. I tried something else. I signed "Your mom wont let us see each other,"
He nodded, I read his lips "She...She wont even talk about it. If I say your name she gets, she gets mad."
I signed, "I don't care. What do you want" I had to slow down and do it again slower.
He looked at me and said, "I love you. I want to be with you."
I wrapped my arms around him. I hugged him tight. I signed "I love you" then again and again and again.
He smiled. After a dozen or so I slowly signed, "I want what you want"
He nodded. Then I got to thinking about things we needed to discuss. "Do you really forgive me." I signed. He stared at my hands. I signed slower, "You not mad at me."
He got it and held my hand he nodded, "I was mad at first. I was mad I don't re-" he closed he eyes. "Know that day. It's gone"
He didn't remember, I saw a large rock nearby us. It was big enough for both of us. I pulled him over to it with me and we sat. I slowly signed. "We went to the mall. We had no money. We only looked." He smiled the way his eyes watched my hands and looked at me every so often it was hard not to cry. He was so focused...I tried not to get too fast "We got ice cream," he nodded waiting. "I got cold. You gave me your coat." I grasped his jacket and waited for him to nod, "We went to your house. We went to field. We laid down and made love."
He looked at me his eyes widening. "We did it," he said shocked.
He looked so happy then upset, he looked back at me waiting for me to continue. I wished things had ended there and we had walked back and I went home and it was a perfect day. Yet I signed, "You had seizure, it went on long. I. The coat had medicine" He looked confused. I mimed it out for him the best I could, he seemed to get the jist of it. He slowly nodded. I went on "I left coat, you gave me, at your house. No," I made the shot action. "I ran to get help. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am-"
He grasped hold of my hands and nodded, I read his lips. "I know. I know I woke up they said it was bad. I.. it was hard. I was mad. I was," he closed his eyes, "mad at you" He continued. "But it was not your-."
I stopped him shaking him. He opened his eyes "I feel it was," I signed. I started crying and pulled away some. "You could have died...if I lost you."
He came after me grasped my cheeks in his hand, he turned me to look at his lips "Hey, I am here. I am here"
I smiled at him and signed, "You are,"
We leaned in to kiss, then but he suddenly jerked back. He looked around which made me look around. He stood, then pulled back. He turned to me. I signed, "What is it?"
He shrugged. "Heard something...animal maybe"
Oh I looked around then signed "Now what?"
"I don't know," he said shrugging. "Wait for my mom to not be mad,"
I laughed, rolled my eyes and signed "Right, will be waiting long time,
"Run away," he suddenly signed.
I looked around for a second thinking he wanted me to run but when I didn't see anything and he didn't move I repeated it back to him "Run away,"
He nodded.
"And go where," I signed.
He shrugged and moved his hands about, "With you,"
I smiled at him. "We have no money,"
"So," he said. "We make it work."
I nodded, "Okay, when,"
He shrugged, "Soon,"
"Soon," I said. "But wont your mom worry."
"So," he said, "I want to be with you,"
"I need to know how to take care of you," I signed.
"Chad does that," he signed.
"Oh so we will run away he Chad," I signed.
He laughed and said "Why not."
I signed, "Yes the three of us elope,"
He didn't know the word. I could see. I tried to think of another phrase but our time was up. Eon looked at his watch and I realized he'd set it at some point. It flashed and he stopped it. He looked up at me sadly "We got to go,"
"Okay," I got up and offered my hand to him. He took it and we walked back to the car.
Chat smiled, "Hi love birds, how did it go,"
I signed teasing, "We are running away with you."
Eon got that and laughed. Chad had no clue what I signed.
He said. "Sorry, I don't know sign language, I only know like help," He did help and he and then flipped us off "Fuck you," He said
I laughed most everyone knew how to flip someone off. We got in the backseat and he dove back to my house. I gathered up the books and notes I didn't think mom wouldn't notice they weren't difference. Before I left I kissed Eon passionately. I hoped it wouldn't be long before we saw each other again. When I got out of the car. I signed, "I love you,"
He signed it back "I love you," then 'see you soon'
"Okay," I signed. I watched them pull away and rushed inside.
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