My mother blames herself for what happened to me but the truth is, some things are just set in stone, especially when you're...infinitely cursed.
I remember everything from the day of my accident, from the sunlight pouring through my bedroom window, to eating breakfast and rushing through my chores. I was eager to go in to town that day because my mother had promised she'd let me drive, the next time we went. I was just a few months shy of fifteen and in Capshaw, you could get your licenses at fifteen.
Originally, my father was suppose to teach me to drive but after a few lessons, he wasn't able to find the time anymore. Whenever I'd ask, he'd "suddenly" become busy with one thing or another. Honestly, I don't think he liked the idea of me being behind the wheel. I don't think he wanted me to grow up but I couldn't wait to experience the world around me.
Growing up as an only child on our farm I often felt isolated from the rest of the world. I couldn't help but feel it was passing me by and wanted so badly to be apart of it. I knew driving would help with that. Why once I got my licenses there wasn't anywhere I couldn't go. My only limitations would be money and a tank of gas. Back then, I had so many ambitions and everything felt like it was just around the corner.
When my mother finally called out to me and told me it was time to go, I practically danced to her old beat up truck. It was a klunker but I loved it! I could tell my mother was still hesitant about letting me drive. She tried to push it off for another time but I was insistent, I learn. Oh how I buttered her up that morning with complements and promises that as soon as I could drive I would help her run errands.
My mother shook her head but threw me the keys. I remember how that old truck of hers almost seemed like new as I climbed into the drivers seat. I put the key in the ignition and went to start the engine but before I could, mother put her hand on my arm. I paused as she made it clear I was only allowed to drive on the back roads. Also as soon as we got close to town I was to pull over and switch with her, she didn't want me driving in town just yet. I was a little disappointed I wouldn't get to drive the whole time but quickly agreed, then asked if I could drive on the way back. She'd said it depended on how I did driving there.
I swore I was gonna be perfect. I started up the old engine, put my hands on the big wheel and checked my surroundings before slowly backing up. Then I drove down our long mile and a half driveway until I could turn onto the main road. I went down it a ways but turned on to the back roads as soon as I got the chance, which made my mother happy. Everything was going swimmingly, I felt so happy and proud of myself.
The sun was shining and it looked like it was gonna be a beautiful day. The grass looked greener, the trees fuller and the sky had to be the bluest I'd ever seen. I rolled down my window after a bit and let in a light breeze. At one point I got so relaxed I only had one hand on the wheel and was driving like my father. However my mother insisted I use both hands. I reluctantly complied but thought this was a pieces of cake. I swear, I knew every bump and turn on those old roads like the back of my hand.
Soon enough, I saw the Oslin River sparkling as we came up on the old Woodlin Bridge. I could see several fisherman were out and about but smelt something awful. I rolled up my window and found the culprit up ahead. There was another truck hauling chicken crates in the opposite direction. I remembered thinking it had to belong to the Medlin's Chicken Farm, Dave Demoin was always hauling chickens on the back roads.
I watched the truck creep onto the bridge and slowed down some. I was a little worried there might not be enough room for the both of us. I asked my mother if I should wait but she said no, there was plenty of room and ushered me to go on. I still didn't feel comfortable sharing bridges with other cars, but supposed I'd have to get used to it sometime. I nodded and returned to the normal speed.
A few seconds later we were on the bridge. When we were almost halfway a silver sports car appeared out of nowhere. It must have been following the chicken truck and had decided to pass on the bridge. The sunlight reflected off its shinny surface and was almost blinding. My heart leapt as I raised a hand to shield my eyes from the light and realized it was going to hit us.
I reacted as fast as I could and tried to move out of their way. In my haste I forgot we were on a bridge and cranked the wheel to one side as the sports car whizzed passed us, nearly clipping us. The truck veered off to the side hitting the old wooden bridges railing. We broke through the barrier and went over, crashing into the water.
So much happened in a matter of seconds. I remember jerking the wheel, the impact with the railing, my mother screaming as we went over, the rush of air and then the force of hitting the icy cold water. I hit my head on something but I don't know what the window or the door, all I know was there was broken glass and blood in the water before I passed out.
I was later told, one of the fisherman dived in shortly after we went under. He managed to get my mother out but had to come back for me. They don't know how long I was under but it must have been for a few minutes. I remember seeing a distant light and hearing something, laughter and shouting. I focused on it and suddenly found myself running on a beach. I watched as light danced across my lover's face. It was coming from a crystal necklace I was wearing.
I played with it loving how it would sparkle in the sunlight. I had on a nice dress and he was wearing a suit. I realized we'd just gotten married. We playfully ran along the shoreline, laughing and shouting as we chased after one another. After a while he caught me and lifted me up into his arms. He spun me about and teased he was going to throw me into the water but I knew neither of us were going to let the other go.
For a moment I lost myself in his ocean blue eyes and I knew what it was to be absolutely head over heels in love with someone. I also knew what it felt like to have them love me back. I didn't think I could ever love anyone more then this and then I recalled holding my children for the first time. My son, my daughter, my son and then finally our youngest son, knowing he would be my last. They'd all come in quick succession of each other, only a year or two apart, between all four.
I remember what each of them had smelled like, what it felt like to hold their tiny hands in mine and to look into their eyes. There was nothing like looking into the eyes of your child for the first time. The years just seemed to fly by until they were all walking and talking. Our life could be so chaotic at times. We always had something going on especially on the weekends. We never got to sleep in, they'd always come bursting into the room and jump on our bed until we woke up but we didn't mind.
We loved each and every second of it. We'd make pancake and then try to do something as a family. I remember one time we had this big water fight in the backyard. At first I chased after the children as our dogs barked and chased after me. However once my husband got the hose and sprayed us all, we teamed up and took him to the ground. I recalled such laughter, joy and love.
I also remembered having a best friend who had kids as well. We'd hang out, having barbecues in the backyard, going to movies or arranging playdates. Our kids all got along so well and she'd babysit for us some times. I had a job working at the front desk of a hotel. It was so strange, the phones were so different and they had weird devices unlike anything I'd seen before but I knew how to use them, like it was nothing at all.
One time while I was working my husband brought the kids by to go swimming in the hotels pool. They all pressed their faces against the glass on the lobby doors and made faces at me, it was so cute. Oh I loved my family so much and our life together. Even when things were hard, sitting up at two am, when one of the kids had a tummy ache, going to the doctor for earaches, rashes, coughs, marbles up the nose, the crying, the tantrums, the messes, not knowing how we'd pay the bills sometimes and being absolutely exhausted. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I took it all in the good with the bad.
One day we were coming back from watching a sports game. My husband's favorite team had been playing in a city two hours away so we drove out and made a day of it. We were all tired by the time we got back to town. The kids were sound asleep in the backseat and my husband was driving as I lightly dozed next to him. It looked like it might rain and I hoped we'd make it back before it did. I was sure we'd left something in the yard, a blanket or stuffed animal.
Suddenly the car jerked as we crashed into something. One minute we were quietly driving along, the next we'd collided with a car and the kids were screaming and crying. I was scared someone had gotten hurt. I frantically check on the kids then once I knew they were okay, I checked on my husband. He seemed rattled but otherwise okay. He said some sports car had come out of nowhere and ran the intersection. My husband did a quick check of his own, then went to make sure the other driver was okay. I got out and helped the kids to calm down. I was so glad we were all okay I knew we'd been lucky, it could have been a lot worse, especially with little kids.
The man that was driving the sports car seemed to be okay but was beyond furious. While jarring the crash hadn't been too major just some dents and scrapped paint. However the sports car had been more expensive then our mini van. The man cursed and yelled as my husband, blaming him for the accident. My husband claimed it was the man's fault for speeding and running the intersection. I could see things were getting out of hand quickly and the children were getting more upset.
I got out to calm things down and asked if I could help. The angry man turned to yell at me but froze. I wondered if he was okay. I told him we were sorry about the crash but we had small kids in the car and his shouting was scaring them. He quickly apologized and seemed to calm down after that. I thought things would be okay, my husband exchanged information with him and I figured everything would eventually get cleared up with our insurance companies but that moment was the beginning of an unending nightmare.
After the crash I began to see the man around town. At first, I thought maybe I just hadn't noticed him before. I'd see him when I was driving, filling up my gas tank, getting groceries at the store or going to a movie with my friends. I told myself it was just a coincidence but soon enough, I started seeing him everywhere, the park, the post office, the library, when I was picking up the kids from school and especially while I was at work.
I'd see him several times throughout my shift, sometimes he'd be strolling by very slowly and look like he might come in but would turn around. Other times he'd be jogging by and would stop in front of the hotel, to run in place for a few minutes. I tried not to stare but couldn't help but notice his odd behavior. I found whenever I looked at him he was always looking at me. Usually people looked away, when you caught them staring at you but he didn't, it was...disturbing.
Shortly after I began to see the man everywhere, we started getting strange phone calls at home. I'd pick up and the caller would just hang up without a word. At first it was just a few times and then every hours and then twice an hour. It got to the point where I had to stop answering and just let the machine pick up. When I stopped answering at home I started getting the calls at work. I had to answer the phone and again the person would just hang up without a word. Sometimes it would be a few seconds but could be up to a full minute. I told my boss and co-workers about it but it only seemed to happen on my shifts. They asked if it was my kids maybe messing around but we had taught them not to play with the phone.
One day I was swimming in the hotel pool. I loved to swim and my boss didn't mind me using it, during my lunch break. It was hard to find time to stay in shape when you had so many little kids. When I got out of the water the man was just standing there staring at me. I don't know how long he'd been there or how he'd even gotten into the pool house, since you needed a key from the front desk. When I asked he said the door was open but I knew I had shut it.
He unsettled me but I tried to be polite. When I smiled at him and asked if I could help him, he smiled back at me and tried to start up a conversation. He asked me about my hobbies and interests. They were innocent enough questions but given his other odd behavior, I didn't feel comfortable answering. I apologized and told him I was busy and needed to get back to work. He pointed out I'd been swimming and I told him I'd been on lunch. I decided not to shower that day and just put my work clothes back on over my swimsuit. I stayed in the break room until the end of lunch before going back out to the desk.
He was standing in the lobby just waiting for me to return. He suddenly wanted to rent a room, which I thought was odd, considering he lived in town... at least I assumed he lived in town. I pulled up a list of available rooms and he kept trying to ask me personal questions as I book him a room. I was very professional and managed to dodge most of them but something about him felt really off to me.
That night when we were going to bed, I told my husband how I'd been seeing the man everywhere and my husband thought he might be trying to dig up some dirt on us for the crash. We talked to our insurance company and tried to settle things between us quickly but the man just kept making excuses and requests. He'd demand we hire experts or said he wasn't satisfied with the insurance companies estimates.
After a few weeks the man started to get more embolden. He would stand next to me while I was grocery shopping. He wouldn't say anything but follow me from aisle to aisle. When I went to check out he'd be behind me in line and I noticed he wouldn't get anything. One time he tapped on my window while I was waiting for my older kids to get out of school and pointed out my tires looked low. I was always polite but it felt like he was always trying to find some reason or excuse to talk to me. He kept renting rooms at the hotel, during my shift and would ask me about the weather and what shampoo I used. He'd say it smelt amazing and would try to lean over the counter and take a whiff.
Once in his room he'd request front desk services, more towels, more pillow, new soap or wake up calls. Sometimes he'd ask to change his room altogether and then start requesting things all over again. I always took a maid with me so I wouldn't have to be alone with him, when I dropped off his requests. I also took note of every request he made and brought it up to my boss hoping we might decline him as a guest. However I found out the man tipped really well and never bothered anyone else on their shifts. My boss admitted the man seemed a bit "eccentric" but hadn't really done anything out of hand. He'd simply made more requests then our usual guest.
I didn't like seeing him or being around him but I realized my boss was right, he hadn't really done anything but annoy me. However one day he went too far, I was with the kids, taking them to get ice cream and saw him following us. He had a camera and I realized he was taking pictures. I didn't like it but I knew as long as we were in a common area, he was allowed. When he saw I had noticed him he came rushing up to us. He quickly explained he took pictures for a living and wanted me to model for him. It was like he was trying to assure me or something but it didn't make me feel any better.
He suddenly acted all friendly like he knew me and my kids. He called them by their names and offered to buy our ice cream. He stated talking about my hair again and asked what shampoo I used. My second son innocently told him that we all used the same shampoo, honey butter. The man took more pictures of me and commented on my big eyes and stunning features, I didn't take it as a complement. It just made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I didn't get what his deal was and why he was bothering me. If he really did "take pictures" for a living I was no model or stunner as he'd put it. I was just an average mother of four. I was slightly overweight with stretch marks and thinning hair. I didn't bother with makeup or much care how I looked. I was lucky if I even remember to brush my hair these days. What mattered to me was I was loved regardless of my "features'
I tried to be polite like always but found him to be more annoying then normal. Mainly I focused on my kids as we waited in line for our ice cream. My youngest was a bit fussy today and kept wanting me to pick him up. I obliged and he started sucking his thumb again which I had to remind him to stop. He started crying and I bounced him. I felt bag for him but our dentist said it was time.
The man stood behind me in line and kept talking up a storm. I only half listened hoping the line would move faster. When it was our turn, my oldest son couldn't make up his mind. My daughter knew what she wanted and quickly ordered. My second son wanted what she got but I told him that he could share with me and my youngest. He started getting upset but I reminded him he dropped his last three ice creams.
The man seemed annoyed that I wasn't listening to him. He got in front of me and asked if we could meet up sometime soon, maybe this afternoon at the hotel. I gave him a funny look like he was implying something inappropriate but he innocently added he just wanted to get some pictures of me swimming. Before I could respond he asked my kids if they wanted to go swimming this afternoon, of course they did and got distracted. I realized he was trying to rope me in through them.
I was beyond frustrated at this point and freaked out. I said no to everything he'd asked and to leave us alone. I got my kids back on track and began to count down for my oldest son to choose an ice cream flavor or I'd chose for him. He finally chose when I got to two. My second son was still upset about not getting his own ice cream. I gave in and got him a cone but of course he almost immediately dropped it and then started crying. I quickly grabbed some napkins to clean it up as he cried. The woman behind the counter was very understanding and offered to get him a cup of ice cream instead of a cone. She even put a lid on it and that seemed to make him happy. I thanked her and ordered a small cone for myself to share with my youngest.
When I went to pay the man started to order and said he was with us. I quickly told the woman he was not and then gave her more then our order cost, telling her to keep the change as a tip. It was nearly double the cost of the ice cream and I could see she was surprised but I just wanted to get out of there. I got the kids to hold hands and had them go straight to the car. I think they could tell something was up because they all started to get upset. The man didn't get any ice cream and was following us again taking pictures.
My oldest boy told the man to go away now but the man just laughed him off and wouldn't stop following us. He loudly offered to pay me a lot of money to just take my picture and talk. He liked talking to me and said he could do it all day. Somehow he knew we were hard up for cash and after we "repaired" his car we'd have nothing left so I might as well earn some cash for my kids.
He had some nerve he was really pissing me off but I ignored him. The only thing that mattered was getting my kids out of here and away from him. As I was strapping my youngest into his carseat, the man kept taking pictures and commenting on how beautiful I was. He touched my hair and asked me to turn around and look at him. He said he'd gotten the camera just for me and couldn't wait to develop the film so he could see me all the time. He swore he could stare at my fat ass forever.
Oh I turned and looked at him then! I thought he was a real sicko, a fucking creep saying this shit to me especially in front of my kids! If they weren't there I would have tore into him and lost it on him. I decided I was done being polite to this asshole. I got the kids secured then glared at him and made it very clear I wanted nothing to do with him at all. I told him to stay away from me and my family from now on or next time I'd call the police.
He stepped back but smiled at me as if I was being cute. He even took more pictures. I was so upset, I just wanted to smash his camera but I remained calm and in control. I got in the car and drove us home. Of course he followed us in his car. I was so frustrated and angry but most of all I was scared...scared of this unhinged man. Who know what he might do to my kids or me, clearly something was wrong with him. Normal people didn't do this shit!
The kids started to get upset when they could see I was upset. My daughter kept looking out the window and asked if it was the bad man again. I tried to pretend I was okay and make a game out of things. I had us all rush into the house and had them building a fort while I locked all the doors and windows. I put on a movie then pulling out some boardgames. It didn't take long to distract them and soon they forgot all about the bad man at the ice cream shop. I tried to distract myself as well, doing chores and entertaining them off and on but couldn't stop thinking about the man and his fucking camera. I could only imagine what he was going to do with those photos and how did he know the kids names.
I tried to stay focused on what I could do right here and now and was glad when I looked out the window a few hours later and saw his car was gone. When my husband got home I made dinner, then we had bath time and then story time. It took forever to get the kids in bed. My husband could see something was upsetting me but I waited until they were all asleep to tell him what happened.
This man was no longer just annoying but a real problem. I didn't feel safe around him. I just wanted him to stop and go away. I could tell my husband was just as upset, especially with his taking pictures and the things he had said. My husband also didn't like the fact that he'd been following me all over the place. I'd said I'd seen him around town but was now sure he was stalking me.
I didn't want any trouble he was a guest at the hotel and everything with the crash was still up in the air. Our insurance thought things would rule in our favor that the man had run the light but another expert was saying the light hadn't changed over all the way so it could be our fault. It was a lot to deal with but we decided it was time to take action.
The next morning we told the kids to stay away from the man and never be alone with him. We called the school and had him added to their alert list. I didn't think he had any kids but if he did they'd no doubt have a talk with him. We called our insurance agency and they suggested we no longer have direct contact with the man. They suggested an affordable lawyer we could use instead to deal with things going forward.
Finally we called the police to ask what, if anything we could do. They said unless he did something to us or threatened us in some way, there was not much we could do right away. They'd have a few words with him and we could keep a record of him showing up but until there wasn't enough to go on, we had to be patient. We did a lot but I wasn't sure if it was going to be enough.
The police contacted us a few days later and told us they'd spoken to the man and he should keep his distance. For about a week he did but then he was back. He didn't come right up to me or talk to me again but I saw him in the distance with his camera. I got a camera of my own to document every time I saw him through out the day. When he noticed I was taking pictures of him, he began posing for me like he thought this was some game.
My husband insisted on taking the kids everywhere they needed to go and I was not to go anywhere alone which got to be complicated. At work I pleaded with my boss to have him banned from the hotel or I'd have to quit. Thankfully she agreed after I told her about the incident at the ice cream shop. He tried to book a room a few times and then threatened to sue them.
When I told my friends what was going on they were upset I hadn't told them sooner. We went out to dinner one night and I pointed him out to them. I wish I hadn't because my best friend rushed up to him and slapped his camera right out of his hand. She stepped on it and smashed it with her hills before telling him to stay away from me. He got upset and threatened to sue her but she just flipped him off. She told me I needed to get mean with this guy and kick his ass if he wouldn't leave me alone. He ended up calling the police and she nearly got arrested. She had to buy him a new camera and he seemed almost proud when he started following me around with it.
After gathering nearly three weeks of pictures and reports that the man had been following me, we went to court. He opted to be his own lawyer and defend himself. He claimed we were all harassing him over the crash that was our fault. He lied and said I had tried to seduce him and had offered myself to him, more then once in order to get us to drop the case. He showed a slid show of pictures he'd taken some were just of me hanging up laundry. He said I was sending him secret glances and trying to entice him. It was all bullshit, thankfully the judge didn't listen to his crazy and we were granted a temporary restraining order.
We hoped things would stop then. I didn't seem him around for several weeks but then he began harassing all our friends and family. He threatened to sue practically everyone we came into contact with, for the most ridiculous reasons and made our life difficult at every turn. We began getting calls day and night for hours on end. We reported it to the police but they couldn't connect the calls to him so we had to change our number.
One morning almost a month later, my husband went outside and found our daughter's cat mutilated on the front porch. She'd taken in a stray almost a year ago and at first I thought another wild animal had gotten to it but my husband was certain no wild animal had done this. He didn't let me see it but he was sure it was the man and I believed him. We called the police but again it couldn't be traced back to him. We kept an even closer watch on our kids. We wouldn't let them go onplay dates and kept the dogs inside at all the time.
After almost a month and a half, he broke the restraining order. I was putting my groceries in the car and he ran up to me with flowers. He confessed he'd fallen in love with me from the first moment he saw me. He said we should be together and tried to kiss me right there in the parking lot. I slapped him and screamed. He ran off then like some deranged psycho. They arrested him later that same day and he spent some time in jail, a few days or so but they let him out.
He broke the order again and again after that, coming up to me at work, outside our kids school and even at a soccer game. My husband nearly killed him when he spotted him in the crowd holding a sign that said be with me. He and some of the other dads manged to chase him and do a citizen's arrest it was a wonder he wasn't torn apart. He spent longer in jail this time a few months.
Somehow he managed to call from lock up. He waited until I answered and didn't hang up this time. He told me he was upset with me but couldn't help it, he couldn't stop loving me and forgave me for being a stupid bitch. He said he had to see me and be with me and that he loved me so much. I told him he was crazy and he said he'd show me just how much he loved me.
A few days later we got some cards and gifts in the mail. We thought they were for our youngest from his grandparents, celebrating his birthday. Luckily because he was still so young we helped him unwrap his gift. My husband opened the cards while we were eating cake with family and friends at the birthday party. I'll never forget the look on my husband face. He'd been happy laughing and then saw what was inside the envelope. His face turned stone cold and he looked sick before leaving the room.
I rushed after him but he came back a second later gathering up all the gifts and card. He took them into the bedroom and yelled at me to keep the kids out. His best friend went in to check on him and they called the police. THAT BASTARD had sent lewd pictures and video tapes. He'd sent pictures of his privates and had carved my name with a heart into his chest. We didn't watch the video tape but the police later told us it was several clips of him having sex with various woman dressed up like me at the hotel. One even showed me walking into the room with some towels before I left and a hooker came out from under the bed. I was so sick I couldn't go to work for days.
We used it all against him in court and got a permanent restraining order. They took his access to the prison phone away and even put him in solitude. Eventually he got a lawyer and was evaluated and put in a mental institution but was back in our lives within six months. This time he made threats and actually pulled himself out in front of me in my hotel's lobby. Everything began to seemed impossible. I was always looking over my shoulder and holding my kids so tightly afraid of what he might do next.
The kids were traumatized, my husband lost his job because he missed too many days, refusing to leave us alone. We had to borrow money from friends and family just to pay the bills and I was let go at work because I could barely function. I couldn't stand to be there knowing the things he'd done. This man was ruining our lives and I didn't understand why.
One night he called and I answered. He was locked up again. It was suppose to be for a full year this time but somehow he manged to call. He told me he'd always find a way to get to me that no one could keep us apart. I begged...pleaded for him to stop this madness. I told him that he didn't know me at all and that I was no one to him, nothing. I tried to get him to see how crazy this all was. He could find someone anybody else to be with, it didn't have to be me. I asked him to stop and just leave me and my family alone for the thousands time. I hoped at some point, somehow, someway I would get through to him but he was just as delusional as ever.
He told me he'd get to know me and just knew I was the one for him, the love of his life and there could be no other. Now that he'd found me, he couldn't live without me and wouldn't let me live without him. He promised he wouldn't hurt me but would do what he had to for us to be together.
I was in tears by then barely listening. My husband caught me talking to him and smashed the phone to bits. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted it all to stop. I broke down and he held me. The kids woke up and we held them. We we're all at our breaking point. My husband and I just decided to abandon everything and move. It was crazy but what wasn't these days. As long as we had our family that was all that mattered.
We packed up everything we could fit in the car and just took off in the middle of the night. We only told our closet friends and family where we were and for a time, things went back to normal. At least as normal as they could be after such an event. We rented a house in the country from a connection and got new jobs. The kids were sad about not seeing their old friends but happy not to have the scary man around and phone calls anymore. We got our daughter a kitten and began rebuilding our life.
Almost two years went by and things started to look up but then one day their was a storm. I'd finally gotten used to letting the kids in the back yard again and went out to get them. I got all the boys inside but my daughter was missing. Her cat had run into some nearby woods and she'd run after it. I went looking for her only to find the man had her. He looked beyond deranged. I pleaded with him to let my daughter go and he made it clear all he ever wanted was me. I promised to go with him and be with him this time if he just let her go.
He set her down and I told her to run home. He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me through the woods. Once I was sure my daughter was far enough away, I fought back. I pretended to fall and grabbed a handful of dirt. I threw it in his eyes and kneed him in the groin, then went at him with everything I had. I wanted to tear him apart and end this once and for all. I nearly gouged out his eyes and began bashing his head in with a rock but he stabbed me with something, in a syringe.
We struggled for control and he nearly overpowered me but I managed to get away, kicking him in the face. There was so much blood and I got disoriented and scared feeling sick. I tried to run away from him. I thought maybe I could get help or lose in him the woods and circle back around to the house but began to stagger as my vision blurred.
He caught up to me and tackled me to the ground. We struggled some more and I felt his hands run all over me as his lips pressed against the back of my neck. He began to tear at my clothes and mumbled to himself as I realized he'd drugged me. I was losing consciousness but still kept fighting. I knew what he was going to do to me and struggled against him with all my might.
I suddenly woke in a hospital bed. I had a tube down my throat and was hooked up to all sorts of machines. I didn't understand what was going on! Someone helped me get the tube out and I pulled all the wires off me. I was still so scared and disoriented. I didn't recognize myself and was so wound up. I felt like I was still in the woods with that man. I tried to escape and fought with the doctors and nurses that tried to restrain me. When I wouldn't stop fighting they sedated me.
For days I didn't understand. I didn't know who I was or where I was. While some people lost their memories after such a traumatic accident it would seem I had gained new ones. I kept asking about my kids and husband. I didn't quite know who my parents were or understand that I was only fourteen years old. Slowly it all came back to me and I recalled my life up to the accident. Yet that other life...other me still lingered in the back of my mind.
When I told my doctors about everything, they said I'd been in a coma and had just been dreaming. They told me none of it was real and that my husband and kids weren't real. Yet I found it hard to dismiss and let go. All of it had felt so real to me. I cared so much for my husband and my kids and to know I might never see them again, was devastating.
My parents worried there was something wrong with me that I had brain damage. The doctors kept a close eye on me but eventually released me to my parents. When I got home everything felt so foreign. I remembered my life but I also kept thinking of that other life and they'd conflict with one another. I had so many emotions coursing through me. I struggled to deal with everything. I'd draw pictures of my other family and write about them in my journal, trying to cope.
As the weeks went on I began to change. I no longer felt the same as I did before even though I was still young I felt so much older now. I changed the way I carried myself and cared for myself. I kept my room organized and clean. I changed the style of my hair and clothes. I had new hobbies and interests. I enjoyed different types of music and food.
When it came to chores I found them easier. I had new ways of thinking and doing things. At one point I began tying off rope with different knots. My father had no idea how to untie them and wanted me to show him how it was done. When I did, he seemed baffled and asked me when I had learned such a thing. I told him I'd seen it on a book but really I'd learned it in a dream.
At night I would have such vivid dreams. Sometimes I would dream of my other family or being other people and places altogether. I'd recall various technologies and ways of doing thing that were so foreign yet familiar at the same time. I'd want to talk about it with my family but my mother didn't care to hear about my dreams, she was more concerned with my nightmares.
Some nights I'd wake in a cold sweat, screaming at the top of my lungs. I'd recall being kidnapped, beaten and raped by the man who had tormented me and my family, after the crash. Strangely, his face and name would change but those ice blue eyes of his would always stay the same. I realized he had something to do with shadows and began calling him the Shadow Man, in my journal.
There were a few times where he almost seemed normal but for the most part he was a deranged monster who loved torturing me.
When I told my doctors about my nightmares they paid them no mind. They just gave me medicine to help me sleep. It worked and made me sleep a lot but I dreamed even more. I dreampt about flying and moving objects with the wave of my hand. I recalled the taste of foods that didn't exist and my lover's embrace. At times, it was wonderful but with the good came the bad, my nightmares became even stronger.
The Shadow Man would chase after me and I was always running and hiding. A few times I tried to confront him but found, if he caught me in a nightmare, he'd do such horrible things to me. Sometimes I'd see other awful things like great wars and disasters. I'd see people being torn apart or cut down.
Sometimes the horrible things would stay with me long after I woke up. The pleasantries of my dreams definitely didn't outweigh horrors of my nightmares. I was quickly becoming disturbed. I didn't know what was going on with me. I was scared and needed to talk to someone but I couldn't go to my family, I saw how much they already worried.
I tried to deny what was going on. I avoided taking the medication whenever I could and slept less and less. I pushed everything strange to the back of my mind and willed myself to pretend everything was normal and that I was normal. I thought maybe if I pretended long enough things would eventually got back the way they'd been.
For several weeks things seemed to be working, however one day my mother and I went to the nursing home to visit her sick aunt. I saw a piano in the common room and went over to it, though I'd never played an instrument before I just knew how to play. Without really thinking about it my hands danced across the keys and I played a quiet, somber piece. It was so beautiful, it almost made me cry. Something about it stirred up such deep emotions inside me and for a moment I lost myself in the music.
Several people at the nursing home clapped when I was finished pulling me from my trance. I thought it was so wild that I knew how to play something so beautiful but my mother was irritated. We didn't talk the entire ride home. Later that night I heard her talking to my father and she thought I was crazy, possibly even possessed. At times she felt like she was living with a complete stranger. She just wanted things to go back to the way they were. She wanted her little girl back and started crying. She blamed herself for the accident and wished she hadn't let me drive that day or that we hadn't gone into town at all.
I felt bad and didn't know what to do. All I knew was something needed to be done. I couldn't keep denying this but I couldn't talk to my doctors or my family about it, clearly they had no idea what was going on either. I paced in my room for hours thinking of what to do and finally decided to start tracking everything. I was already writing about my other family and a few things, why not keep everything in a secret journal. I'd write out anything and everything that I could then try to make sense of it.
Over the next few months I filled my secret journal up with every strange thought, dream or occurrence I had and began to make so many connections. I realized I saw my husband, the man I loved with other names and faces as well. Just like with the Shadow Man, my husband's eyes were always the same, the color of the ocean. It occurred to me that if my husband and the Shadow Man had been other people then I had to be as well but how could this be? I soon realizes we had to have other lives! It would make sense if I as seeing memories from past lives.
I knew that had to be it! I began to remember conversations, friends and enemies. I realized the Shadow Man was obsessed with me and gaining power. He kept trying to conquer and rule everything. I saw him rise to power again and again, leading countless armies into battle. I recalled him wearing crowns, becoming kings, elders, emperors and so much more. He'd try to get his hands on any position of authority he could get. My mind began to expand and I'd saw empires rise and fall, along with so many different worlds and times.
I recalled having powers. I could sense things, fly and move objects with my mind. I wanted to practice and prove this was all real. I'd go out into our fields and run and jump as high as I could. I'd try to take flight or move the crops but so far nothing worked. I wondered if I needed more air for flying so I tried jumping from our picnic table. Then I thought perhaps I was starting too big. I tried to move simple things like napkins but the wind kept blowing them away before I could manage. My mother caught me messing around a few times and wanted to know what I was doing. I lied to her and told her I was just playing but she didn't buy it.
A few days later, I forgot to hide my secret journal and my mother found it. Usually I stashed it somewhere safe and hard to get but I'd had this really long dream and not a lot of time to write it down as I had to go fishing with my father. I barely jotted it down before hiding it under my pillow. I quickly got ready to go and I swear my father had us on the lake by the crack of dawn. We hadn't spent a lot of time together lately and he wanted to do something special. We spent all day on the lake seeing if we could catch anything in season. We had some luck but didn't get back until later afternoon.
I noticed my mother was upset about something when we got home. We asked her about it but she just told us she'd been listening to a sad story on the radio. She told me to go was up for super and I rushed upstairs to my room. After I changed for dinner I found my secret journal had moved slightly. It was no longer fully under the pillow. I figured I must have jostled it or something getting out of bed but later realized my mother must have found it and that was what had upset her so.
Over the next few days, I continued to write in my secret journal and practice my powers. I kept wondering if there was something I was forgetting or missing. I'd sometimes stay up late looking over everything but I just couldn't figure it out. I didn't have a lot of time left. I was due to go back to school soon. We were already well into the school year but after my accident I'd been told to rest and take some time off.
If everything checked out at my next doctor's visit then I'd be allowed to go back to school. I'd be super busy then. On the weekdays I'd have morning chores, schooling and homework in the evening. Then on the weekends I'd have more chores and need to catch up on anything that I missed while I was away. I also wanted to take the test for my license now that I was fifteen. I had a feeling I'd easily pass given how many lifetimes I'd driven. Once I had my licenses I was sure to be super busy with errand and exploring. I wouldn't have time to put things together and began to realize this might take me years to figure out, if I ever did.
One morning while I was doing my chores I noticed a weird, white van coming up our long driveway. As it drew closer I noticed it didn't have any markings on it. I curiously watched it pull up to the house and several large men in white uniforms got out. My father greeted them and didn't look too happy. They all went inside and I wondered what was going on. A moment later my mother called me inside and she sounded upset.
When I got inside the men in uniforms were nowhere to be seen. My parents had me sit down in the living room with them. When I asked about the unmarked van and the men, my mother broke down in tears. She said father and her were really worried about me and that they loved me very much but couldn't help me anymore. I didn't understand, my father went on that I wasn't right after my accident and needed more help then they could give me. They were sending me away to an asylum, for treatment... to get better. He wouldn't look at me as he spoke and sounded uncertain. Later I wondered if he wasn't sure about sending me away or me getting better
I didn't really know much about asylums but I knew what it was to be "sent away." Growing up, I'd heard rumors of people who got "sent away." Once there had even been a girl that was not much older then me. When I'd asked my mother why she was being "sent away." she'd told me the girl had been too curious about boys. I didn't know what that meant back then but one thing I did know, was once the girl got "sent away," she never came back. In fact I hadn't ever heard of anyone coming back. I didn't want to be "sent away" never to return.
I tried to tell my parents they didn't need to send me away and that there was nothing wrong with me. I knew what was going on now but they wouldn't listen. It was clear they'd already made up their minds. The men in uniforms came into the living room and my parents said they could take me away but I ran from the house before they could. I ran into our fields hoping I could lose them but they were so fast. The men quickly caught up to me and tackled me to the ground.
They carried me back to their van as I kicked and screamed. I begged and pleaded for my parents to stop this but they didn't. My mother just kept crying and went back inside while my father just stood there as they forced me into the back of their van. The men put me in a straight jacket and forced me to drink something awful. I tried to keep fighting, I kicked, screamed and even bit but in the end, it was no use, whatever they had given me knocked me right out.
/
When I woke I was still in the back of the van. There was a small window I could just see out of and I didn't recognize anything. I realized we were some place else far away from everything I'd ever known. It would seem I'd finally got out into the world but not in the way I had wanted. We were some place high up, there were forests everywhere as far as the eye could see and mountains. I looked for any signs, saying where we were but it was hard to take in everything through the small window and I was still slightly disoriented, from whatever they'd given me.
We drove down long, narrow, dirt roads until I could see some place in the distance, a series of brick buildings that were surrounded by high walls. It reminded me of a fortress! We pulled up to a tall iron gate and I saw a sign that read, Meadow Brooke Asylum. I didn't want to go in and struggled against my straight jacket. I managed to stand up and tried to escape again but the men in uniform just sat me back down on the small bench in the van and held me still. The gates soon opened and we pulled into a large open area and parked.
I cried out as the gates shut behind us, locking me in. I knew there was no escaping now. Some other men in white uniforms, opened the back door of the van and I was pulled out. The men I'd been traveling with handed me off to these new men. They were so big and strong they lifted me off my feet like I was nothing. They flanked me and carried me into the closet building. They took me through a series of locked gates that needed to be opened before dumping me in an empty room with no windows and a large metal door.
All alone I broke down in tears. I was so scared and upset. I just wanted to go home. Part of me was still in disbelief that this was happening. I hoped that I was just in one of my nightmares and that this had already happened in some other life and I was really home, safe in my bed. I willed myself to wake up but didn't.
After a while I knew I needed to calm down. I managed to scoot myself into a back corner and kept my eyes focused on the metal door. For who knows how long I waited for someone to come. Eventually the door opened and a doctor entered the room. He was an older fellow that wore round spectacles. He had stringy white hair combed over his balding head and had a bit of a belly. He moved slowly using a cane. He acted cheerful and introduced himself as my new doctor, Dr. Phillipston.
I tried to explain that there had been some misunderstanding and that I wasn't crazy. He just flashed me a false smile and said he was happy to make my acquaintance and that he "knew" all about me. There was something about him I immediately disliked. Perhaps it was just this place or everything but he didn't seem genuine to me, like he was putting on a false front, pretending to be friendly when really he was not.
When he spoke to me there was this undertone of superiority, like he was talking down to me. I suppose to him I was still just a crazy child but it was more then just that. I felt like a bug under his watchful gaze. He told me it was time to stop lying and that it would do me no good here. He had several letters from my parents and doctors, along with my secret journal. He said I would be staying there for quite some time and that I would do well to "behave" myself.
If I wanted to "get along" here I needed to accept that he was in charge of my case and that his word was law here. He did not tolerate disrespect and there would be no more lies or fighting. I just started at him. I had a feeling like everyone else in my life, he wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said.
A moment later he tapped his cane on the metal door and some female nurses stepped in. "For my own good," I was stripped down. I tried to comply, begging them to let me do it myself but they wouldn't. He couldn't "trust" that I wouldn't try to hide anything and this was for my own "safety". I instinctively fought and pulled back but they came at me. They took everything from me, my clothes and jewelry until I had nothing left.
Then once I was beyond horrified they examined me for any marks or injuries. Apparently some patients were known to hurt themselves. Once they'd finished their examination, they proceeded to chop my hair short and cut my nails down to the quick, again it was for my own "safety" and theirs. He heard of my biting incident and warned me if it happened again I'd be given a mask to wear.
I struggled at first, especially when they cut my hair but after a while I realized there was no use in fighting, I just madly sobbed wanting them to stop. I had never felt so violated and yet I knew that wasn't true. They triggered other memories within me and I stared off into space as I recalled other times and instances where such things if not worse had been done to me.
Still everything in this moment was so raw unlike the past it was happening right here and now and there was not a thing I could do. Once my hair was done they scrubbed me down and dowsed me in some powder that warded off bugs. They finally gave me a hospital gown and I was taken to a room with only a simple cot and a metal door.
Dr. Phillipston assumed I would be tired form all my traveling and suggested I get some rest and take heed to his words if we were to all "get along" here. Once he left I was alone with my thoughts. I paced about madly feeling trapped. After a while I wished I still had my nails. The powder they had put on me was just awful, it made my skin turn red and I itched all over. I wanted to scratch the skin from my bones as I felt like something was crawling all over me.
Eventually they turned out the main lights and I was left with a single red light bulb that had a metal cage around it. The light wasn't very bright but still illuminated the room enough so I could clearly see and no doubt be seen. I climbed onto my cot and curled up under the thin blanket. I held myself and began to rock for who know how long. I cried myself to sleep that night hoping once again to wake from this cruel nightmare yet come the next morning I was still here.
They fed me some slop in my room. I barely ate before I was moved back to the first room with no windows. Dr. Phillipston sat himself in chair while I had to stand the entire day but at least they hadn't put the straight jacket back on and my arms were free. He gave me another full physical examined, this time focusing on my eyes, ears, nose, throat and reflexes before bombarded me with questions. Every so often he'd change what he said or try to twist things up so that I got confused. He'd flash lights at me or make loud sounds then record my responses.
We took a small break for lunch then he took me to another windowless room with a metal chair. He strapped me in then showed me a slide show of pictures. Some of of them were just awful and grotesque. He would ask me to describe what I saw and how it made me feel. I felt like I was constantly being questioned and tested. He'd reword my responses and kept trying to set me off to see how I'd react. Then he'd jot down notes for several minutes. It was as if he were looking for the smallest cracks within me that he could exploit. Every time I tried to refute or assert I wasn't crazy, he'd just flash me that false smile of his.
For days I was poked and prodded but I kept insisting I wasn't crazy. He went over my accident and looked through my medical reports. He read my secret journal out loud mocking it and questioned everything I had written. I tried to lie and say they were just stories. I figured if my own parents didn't believe me then I doubt he would. However Dr. Phillipston saw right through me or at the very least had already made up my mind. He kept calling me a liar and saying he was my friend and only wanted to help me. How could he help me if I couldn't even help myself.
He kept pushing me and I grew tired and upset. I was out of my element never having been away from my home or parents for this long, at least not in this life. Again it was one thing to recall something from long ago, bits and pieces and to actually be living in the moment. I'd yet to get my footing in this life and find my voice. I was still so young and had so much more to grasp. Eventually I broke down and started trying to explain my theories on reincarnation and everything.
Once I started talking about my powers, Dr. Phillipston seemed pleased like he had broken me down and won some unspoken game we'd been playing. He condescendingly assured me I'd get the best treatment and that he'd help me now but it was all lies. He had orderlies take me to a room and strapped me to a table. They hooked me up to some electric machines and began shocking my system. Dr. Phillipston thought this would stop my "grand illusions" and reset me back to reality.
The pain and side effects from my "treatments" were nearly unbearable. It would hurt so so bad. It gave me blinding headache that soon became migraines. I could barely function or think after each session. Sometimes I'd have missing memories or just full on blackouts. I'd get strange twitches and even fits but they would just give me medication or sedate me, depending on the severity.
The "treatments" did nothing to dissuade me or stop my dreams. They only got stronger and I began to have visions, trigger during the day. I'd see, hear, smell, taste or touch something and it would set me off. Darker memories began to surface, great struggles, times where I'd been kidnapped, held captive, imprisoned and locked away. I realized I'd been in situations like this before and had seen my fair share of "mental institutions." Some had actually been good but I could tell this place wasn't.
The asylum and Dr. Phillipston weren't helping me. They didn't make me better, if anything they made everything so much worse. Their methods were more akin to torture then treatment. They knew so little of the mind and soul but I knew, if I said anything, Dr. Phillipston wouldn't listen to me. He might even take offense, that a child should dare think they know more then him and increase my "treatments" just to spite me.
I knew men like him and places like these. I had lived so many lifetimes and experienced so much. I began to realize I was cursed and that all the lives I had lived were tragic in one way or another. I also realized so much time must have passed between lives that my children had to be grown by now or might have already passed away. I'd been upset knowing I might never see them again but now I was certain of it. I recalled so many other loved ones that I had cared for that were now lost to me forever.
I became so depressed. Every day, week, month seemed to blur and blend into one another. I didn't know how much time passed, the asylum didn't keep calendars or celebrate holidays because they were a distraction from our so called "care." I felt so powerless and devoid of hope. I felt like I was living in an unending nightmare. With the treatments and medications I became like a zombie, slowly wasting away. At some point, I head a nurse talking about the date and I realized it had almost been three years. I didn't think I could keep going on like this. How could anyone? I couldn't see a way out and nearly gave up. I just...I just wanted this misery and pain to stop.
One day, during one of my "treatments," I fell into a deep dream and recalled standing under a large tree with my love, atop a hill. He held me tightly in his arms as we looked out at rolling hills as far as the eye could see. The wind swayed through the tree and the sun was setting in the horizon. Everything looked so peaceful and beautiful but I was overcome with melancholy.
I looked down at my hands and saw something was off. I was missing a few fingers and had these strange scars all over my arms. I could also see my veins like I had some sort of infection. I watched as one of my fingers turned to dust and blew away in the wind. I realized I was coming apart and looked to my love. I could see he was coming apart as well. I saw the veins of his face and watched as one of his ears turned to dust and drifted away. His ocean blue eyes were filled with such sadness.
I didn't quite know what was happening to us but knew it had something to do with the curse. I had a feeling our time was coming to an end and we weren't long for this life. We were both sad not wanting to part and had chosen to spend our last moments together in a place we both loved. We vowed to find each other again in our next life and be together, no matter what, for as long as we could. I felt such love for him and knew he loved me just as much.
I woke in tears recalling such a love. To know someone was out there somewhere waiting for me to find gave me such hope. I may have been cursed but I knew I wasn't the only one. In that moment I realized my love, the Shadow Man, my friends and enemies must have been reborn again, like me. I knew they were all out their waiting to be found. In my heart of hearts I knew I wasn't crazy, no matter what my parents, Dr. Phillipston or anyone else said.
I was determined to find a way out of here and start searching. When I woke up more, I realized I wasn't in my room but the infirmary. Apparently after I had passed out from my latest "treatment" they hadn't been able to wake me. I was unconscious for days and lucky to wake up at all. Dr. Phillipston didn't address what had happened but suddenly decided I'd had enough "treatments" for now and just wanted to focus on the medication for a while.
They gave me pills three times a day but I found various ways not to take them and would either hide them away or dispose of them, when I could. Slowly I got my senses back and kept my ears and eyes open. I heard from several other patients and staff it was possible to get released, once a patient was considered "cured." I looked into what they considered "cured" and came up with a solid plan.
I couldn't do everything all at once or Dr. Phillipston would know I was faking it so I pretended to listen to him and slowly came to "realizations" through our various therapy sessions. I found Dr. Phillipston had a big ego and I gladly fed it. I would praise him, saying how much he had helped me to see and understand. I pretended to realize he really was my friend and was "helping me." It was sickening sometimes and took everything not to vomit but I held my tongue and kept in my true feelings.
I jumped through every last one of their fucking hoops and did my best to give them the right answers. I no longer denied I was crazy but instead said I hoped in time I could be cured and live a productive life. I knew it was working because they lessened my medicine over time and began to talk about my possible release. It was only a matter of time now.
Once I escaped these stone walls, I would not go home, nor returned to my family that had betrayed me. Instead I would seek out my love. I would see those ocean eyes of his once more and know a love like no other. Then once we reunited with our friends we'd truly live again... |
