A full week, maybe even two passed before we spoke again. I was in my cage, laying on the bed, throwing on of those fidget toys up in the air and catching it, when I casually said, "You know, even if we did something like this. It would eventually fall apart, one way or another. If not in this life then the next."
"So." he said rolling his chair back from his desk. "Think about that my love. How wonderful it would be. One lifetime to just live our lives. To be together. "I scoffed and he went on, "If you don't care about me and you, then think about Mr. Madison. He could have a full life, meet someone his own age, get married, have kids, buy that four car garage house in the country and restore old cars. Also think about the others that are also cursed like us. They are out there...somewhere living their lives. They never need worry about me coming for them because I'll be here with you."
"Right," I said throwing the toy in the air again. I mostly focused on Luka and Urel but there were seventeen others besides us that were also cursed. Some of them were my best friends others had sided with Urel so were my enemy. I recalled them from time to time when I wasn't so caught up with Urel and Luka. They were out there hopefully oblivious to all of this and happy.
"Alright," I said rolling on my sighed "But I still don't get why."
"Why what?"
"You have everything you want, right. So why mess with my head and heart like this. Asking me to work with you when I'm already at your mercy."
"The way you say that you almost seem disappointed."
"What?" I said.
"No I get it no insults here. You were just expecting fire works, gunfire, explosions. You didn't expect me to mellow out and come to my senses."
"If this is you coming to your senses you're still crazy. You're keeping me in a cage."
"What can I say I'm crazy for you and as we discussed before you're keeping you in a cage. You say I have everything I want but I don't. I don't have you."
"Uhh," I got up setting the toy down on the bed and walk up to the bars. "You do."
"Not in the way I want you. I want all of you, not just your body. I desire you mind, heart and soul. You are the love of my life and if I can't have all of you then what is the point of life."
"You don't even know me...in this life. You...you might not like me."
"I know you and love you in every life," he said without a shred a doubt on his face.
"You know once you get to know me I could be different, super annoying." I said pressing my head against the bars.
"And how would that be any different from any other life. You're already annoying," he teased.
"Still you might regret doing this and decide you hate me."
"I might." he sighed as he turned back to his computer aand typed something.
I paced around my cage feeling uneasy, restless. I...was actually considering this if only for a few minutes. "Did you type it up? What we discussed?"
He grabbed several papers he had on his desk, then stood up. He gave me a copy and I read over it. It was everything we had discussed almost to the letter...perhaps exactly. It made me realize he might be recording everything. I knew he liked to do that. I read all the way until the bottom and saw something that was slightly concerning.
"Adjust as need? What's this?"
"Eventually things might change between us, if this works. You might want to amend your requests as needed."
"Perhaps, but I don't want you to just change things whenever you want."
"Line seventeen." he said with another sigh, "No person shall adjust this without the others approval."
"Right." I said "Like you've never broken a contract."
"This isn't a contract. It's just to let you know what we decided on."
"And the lockbox?"
He rolled his eyes, clearly he thought it was tedious, but he humored me. He pulled out a lockbox, from a draw, in his desk. He set it on top of his desk and put what I assume was a copy of the paperwork inside.
"Is it a combo or a key?"
"A key." he said, shutting the box.
"You could make a key." I pointed out.
"I could also memorize a combination or take a blow torch to it. Again I could do anything so could you, if we want this to work, it's going to take both of us."
"Then prove it to me. Prove you really have changed. You know what I want."
He sat there, for a long moment, then stood and approached my cage. "Yes,"
"Yes," I said waiting for it.
I seriously doubted he was going to do it. I fully expected him to twist things and gaslight me. Yet he looked right at me and said it. "I raped you." He let it sit in the air for a moment then continued. "Before I realized all this was real. I was unhinged. I had to have you and I didn't care what it took. That was wrong of me."
I pursed my lips then said, "Not just in this life...you've raped me in others."
"Yes I have raped you in other lives."
"It...it wasn't love." My voice quaked it emotion.
"It wasn't love." He repeated then continued. "It was want, need. I took what I needed regardless of how you felt. I raped you, Nona."
I didn't know what I was trying accomplish here...with this. So many lifetimes, he had denied it and refused to call it what it was, saying it was love and yet here he was finally admitting to it. I didn't know how I felt. It didn't make me feel better. It didn't take all the pain and hurt away but it did make me realize he was honestly trying.
"So you admit you can rape someone you love?"
He sighed then ran his tongue across the top row of his teeth. "Yes, you can rape someone you love. Are you pleased?"
I didn't respond. I refused to tell him what I was thinking. I sighed, knowing it was my turn now. "My turn I suppose."
He didn't say anything, but he pulled back, lifting his head slightly. He waited for me to speak. I took a moment to collect myself, closing my eyes. I took a deep breath, then looked down as I said. "I have loved you in the past." I dared to look up and saw he was studying me. I felt like I was suddenly under a huge spotlight or sitting on trial. I looked off to the side "I did cum our first time. It did…it felt good." Oh it hurt to say that not just to him but myself. I bit my lip then finished, "You do things to me that no one else does. You make me feel like no one else does."
I stopped talking and things got quiet. I just stared off to the side for a long moment waiting for him to respond. When he didn't... I dared to look at him again.
He finally spoke. "Great, now say it again making eye contract."
"What! Why?" I protested.
He crossed his arms. "You mean it right? You're doing this out of the spirit of cooperation? Did I look away, when I said it?"
"No," I said quietly, then looked into those ice blue eyes of his. I could tell he was enjoying this. Maybe it hadn't been worth it to have him admit he'd raped me. I stared at him then said it again. "I have loved you in the past. I did cum our first time because it felt good. You do things to me that no one else does. You make me feel like no one else can."
He stood there taking it in. His eyes didn't leave mine for a second, I don't think he blinked for a good five minutes after. I eventually looked away and asked, "Good enough?
He rubbed his jaw then said, "Yes I am satisfied."
I felt so fucking defeated in this moment. We were suppose to be somewhat equals in this but I felt like he was getting everything and I was just getting the bare minimum. "Alright so you can open the cage now, and let me out, right?'
"Yes, with the understanding, from this moment on, you are making the choice to really change. To start fresh with a clean slate."
"Wait? A clean slate. I can't just shut off my memories and emotions. I'll still hate you for what you've done."
He stared me down wrapping his hands around the bars of my cage. He leaned in close and made it clear. "A clean slate is a clean slate. You don't have to love me but you can't hate me. From the moment you step out of that cage you must accept we have no past. From there we'll get to know each other. Who we are now."
"Who we are now." I repeated then tilted my head and asked "And what if I decide I still hate you?"
"You can make that choice, if you wish, as long as you keep yourself open to the idea that you might not hate me."
"Open to the idea. What about you?" I asked. "You say we start off fresh, a clean slate yet you'll already start loving me. So how is that fresh?"
"There are many things I can do and can not. Loving you is something I can not control. Trust me."
"You say that now but what if it applies to raping me again. What if one day you "can not control that.'
"I do have needs but my overall desire to be with you, to really have something again outweighs everything else."
"For now." I spat.
"The same can be said for you. One day you could change your mind and decide to run or contact Mr. Madison, if only to let him know you're alive. You can easily break the rules just as I can, my love. Again, for this to work, really work, we both need to want it."
Part of me was admittedly curious. What if we really could do this? What would things look like? Would he really let me out? Would I what... live with him...with this, especially given what he'd already done? Of course he did this in most every life, it wasn't anything new but truly choosing to co-exist might be. He hadn't touched me in ninty-five days, a little more then that actually...that was a lot for him. I knew that sounded pathetic. He hadn't raped me for ninty-five days, let's give him a gold star!
I let out a heavy sigh, lightly tapping my forehead against one of the bars of my cage. I didn't want anything to do with him...with any of this but I wanted out. I wanted something different. I knew things could not remain as they were. Some days I felt like I was rotting in this cage. I couldn't imagine spending an entire lifetime trapped in here. I didn't want to.
I- if I did this…I wouldn't be able to see Casey again but that had always been a fact. The moment Becket took me, Casey and I were over. Perhaps I could protect Casey by keeping Becket happy... protect myself as long as he wanted to play this latest game. Either way I was done. I was ready to try something... anything else then this.
Becket hummed to himself as he headed towards the door, "I should start dinner."
"I want to take a shower," I said. I let out another heavy sigh then closed my eyes and said, "Okay."
"Okay." he said. I opened my eyes to see he'd paused at the door.
I wrapped my hands around the bars of my cage and said, "Let me out."
He stared at me for a long moment. I worried he had changed his mind and fully expected him to mock me. Maybe he just wanted to see if he could break me...see how long it would take for me to give in, then call me weak. He flared his nostrils as he breathed in then asked, "Do you understand what this means? The choice you are making"
"Yes! YES! Now let me the fuck out!"
"As you wish, my love."
"Nona! My name is Nona!"
"Nona." he quietly said with a small unnerving smile, "As you wish, my Nona."
He took the key from around his neck and slowly unlocked the cage. I bit my lip, worried I was making the wrong choice, but at this point, at least I had a choice. Usually he didn't give me one. He opened the door and I just stood there for a long moment. I worried this was some ruse. Perhaps he wanted me to only think I had a choice. Perhaps he was messing with me, and as soon as I tried to step out, he'd slam the cage door in my face and cackle.
I cautiously took one step and then another. I looked at him carefully before I stepped out. He just stood there patiently waiting for me. Once I was free of the cage, by a good three steps, I turned to him and clarified. "And I'm to go about as I please now, anywhere in the house."
"Yes," he said.
"And there is no place, in the house, that is off limits to me?"
"Yes," he said yet again. This in itself was very different! Even when Urel and I had come to some sort of arrangement, there were always places I was forbidden to go. He would usually give me, a floor or a set of rooms that I did not go beyond...sometimes it was for my own good. He continued "But I ask that you be careful, some things are delicate. Just as I respect your space going forward I ask that you please do the same for me."
"Right," I said. It seemed reasonable enough... again coming from him, it was unsettling.
I could see the subtle changes more now, in his tone of voice and the way, he held himself and even looked at me. There was a longing there but not as profound as before. He must have found out how to mask it. I wondered for a moment how I had changed. I had been so young when I started to remember. I suppose I hadn't fully formed who I was before I became this. I wondered for a moment who I might have been without all this noise in my head.
I approached the door to the room and placed my hand on it, "Open it."
He let go of the cage door then put the code in. I noticed he didn't try to hide it but his fingers danced across the keys so fast I couldn't tell which numbers he pushed first. I think there was a three maybe a six and an eight somewhere in the mix. I heard the locking mechanisms come to life and slowly release. He opened the door for me just as he had the cage door and I cautiously stepped out into the hall.
I was shocked by what I saw. Every door was opened...no they had been removed. Had he always known I was going to make this choice or was this for his own convenience. Perhaps he couldn't be bothered to open and close doors. Either way, I...I really could go wherever I wanted, in this house, with the understanding that he would not touch me or tell me what to do.
I stumbled back suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. "Oh this...this is going to be complicated."
"As I recall you like complicated." he said pulling out a cigarette. He lit one, took a puff, then offered, "Want one?"
"Yes," I said not hesitating.
He handed it to me and I examined it. One thing about living so many lives, there were a lot of things that were different. Yet strangely, some things remained the same. Just as a soda, could have so many names, pop, cola, drink, the essence of it was the same. I found a lot of lives always had something to be smoked for pleasure. In this life it was the twisted roots from an Aduro tree.
You literally smoked the root itself, lighting one end and inhaling. It increased the endorphins, made you feel good and calm, like most things you smoked for pleasure, but like always there were drawbacks. It was addictive of course. If you ever quit you were suppose to get this awful itching deep in your nose and the back of your throat. It caused your fingers and lips to be sticky like an almost paste and the smell was strange a sickly sweetness that an insect might extrude but the worst was said to be the taste. Think of the worse thing you've ever put in your mouth. It was advised to only inhale and not lick your lips or fingertips.
I coughed the first time I breathed it in and exhaled but kept going. Soon I could feel it after the fifth or sixth puff. I released the smoke from my nose and threw my head back. A wave of pleasure washed over me...like having a nice piece of chocolate, sinking into a hot tub or a nice cool breeze on a hot day. I could get used to this.
"Yeah," I coughed finally responding, "Well there is complicated...and then," cough cough "There is fucked up as shit!" There was no way I was up for any of this. I bit my lip and immediately regretted it! I bowled over almost throwing up as my gag reflex went off. He watched me slightly amused. He kept on smoking releasing it through his nose. I handed him back the cigarette and shook my head, not wanting it any more.
"You get used to it." he urged.
"I don't want to get used to it," I cried. I bent over and nearly threw up once more. I manged not to then continued, "This has to be the worst thing I've ever tasted."
He chuckled but took back the cigarette."I doubt it, given how many lives we've lived I'm sure there has been worse."
"No doubt, but if given the choice. I'd rather not."
"You're weak," he teased before smoking both cigarettes at once, with a smile on his face.
"If enjoying my sense of taste is weak, then I'm weak." I said standing up straight.
He chuckled again, took the cigarettes out of his mouth then gave me a look and said, "I love you."
He said it so casually like he meant it. I struggled to hide my utter disgust. "I'm willing to try this but I wont ever say that in this life."
"You don't have to, not until you mean it." he said pulling away from the doorway.
I scoffed as I walked down the hall and asked, "And if I don't ever?"
"Then you don't but I dare say, falling in love with me is inevitable."
I looked back at him and he got that cocky look in his eyes. I'd seen it before when he thought he was going to win in my nightmares. I hated it….yet knew I used to love it. I also knew he had a tendency to be right about a lot of things. In this case. I hoped he was wrong...for both our sakes.
The End
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