Everything rattled around in my head. The conversation we'd just had weighed heavy on my heart and was haunting in more then one way. He was my worst nightmare and I had brought him into being. All my attempts to escape, avoid and draw this out, had only resulted in bringing it forth quicker. For several days, I wallowed in self-pity, upset with myself for being my own undoing. Again for seeing so much... I was blinder then a bat.
After our conversation, things did change but I didn't trust him for a second. I kept expecting him to change his mind and attack me. Instead he brought me clothes, several dresses, surprisingly not all of them were short or sheer. Some were solid and had some good length to them. They all fit perfectly. He was always good with my size. I think he'd been in a tailor in a few lives, but it was more then that, I think he had a knack for sizing me up, giving his unrelenting obsession. I couldn't help but notice while he gave me dresses to wear he hadn't given me any underwear. I didn't say anything happy to have clothes at all.
He also gave me things to do, a few books, paper, pens, puzzles and simple fidget toys... to occupy my time. I knew they were just distractions I wouldn't be detoured. He started announcing when he was coming in the cage, giving me time to get into the corner of my prison. He'd bring meals three times a day, change the bucket out twice a day and deep clean my prison once a week. I was always ready for a fight, even though I knew he was trying to show me he could 'behave.' It was too little way too fucking late.
He couldn't rip my life apart and expect me to buy this bullshit! He couldn't' change. He wouldn't! He was always going to be the same monster who raped and abused me life after life. I stopped feeling sorry for myself about the outcome. I reminded myself it ultimately didn't matter, if it was my fault or not… this was always going to happen. He wanted things to be different but I knew they couldn't be...if...if he had even a chance of doing anything it would have been at the start when I'd told him to stay way but I suppose it wasn't his fault either given this was literally set in stone...to play out over and over again for all infinity.
I watched him off and on, studying him. I noticed he got some solid sleep at some point. He disappeared for a while and came back looking refreshed. He stopped talking to himself and his movements changed. I heard him humming and whistling to himself. He acted like he was doing fine, but at night, when he thought I was asleep, I heard him masturbating. Still he didn't come into the cage or creep on me when I was awake...so that was something.
I knew it was only a matter of time before he snapped. There were lives when he pretended he was cured or even not interested in the slighted, but he'd still eventually come for me, whether he realized it or not. Sometimes I felt sorry for him, like he really couldn't help it. However other times I knew full well he could, that he hadn't lost his mind yet, and was just choosing to burn the world down, because he could. I hated thinking about him! I hated that I couldn't escape him psychically or mentally.
I'd rather think of Luka... think happy thoughts but it only hurt to think of him now...being so far away from him. What must he be thinking? Had he figured it out yet or did part of him believe I'd actually run off? I hoped he would know me better then that. I'd never just take off, not without a letter or a phone call. I thought about it once or twice picking some random train, calling him up from the station and telling him I loved him and wished him the best. I could see how awful that would have been now...to tell him I loved him but not enough to fight for us. If we ever got to be together again, in this life, I'd attach myself to his side and never leave it. I knew that wasn't healthy but I didn't care.
I tried to busy myself after a while I used the things Urel had given me and got into a sort of routine as much as someone who was captive could. I'd do a puzzle for a little while and then I'd draw or maybe read for a while. Sometimes he'd put on music. He always like orchestras… If he was feeling generous, he left a remote to his stereo in the cage, when he went to bed so I could choose which music to listen to as I slept.
Whenever he was out of the room for a while I'd watch the monitors. He had it set up so the camera would follow him from room to room. He no doubt knew I was watching. I often saw him in the room I'd first arrived in. He set up a king size bed and decorated it with bright colorful blankets and stuffed animals like my bed in the cage and the bed I shared back home with Luka. I asked him once if he wanted a more manly bedspread then rainbows and he just said he'd didn't care what he slept on as long as he was with me.
I always like bright colorful blankets. The one at the hospital were all regulation. So when I got out I could find the wildest bedding I could find. Some of the stuffed animals had been gifts from my time in the hospital. I figured they had kept me company in the hospital might as well get to be out and about in the world like I was. I liked holding them. I knew it was childish now that I'd grown up but what should it matter...comfort was comfort. I could really use some of that right now.
Every few days Becket would put some wrapped gift on the bed or on the floor. After a while he painted some clouds on with stencils and put stars on the ceiling. He even spent one afternoon hanging a swing in my room. I almost didn't catch it, but at some point I realized, I was already thinking of it as my room. Yet I knew it was just another cage…another way to control me.
I tried to get some semblance of control back. I started ripping up pieces of paper and making them into little balls. I'd make one each day to count how long I'd been here. It was a small thing but it brought me comfort to know how long I'd been here. I put them in my pillow case. One day he found them when he was cleaning the room. I didn't say anything. He didn't dispose of them but the next day he gave me a book on paper folding. I didn't bother with it for days but it was something new to do. I eventually went through the pages and started making paper stars for each day.
One morning I decided to count them... there were forty-eight...it had been forty-eight days since his revelation and our last fight. I counted them again and again. Forty-eight days,
give or take a few that I hadn't started counting, plus all the time I was here before he woke up. It had to be a good fifty...maybe sixty days. I knew the time didn't matter. I was here now...forever...until I died in this life...but to know I'd been away from Casey for sixty days was hard. We'd bee apart longer but this was the first time since being a couple.
I missed him so much my chest ached. I thought about what he might be doing right now. Where he might be? At first he...he might have waited by the phone for me. He might have thought I'd come back any second and been so worried but now he had to think I was dead or at the very least not coming back. He was probably getting used to the new normal...the new everyday without me...just I like got used to it...would get used to it. I sniffled and held myself. I knew in some lives we could communicate. I closed my eyes and reached out hopping he'd hear me now on some level. Maybe he could find me. It was delusional I knew but still I closed my eyes and called out to him "Luka. Luka. Luka. Can you hear me"
I heard the locks on the door and quickly opened my eyes. I'd been crying and dried them sitting up on my bed. I didn't want him to see that he was breaking me. I messed around with one of the fidget toys, some brain teaser puzzle. I'd put it together and taken it apart a dozen or so times by now. He came in with some sandwiches and set one plate down for me and took the other to his desk. I noticed he liked for us to eat the same exact meals. He'd always have double what I was eating as he sat at his computer staring off at the screens. I tore at the food for a while eating it, then drew. I looked at the back of his neck and drew dozens of pictures of him and the things I'd do if I could.
On day seventy-five of counting. I finally broke and started talking to him. "You've changed sooo much."
"Hmm," he said looking up from a book he was reading. I think he was surprised I'd talk to him.
"You've so changed sooo much Urel. I can really see that from my cage and all." I said hoping he could hear the sarcasm in my voice, if not the bitterness.
"Yes and I can see you're still set in your ways. I'm not the one keeping you in the cage. You are."
"Bullshit."
"Not so," he said turning the page, "I told you what I need to let you out."
"Did you?"
"Yes. I'd let you out right now if you made the choice to stay with me and make this work"
"This will never work!" I spat recalling it now.
"Not with a mindset like that." he sighed then went back to reading his book.
I didn't talk to him for another week. He made spaghetti and it was just covered in garlic. I liked garlic but this was overkill. I took another bite then pushed the plate away and said "This is way too much garlic."
"Hmm?" he said taking a spoon full of spaghetti up with his fork."
"You trying to drown me here or what. The garlic."
"I like garlic."
"I like it too, doesn't mean I want to be suffocated by it."
"Noted," he said.
We ate the rest of the meal in silence. The next time he made spaghetti, a week later, mine had less garlic. I simply said "Thank you."
He just nodded. I felt guilty thanking him for anything. Every time I spoke to him I felt like it was some betrayal, not just to myself but Casey, however I knew this silence couldn't go on forever. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I saw and did the same things day in and day out. It was a good representative for what was going on, I was living the same life, over and over again. What did it really hurt to try something different? What did I honestly have to lose?
One day he was playing a game. I didn't recognize it. There was a board with lots of tiny squares and stones of two different colors. Sometimes he'd add some and other times he'd remove. I assumed he was playing against himself.
"What is that?
"What is what?" he asked moving a piece.
"Your game."
"It's not a game."
I scratched my nose then said, "It looks like a game."
"Yes, well looks can be deceiving."
"So what is it? If it's not a game."
"It's a tool."
"A tool?"
"Yes it helps with strategic development and tactics execution."
"Right." I said, "How do you play- I mean uh what do you do?"
He looked up at me," Do you actually want to learn?"
"Yes," I said. It wasn't like I had anything better to do at this point.
He didn't say anything else, but that night when he brought our dinner in, shrimp pasta with toast, he also brought a table and the 'tool.' He showed me how the board worked and the stones. Besides being two colors some of the stones had markings on the bottom. On the surface they all looked the same, but a player could use certain stones, to make certain moves, if they remembered which stones had the marks, of course. The goal wasn't to move from one side to the other, but to wipe the other player off the board and completely take over with your stones.
I didn't speak I just listened as I ate. When it was time to play I just made moves. He didn't correct me or inform me, if I was doing something wrong. He let me learn that on my own, when it was his turn to play. I lost every single game we played that night. Yet when he returned the next night, I still played, hoping to get better. I hoped to find a crack in his armor and defeat him.
After a few nights, I still couldn't win but I did find ways to prolong the end. Just when he thought he was about to wipe me out, I'd have another piece here or there, pop up and survive. I could see he was annoyed. Perhaps I could apply some of these tactics to my current problem. I might not be able to defeat Urel but I could survive.
What kind of life was that...to just survive. I thought about it for a while. Could Urel and I ever really truly come to an understanding. I tried to think of other lives we'd made 'arrangements.' I remember in one life he'd removed sex from the equation. He'd done something to himself. I couldn't be sure if he'd taken something or removed a part of himself but he had no sexual desire. He thought if he had no desire it would put an end to this madness.
I recalled he'd still locked me away somewhere...just for good measure. He figured if he always knew where I was and had me locked down, I couldn't cause him any further trouble. I remembered him telling me I would be taken care of that no harm would come to me but we'd have no further contact in that life. For a time I had lived in isolation. I wanted for nothing...material but was denied connection with another. It wasn't my worst existence but as I recall Urel eventually came to visit me.
He wanted to see if we could from some other connection. While he had no desire for me, he still felt amiss without me. We formed a sort of friendship...as much as a captive and their captor could. Just being near one another had been enough to unlock parts of ourselves. Perhaps we could do something similar in this life...form a sort of friendship and share this house but I doubted it. As I recalled that life had ended tragic as well eventually...something to do with a pair of scissors but it was so long ago I couldn't quite remember all the details.
I furrowed my brow and massage the bridge of my nose before I casually asked. "Do you recall, what the worse way to die is?"
"I'd rather not," he said making his move. "Do you have some obsession with death."
"No but I think about it sometimes...given we've died so much. I was just wondering, what was the worse for you?"
He scoffed "So what, you can one day use it against me."
"No, I'm just curious, honest" I said making my move.
"Tell me yours," he said with a slight smile. "Then maybe I'll consider it."
I opened my mouth then thought about what he'd just said. I suppose he could use mine against me. "I'll have to think about it."
"Of course," He said, making another move as he shook his head, "Your move."
I picked up a stone and place it taking three of his stones away and leaving a space between us. I tried to think of others lives we'd co-existed in but my mind wandered. I recalled one life where he'd kept me drugged on a stone altar. I had preferred to be asleep rather then awake. I'd been surrounded by flowers and 'maintained.' He had planed to only use me physically but eventually took me off the drugs, telling me he missed me. My voice, the look in my eyes and our conversations...our conversation.
Admittedly, I had enjoyed some of our conversations over our various lifetimes.
It was always better to talk with Urel...usually when we were talking he wasn't attacking me. I recalled finding him intelligent, even inspiring in a few lives. He always seemed to have an answer for everything. He had this way about him...this aura and charisma that would not be denied.
Sometimes the way he looked at me was so powerful...like he could look into my very soul and see me...beyond the masks and lies. I ran my fingertips across my lips. I didn't know what I was thinking. My thoughts felt like they were all over the place. I just wanted to know if we could make this work...even if only for a little while. I lost another game and let out a heavy sigh as he set up the board once more.
I made the first move then pondered my current options. I could continue, to refuse to cooperate and stay in this cage forever. I could try to escape and face his wrath. I could pretend to go along with his 'latest game' and wait for my moment to strike or run. However once I made my move, in this life, the trust would be gone. I'm sure there were other things I could do that I hadn't thought of yet or… or I suppose I could give this a chance. What if we found a way to actually co-exist? I couldn't undo the past but going forward things would be somewhat better right. Perhaps one day I could find a way for us to be equals.
I paused realizing I had done just that on the game board. Every square was taken and we both had an equal amount of stone. The way it was set up we also couldn't make any move against each other. I knew I hadn't won but did this mean I hadn't lost? He rubbed his jaw annoyed. He examined every angle and piece, then sought to start over again but I put my hand over his, touching him for the first time...willingly.
He looked up at me and froze. I knew I could say anything right now and I'd have his full attention. His eyes were so focused on me that it was a little too intense. I had to look away as I asked, "How- How exactly would this work? If I- If we were to do what you're asking or whatever?"
He sat there for a long moment. I wasn't sure if he was thinking or in shock. I pulled my hand away and I saw one of his eyes twitch. I could tell he hadn't wanted me to stop touching him and realized that might have been why he'd paused for so long. He pulled back now, running his hand over his mouth. He shut the book he was reading and set it down in his lap.
It only reminded me how inferior I was, to his intellect. While I had been putting my full mental energies...well most of them, into these games, this mother fucker had been reading a book. Still, if only for a moment, I had gotten the better of him. I hadn't won but I hadn't lost and made it so that he couldn't make a single move.
He cleared his throat. I don't know if he had something in it or was just getting my attention. I realized I was pretty focused on the board. I wished I could take a picture of it...or remember how we'd got to this point so I could get back to it.
"We would start with the basics." he said.
"Basics?" I asked.
He spoke so quietly that I really had to listen. "The bare minimums of what we would need and expand from there."
I didn't quite get what he was saying. I felt like an idiot for asking questions but I'd rather look stupid and know what I was getting myself into then be stupid and have no fucking idea. "What would that look like?"
He adjusted himself in his chair then said. "For me a bare minimum would be you. I need you. I need to always know where you are and have eyes on you. You could have full access to the house, go anywhere you wanted and do as you please. As long as you didn't leave me or try to harm me or yourself in anyway. Bare minimum I need you to stay with me."
I bit my lower lip then upper thinking over what he'd just said. Rather then outright dismissing it, I thought of my own bare minimum. Just what would I need to survive here. I took in a deep breath then looked right at him as I made it clear, "You don't touch me, less I give permission! That means no raping!"
"Have I not this entire time. I've shown you I can control myself."
"Yes, in a controlled environment. But I'll be out and about. I'll need to be able to do things...showers...the toilet. I could be in various situations. For instance, one night I could be standing in the kitchen, under the moonlight. Could you control yourself." I was using his excuse from earlier, thrusting it back in his face.
He narrowed his gaze at me but nodded, "Alright no touching, less you give me permission." I nodded and he went on, "As to my request?"
"I could comply. Could I contact my family...Casey?"
"No," he said, "It would only complicate things, contacting your family...Mr. Madison. Those are all ties to before and this is now. Bare minimum, I need you to let go of the past so that we can have a future."
"Alright." I said. I knew that wasn't going to be easy but it was my turn. I felt like we were playing the game, only mentally and with different pieces. I thought about what else I might need long and hard before I spoke again, "You aren't to command me."
"Less there be a need." he said.
"No need."
"One might arise."
"When?"
"In an emergency."
"An emergency, seriously. What qualifies as an emergency to you?"
"A fire, this place is quite big, you could get lost."
"Not with full access to the house. I'll eventually know every room."
"In the dark, panicked, injured."
"Even if its dark and I'm injured. I'll find my way out. You still shouldn't need to command me. My will is my own Urel."
"I agree up until the point where it gets us killed. I wont order you around but I will expect you to listen and 'cooperate' should the need arise, to escape the house or do something else, should there be some unforeseen danger that would threatened my first request. "
"Alright," I hissed knowing he wasn't going to let this go. "You don't touch me and you don't command me, unless our lives are in danger from some world ending event."
"Acceptable."
I groaned then considered things for a few seconds. "That room you've been making up. Is it mine?"
"You noticed. Yes."
"I don't want you coming in without my permission."
"Less I see you're in dangers." He argued, "You could be choking and need assistance."
"Less that is actual..and not manufactured danger...you need my permission."
"Alright."
"Also will you turn off the cameras?" I asked
"No."
"I need to have some privacy!"
"No that violates my first request, I need to have eyes on you at all times, in order to know where you are and that you are safe."
Safe. I scoffed. I'd never be safe with him. Still he probably needed to make sure I wasn't up to no good and to be able to touch himself since he couldn't touch me. I shuttered at the thought of him touching himself while watching me but it gave me an idea.
"Alright but I get access too! I want my own set up."I said waving at his stuff. "A fancy computer and all these monitors, access to the cameras. If you get to see me, I get to see you." Perhaps if he knew I was always watching, he'd behave himself.
"If you wish." he said slowly. "But most of it will be beyond you."
"Don't belittle me." I spat. "I can be pretty smart sometimes."
"I'm not. I'm simply saying do you wish to know the price of tea in Tibay. Or if apples will turn the market in pineapples?"
"What?"
"Exactly, most of what I do, is study patterns in the marketplace and estimate where resources should be allocated, to maintain financials. Or reading philosophical books that I'm sure you would have no interest in."
"I might." I lied.
"Fine." he said. "Full access but I'm not going to break down everything I'm doing."
"Neither will I!" I said. "I also want the power to tell you to stop."
"What," he said. "You just told me I can not command you but you expect to command me!"
"No. Your will is your own, you can do as you please, for the most part. However if I notice you're up to something bad, say old habits, you said you're beyond, I wish to be able to tell you to stop it. Again like you can command me, under world ending events, I should be able to stop you, from becoming some evil master mind."
He raised an eyebrow at me. "I told you I have no interest in such things. You need to take my word."
"And I do, it should be fine but should you slip."
"And what about you? If you should slip? If you should try to contact your family and Mr. Madison or look into escaping. Can I tell you to stop?"
"Yes."
"Alright but if you tell me to stop, I need to know why. I must understand your reasoning. I could be doing something you simply don't understand."
"Same. I said
"Fine," He said.
"Fine." I said back.
I felt like we were in some boardroom discussing a big deal but ultimately he was my captor and I was his captive. I would never be free but perhaps I could survive from one day to the next.
"Anything else." he asked.
"Yes, I want this all written down so you can't gaslight me later and say you didn't agree to anything. I want several copies made, one to keep on each of our persons and the other to stay in a locked box that wont be tampered with.'
"Paranoid much."
"It's not paranoia with you. I seem to recall you altering contracts and trying to pass them off as the originals."
He smiled looking up. "You know, I actually recall that."
"You should, you did it several times. That is why only I will have access to the lockbox"
"Alright, fair enough." he said tilting his head. "But how can I trust you wont tamper with it yourself?"
"You'll remember the original." I said "As I recalled you've always had a knack for remembering the finer details. Even then you'll have your own copy."
"Hmmm," he nodded.
"Oh! Also, you don't fuck with my family or friends, especially Casey, in any way. I should have had that be my first request."
"No request needed, it's a given. For staying with me, I, in turn, shall take no action against the ones you care about."
I didn't trust him. I bit my lip then asked. "How will I know, you've kept your word, if I can't contact them."
"You'll just have to trust me."
"What happens if we break any of these rules."
"There more guidelines but I don't want us skirting the line, and arguing all the time, if something goes against what we said or not. If we're going to do this, it has to be all the way, a hundred percent."
"I want allowances for mistakes, simple mistakes. I know myself enough, to know I might mess up and not mean to."
"Alright, but let us be clear. Unintentionally making a mistake is acceptable. However thinking you might be making a mistake and knowing full well you are, crosses the line."
I let out a heavy sigh "Alright so if…if I agreed to all this, you'd open the cage, right here and now and what? Let me out?"
"Yes, because we'd have an understanding that you're going to stay here with me and love me."
"Oh ho! Wait a minute!" He'd tried to slide one past me but I caught it! "I never said I'd love you, if I stay I can't promise I will love you!"
"Of course but it will just be you and me, from now on, forever more. Its important you truly understand what this means...the full weight of what we're getting into. I don't want you to promise me something. Promises can and often are broken. You are either going to do this or not."
"I wont ever sleep with you. Will that be a problem for you?"
"No," he sighed. "Having you here is enough."
"Right," I said. I thought I was going to throw up, all of this suddenly felt so heavy and was making me sick. There was no way...no way I could-
He suddenly pulled me from my thoughts as he wiped the board clean, putting the stones back in their bag. He picked up the board then scoffed, "I can see you're so invested in this."
He stood up and unlocked the cage, quickly shutting and locking it, behind himself. I stood up, after a moment, and crossed my arms. I hissed "What, you can't just snap your fingers and fix this."
"No it's gonna take work on both our parts, day in and day out, every day we have to make the same choice…to change...to do things differently."
"To change...to do things differently, "I repeated, "Fine, admit to me then...that you raped me!"
He put the board and the bag of stones down at his desk, keeping his back to me. "To what end would that serve, if not to provoke things."
"The first step of change, true actual change is to admit you have a problem, something that needs to change. Admit you raped me and that it wasn't fucking love, it was rape and I'll... consider, all this."
"Consider." He scoffed turning to face me once more.
"Yes, I need to know you've actually changed! One thing you haven't done is admit that
it's not love, it's rape. What you did was violate me on every level, Urel. I need you to acknowledge that, acknowledge that you raped, and kidnapped me against my will."
"Fine. If you admit that you have truly loved me, in the past and you came the first time we did it."
My jaw dropped, it took me a second to comprehend what he'd just said. "We didn't do it! We didn't do anything! YOU RAPED ME! Not once, not twice but several fucking times!"
"Truth that is what you're after! What you're seeking here. You want me to admit to
what I did, then there are things you need to admit yourself."
I shook my head, "You're out of your mind. What I'm asking, would show actual growth, on your part. What you're asking me is just sick and wrong."
"No, my request would show actual growth too."
"How? How would admitting I have truly loved you in the past, which you already know, and that I had a physical response, to stimuli...which people have, be growth on my part?"
"People do have physical responses to stimuli." he said "But we both know that's not what happened, between you and me. In the past, you've often denied it, been conflicted but admitting it, that you liked it, that you like what I can do to you. Fully accepting that part of yourself Nona, that is growth. And if you can openly admit and accept you have truly loved me in the past, then you must admit you might love me again."
Oh that last line sent chills down my spine. I looked at him like he was beyond delusional. I would never love him again. I didn't want to! For a sliver of a second, I thought we might actually be making some progress here, but I could see we were at a stalemate once more. No mater what move I made it would do nothing. Still I had to try because ultimately this wasn't a game...this was my life.
I bit my lip then grumbled, "You go first."
He scoffed then scratched his chin. "We'll flip coin. I seemed to recall you liked that."
"No, I need you to go first since you started this."
"That is debatable, given you-" He put his finger to his throat and moved it across, reenacting me slitting my throat.
"I did that to escape you!"
"Yes we've been over it but none the less, you started this not me. I didn't see you and jack your whole world up."
I scoffed."You HAVE, loads of times and would have again, if given the opportunity, and fuck you did, eventually!"
"Other lives don't count! You don't know that and not until years later because of what you did, first."
"Fine, if I forget the past you have to."
"Done." he said. Like he could just snap his fingers and it was gone.
"Done! Like it's so simple!"
"It really is, when you don't hold onto it, for dear life. You need to stop living in the past."
"What if this doesn't work? Then what!"
"Then we'll have lost nothing."
"It's probably not going to work, is what I'm saying."
"Not with that mindset."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "This, this is some big game to you, isn't it. Some twisted joke, some new way of messing with me. You're not actually wanting to do this, it's just more lies and manipulation because you're a monster."
"And what are you? You're not a saint! You're a twisted fucking bitch! How am I to know that you're not setting me up! You have the advantage here! You've known about this way longer then me! How am I suppose to know, you wont get me to trust you, just so you can betray me, yet again. Ask yourself how many times you have literally and metaphorically stabbed me in the back, versus me doing it to you. At least, when I fuck you over, I look you in the face."
I got riled up, stepping up to the bars. "OH! HO! HO! HO! Do you REALLY want to get into grievances, Urel. Because I think I'd win that hands down! EVERY FUCKING TIME!"
He leaned into the cage too and we got dangerously close to each other. I thought he was going to yell, or snap at me and say something witty, but he just breathed me in and looked at me longingly. He pulled back then put his hand to his mouth and closed his eyes. "I don't want to fight with you, about the past. I want to live in the here and now."
"No," I said throwing my hands up into the air. "You want to live in some imaginary version, where I'd ever forgive you and even consider this bullshit!"
"You know what I think." he said opening his eyes. "I think you're just scared and upset and that's all you've ever known. And you honestly wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you weren't full of dread, all the time. If your worst nightmare turned out to be your greatest dream. I think you don't trust yourself to be alone with me…when I'm not some tyrant. I think you're worried, given enough time and space, you could love me again and that terrifies you!"
He knew! He fucking knew my fears but I refused to acknowledge what he was saying.
I pulled back and he mocked me, "What's that, speechless? Why don't you take some time to think about what I've actually said and offered. Go ahead fret, get dramatic like you always do before you realize, I'm right yet again."
He turned without another word and walked to the door. He entered the security codes and the locks released, opening the door. He stormed out and I wished I could do that...walk away from him...all of this but I couldn't. I was stuck here! Not just in this cage but in this never-ending heartache. I must have had this argument with him before, probably thousands of times.
It was dizzying none the less. He really wanted us to be together…to be happy, when we could never be. He couldn't change things no more then I could...right? We were stuck in this infinite loop. We had no real choice...no real options. It was a curse! It's not like if I suddenly let go of everything and stopped fighting him, things would get better. No...No matter what he or I did the outcome would always be the same. Still, if the outcome was always to be the same, then why did everything always have to be so hard.
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