My dreams were feverish, dark and more dangerous then ever. I saw things, part of myself I tried to lock away! Memories best forgotten boiled up within me as I felt this burning, ebbing, darkness stir within. I felt out of control as dark, depraved lives took over...such twisted things took hold of me and complicated shadows began to take shape.
I dreamed of 'HIM' embracing me, us stirring in the sheets, our bodies tangled around one another, in our eternal struggle. He was my ruin and yet my lips quivered to his touch. The way he looked at me, the way he could make my heart stir. I loved him. I hated him. I hated myself for loving him, dreaming of him even now. I felt so lost and broken.
I called out for Casey and suddenly he was there in bed with us. He looked at me with such love and passionately kissed me. Oh I love him! I loved him but I feared I'd lose him. I felt torn between the person I wanted to be and the person I worried I might be.
I knew I couldn't love them both! I could not have them both! I might lose both. Yet they were tangled in bed with me as they were tangled up in my heart. One was day and the other night. A good, honest, loving man, the other an evil, lying, destroyer. The choice should be easy, yet still I was torn. I woke up in a cold sweat. I couldn't accept these feelings. I kept asking myself how could I feel this way.
I should only care about Casey. I only wanted to love Casey! Becket was cruel… ruthless, he'd hurt me not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Yet I knew there were sometimes when he...he wasn't a monster. Sometimes when he was kind, gentle and caring but sometimes shouldn't count especially if it was only to me. How many people had he hurt. How much destruction had he done! He was awful...truly. Yet I still found my chest aching for them both. I felt so sick with myself. This was so wrong! Did I always struggle like this, in each life, or was it just this one for some reason?
I hated this feeling...hated being torn up inside. This truly was a curse! I felt like I betrayed Casey every times I thought about Becket. I felt like I betrayed myself and the ones I care for, every time I didn't hate Becket with every fiber of my being. Yet a part of me didn't care. When it came to love their were no rules. Sometimes there was no rhyme or reason...love was just love. I felt like I was losing my mind. Maybe I was going mad, 'love was just love' not when it came to him!
I would not accept it! I just wanted to push it all away! For the first time in this life I got the urge to smoke. I was covered in a cold sweat and I felt this dull ache between my legs…. My chest, my very soul felt heavy, my heart beats uneven. I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I turned it to ice cold, then got under it with my clothes on. I let the water hit me hoping it would shock my system and bring me back from this brink of madness.
After a good minute or two, when I was completely soaked, I turned the water off. I wrapped myself in a large towel then moved to the corner of the room curling up into a tight ball. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to feel. All of this was just too confusing...troubling.
I felt the vision I had of myself shatter. I didn't know myself at all. I thought I knew so much but realized I knew fucking nothing. I thought I understood what was going on but now I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I didn't want to care. I didn't want the past to affect me. I tried to think about who I was now and what I wanted. I just wanted to be with Luka.
"Luka…" the name slipped across my lips as the bathroom lights flicked on as if he were summoned.
"You're up. I swear I only dozed off for a second and you were gone." said Casey. He yawned, looking exhausted, his hair was such a mess but I didn't care, seeing him now made my chest swelled with joy. I reached out from him as he joined me on the floor. "Now, tell me what happened. What upset you earlier?"
"I know your name! I just remembered it's Luka. That is your name, well your true name."
"What?" said Casey. "True name?"
"I remembered it just now. Your name, your true name, since we have so many lives, we have so many names and it's easier if we just pick one to go by and yours is Luka."
"You're still having an episode," he sighed.
"I'm not. This isn't an 'episode.' I just- I've been figuring things out about myself. Things I don't like. I don't know how to process it and I just- I just- I don't know how to live with it." I let out a heavy sigh.
"What?" he yawed. "What is there to live with?"
"I...I guess, I always saw myself as one way or something and I realize I've got a lot of unresolved issues, parts about me I don't like, things that are hard for me to accept. Dark and twisty stuff."
"We all have a little dark and twisty."
. "I guess, I'm struggling with who I am and who I want to be. I worry about being a bad person, hurting others...loving something or someone, I know I shouldn't."
"We all struggle Nona, with who we are and what we want and what that makes us but I'll tell you right now, there are no good or bad people. There are things we all shouldn't do and things we all want that we know aren't good for us, but that doesn't define someone. Since you like analogies. If you like chocolate ice cream does that define you? How about me if I like vanilla what does that say about me? Am I a bad person? Liking something doesn't make us who we our."
"I know." I said. But it- What I'm struggling with, it's not that simple. What if you like both flavors?"
"Then you get a swirl." he said running his fingertips through my hair, "The best of both worlds."
"But you can't!" I protested. "Think of it as two flavors that will never go together. One flavor you love more then anything and the other you thought you hated, but now… you know you actually liked it and it makes you sick."
"Then sometimes you have one flavor and sometimes you have the other. Maybe you have one more then the other."
"Uhh no" I gasped. He didn't know what I was thinking about. That I was talking about him and Becket, picturing his solution in my head was just uhhh. This analogy wasn't working. "It's still too simply. You can only ever have one or the other. Sometimes you might not even get either."
"Who says? You always over complicate things."
"Not this time!" I spat "How about this! What if one flavor is awesome and the other is...is like poison!"
"Uh yeah, that is a no-brainer." He said scratching his nose. "I'm gonna have to go with the not poison option, every time here."
"But what if you like the taste."
"Of poison. Shit!" he said throwing his head back. "I have heard some poisons do taste good but that doesn't mean you drink them."
"I know but I- I worry what if I have in the past."
"Hurt yourself."
"Something like that."
He sighed "That was the past, Nona. It sounds like to me, your problem is, you're more worried about doing something in the future."
I looked at him and realized he was right. It wasn't that I worried about having ever loved Becket. It was that I worried I might someday, somehow, do it again and I didn't want to! "I don't want to!" I said.
"Then don't." he said as if it were so simple.
"But it's complicated."
"Not really, if you know something is bad for you, don't do it. I know it might seem complicated but just because you like something doesn't make you a bad person. You can like something all you want and know its wrong, that's fine. You can admire poison, buy books on it, and even own some of it, if you want. But if you're using it on yourself or others that crosses a line. The actions we take, the choices we make and the things we choose to put our efforts into are what ultimately define us."
"I know I just...what if I can't help myself. What if I'm a bad person and drink the poison regardless of consequences."
"I swear are you listening. You are so hung up on this good person, bad person shit. I told you there aren't good or bad people. The things we like don't make us good or evil. Tell me are you murdering people?"
"No."
"Are you out there robbing liquor stores?"
"No, but I just feel like…like I like to play with fire and fire is bad."
"Fire can be good too."
"No, I mean fire burns and what if I like to be burned."
"Okay." He said yawning. "Where is this coming from? Drinking poison, burns?"
"I just I had a nightmare about things, I liked but know I shouldn't."
He sighed, "Well I like to fight. When I was younger I liked to throw a good punch, boxing, wrestling you name it, it was fun."
"I didn't know this."
"Yeah that's because I lived a whole lifetime before you."
"Well why aren't you a boxer or whatever?"
"Because it can hurt people. Fighting a dummy, boxing a bag, is just fine, it relieves stress but when it came to me and someone else, in the ring, they didn't stand a chance. It didn't feel like a fair fight and I realized I was hurting people...seriously. One guy he went down and there was a second where it looked like he wasn't going to come back up. It felt good to fight but I didn't want to hurt anyone. So I stopped, put my efforts into other things. I found I liked to build cars but it's expensive so I teach others how to build cars and we pay the bills."
"We do."
"We do." he said. "What I'm saying is we all like risky things. Nona. But at some point we all have to make a choice and decide if the risk is worth it."
"Sometimes it's not a choice."
"Well if its not a choice, it's not your fault. If you don't have a choice you don't have a
"I don't know, I just- Maybe I do have a choice. I just- I feel I'm warped. What if I'm too far gone. What if I can't change things."
"We're all warped and no one is too far gone. You always have a chance, a choice to change. One thing you'll find Nora and the reason I worry about your age so much, is the longer you're alive, the more you'll change and grow. The more you'll understand things about yourself and others. There are a lot of things we have control over and there are a lot of things we don't. Sometimes you just do the best you can in that moment."
"I just- I feel guilty for caring about something I know is wrong."
"Well you have options Nona. You can accept you like 'poison' but just because you like the taste, doesn't mean you need to drink it. You just accept some part of you will always like poison and move on. You can also decide you don't want to like 'poison' and you change. You decide whatever it take you're not going to think about it or go anywhere near it and eventually you'll get over it. Neither option is easy, but I find it's always better to face things head on, rather then deny it. You can't fix a problem until you admit you have one."
"You're so smart."
"I'm really not. I'm just talking out my ass at like two in the morning. Giving you my opinion based on my own personal experiences. That doesn't mean it will be the same for you or anyone but there is my two cents, now what happened earlier. Why'd you throw you phone. You broke it you know" he said running his fingers through my hair.
"I'm sorry but he kept calling."
"Becket."
"Yeah."
"And you hung up on him, every time and told me, right."
"I didn't." I said, "He just wanted answers and I thought I could make him go away but I think I only made things worse."
Casey let out a heavy sigh, "Becket is sick, Nona. Clearly he has issues of his own and needs to get help but that's not your responsibility. That's on Becket and whatever support team he's got. I don't want you talking to him, okay. I thought that was pretty obvious from me asking you not to go out alone but I'll say it. I don't want you to say another word to him, no matter what he says. Don't engage with him."
"I wont.
"Promise."
"Promise." I sighed.
"Now can we get some sleep."
"Yeah." I said standing up.
He took my towel and then realized my clothes were wet, "Did you get in the shower with your clothes on?"
"Yeah."
He groaned. "Okay, change and then we go to bed."
I loved him. I know it must seem weird to shower with your clothes on but he didn't judge me. I changed and we snuggled up in bed. It was nice being with him and knowing he had my back. I was happy to finally remember his name. The home phone rang just as I was drifting off. We both got out of bed and rushed to it. Given it was the middle of the night we thought it must be an emergency.
He got there first answering it, "Hello! Hello? Hello." He looked at me and I tilted my head.
He shrugged after a minute then hung up.
"Who was it?" I asked.
"No one." he yawned then put his arm around me. "Probably a wrong number or some stupid auto dialer"
"Yeah." I said
We slowly walked back to bed. I turned to look back at the phone as we got to the hall and couldn't help but feel it was 'him.' I bit my lip but didn't say anything. We curled back up in bed and my dreams were much better. I dreamt Casey and I were eating spaghetti and we could eat as much as we wanted and not get too full. It was fun. I swear I could feel the texture of the noodles and taste the sauce.
We woke up late in each others arms. I snuggled up to him and said, "What do you think of spaghetti?"
"For breakfast?" he said his eyes still closed.
"Yeah."
"Dinner maybe but not breakfast."
"How about lunch?" I said looking at the clock. I climbed on top of him. "It's about that time."
"Really," he yawned finally opening his eyes. I rested my hands on his chest and put my chin on top of them, looking at him. He smiled at me and said, "It still feels too early."
"We had a long night."
"Long week," he yawned. He tapped my back, "Come on I got to pee."
"Race you." I said then rushed off.
He ran after me, and got me right before I got to the bathroom door. He grabbed me around the waist, and I screamed as he dragged me away from it. He quickly went around me and hurried inside, shutting the door behind him.
I ran up to the door and pounded on it. "Uh no fair. You cheated."
"You made it a race," he said. A second later I heard him peeing.
I groaned wishing we had two bathrooms. He didn't take long and I quickly got my turn. After I decided on pancakes. I went to the kitchen and started mixing up a batch while he went outside and got the morning paper. I got a pancake or two done before the home phone rang. I picked it up as I poured another pancake on the grill.
"Hello." I sang.
"I slept. I came and I slept so good yesterday, because of you. Thank yo-"
I hung up and went back to cooking my pancakes like nothing had happened. I was in a good mood. A good fucking mood and I was not going to process that. The phone rang again as I flipped the pancake. I ignored it for ten or so rings, then finally went over, picked it up, hung up and then left it off the hook. I plated the pancake then poured another. A few minutes later Casey came back inside. He was reading the paper as he walked. He came into the kitchen and gave me a kiss on top of my head, then noticed the phone.
Before he could ask I flipped my pancake, put some chocolate chips on it and said, "Becket."
"Yeah," he said.
"Yep, I hung up, he called back so I took it off the hook."
"Good," he said giving me another kiss on the head.
"Did you want some pancakes?"
"Sure." he said sitting down at the table.
"You want regular or chocolate chip?"
"We got any blueberries."
"None that are still good."
"Then either is fine," he said before flipping the page.
I kept cooking and plated several more pancakes before I brought them over to the table. Casey's phone rang as I grabbed the butter and milk from the fridge. I set them down on the table, then grabbed two glasses as he answered, "Hello, yeah she's here, what's this for. What appointment?"
"Honey did you make an eye appointment?"
I loved it when he called me honey. I lit up smiling before I said "I don't think so,"
I sat down and he handed me the phone, I put it to my ear and answered it "Hello?
A female voice said, "Nona?"
"Yes this is Nona?" I said.
A burst of air hit the phone as someone breathed into it. "I want to meet! I don't care where or when but I have to see you."
I gasped and my eyes went wide with shock. Casey noticed right away and yanked his phone out of my hand. "Name a place and a time. Nona? Nona are you there?" I could just barely hear Becket calling out on the phone.
"WHO IS THIS!" Casey demanded.
Becket hung up. Casey turned to me "What was that?"
"It was him."
"No, it was some woman, for the eye doctor."
"But that was his voice!" I said shaking my head, "He said he wanted me to meet that he had to see me."
Casey furrowed his brow and quickly redialed the number it rang and rang, someone picked up but they didn't say anything. Casey still stayed on the phone waiting until they hung up again. Casey tapped his finger on the table then said. "Just say hello."
"What?" I said confused. He dialed again, the phone rang and rang, but they picked up.
Casey held the phone up to me. "Hello?" I said.
Casey quickly pulled the phone away. I just barely heard, "Nona,"
"NO ASSHOLE!" shouted Casey. "STOP CALLING!"
Becket hung up right away. Casey set his phone down then ran his fingers through his hair. He let out an exasperated sigh then grabbed his notes on the table and jotted down the number.
"Was that him?" I asked even thought I knew it was.
"Let's just eat," said Casey.
I nodded then severed our breakfast. We ate and began going about our morning, when the doorbell rang. Casey got it and it was a delivery, a big bouquet of flowers. I'd never seen one so large it must have cost a fortune. Casey handed it to me as he signed for it.
"Oh wow," I said before breathing them in. They smelled wonderful.
"Who's it from?" Casey asked as the delivery man left.
I looked for a card but didn't see one. "I don't know."
He took the flowers then looked them over for a card. He didn't see one either. "Maybe it was a mistake."
"Oh I hope not." I said. "I hope we didn't take anyone's flowers."
"It happens sometimes." he said.
"Well maybe we should catch the delivery driver."
"It could be from someone we know, maybe a late congratulations for passing your test."
"Oh you think so."
"Maybe," he said."
I quickly put them in some water then set them on the kitchen table. They looked so pretty. The door bell rang a few minutes later. I got it this time and it was a basket of pink flowers. "Oh wow."
"What." said Casey coming to the door. He saw the bouquet and asked "Does this one have a card?"
"I don't know," I said. I handed it to Casey as I signed the delivery.
The woman turned and left but another man stepped up a second later with a large basket of fruit.
"What." Both Casey and I said.
"Delivery," said the man
"Are you sure you have the right address?" asked Casey as I took the basket of fruit.
"Yes. 22121 Viosher St."
"Yeah, that's us." I said then my jaw dropped. Another delivery was on its way with a massive stuffed bunny. It was like half the delivery guys size. He carried it up to the house."
"Nona." he said, "I have a delivery for Nona."
I looked to Casey he just stood there for a second then narrowed his eyes.
"Who's it from?" asked Casey.
"No return," said the man.
I set the fruit basket down inside and went to grab the bunny but Casey grabbed it instead. "What about the fruit basket where is it from?"
"No return address." said the delivery guy.
Casey groaned I could see he was upset. Half a dozen pizzas were now coming up the drive now.
"This is insane," I said.
"THIS IS HIM." growled Casey and I realized now.
"Oh."
"Yeah." said Casey, "We're not taking any more deliveries," said Casey then he shut the door. He threw the bunny and the basket of flowers to the floor. He got on the phone and called someone. The door bell rang and he yelled at hem "DON'T GET THAT!"
I nodded as they knocked but I didn't get it. Casey was on the phone for a few minutes then broke up one of our moving box. He tore off a large chunk of cardboard then got a black marker and wrote. NO DELIVERIES!"
He went outside and I could see people had already dropped off more flowers, boxes of chocolates another massive stuffed animal, this time it was a bear holding a heart. I saw another van drive up and park. If this was Becket what the fuck was he thinking. Was he trying to win me over with gifts. It wasn't happening! Casey put the sign on the front door then shut it. He went to the fridge and grabbed a beer, opening it. It was still morning but he drank it down and grabbed another.
"Casey."
"Yeah," he said.
"I'm worried."
"Don't be, I'm taking care of it."
"I'm worried about you, you've been drinking a lot."
"No more then usual," he said.
"No you usually don't drink this early."
"It's an unusual day." he hissed.
He took the flowers off the tables and emptied them into the trash. Then went over to the couch and watched some TV. Deliveries kept coming over the next few hours then we got a knock on the door and it was the police. Casey got up as if he'd been expecting them. "Yeah."
"We looked into the deliveries but there is no return number or address on any of them. The best thing you can do is call up the delivery places and ask them not to deliver to your address."
"I know who's doing this." said Casey. "Becket Rouse."
"We've been unable to make contact," said the other officer. "But we'll continue to look into it."
"Thank you," said Casey.
They talked for a minute or two then left. He got on the phone the rest of the afternoon. Every time anyone delivered he called up the service and asked them not to. He even started calling other local places. He managed to catch one that was getting a delivery ready for us. I offered to call a few places but he seemed determined to do it on his own. The next day we only got two deliveries then it stopped. Angie came by and packed everything that had been delivered into her car offering to donate it. Casey didn't care what became of it he just wanted it gone.
Things were relatively quiet over the next few days. We went to the courthouse and got some paperwork for the restraining order. We also got a copy of the police report of the hit and run. Casey got a background check on Becket but wouldn't tell me what it said. On the weekend we were watching some late night TV show, when he suddenly got a call.
He picked up and it was someone he knew, "What? John, I can barely hear you? What is it? Who what? No. No. I can be there." he said looking around. "Just give me a second, hold on okay. I'll be there in five." He hung up his phone and began dialing.
"What is it? What's going on?" I asked I could tell something was wrong.
"It's John," he said "Somethings come up at the school. They need me to come down right away." He looked at the clock then spoke on the phone, "Hello, Angie sorry to call you so late could you come over.
"I'll be fine." I whispered. "I don't need a babysitter."
"Okay…uh well, oh, uh yeah that would work. I just need someone to swing by, check in. I have to step out for a bit. Hopefully it will be less then an hour. Yeah, Okay. Thanks. Thank you so much. Yeah something going on at the school, I'll call you later."
He quickly rushed to get his coat and shoes. I followed after him, "Hello? What's up."
"Somethings at the school, an emergency" He said, "They need me to come down. Angie can't make it right away but she'll have her grandson drive by. Don't open the door for anyone or answer the phone for anyone but me."
"I wont," I said, "But be careful."
"I will." he said.
He gave me a kiss then darted out. I locked the door behind him. It must have been some emergency. He didn't even have a second to give me details. He was just right out the door and I heard the car peel out of the driveway. I wondered what it could be. Had something happened to the school? Or a student? I went to the bathroom then paced around the house for a bit.
Eventually, I went back to working on my puzzle while I watched TV, but I got this strange feeling in my gut. My mind began to ache and my chest felt tight. I had a bad feeling about this. I got up and paced around the house again. I wished Casey had told me more or would call with an update or better yet that he'd just come home. I missed not having my phone. I bit my lip, then went into the kitchen to get something to eat. I paused realizing the home phone was still disconnected. If Casey did call, how was I suppose to answer! I quickly reconnected it. If...if Becket called I'd just hang up.
I grabbed some string cheese from the fridge and ate it in front of the sink. It helped some. As I was headed back into the living room to watch TV again, the phone rang. I hesitantly picked it up "Hello?"
"I realized the only way we're ever going to have a proper talk, is if Mr. Madison, is out of the picture."
It was Becket! I immediately hung up but couldn't help but think about what he said. 'The only way we we're ever going to have a proper talk, is if Casey was out of the picture! Had he done something to Casey? No, I couldn't think that! Casey could take care of himself. He...he wouldn't go down so easily. Unless...No, I needed to believe everything was okay! I turned away from the phone. Yet what he said burned in my mind. The phone rang again. I turned back and stared at it. It just kept ringing. I bit my lip but picked it up again. I didn't say anything, I just held the phone to my ear.
"I need to see you. It's time we embrace this thing of ours, and talk face to face."
"No!" I cried.
"Name a time and a place." Before I could respond he went on, "I know, how about here and now."
I gasped, "No. You...you told me you're a good person or something. That your different...that I didn't know you. Prove me wrong and just stay away!"
"I'm coming to get you, Nona." He sang. Then I head a nearby tapping sound. I looked for it and saw him standing outside the kitchen window. "Oh wait. I'm already here." He smiled and I screamed! The power shut off a second later and I was plunged into darkness.
I stood there for a moment. It was time, it was happening! I debated what I should do. There was still time. I could grab a knife, finish before he even stepped foot in the house...or I could give in...maybe he would go easy on me. I stood there frozen, terrified of what was to come but thought of Casey. I nodded to myself suddenly knowing what to do.
I rushed to the bedroom, gracefully sliding to the floor. I reached under the bed even thought it was dark, I knew where it should be. I madly grasped about until I found it. I grasped hold of the baseball bat, pulling it out from under my bed. There were a lot of things I could do in this moment but I knew one thing for certain. I couldn't take my life and I couldn't give in, because either option would be hurting myself and I had made a promise!
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